For VSM

[Evansmum]

Hope you are OK. Just sending you positive thoughts - you are an amazing woman and mother!

Yep, another milestone...

I'm glad it's over too...

I must fly since he's due over but I'll be back later on if you're about? Will ba nice to catch up.

Me xx

Not about i'm afraid, i'm at my parents and the computer is in where my boy sleeps. I'll be on tom. night though. Look after yourself

vsm

Can't believe how much more assertive you sound than just a week or so ago. Good on you for sticking to your guns and hope he doesn't try to pressurise you this evening.

Do hope the New Year brings you and your kids happier times.

vsm, we'll be in the bar when the bastard has left, if u want to chat

You're sounding much better VSM.

we were all so worried about you this time last week VSM, sorry if it was eavesdropping but reading your advice posts to bangles shows a further dimension of courage and strength you have, may be you didn't know it was there but we can all see it.

You go girl!

How did it go this evening, VSM?

Well done VSM you sound so positive and I'm really glad you've got some more time on your side.

He's gone...

It really annoyed me actually. He asked to come over at 6 (at about 5.30) and got here at 6.30, I asked him to leave by 8.30 after ds had gone to bed and he only left 5 mins ago...

He spent the entire time watching television. Hmmm.. quality time.

He kept on dropping things into the conversation though about 'us'. About going to see our parents together to tell then that we are having a few problems... you know the kind of stuff. I think he is in a dream world sometimes.

Still he's gone.. for now. I WILL KEEP UP THE PMA!!!

Thank you again all of you, you do know that I wouldn't have got as far as I without you, don't you?

Me xx

Well done you, stay strong
Am going off to my bed in a minute but the bar is open if you need some company - tho Popsycal keeps singing so watch it!!!

VSM - YOU did all the hard work! We're just cheering you on. xxx

Already popped in Lisa (and said good night to you I think!). Roscoe - I'm actually really serious, I'd probably still with living with him here, with absolutely nobody knowing, desperately trying to work it out. I obviously can't say that for sure but there's a huge chance.

LONG LIVE MUMSNET!!!

We've all been keeping our fingers crossed for you. Just wish I lived close enough to do something more practical. xxx

Thanks Roscoe! Where do you live?

I don't believe it, he's coming over again this afternoon... do you think I can just go out? (WITH the children before he gets here). It's just that I haven't been out of the house since I walked in Boxing Day evening and I really should try and get out.. Feeling a bit like billy no mates actually..

He is back to work Weds & Friday and then normally from next Monday, so should I let him whilst he can? I do want to try and be civil if I can..

Sounds like just going out before he arrives would get him really riled so not sure it is a good idea. Can you make an arrangement with a friend to meet up later, even for just a quick cup of tea. That way you have a genuine reason to curtail his visit and someone will be expecting to see you later. If you are going to split he needs to come to terms with it sooner rather than later and find other things and people with which to fill his time which won't happen if he thinks he can just turn up a short notice as and when.
Should get easier once he is back at work and has less opportunity.

The fact he wants to face your families together suggests to me that he wants to control what they are told rather than be open about the whole situation. I feel that you are right in telling him that he is in denial over it.

Fingers crossed for you.

There's no one really around fot the cup of tea thing though, I guess I could tell him that anyway. I was just thinking about going in to town or something, even Sainsbury's.

I'm just feeling a bit lonely I guess, and I don't want him to be my only company. I also don't want him thinking he can just come round as and when HE wants too...

You're so right about the family thing. He justs wants to appear the 'good' one out of all of this and believe me he is already. My father phones up more to talk to him than me - seriously, unless he wants something of course.

Thank you LIZS

VSM, please tell him it's not convenient. Lie if you want. Tell him you won't be there. Call your sister (who is back now, right?) take your son to visit his aunt. Take them to the sales - anything. Please don't just sit there so he feels he can just come round any time. I do think you need to keep those boundaries up otherwise he will trample all over them. And definitely DON'T go with him to talk to your parents. It will mean they get his story and you will be letting him control the situation and call the shots, and he's been doing that for far too long. If he wants to tell lies and deny his shocking behaviour, don't make it easier for him. You owe him nothing. Please, please remember that.
Could you take your boy to the pictures, maybe? Or would your sis look after him for a bit so you could do something for you?

Yes - the last thing you want is for him to come round just because he feels like it, especially when you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. Take the kids to the local library? Oh - and you don't need to get into long explanations with him either. You're going out. Oh, good luck.

VSM - I'm in Cambridgeshire.

Why am I so bl**dy stupid??

2 hrs after he called up I called him to see where he was (said he was leaving shortly) to find he hadn't even left yet and is going to go to Sainsbury's first.. argh!!

An hour later he called to say he wasn't coming over then but could he come over this evening. I said no. I had (foolishly) mentioned it to the children as they have started asking for him today after seeing him last night.

So of course they are now REALLY asking for him and they don't want me. They have been crying, screaming and being quite irritable really (although this is perhaps due to the fact I haven't left the house since my cr@ppy boxing day).

I have to see him tomorrow though at a 'family' thing. At least it will get us out the house..

I will be fine, as always (PMA should kick in soon), but I'm just having a bit of a low day now.. and feeling lonely.

What an unreliable *rse of a 'man'. Always putting himself first. Sorry you're having such a lousy time, VSM. xxx

Sorry he is p**ng you about, he really does want to control you all, doesn't he. Good for you for refusing though, even if it did come at a price. Hope tomorrow goes ok. I really don't know how you are managing to keep the pretence going though.

good luck

You've met him then?

Looking at some other threads, it could be a whole lot worse though couldn't it?

I think I just need to get a sense of normality back to my life..

Thanks though.

I guess it is a pretence isn't it? It's just easier to deal with in some ways, than the truth.. The truth hurts.

Aloha - just reading back through some posts and your bit about having some time for me is, perhaps, spot on. Time out would be fab.