Hurt at proposal and ring

[Ungratefulornot]

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

I'd turn him down! You obviously aren't suited, and have communication mismatches.

It won't get better you know, unless you are both involved in improving things.

He has told you he doesn't see the importance of the engagement ring, and that it was cheap and a token. Given that, I'm sure he can't really be too upset if you tell him that you feel differently about the importance, and that you would prefer to change it for something else.

It's upsetting you. You won't feel happy about it until it is changed. He knows you are not happy. He will probably feel happier too once he knows you have a ring you are pleased with, since he now knows it has more significance for you. Tell him tonight, get it over with.

I was going to say what Izzy said - that you shoukdnt be thinking of marrying the man if you can't talk to him about how you feel. My marriage has just broken up after six years, ten years together, because he couldn't tell me that he was unhappy with things.

My STBXH got down on one knee on my 33rd birthday and totally surprised me with a lovely ring. It was Topaz for the main stone with a couple of diamonds each side and I loved it. It cost £225 and was all he could afford. I loved it because he chose it knowing that I loved Topaz. It's still the most expensive piece of jewellery that I own and I'm gutted that I can no longer wear it because he left me.

Anyway, the point is that cost doesn't matter, it's the symbol that matters.

But relationship wise, you should be able to tell him that you would like something a bit different, if you can't then you should not get married

Athinginyourlife - no he thinks I am worth working hard, saving up, and buying something for me I have always loved & will treasure forever.

That is very romantic in my opinion.
Even more so because it isn't something I've pushed for.
Whats your problem?

I would love an antique ring. DH & I will choose an eternity ring together for our silver wedding anniversary.

How does he know what to get if you haven't pushed for it This thread is becoming very 1950s

Hmm. If you are just disappointed you didn't get a flashier ring then you can always drop a few hints in the future. I wouldn't have been happy with a ring chosen by my DH. I knew he wouldn't be capable of choosing something I liked. (Sorry if that sounds awful) But you either love him enough to overlook his shortcomings on the dream proposal front or you don't. I think that's what it comes down to.

Get over the proposal (TBH I've heard far worse....). Say you want a more expensive suitable ring, if you know you can afford it. If you say you don't want to exchange it, he is entitled to take you at your word.

If you're bothered now over a ring and the way he proposed, how bothered are you going to be when you disagree over a house to buy, spacing children, where they are educated. If this was the man for you I don't think you would give two hoots about the proposal or the ring. It sounds as though you each have different expectations.

I think he's just made an epic error of judgement re the ring - my DH thought the plain band was the engagement ring and the blingy one the wedding ring when he proposed. We chose my engagement ring together anyway but he was quite shocked when I set him straight.

I'm sure your DF would rather you were happy and if you explain as kindly as possible that it's just not what you had in mind I expect he'll be fine about you exchanging it for something you prefer. I had to do this with DH over another piece of jewellery (not a ring but something very meaningful) - and he was fine. Another friend of mine decided she didn't like the wedding ring she'd picked out ten days before her wedding, so had a word with her DH2B and changed it. They are still going strong 12 years and 3 DC's later!

As for unromantic proposals, my DH rolled off the sofa onto one knee and proposed to the dulcit sounds of the end credits of Eastenders. He followed this up by asking my Dad's permission in the middle of a conversation about a friend of mine who has just found out she was pregnant by her boyfriend of just a few weeks, with the immortal words "Well, Spiro isn't pregnant but I'd like to marry her anyway if that's alright with you?"

I don't think you did too badly on that front.

DH proposed in KFC by saying 'Let's get married'. I told him to take me somewhere nicer and try again. He did, but the KFC bit is what we tell people.

DH was also a student at the time so my engagement ring was £150. We've since replaced it with a very nice eternity ring and a watch for DH.

As pp have said, if you're not happy, you need to talk to him. If you're being all polite and quiet about something as important to you as your impending marriage then it would probably be a good idea to get some counselling.

Cripes OP, the moon on a stick, a princess, shallow?? None of that is the case and nothing wrong with knowing what your needs are. Ok, so some person got married with a ring made of potato...whatever. It's a massive deal embarking on a marriage together. If you don't take the chance now to ask for your needs to be met, you won't really know if you are setting yourself up for a life of disappointment. Be brave. Learn to do this. Write a letter if it's easier. Good luck x

I have a friend who really wanted her proposal to be perfect, so much so that when her DH to be did it wrong she had a huge hussy fit and cried on his shoulder telling him it was all wrong. He did it again, the right way (or her way) a month or so later and she was appeased. This pattern followed every important event of their lives, and when they did eventually get married ( just the way she wanted) it lasted all of two years. She is now a single mum and desperately unhappy.
I have another who didn't have much of a proposal, and who actually gave her DH to be the ring, which was a family ring, and not particularly what she'd have chosen. But they have one of the happiest marriages I have ever known.

My point is, that you feel now this is a huge thing, but once you have been married for 10 years with someone who is a good person and who will work with you at keeping things going, then you'll realise that actually it means very little, and that it is the type of man you are marrying, and not his ring or his proposal, that is important.

The only time anyone proposed to me I was about 20. We lived together. He gave me a ring made from cardboard.

It didn't matter because I knew he meant it. I was very happy with that.

We broke up a few months later - we were both very young, and not terribly happy - but we stayed close and I have never forgotten it.

It isn't about the price of the ring, or any of that - it's about knowing they mean it, and that they really want to be with you, and to me, the OP isn't describing a bloke who means it.

Put it another way: I was relieved my DH hadn't spent time/money picking out something that wasn't to my taste and was expecting that I'd want to choose something together - it may not seem romantic but it showed that he understood I knew my own mind.

