Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sofas and Slankets V Irregular choice shoes and Snogging - Dating Thread 23

999 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 28/09/2012 10:14

:)

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 13/10/2012 23:26

Thanks Yoga...I might be inspired to give OK a go when the Match expires, my head is boggled enough at the moment. Interesting that they have a different 'catchment' group. I am wondering if I should at some point try Big Women Dating or somewhere, cos anybody over a size 14 seems to be not as appealing. Many are even putting it on their profiles, which saves messing about I suppose.

Yogagirl17 · 13/10/2012 23:28

Always happy to share, don't know if it's any help. Good luck Smile

redhappy · 13/10/2012 23:29

Yeah I think I'm going to do it, or at least just join for free so I can have a bit more of a look around. Although I live in a small town there is a big city relatively close that I'm happy to look in! Really struggling to think of a nickname though!

ParsleyTheLioness · 14/10/2012 02:36

You may not get the nickname you want Red some unspeakable person already had the one I wanted...I ended up with one with a few '-'s in. Which is better than one who came up as a match for me yesterday, who was WillywantsBunny....put me right off, that did.
See, what I'm struggling with, and this may I just need a reality check on Internet Dating World, cos I have been married 20 yrs... In RL I get a reasonable amount of male interest, but some of them are of course married. If I'd wanted a cheating married man, I would have stayed with the cheating married man I was in fact married to... So, I work for myself, and do not meet lots of men socially, so I go online. And then I get two knockbacks, immediately on them seeing the photo. And one of them was no oil painting himself, but I thought he sounded interesting, and might grow on me. And on another couple of profiles it is quite upfront that if you are carrying a few extra pounds, just don't bother contacting. So am I wasting my time completely. Should I put a government health warning on that I am not, nor are ever likely to be a size 10? Jeez, I can't be the only person in this position, surely?

OhWesternWind · 14/10/2012 07:57

Hi Parsley and Red

Personally I've had no luck at all on Okc, found Match to be alright but have been sticking with PoF as I've found some very nice (albeit not necessarily for me) men on there. I have had no willy pics at all! I think I must give off a bit of a prim and proper vibe even online! My profiles short and I have two pretty but not particularly sexy photos up. Any one- worders are just ignored! It's worked well for me anyway and I am on date five tonight with the nice optician from PoF! Have also got a few others waiting in the wings just in case ...

I'd probably put a photo up on the main page - I know profiles with no pictures do a lot less well and I'm always a bit suspicious why men don't put a picture up (married). Doesn't really matter if people you know see you, I think, unless you have a dodgy profile up - they'll be on the site for the same reason you are! I have found OD mostly good fun although a bit confusing when different rules seem to apply ...

Yogagirl17 · 14/10/2012 08:12

Morning WW - date 5, yay! Smile

Parsley - of course you are not the only one. Agree with Western that you should consider putting a photo up. Also, I find a little honesty & self-deprecating humour can go a long way towards attracting the type of man you might actually want to talk to you and who will want to talk to you. Just like there are some profiles that say if you are carrying a few extra pounds don't bother, you could just say, if you are looking for arm candy in size 6 skinny jeans don't bother, but if you want someone who is ....(smart/gorgeous/confident/funny/fill in the blank) then why not get in touch?

AndLibbyMakesThree · 14/10/2012 09:04

Watch and Madame, sounds like things are going great for both of you. It's so encouraging to read!

And another success story: yesterday I went to a wedding where the couple had met through internet dating (GS, I think). They're a great couple, so well matched and seemed so happy - it was wonderful to see. I know we're not all looking for marriage (though I have to admit I'd love to get married one day as I've never done it!) but it goes to show that OD can work!

ParsleyTheLioness · 14/10/2012 09:20

Thanks Peeps...Western when you say different rules apply, I have no idea what they are! Any clue/tips for me please, and anyone else of course...I might re-write my profile. Just assumed that as it already says I am on the larger side in the public profile that I wouldn't need to put it again...

watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 09:37

parsley - you worry too much. I certainly wouldnt put anything on your profile about your size, why should you. stick in in the body type bit and leave it as that else it will look like you have an issue with it.
Im speaking as somone who goes up and down by 2 stone every 6 months. ( ridiclous, but there it is) Currently im in a fat phase :)

Last week the puppy was telling me how stunning/ perfect/ beautiiful/ etc i am and how he cant believe hes lucky enough to be with me ( haha, not now hes not!)

and friday night the pirate, said ( thoughout the course of the night) that i was like some kind of sulty nigella lawson, that i was capitvating, charasmatic, like some kind of seductive, raven haired beauty. that i was dainty and petite ( !! hahahaha!!)

