Hurt at proposal and ring

[Ungratefulornot]

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

princess time? shoot me

Thanks lotsofcheese - you're right. I did have fixed ideas of how it would be, and I probably thought what I wanted was fairly typical and taken as a standard approach so didn't feel the need to spell it out - reasonably heart-felt wording and a half-decent ring..

I also think this is very odd. Firstly, who gives a shit about other people's engagement rings? I look at them out of politeness, if they are shoved in front of my nose, but most people don't show them, I can only think of one or two over the years. It's all so disneyfied, my friends have just tended to phone me and say 'I'm married' or send me an invite!

Secondly, if you were deeply deeply in love, I really don't think you'd care about the ring, or what others thought. I didn't even get an enagement ring as we married very shortly after deciding to get married. I just didn't care about rings, I just was so in love. I find all this getting bigger and better blingy rings so opposite to the spirit of marriage and sharing your entire life, I don't know where to start. Not that I'm against lovely blingy rings, but it just wouldn't be my first response on being proposed to, to worry about the social status inferred by my ring!

I can only imagine there's some wider issues, such as him not really listening to you, or a very fantasy version of marriage, that underlies this response. Plenty of people on here haven't had expensive diamond rings, and they all seem to have coped. I think this unfortunately does say either something about you as a couple, or the times we live in, and neither are very flattering, I'm afraid.

My DD got engaged 2 weeks ago
She and l used to chat about her dream proposal (plane trailing banner with proposal trailing behind).
In fact her DF asked her in the kitchen of the flat they are living in. She didn't care..........
She had previously spoken about the type of ring she would like and he obviously had listened and he chose a cracker for her. He even phoned my DH to ask permission.
So although she didn't get her dream proposal at the end of the day it didn't matter to her one bit. She loves him.

Some men just aren't into gestures and don't understand them. My DH blurted out a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, no bended knee nothing. He didn't even get round to telling his parents for 8 months. he certainly didn't approach my dad to ask for my hand in marriage or any such tradtional stuff. We went ring shopping when I said "Let's go ring shopping please" and we chose almost the cheapest there. When we got married, he was in a hired suit and had to be bullied by his best man to even buy himself a new shirt. He also didn't prepare a speech.

I'm not saying this in a competitve misery way :). I'm just saying some men aren't into grand gestures and don't see them as important.

Thanks again. I'm not really upset re the proposal wording anymore, he admits he said a couple of stupid things, but I know they just didn't come out right.. As for the ring - I am upset, no care seemed to go into it.. And I wasn't looking for a very expensive one, just one I hopeully loved.

I find it hard to believe that you're proposing (no pun intended) to spend the rest of your life with this man but you don't seem able to tell him that the ring he produced on holiday isn't to your taste and you would prefer one that you have chosen together - as suggested by another OP, with a champagne lunch to follow.

If you don't lay it on the line now, chances are you'll be wearing a brass number after the wedding as he may take the line that 'after all, it's the ceremony that important, not the ring'.

He may have thought it was lovely though! My dp has bought me some corkers for presents over the years where I have thought 'really?' but it never upset me. Maybe your expectations are too high. He probably thought he had done well to get a ring and propose at all

I know izzy I just don't want to hurt his feelings. But he knows anyway so better just to say it. I suppose I'm also reluctant as I want good memories of being proposed to with the ring, but a new one wouldn't be the one he picked or the proposal ring..

I do realise I'm going round in cirles here

Thanks again for all comments, it's given me lots to think about.

Yes noddy I think you're right.

What is the ring like?

OP, you are doing the thing that imo wrecks the most relationships - 'just expecting he will know what I want' and then not telling him what it is that you do want. This will go for many, many things in your lives together.

So just bloomin tell him - 'darling, I love you a lot, and I really appreciate that you wanted to suprise me with a ring, but for whatever reason I'd like a romantic proposal, and to choose a special ring together. What do you think'. Its the same principle as seething over the way the dishwasher is loaded, rather than telling him.

I haven't read the whole thread, I hope I haven't missed relevant information.
OP, did he know that the proposal and ring were important for you? I didn't get a proposal or an engagement ring (and we had a cheap, small wedding!), yet we love each other deeply and have a happy marriage.

You are creating a bad vibe between you and him over what should be a really happy and enjoyable event to look forward to, why do this? If you know he's very keen, very sincere, really wants to marry you, then why would you not accept his explanation (he got a nice but not expensive ring as he thought the main event was the wedding ring), why would you worry what others thought?