I had an exP who always created a big fuss over presents - grumbling if I didn't show enough appreciation for his presents, and sulking when I failed to buy something for him that matched up to his standards. I felt I was always being judged and found wanting. And he always bought me thinks he thought I ought to like and tried to impose his taste on me.

That made me realise I was much happier with someone like DH who doesn't make a huge fuss over presents and is much less stressy about it all. He may not understand all things feminine, but he's getting there - he may not be 'into' flowers, but he's learned that I like getting them, so he buys them every so often. And I buy him beer...everyone's happy.

I don't think it's shallow to care about the manner of the proposal or the ring. These things are symbolic and the ring is something you're going to want to bequeath to your grandchildren.

When I first got together with dh he tended to follow his family's tradition of showing affection through insults. It was an important task to harmonise our ideas about this. I need reassurance more than he ever suspected. He thinks it should be obvious from his actions that he loves me. I feel better if he tells me now and again (he has learned -he's said 'I love you' a good four or five times in the last 16 years).

I also had to learn that if you want him to know how you feel, you have to tell him. So I'd say, let's keep this ring for sentimental reasons and I'll wear it every year on the anniversary of your proposal. But meanwhile let's go shopping for an heirloom .

maybe your DH is a bit like mine - i know he did not 'get' engagement rings at all. Totally mystified by the whole thing, poor sod.

He told me when we were talking marriage that they all look the same to him, and he wouldn't have a clue what to choose, nor does he understand the attraction of a diamond ring. This is not in any way derogatory towards him...he was just a bit baffled by it all.

we went and chose one together and he hid it and proposed when he thought it right (on hol) and it was lovely.

you do need to be honest with each other - he probably thinks that the wedding ring is more 'important' and does not understand teh significance of an engagement ring.

just be nice to him about it and i'm sure you'll be fine.

"Marriage time is princess time"
There.
In a nutshell.
We have All that is wrong with stupid vapid women who think that blowing £30k on one day will make them a princess.
Well, I have news for you my darlings.
It won't.
It will leave you obsessing over napkins, place name holders and bridesmaids shoes and other tragic shit that doesn't matter. I will cause family disputes and possibly rifts (you aren't inviting cousin Sharon who you haven't seen since you were 2? How could you, you monster!!)
It will very probably leave you in debt.
And by the end of the wedding day the real marriage begins, not the garnish put on for others.
It will certainly not be the best day of your life.
Sorry.
Whoever told you that was lying too.
The birth of your children? Maybe.
A huge promotion at work?
Winning the lottery?
Maybe.
I have been married for 13 years. Happily. I dont have an engagement ring. They are pointless and I am not some mans property. We wear wedding bands because it is symbolic of the church ceremony we both wanted.
I bet your hen night is going to be in Singapore or somewhere equally far flung and stupid isn't it?
Sigh....

...oh and dh proposed in the Lake District in the pissing rain, I was wearing a very unbecoming cagoule and was then savaged by a mad swan.
Did I mind?
No!!!
(Swans are bastards. They just are.)

I wanted my husband to propose to me, he thought it was outdated and stupid and thought just saying yeah, I'll be with you forever honey was fine. I wanted him to propose because I wanted to be his wife and because him officially asking for me would mean he wanted that too....
I didn't care about the ring but told him what types I didn't like and to just get some cheapo thing off ebay.
He designed the ring and it's so beautiful I still look at it lovingly, the day I got engaged was the best day of my life (more so than the wedding because it was a surprise, and I had no annoying guests etc) and it made me feel soooo happy that such a wonderful man wanted me as his wife.

My point is, I understand OP, your fiance didn't exactly set the world on fire with his proposal, it's a story you'll tell people for the rest of your lives and even getting a different ring would make you feel a bit bad and wouldn't be the ring he proposed with.

In a marriage you need to communicate! You could tell your fiance that you're delighted he wants to be your husband but maybe he could try again and be a bit more convincing?!
He doesn't need to hire out Buckingham palace like, but a ring thats more to your taste and more convincing words.

Skyblue - get the ring stones reset into a necklace - onwards and upwards!

OP - I agree that you need to be able to be honest with the man you intend to marry. There is nothing wrong with changing the ring.

Please don't fixate on this - it is a tiny part of your life and future. You'll look back and wonder why you spent weeks feeling shitty when it's supposed to be a happy time.

Just change the ring. Or get a fabulous wedding ring. I know loads of people who don't wear their engagement ring anymore because a solitaire can get in the way etc

I suppose it depends whether you want a loving, successful marriage or a fancy dream proposal. How was he meant to know what you had imagined? Too many Romcoms, I reckon. What is more important; the show or the reality?

OP, you're over thinking this.

My husband proposed with the UGLIEST ring you've ever seen. He'd gone to see my mum first out of coutesy / tradition, and she'd given him my (much loved) nan's ring. It was a lovely idea.

I'd never seen it before. I can only imagine that my nan hated it too! I told him that I loved him and wanted to marry him, but not with that ring. We laughed about it and we bought another ring.

Why don't you just ask to choose a new ring with him? Its fun!

Everything Badvoc said!!

I think you need to say to him, "Have you ever wished you could have a Rewind button, or an Undo button in your life?" When he looks confused, say, "Because I'd love to undo the moment when you proposed to me without putting any thought into it. I'd love to undo the moment you went into the shop with the intention of buying me a cheap engagement ring."

That's what you want, isn't it? I don't blame you.

I'd want someone who was enthusiastic about getting married, who thought he was incredibly lucky and who wanted to buy the best ring he could afford for the woman he was mad about.

If that's £100 that's fine, but if he'd regularly treat himself to more expensive gifts and deliberately bought you a cheap ring, I can see why you're unhappy.