I am a size 16 at the momment.
( i have an unfortunate medical condition that makes it very hard to lose any weight at all, following a docs appt in may where i was told to give myself abreak, i would never be thin, i had to accept myself for what i am... i have :) )

It matters not what your size is, but is all about confidence. If you are appolgetic for your size, or self conscience thinking you are trying to measure up to some ideal and failing, then thats not good, nor attractive to men. And look around you, are all the people in relationships, tall, thin and beautiful, NO. they are not.

Stick a picture up, look happy, be yourself and they will love you!

you need to change your thinking with online dating, else quite quickly you might feel crushed, its not really for the faint hearted and has a high rejection rate. But start looking at it from the angle that these men need to impress you, not you needing to impress them ( by looking a certain way)

with the sites, it very much depends on the area you live in. Join a few of the free ones, you have nothing to lose and can always delete your profile if you want. and dont be worried about who might see you on there, as others have said, if they have seen you on there, its because they are on there too :)

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 14/10/2012 09:41

Thanks Watch...I actually didn't have an issue, until this week! I am at diet class, and have lost over a stone, but aint never gonna be a ten, and I am pretty tall, so don't want to be. Just the knockbacks have obviously been about that, given that the photo is pretty good, clever lighting etc, so its their problem made into my problem. I do ok in real life, so I can't be that bad I don't think!
Tell me about the Puppy...

Scattylatte · 14/10/2012 09:43

Parsley. The reason those men vanished probably had nothing to do with your photo. Men just vanish! I had a strange experience on pof where a man latched onto me, long messages, wanted to meet me. Almost poetic. Then vanished. I can only assume someone else came along. Who knows and I don't care. I have my photo up so it filters out those who don't like the look of me.
Yes, I have been rejected many times on the basis of my looks.....and many of them have not been oil paintings. Ironically i have been out with good looking men in RL so I can't be that bad.

POF- I find the men slightly predatory with regards to sex but they are just chancing in the majority of cases. I did a bit of digging recently and hardly any had actually met anyone so their 'I can give you the time of your life' spiel is bollocks. I don't think they realise they will get further by being decent.
Also, if you come and go you will see the same men still there.

Okc. Drives me mad. Very pretentious. I rarely get messages.

Haven't tried anything else.

watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 09:43

oh and parsley - it seems to be a bit of a myth that on paying sites you get people who are more interested. Myself and others on this thread have tried various paid sites over the years and it seems to hold just as many idiots and pervs as the free ones.

OP posts:
watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 09:49

parsley - you dont know thats why they vanished. Men vanish ALL THE TIME on online dating, some you have even set up dates with and then they just disappear. For every actual date you tend to have to talk to 4 or 5 times the amount of men.

the puppy - pah. met him on okc, was in a relationship with him for about 5 months. dumped him for the second time thursday. He was the puppy because he trailed after me like one, being hopeless and rather pathetic, but if you said anything to him, he would go all sweet and nice. pah. Not any more. Should have left him dumped the first time round.

also - like scatty says, men tend to get less dates that women, even though they might try to lead to you believe otherwise. remember this; you have the power here :)

OP posts:
EiePie · 14/10/2012 09:54

Parsley Two of my OD rules are: Don't bother with any chap who's taken a topless photo of himself in his bathroom! And: Avoid chaps with photos of themselves with a fish! (Why do they do that!?). But, that's just me - and I'm still single!!

lubeybooby · 14/10/2012 10:00

Hello all!

BC is away in the states and so I am now in slobbing out in leggings mode and drinking coffee.

Re: free sites, I think PoF is so dire because it has such a massive membership base and so therefore more idiots too. Also PoF doesn't really give you any encouragement to improve your profile or spend any time on it so it suits those who think 'fuck this annoying sign up I want to send my cock pics asap'

Okc suits the more tenacious. It's very easy to spot someone on there who can't be arsed with their profile, and it also encourages you to keep improving your profile. There are still complete idiots of course but much fewer than PoF

Parsely I agree with watch about the vanishers. It's a very odd dating phenomenon. Happens an awful lot at all stages - before much contact, after loads of contact, after a first or second date... just loads.

