Hurt at proposal and ring

[Ungratefulornot]

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

I think this is really a mountain out of a molehill op.
You love him?
He loves you?
You want to get married?
Forget the fecking ring!
It doesn't matter!
As you said, get a beautiful wedding band that you will wear everyday for -hopefully - 60 odd years!
Good luck x

...oh and your hen do sounds exactly like mine!
Had a blast...... :)

Ungrateful
for god's sake:

Sit him down and say you're thrilled to be gettng married etc but that you don't like the ring. You feel terrible and ungrateful (I don't think you need to feel ungarteful btw) but you just feel unhappy about it and you'd like a more traditional engagement ring. That what you would like is for you both to go ring shopping and pick one out together. And you'll have plain wedding band to off-set any additional cost.

He really shouldn't be hurt by this (by his own admission he didn't out much thought into it picking it out, so it's not like you're throwing his choice back in his face) and you can put these feelings aside and you can have a nice time choosing something you both like.

My DH got me a place holder ring when we got engaged and we chose my ring together. It was nice. I can't think of anything worse than having no say in the most expensive piece of jewellery I'll ever have AND one I have to wear every day.

And seriously work on piping up to your STBDH when something bothers you! I have been with DH 11 years this November. Apart from my lovely engagement ring (and the placeholder one actually) he has NEVER bought me a present taht I have liked - even when he puts in a lot of effort. Now we just go out for a flash dinner for my birthday & I swap my Christmas present on boxing day . C'est la vie!!

OP, if it's making you unhappy, then just tell him!

A ring is a symbol, not a fashion item - I think he sees it for what it really is.

Perhaps this is a sign that you are unhappy with the relationship on a deeper level.

^ I don't think the unhappiness over the ring is indicative of deeper problems in the OP's relationship. (Maybe the inability to discuss it with her fiance is!)

I am a normally intelligent, non-materialistic person, but I would have been very upset if DH had presented me with a cheap ring that he obviously hadn't put much thought into (or if he'd spent loads of money on one without consulting me, for that matter.)

We'd been together 7 years when we got engaged, we both had good jobs that paid well - I would have taken a cheap ring as a sign that he was being stingy and that I wasn't worth something better, whether that was true or not.

I would have taken a cheap ring as a sign that he was being stingy and that I wasn't worth something better - you value your worth by the price of a ring?

No. I value my worth quite highly. Which is why I would expect a nice engagement ring. It all came out of joint funds in any case!

I bought myself a £20 wedding ring. That doesn't reflect on my self-worth in any way, it just means jewellery happens not to be one of the things I'm bothered about or feel it's worth spending money on. just don't ask how many thousands I spent on my piano

Your value is nothing to do with anything material!

Gennz does that mean because your ring was (probably) more expensive than mine, you are of a higher "value" than me??

arrghh. No!

In those days we had lots of disposable income . Thus I would have been hurt if DH had prioritised spending large on (say) a big lads' trips to Ibiza but said "here you go, let's get married and here's ring I bought, it was really cheap." I wouldn't have felt much of a priority on the scale of things.

Certainly I don't judge my (or anyone else's) worth on their bloody engagement ring. Rightly or wrongly, I unxderstand why the OP is upset.

Look, will people stop pulling the line about a woman's jewellery being equivalent to her price as a sex toy. Tsk, even tho you claim to be arguing against it, you're being worse than the maddest wife-seller.

I find women being accused of being greedy or of measuring their worth by purely financial assets really offensive. People who do this these days are effectively saying, oh, if you want something that's worth money you're no better than a hooker. Or 'you can have something but only if it's worthless to prove you are not a hooker'.

This is just as sexist as any old-school bride bartering, indeed worse, as it guarantees any decent woman ends up with nothing.

Not to mention there's a bit more to the meaning of possessions than a price tag.

Rant over: my private theory follows. Not once have I known a man who failed to produce a decent engagement ring who suddenly turned around and financially supported his children, or even helped with household finances much prior to that. See how symbols matter?

Hold out for a decent ring OP, see how he responds.

I think the point is some people put a lot of value on what the actual ring is worth. Feeling quite hurt if the man doesn't spend very much on a ring if he can afford it. (It's different if money is tight.) But some people aren't bothered as the ring is only a token. The problem arises when you get a couple and they have opposite views.

Mmm.

You're both getting married.
You have an engagement ring as a token of his commitment to you...

... it's not to your taste.

I suggest you talk honestly to him about it, and tell him how much of your joint money you'd like to spend on it, and exactly what you would like it to look like.

