Hurt at proposal and ring

[Ungratefulornot]

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

Wrt bridal dresses...I cannot be the only bride who chose her dress because a) it was cheap and b) it was the only one that didn't make her look like miss havisham!

Thank goodness for Badvoc. At last someone said what needed to be said.

But then again I told dh (then dp) that if he got me an engagement ring I would leave him.

If he was going to get a ring, it should be a wedding ring. And he should put one on at the same time.

You don't take out an option on me. (we went shopping together for our wedding rings the next day)

Most things in life don't go as we imagine... I was never one of those girls that had spent time imagining proposals and marriage so maybe that's why I'm completely mystified by this thread.
I'm sorry you're upset OP, but Ido find your attitude towards this quite odd.

I have a friend who really did go the whole hog - he borrowed a white horse and rode it up the front entrance stairs of an historic mansion during an evening ball that he and his then girlfriend (and all of their friends) were attending, (obv causing a bit of a kerfuffle and hundreds of people to crowd the staircase to try and get a good view of the entrance hall - but of course a fair proportion of them had been tipped off), summoned the gf, dismounted said white horse, went down on one knee, produced a huge sparkly rock, and got his mate to give her a leg up in her posh frock so that they could work out how to get back down the stairs to ride off into the sunset on said slightly freaked out horse.

They are obviously now divorced.

I got savaged by a mad lamb in torrential rain in the Lake District on my honeymoon. well, it tried to eat my glove, anyway. And he proposed on the day Diana was buried, when he woke up. I always felt slightly odd about that! Not a shred of romance anywhere.

I bought my own engagement ring. Dh didn't see it for six weeks as he was working o'seas. It was cheap as chips, and I found it secondhand in a jewellers that I'd popped into to look at the standard issue boulders.

I can quite honestly say that I don't give a rat's arse what anyone else's engagement ring looks like. But I like mine. So, sort yours out. For you, no one else.

I can understand why you are upset. You can't undo the proposal, it is what it is, no matter what you had built up in your head. If you love him and want to marry him then you need to get over it, fast, and recoginse that many years down the line, you will look back on it with a wry smile like some of the other posters.

You can undo the ring, if you're really unhappy about it. I love my ring and I get a big smile every time I look at it. It's perfect because dh knew the kind of thing I like and that's what he chose. Having said that, and to give you some perspective on how you might feel in a few years time.... if I lost my engagement ring I would be very upset because dh would kill but it is replaceable. if I lost my plain wedding ring band, I would be devastated.

You do need to sort it out quickly. If you don't love your ring, it might come across to people in a very unfortunate way. I remember one girl commenting really loudly and rudely about her cheap ring when she looked at mine. A silence fell in the group and we all felt for her dh and thought she was a bit of a cow. Don't be that person.

Does anyone in RL even really talk about the proposal, anyway? I know of a couple of friend's really amusing awful ones, and a friend who got engaged on the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge, but apart from those and mine I don't know (or care!) how people agreed to get married.

Madwoman....
I see your lamb and raise you a deranged Shetland pony!
They may be small, but their teeth are bloody huge! :( especially when chewing on your thigh...
I have been savaged my lots of animals now I think about it...dogs, rabbits, a budgie (long story).
It's probably my pheromones

Just so we can compare, what did you buy him as an engagement gift, OP?

The people I know who had the most 'romantic' proposal are now divorced

I always think that a really showy proposal means you are potentially marrying an egotistical show off! The proposal isn't to impress the bride but to get the groom a big pat on the back

But then I'm an old cynic!

Dh proposed the day before Diana was killed!
It was strange coming home in the car...all the radio stations were playing funeral music....

He cocked up by not realising how much the ring means to you - bet he knows now.
Turning him down for a new one, then holding it all against him, when he is offering to remedy the situation, appears a bit passive-aggressive. Communicate honestly with him, tell him how much it means ( trying hard not to blame him too much for not realising in the first place). Then be honest about wanting a nicer ring and give him ideas or tell him it would be romantic to choose together

Badvoc - now you just have to tell the budgie story , you cant leave us hanging like this!

