Hurt at proposal and ring

[Ungratefulornot]

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

Sorry but I'm reading this not as a happy man but as an exasperated man who, in the face of pressure to get married, has decided 'WTF... let's get it over with' and is going at it like a bull in a china shop. Bish, bash, bosh. If you complain you'll get told to stop moaning because you're getting what you want.

He sounds the type that won't notice if you swap the ring for another design, but then there'll be the question of the extra dosh that'll be needed to top up his paltry investment in a naff piece of jewellery that you'd be ashamed to flash around when you announce your betrothal. Do you haye access to his credit card

I got engaged 6 weeks ago :) it's a weird feeling because you do build it up in your head and because it's something you've seen so many times in films, etc that when it happens it doesn't seem quite 'real' and you start wondering why you don't feel ecstatic about the whole 'proposal' thing. I can see where both you and your DP are coming from - I hate surprises so I was always going to find the actual 'proposal bit' panic-inducing and weird ( even though it was also lovely and I am thrilled to be marrying him). Perhaps he's a bit like me and finds the whole 'romance' thing to be, actually, not what real love is about for him? After all, it should be about the marriage, not the wedding/proposal/ring!

Having said that...I completely see where you are coming from both in terms of not liking the ring and in terms of of effort on his part - even if he doesn't 'do' engagement rings, he should have considered your feelings. I think the only thing to do is to have a proper talk where you establish that a) you both love each other and agree that the marriage is the most important thing, and b) talk about what the ring actually means to both of you. Perhaps you could agree to get a special ring made for you that he helps design, or buy an antique ring from a town you've visited together and have good memories of? That might help him to grasp the importance of the ring to you, without making it sound like you just don't think he forked out enough! (not saying that's what you think, but e might think you think that!)
Best of luck - and congratulations! I can honestly say that the first three days of being engaged were stomach-churningly stressful and weird, but now we are happily venue planning and I don't think I've ever felt closer to him :)

Thanks all.. He said he just got something simple (cheap) as he was picking so it could be a surprise and i could get a fantastic wedding ring. He seems to have the idea that no one cares about the engagement ring, that it's only the wedding ring that really means anything..

I do want to change it but don't want to hurt him and also, that's the ring he proposed with so another one may not feel the same.. Dilemma.

Personally I think marriage goes rather a long way beyond the nature of the proposal and something as shallow as the value of the ring.

But then my DH rolled over in bed and muttered will you marry me and I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly and he had to repeat the question.

I'd known him six weeks and even then I knew the answer was yes and that soppy stage managed proposals weren't his style.

As for a ring we were students, so I guess it was cheap and even then I promised I'd refund him half if we split up.

Sorry cogito you're way off the mark, he's very happy at the marriage and always said he wanted to marry, more so than me!
Lol @ izzy

Sounds like you want him to read your mind.

"He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it."

WTF?

What's the poor bloke to do?

He gets you a ring, you don't like it, he notices you don't like it and asks you if you want to change it, you say no, he can tell you are not happy with it, you are on here moaning about it, yet you won't say "Look, I'm really not keen on this one, can we choose another?"

You sound like a nightmare. Seriously, what do you expect him to do? Given that he can't not do what he did do. Just what is he supposed to do to make you feel happy about this? It sounds like you think he should come in the door saying "I know you said you didn't want to swap the ring but I knew you didn't like it so I have swapped it for this < gleam gleam > expensive one that is your dream ring." But that's not going to happen because HE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT TO SWAP IT AND YOU COCKING WELL SAY NO AND HE WOULD BE MAD TO SWAP IT WHEN YOU HAVE SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BECAUSE YOU MIGHT COME ON THE INTERNET MOANING TO EVERYONE (caps intentional).

Oh sorry, you ARE on the internet moaning to everyone.

Hi OP - you say you feel annoyed as you have spent your time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this. Some people are really good at giving thoughtful gifts and some people are either not so good at it or don't see it as having the same importance. It can feel burdensome receiving amazing gifts and feeling you can't match up.

The lack of thought on the ring, in itself, doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. If he said he had spent ages looking for it and thought you would love it, I would feel hesitant to change it and would try to get to like it but since he's said he doesn't think it's very important, he probably won't mind if you tell him you don't love it and would like to change it.

Are you in danger of spoiling the whole thing because it didn't match up to some "princess fantasy" you have in your head?

If so I think you are being unfair to your DF - the important thing is that he wants to marry you, and he asked you in his own inimitable way

If you don't like the ring, go shopping together for a new one. Make a romantic day of it - book lunch somewhere nice, have champagne, and choose the ring together.

fwiw DH asked me whilst incredibly drunk, with a tinfoil ring. It wasn't romantic at all as he felt rather sick straight after and ended up sitting in the bathroom for a while!!!

I WAS a bit disappointed, but I got over it, and I love my ring (yes, pretty cheap too in the grand scheme of things) because he chose it and for what it symbolises.

It's a ring fgs!
It's the vows that matter!
Good grief.....
Do you love him? Do you want to marry him?
Sorry op you sound needy and a bit fiancée-zilla.