I'd also ask yourself what have you done to show your commitment to him - did I miss what you got him?

... and why exactly should any woman expect the man to buy her a special present to recognise their engagement... if she isn't doing likewise. [For avoidance of doubt, I have bought engagement rings, on each occasion about a week's salary]

some people aren't bothered as the ring is only a token. The problem arises when you get a couple and they have opposite views.

This is why I suggested that this may indicate that there is a deeper problem here.

What on earth do you mean by a decent ring? If you've swallowed the month's salary marketing bilge you must be an idiot.

Be honest about the ring. Clearly ££ isn't an issue, so you need to talk with him, be honest and get the ring you will be happy to wear every day for the rest of your life.

And if you can't do the above, then seriously think twice about getting married.

Sounds to me like he's more interested in the wedding ring. Why don't you make it even more special by designing a ring with him?

I do understand the desire to have something you like though. I always look at mine and smile. Not because it's particularly dazzling, but just because it's exactly what I wanted and meant do much to me.

My first engagement didn't get a proposal as such - just a presentation of the ring box and a "this is what you wanted, isn't it?" I even had to ask which finger it should go on. It was not a ring I would have picked, apart from the colour - but it was expensive (so that bit's different). Anyway. Didn't pan out - less than a year later he went off with someone else (after 11y together!)

With DH - still didn't get a proposal. But nor did I get an engagement ring at all this time. Guess I'm not the sort of person who people feel like being romantic to! (fair enough) Got the wedding ring I wanted, with extra bling (to make up for the lack of engagement ring) and a half-eternity the following year on our first anniversary (still felt the lack of the engagement ring!) but I'm happy with what I have.

I can see that you are feeling under-valued by the lack-lustre proposal and the cheap engagement ring - are you having second thoughts about it, given that you feel under-valued?

I find it weird that some people seem to link the OP's financé's crap taste in rings to the fact that they're doomed to never understand each other.

A couple I know. Two very lovely people. Insanely in love with each other. SHE isn't grabby, but when it became clear that her then-partner was falling over himself to propose to her and be married to her, mentioned her dislike of the contemporary diamond industry and said that if THEY were ever to choose rings together, it would be her fervent wish to buy antiques.

HE, an otherwise eminently sensible chap, probably did listen to this wish at some point but just lost his head with romantical excitement and recruited a mutual female friend to go ring-shopping with him. Mutal female friend also lost her head with romantical excitement and helped to pick out a very contemporary diamond solitaire which is in no way keeping with first friend's taste or wishes. It took first friend a while to get over the niggling annoyance she felt at being presented with a ring she reallly hated. However she put it aside and never said anything to her husband about it. They are still crazy about each other several years down the line, but she still hates that damn ring!

My point: Sometimes other people we love very much still get us wrong. (Every year for my birthday, my mum presents me with a card that has awful pictures of shoes and shopping bags on it...'because you like clothes!'. I have never told her that those cards make me rageful, but I really should.)

OP, just tell him you'd like to go ring-shopping together. Don't sweat it.

(Disclaimer: I am not married but if DP and I ever decide to finally take the plunge I doubt there'll be a ring. I'm very fussy and hell will freeze over before I allow him to choose and pay for MY jewellery.)

I have a friend that works as a jeweller and has said that loads of couples go back to change the ring...often for an upgrade! So don't worry about it. Just tell him you'd prefer to exchange it.

My proposals were both startingly unromantic.

With my first wife, I was seeing her off at the station, and just said quietly @I love you, will you marry me?" just as she walked through the ticket gate. I turned and left, so she had to text her reply.

This time round, DW asked me. I had hinted that I wanted to, and that I was going to - even gave her an anticipated time frame. Then a week or two later, and about nine months ahead of when I suggested I might ask her, she just said "I think I'm ready to become Mrs. Badlad". And I accepted

Whenever we found a romantic-looking spot after that, I asked her again.

Both times they chose the rings for themselves, as I had no idea what they would like.

I don't even have an engagement ring. We never bothered. Also, my husband proposed to me after we'd had a row :P I rolled over and he said 'Will you marry me?' and I said 'Yeah fine' and fell asleep. Thought he was joking. The next morning he was all 'YAY WEDDING'.

Our marriage is great though, we're really happy. Shit like that just doesn't matter in the long run. Our proposal story isn't hella romantic to other people, but to me its us and it actually makes me happy.

If you get married, in 15/25/45 years time will it really matter?