My friend bought her own engagement ring as her H knew he wouldnt be able to get it right....

I loved mine for the simple fact that STBXH chose it himself and knew that I would love it....

But as I said before, it was a lack of communication (from him) that now makes him STBXH. He didnt want to upset me, so never spoke out, until one day he just decided to walk out. Dont become that couple.....

Well, quite. All I could think was 'omg, we're getting married' and everyone else in the land was weeping, wailing, beating their breasts, and tossing roses into the street.

Shite timing.

What are you supposed to do, say 'never mind about all the national mourning bollocks, are you free next year in March?'

We'd been together for 7 years. You'd think he'd have had enough sense time to think about the execution. Or maybe put it off for another day.

Those damned pheromones have a lot to answer for.

DH proposed to me in the Piazza della Signoria in Florence.

Good choice really as it's a hub of political action and protests.

JUst say the words, "BLue Box White Ribbon" to your DP, OP.

Bloody hell. Are you 12? A Disney Princess?

What everyone else up thread said. Sheesh.

Yes it was odd.
I felt very happy and yet the rest if Country was in mourning...
Budgie story?
Well.
I had an aunt and she was infirm and so I visited her fairly often.
She had budgies.
I should point out here that I am scared of birds. I know it's stupid, but they are beaky and flappy and ugly.
This particular day I arrived and she was cleaning the cage out and the bird was -shudder - flying about the room and perching in random bits of furniture.
I sat down and tried not to hyperventilate.
We were chatting away and the bird (gulp) actually landed on my head.
I kept still despite the fear and waited for it to fly the fuck off.
It didn't.
Much to my aunts amusement it started to peck my head.
"Oh joeys never done that before"
Bloody thing actually pecked a hole in my head!!
It died some months later.
I was glad.

Dh proposed to me in the middle of the road (suddenly there was NO traffic, which in itself was very rare between Tootinc Bec and Tooting Broadway).

He ran out into the street, spread his arms open and shouted out "Quint, I love you, marry me!" I walked out into the street, he went down on one knee where he presented me with a ring made from twisted chewing gum paper.

Then he got the the Argos ring, a little while later. It was £99, I know, because I had seen it in the catalogue. It was NOT the cheapest ring, but I loved it.

His friend boasted that her fiance had spent 5k on a ring. I did not care. I wanted to marry the guy. This was 18 years ago.

I lost my engagement and wedding ring in the most absurd way possible, I cant replace the wedding ring, it had belonged to his grandma who survived Auschwitz. The engagement ring? Well, I replaced that, with one from a jewelers, I chose one as similar as possible to the original Argos ring.

It is not the ring, not the proposal, and not the wedding. But the person, the relationship and the marriage.

What Malificence said: "A decent man who loves you and treats you properly, who wants to spend his life with you, is worth a thousand flashy rings and proposals". Exactly right.

None of that means you have to like the actual ring, that's a matter of personal taste, but it's simple enough to exchange if it really bothers you, you are making this into a much much bigger deal than it needs to be. If you're going all bridezilla like this now, what are you going to be like come the wedding?

My enagment ring was £29 in Ratners.

We were students.

I couldn't like it more if I tried.

Get over it. The ring isn't the deal. The relationship/msrriahe is

18 years on I wear my Ratners cubic zircon with pride!!!

Quint - so like me!

Its the thought/intention not the cot.

Plus I've been able to deal with a £29 ring! £2,900, I'd have lost it by now!!!

I know! I was also a student, and he in a low paid job! Oh, the memories.

We lived in a flat share in Tooting, the only shower was in our bedroom. We had an outside lavatory, and shared with two girls who used to come into our bedroom and shower before work in the mornings. Those were the days!

Yay Quint! I lived in a five girl squat and he was using hospitalmaccomodation (then free to medical students!)

They say you should spend a months salary on th engagement ring -- he did! £29 was all he had!!

I didn't even get an engagement rings, my DH proposed over the phone. I was over the moon and still am nearly 25 years later. Life is what matters not trying to recreate moments from a chick flic.