I agree with cog. You are not well matched. No matter what anyone's opinions are about rings, proposals, weddings or marriages the thing that is important here is that you two are, it seems, wildly mismatched and you don't seem able to reconcile your needs/views about things which are important to each of you.

Change the ring! He's mentioned it himself so the option is right there in front of you.

knitfast yes it was very surreal! I couldn't believe how odd I felt..

balloon - harsh but fair! apart fom me being a nightmare - I'm really not! I suppose what I really want is to feel better about the ring I do have as that's the one he proposed with. I just feel disappointed, rightly or wrongly, at the lack of effort..

I think your DP is being very thoughtless. He isn't the one who is going to be wearing the ring or showing it to others.

It was presumptuous of him to choose it without at least asking what you would like. I would have been upset at this too.

I suggest you tell him all this and you both go and choose together. Then arrange a special outing during which he will slip the ring on your finger. That place will then have a special memory. You can then say you had an unofficial engagement and an official one!

And beware the "I get him/spend time doing xyz because it is what I want him to do" he might secretly hate the things you get/do or not see them as important. This is not an adequate way of communicating your relationship bottom lines. You need to be able to communicate much better than this to be in a lasting relationship, at least on the face of it.

OP, I wouldn't worry too much about it being the ring he proposed with, down the line these things just become part of your history. We were broke when we got married and spent all our money on my ring couldn't afford a ring for DH. He used a really fugly ring borrowed from his DF. We were originally planning to change it but didn't because it was the one he got married with. We hummed and hawed for years and years about it - it was really fugly. Eventually DH developed some form of fungal grossness under the ring so he replaced it guilt-free. It doesn't bother either of us that it wasn't the one on the actual day - it's an ongoing symbol.

I think you need to tell him about the ring and get a new one that you actually like.

When you tell people you are engaged, the first thing most of them will do is say 'ooh let's see your ring'. If you are embarrassed about the ring and don't love it, then you are going to feel more and more angry and upset each time you have that conversation with him.

Marriage is about honesty and trust, and you have to actually communicate in order for those things to grow and become the bedrock of your relationship.
If you cannot be honest now, before you have the pressures of children, or hard times that may come in the future, then when will you start being honest?

Ok to make you feel better over dinner on a work night dh said Ithink we should get married since we want to have children..... That was it, my proposal.... I got an engagement ring the day I gave birth to dd just over a year after we got married. It doesn't match my gold band ...it is platinum with 3 diamonds... But you know what I don't give a sh*t . I had hoped for a romantic proposal, even one knee or maybe something wow...but it diddn't happen I love him he loves me..we joke about it now . If you really love him just forget it move on and be happy.....

I'm just completely bemused by the idea that any poor sod should be expected to choose something as personal as an engagement ring without his fiancee's input!

It sounds so completely old-fashioned and well, submissive. This is a highly symbolic and very visible piece of jewellery which publicly advertises your lack of sexual availability marital status and which you are expected to wear most of the time from now on. So why is your fiance supposed to know what you want without extensive and detailed demonstrations:" Look at THAT ring! it's PERFECT!" discussions?

Are all men supposed to be omniscient telepaths? Would you honestly trust any chap to choose your SHOES for you, far less an engagement ring?

"Thanks all.. He said he just got something simple (cheap) as he was picking so it could be a surprise"

See I don't think that's thoughtless at all, it's actually really sweet. He'd obviously thought about it, and tried to plan a surprise for you.

My DH proposed to me while on sleeping pills, he had to ask me in the morning if he'd actually asked me and what I'd replied with

Thanks Ailibabaa you've summed it up really well - this just isn't going to go away anytime soon because as soon as engagement is out all I'll get is people asking to see it.. I feel like just avoiding getting it resized for weeks and hopefully it'll be old news by the time it surfaces. And then I feel really terrible for feeling like that.

Were you living together? How old are you?

Agree with Badvoc - surely romantic proposals and flashy engagements are for young couples (or royalty ) who aren't yet living together, what's important is your future together, not the size of the ring .

I have been married twice and both times we came to an agreement together that we wanted to share our future (obviously didn't discuss it enough in the first case) - the thought of my then boyfriend going down on bended knee fills me with horror (and my first marriage was over 30 yers ago !).

He isn't the one who is going to be wearing the ring or showing it to others.

Because that's what is important here, isn't it? Not finding someone you love whom you wish to marry and who wants to marry you, not planning a life together, it's all about having something shiny on your finger that you can show off to others. FFS...

OP, if you don't like the ring, tell him. As much as you want him to be able to, sadly he can't read your mind.

I think this is a result of the fairy stories little girls are raised on. What did you want him to show up on a white charger and carry you off into the sunset?

IMO the proposal doesn't matter, the ring doesn't matter, the wedding doesn't matter. The ONLY thing that matters is your marriage, get that right and you Will live happily ever after. Please stop focusing on the trivial, your man sounds lovely, I hope you have a great life together.

Thanks - I had assumed he'd get either get input before a proposal, or just propose and say we'd pick together...

Thanks for all the perspectives everyone.