Yogagirl17 · 14/10/2012 10:14

Parsley - forget what I said, listen to watch. Smile

Scattylatte · 14/10/2012 10:17

When I've hit saturation point I've also vanished. I was messaging a nice man the other week, civil engineer, no penis photos, talked sense. Then lots of stress in RL and I vanished. Or maybe he didnt answer a message. Either way it didn't matter.
I also vanished after I talked to man whose only form of transport was a skateboard. So, I'm guilty of it too.
Ok, I'm going to do an experiement. I'm going to ask all of my inbox on pof if they have had many or any dates lately. Will get back with the results.

watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 10:22

ive vanished loads too though. I think part of it is just that a few messages swapped back and forth dont mean that you have to go out on a date, and that date has to lead to a relationship.

you can swap a few messages, then something happens in rl, and you dont reply, or you werent that bothered and dont reply, or you would rather chat to someone else, or you went away for the weekend, or the person said something you didnt like. 1001 reasons, and you wont ever know why. the trick is to not worry about these ones. dont put your energy and effort into trying to figure out somethng you will never know the answer to.

OP posts:
Scattylatte · 14/10/2012 10:26

Ok. I've copied and pastes this 'hi, have you met anyone from here recently' to 20 so far. Immediately 3 relied saying no. A fourth replied saying yes but it was boring and then said he what he would like to do regarding sex.
Parsely, don't be hard on yourself. Hardly any of them are actually meeting people!

ParsleyTheLioness · 14/10/2012 10:32

Oh, thanks all! Scatty looking forward to the research results. Another question, if I have asked for a photo, then just don't fancy them, would you send a nice Kiss Off message or just ignore? What the Rule here?

Asked for a photo of someone, without reading all his Requirements...won't make that mistake again....he doesn't want big birds, or anyone over 45. He claims to be very straight talking. At first I thought this was a bit harsh, then I thought, fair enough, saves time wasting. So he sends the photo, he has described his hair as very short, and actually, he isn't bad looking. But his straight talking and 'honesty' has not included the fact that his hair may be very short. All six of them. A more accurate description would be....Bald. You gotta admire their chutzpah....

snapespeare · 14/10/2012 10:32

Morning! madameO & watch so pleased things are going well! :)

yoga you toughie you! Wink glad tattoo went well, that you're pleased and that you see it as a talisman. Lovely! :)

I am hungover. Nice gymming with PM yesterday, a little spoiled by me being asset about the people there...he asked if I was going to miss it when I leave at the end of the month (£ issues, it's FAR too expensive) I said yes of course I'm going to miss seeing you in your swimming trunks, practically naked and wet but I didn't like the people... It's all audis and BMWs, being at the children's charity job for the last year has made me a bit more of a class warrior than before, I deal with kids who are literally starving, their teeth falling out through malnutrition and walking past fading trophy wives eating nice dinners on the way back to the 4x4 stuffed car park is doing my head in. Still, he came for dinner, I spent the first 10 minutes sitting across from him at my kitchen table deleting photos of the notebook from Instagram as he's just joined it - still, a nice enough evening. It's his birthday weekend next weekend and I'm being pressured into champagne reception that his ex and her gf are going to, more lesbian-baiting, I don't really want to go, I find it tiresome being chatted up by lesbians all night. Then he's off to the coast for Saturday. Sad having a wobble about the notebook and if I don't chicken out (& I know I will get a chorus of disapproval from you all for even thinking of chickening). I can't think of how to give it to him. the notebook, not my foof

Going to be a weird couple of weeks.

Find out about work and money tomorrow. (Sigh)

watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 10:34

haha scatty at the one who said yes and then talked about sex. ridiclous.

Most of them arent meeting people. A few are... but they get far less messages than women.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 14/10/2012 10:36

As the person who has basically a 100% record with vanishers (as in they ALL do, either pre or post date) I concur that it's nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them :) It's hard not to take it personally but you have to try not to. I have a very healthy sense of self esteem but I have given up on OD for the foreseeable because I got totally fed up with being rejected (either pre or post date) by every man I encountered, to the point where I was becoming almost desperate. Not good.

watchoutforthatsnail · 14/10/2012 10:41

urgh snape - good luck for the work thing tomorrow. will be thinking of you.
can you not just give it to him, when its just you two, just hand it to him and say ' and i made this for you' and then just wait. or you could give it to him like that as he leaves yours and tell him you would rather he opens it in private?

parsley - he is exactly the type of muppet/ potato that will still be on the dating sites in 5 years time. Still single. because he has unrealistic expectations. If you did fancy them, or like the look of them, because sometmes attraction grows over time, then id just vanish. there isnt much need for a kiss off.

OP posts:
mercury7 · 14/10/2012 10:44

Scatty ' if I have asked for a photo, then just don't fancy them, would you send a nice Kiss Off message or just ignore? What the Rule here?'

Sometimes I reply with thanks but you're not my type, sometimes I dont bother and I just dont hear any more.
Sometimes I dont bother and they get a bit weird and keep messaging me desperately asking what I thought of the pictures