It can only be symbolically 'bad' if you think there's a hint that these things are not true, that he's not madly keen. Tolerance, and gratitude, and failing that, complete honesty go a long way in a relationship. I would really give yourself a tiny shake and see if you can't just see the bigger picture. If you really can't, be honest.

DH didn't 'propose' to me (thankfully, I probably would have laughed!), we just had a grown-up conversation and decided it was about time we got married, and a hug and a kiss. Never occurred to me that we'd do it any differently. If you wanted some formal occasion/ritual, you probably should have let him know.

If you don't like the ring, that's fair enough, jewellery is a personal thing. But he suggested you change it, and you said no! I'm not sure what more he can suggest or do really...

My DH proposed to me in a rather shambolic way on holiday - we'd been in a really romantic place earlier that day and he'd got nervous and backed out of doing it, so he ended up doing it in a rush as we were leaving the hotel to go to dinner.

He didn't pick out a ring as he knew I wanted something quite particular (I wanted an antique ring not a new one) so we picked it together. If he'd chosen one I didn't like I would not have hesitated to say so.

OP I have seen people with engagement rings that were more like eternity rings and I think they can look lovely - but I reckon if he's happy to swap it, you should pick one out that you like.

And as someone who doesn't really wear jewellery (I didn't have an engagement ring, and just bought myself a cheap titanium ring off the internet for the wedding ceremony), I would guess that from his point of view one ring is much like another. Engagement rings all look pretty much the same to me, not that I've ever paid much attention, so probably he wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between this ring and one you would choose!

If I were you, I would tell him you're delighted to be marrying him, you appreciate the thought behind him trying to choose you a nice ring and surprise you, but it's really not your style. And go and choose one that is more to your taste. He's already said he'd be OK with that.

mumsy I do know he's genuine and loves me a lot.
noddy - it's a band with a few tiny dull stones, looks more like a wedding or eternity ring.. I know, ungrateful bitch eh.
Thanks all, really appreciate words of wisdom..

As you don't like the ring, I think you need to tell him how you feel about it, and suggest that you both go out and pick a ring you do like.

He may well have thought that you would really like the ring he picked. You've said that he thinks that the wedding ring is the important one. You obviously don't agree with this, but you can't expect him to know how you feel unless you tell him.

FYI, DH picked out my engagement ring all by himself before he proposed. Luckily I liked it, but from subsequent conversations (about female friends who've picked their own engagement rings), it's clear that DH thinks the correct etiquette is for the man to select the (hopefully marvellous)engagement ring all by himself, and that anything else is utter madness. Your partner may have the same sort of idea about engagement rings.

Do you actually want the moon on a stick?

Be happy and get on with it

If the proposal and the ring matter so much it suggests to me that you are having doubts and need something to project it on

I like my engagement ring fine, and had some part in choosing it. But if I could choose it again now (10 years later) I would either not have one or if I did have something completely different (my taste has changed).

Despite liking it, I don't wear it that much (why would I do the vacuuming wearing a diamond??). My wedding ring is far, far more important to me and I never take it off. I sort of wish I didn't even have an engagement ring as now I find the concept weird (why should he buy me something fecking expensive to get me to marry him when I didn't get him anything?). My engagement ring is a nice bauble to wear when I go out, but it has nothing to do with my marriage or my relationship with DH.

But, if yours is so important to you OP, and if wearing it will make you unhappy, then just take a deep breath and say to your DF 'after thinking about it for a while I think I'd rather change this to something more my style. I love that you wanted to surprise me, but let's choose something together.' Or something like that. He might be offended, but will get over it (faster than you'll get over having to wear a ring you don't like, by the sounds of it). And you'll get some practice at how to talk about awkward and difficult things to your DP in a way that doesn't upset either of you. A pretty important part of marriage, which is ALL about knowing how to communicate with each other.

Good luck, congratulations, and enjoy this happy time.

"wants to wait until he can afford what he knows I like (vintage art deco), and what he thinks I am worth."

He thinks your worth an art deco ring?

How romantic... not!

I'm kind of hoping that your response to the ring is hiding some other deeper problem otherwise you really are coming across as very shallow.

"I just think some men don't see what the fuss of a romantic engagement is about. It's pretty incidental to the whole marriage thing in general. "

I agree. My husband never makes a fuss of me on Mothering Sunday or my birthday because he doesn't like a fuss being made of him. So he thinks no-one likes a fuss being made of. Other than that, we have been happily married for over 31 years.

Some men are just like that I'm afraid.

He really can't win if you don't like the ring you've got, but don't want a new one as "it won't be the one he proposed with"

I think you want the moon on a stick, tbh...