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Original poster

Hurt at proposal and ring

264 replies

Ungratefulornot · 25/09/2012 17:02

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. Hmm So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts Hmm It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ungratefulornot · 26/09/2012 14:17

OneMoreChap you want to know what I got him to show my love for him? Nothing for the engagement as I didn't know it was happening but a few months ago I gave him a circa £3000 vintage watch that I knew he had hankered after for years.. I had been on the lookout for the right year of watch for months then the perfect one came up. I had planned to get it and put it by for our wedding day but at that point I didn't know when that would be so I gave it to him as I knew he would treasure it and love it forever.

I only mention this as you asked specifically. I haven't mentioned it before because then I'd get people saying that I want him to buy me a ring of the same value or that I didn't give it freely and without condition.. Because I did! Because I love him and wanted to make him truly happy.

No way would I be expecting that much on my ring just a bit more thought and a bit more quality than he got.. He's very generous with me just not with this which was so important to me..

OP posts:
OneMoreChap · 26/09/2012 14:23

Ungratefulornot It wasn't really a dig at you. But do just talk to him, and explain it would be more special if it was something for the two of you together...

... I suspect if you brood over it it will always nag at you in later years, so talk about it now, rather then end up chucking it at each other in arguments in the future...

Ahhhtetley · 26/09/2012 14:24

Some blokes are shit at this dirt if thing. My dh gave me my ring as a wrapped pressy at Christmas and mumbled something about getting married Grin I'd told him for years I wanted an emerald cut single diamond and I got a brilliant cut 3 diamond ring.

Although its not like it is in the movies it's the commitment that counts, not the ring or how he does it, what he's actually saying to you is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Surely that's romantic Wink

AgathaFusty · 26/09/2012 14:40

If you can afford it, why not change it. It's not like he should feel massive rejection of his carefully chosen ring, is it?

Two couples we know, both of whom have been married for 20 + years, have recently changed their wedding rings. Both said that they didn't really like the rings they married with (this is the men and the women from these couples), and preferred their new ones for various reasons. We were quite surprised when they did it, but if it's what they want, what does it really matter? It does show though, that different people hold different significance and value to these things.

I've worked with women in the past, too, who have deliberately 'lost' engagement rings that they were not keen on, a few years down the line, to get new ones of their choosing.

givemeaname · 26/09/2012 16:28

Ive only read 4 first pages so hope i havent missed any other details...but..i think you need to stop dwelling on this. You have said so yourself that you are worried if you change it that you wont feel the same to you as its not the one he proposed to you with. To me that says you do place some value on the ring - not monetary value but sentimental value already and in my book thats priceless!
He even ASKED you if you wanted to swap it and you declined.....you should accept that now and move on and plan your wedding together. If you REALLY cant bare the ring....i know alot of women that no longer wear the engagement ring after they married and just wear the wedding ring.

Ormiriathomimus · 26/09/2012 17:08

If it had been a cheap ring that he had taken a lot of trouble to find and choose would that have been OK?

spondulix · 26/09/2012 18:48

I didn't get a proposal or a ring - be it an engagement ring or a wedding band. Still haven't got around to getting one.

Was just so happy at the prospect of being with DH forever though - what's a poxy circular metal object next to that?

Are you excited about being with your DP forever, OP? Or is this ring issue a distraction from some deeper fear or issue?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 26/09/2012 19:24

Orm, I think if they were short of money and all he could afford was a cheap ring and he went to a lot of effort to get the sort of thing she liked, she'd be okay with that. She loves him and wants to marry him. It's not wrong to hope someone will take your preferences into account, is it? It's not wrong to think someone might (given they have the money) like to splash out on an engagement ring, is it?

ArtVandelay · 26/09/2012 19:43

I love my engagement ring - pity the chap was a heinous arse who I didn't end up marrying! And like ZsaZsa, I did not give it back. DH and I didn't do engagement or wedding rings as we were building a house at the time and it seemed a bit silly. I think I was fine about this because the heinous arse had done all the Disney nonsense so I can appreciate what you are saying OP. I'm not going to criticise you for wanting a big sparkler to knock everyone's eyes out because at one point in my life I did derive a good deal of pleasure from such things.

marshmallowpies · 26/09/2012 19:52

Orm - in my case, if my DH had bought an inexpensive ring which was to my taste and I loved, I wouldn't have cared about the price. At All.

As it is, the ring I picked out was well under the upper limit of the budget he had in mind and I think he was mighty relieved (though he does say every so often 'you didn't pick that ring because it was the cheapest one we looked at, did you?' and I have to reassure him, no, that wasn't the reason - it genuinely jumped out at me and said 'I'm your ring!' and I love the fact I knew instantly it was the right one. It was a lovely moment).

Lakota · 26/09/2012 19:59

Maybe a daft question, but could your current engagement ring not be used as the wedding band? And you pick out another engagement ring and choose his wedding band at the same time?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 26/09/2012 23:42

She doesn't like her engagement ring, Lakota. She doesn't want it at all. That's the whole problem!

Original poster
Ungratefulornot · 27/09/2012 07:47

Problem solved!

Yesterday I took on board what most of you have said and spoke to him about it. Although previously he'd said I could return it I sensed he was upset about it and this coupled with the sentimental fact that he gave me it stopped me doing so. But yesterday he seemed happy for me to return it, said he'd thought as the wedding ring was ultimately more important that people paid more and put more care into that than the engagement ring up that he'd got it wrong.

So I went to return it. Lakota you were thinking along the same lines.. I didn't dislike the ring in itself, I only disliked it as an engagement ring. So I decided that I would keep that ring and use it as my wedding ring when the time came and get a new engagement ring that would go well with it. So that way I would be happy with new ring but still have original for sentimental reasons - perfect! Unfortunately, the jewellers said original couldn't actually be resized because it was channel cut setting and they'd need to order a new one in. I didn't see point then as a new ring wouldn't have any emotional attachment for me even if it was the same design. So.. I just exchanged original ring for a new one I love. Very happy. Not just with ring but that my DF was so sweet about it particularly as I must have hurt his feelings which is the last thing I wanted.

Ring will be in tomorrow. Very excited Grin

Thanks all for taking the time to give me your perspectives! Much appreciated Thanks

OP posts:
diddl · 27/09/2012 07:52

"use it as my wedding ring when the time came"

That´s nice-glad I suggested it 2 days ago at 22.08Grin

(apologies if I wasn´t the first)

Thumbwitch · 27/09/2012 07:54

Very pleased you have an outcome you're happy with, Ungratefulornot and glad that your DF was accommodating about it. :)

Original poster
Ungratefulornot · 27/09/2012 08:28

Oops sorry diddl, I missed that Blush Shame it didn't work out as I really wanted to keep original ring but I couldn't have done that even if I didn't want a different style.

Hey ho, main thing is my DF is totally fine and we both feel very happy. We've been telling everyone this week - very exciting Grin

OP posts:
MiggleMoo · 27/09/2012 08:37

My husband and I were walking around the woods one day (before we got married) when he said, 'I think if we want children we probably should get married', I said 'is that a proposal', he said 'well I guess so, seems like a good idea'! No ring and no over the top romance. but my goodness are we one of the most happiest, contented and well settled couples that you could find. Later we went to a jewellers and got a ring made, it was very simple and not expensive - bigger things matter more to us.

He wants to marry you for goodness sake, it is not about a ring or how he chooses to ask you, it is about that he chooses you, and you him! If a ring and proposal are what really matters you maybe you need to think why you want to get married?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I am feeling sorry for your poor bf in this. Maybe big fancy things just aren't his style!

MiggleMoo · 27/09/2012 08:39

Ps. sorry was a quick reply before flipping through the whole thread (didn't realise it went on for more than 1 page!) Glad it has worked out. congratulations on the engagement.

Happylander · 27/09/2012 08:40

My Ex got me a rather expensive engagement ring. I told him to send it back as I wouldn't wear it, would probably lose it and that if he knew me he should have known that I would rather have had a holiday/new tent/any other bit of camping gear than a ring LOL.

diddl · 27/09/2012 08:43

Sorry-missed that you can´t do that due to resizingBlush.

"I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I am feeling sorry for your poor bf in this."-he´s probably hurt that OP didn´t like the ring.

But surely he´d rather she has something she likes?

Corygal · 27/09/2012 08:49

OP - you've both been brilliant. Congratulations and all the best for the wedding!

Original poster
Ungratefulornot · 27/09/2012 08:53

Thanks corygal - so so happy Grin

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 27/09/2012 09:00

Great outcome Grin. So, do we get to see a picture of the new ring when you get it????

diddl · 27/09/2012 09:02

Oh yes,a pic would be nice.

And I don´t think I´ve said CONGRATULATIONS yet!

Original poster
Ungratefulornot · 27/09/2012 09:10

Absolutely agathafusty Grin It's a bit blingier than I thought I'd like Blush as I'm not really into bling but I loved it the moment I saw it and it sits really well against bands :-)

I've put an Internet image of it on my profile - you should be able to see it Smile

OP posts:
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