I'm concerned that I'm a "controlling" "redflag" husband HTF do I change? (long sorry)

[bongopants]

Preamble & Context Ok! short of everyone going she should leave you, you bastard... What do I have to do to change? I did go to see a therapist but he dobbed me in to social services and cause a load of grief at home cos I mentioned that I'd smacked my daughter once, left a bruise and I was freaked at what I done. We had three months of interviews, enquiries etc before they found there was no case to be found.

I've got anger issues, I'm quick tempered and can be quite obnoxious when I put my mind to it. I like things to be orderly and disciplined and I'm marginally obsessive compulsive. I had a really really shit upbringing crappy broken home, alky stepfather, cold violent mother, distant everything. To top all of that I have a sex compulsion too.

I'm pissed off with myself cos I feel that I'm fucking up my wife's life and my kids lives and I don't want to. I recently got some self help books but they seemed overly "Christian" and I'm a Jewish atheist.

The therapist I saw appeared to talk a lot of shit about "comming to terms", "understanding" and other such stuff. I don't want to come to terms I want a bloody fix for myself. I have considered drugs (prescription one of course but I won't rule out other sorts).

Even I annoy and irritate myself. Some of the things I've read on here about controlling, red-flag and paranoid make me think of myself. I have a deep inner worry that DW cheats on me, there's no evidence for it, we get jiggy together three or four times a week. I do mither about it but as she points out we do it more than most couple with two children under the age of 8.

I do get very narky when she doesn't answer the phone, which is stupid and its getting worse - I'm becoming way too needy at times.

Some other bits and pieces, three years ago I had a nervous breakdown and tried to top myself after psych services cleared me as no danger I've been feeling deeply fucked up inside and dunno what the hell to do.

Any helpful pointers on how to stop being a controlling knobhead, being needy, and/or a fucking dick whose gonna ruin his marriage and children would be greatly appreciated.

The therapist had no choice other than to report you to social services, they can't sit on that type of disclosure.
I would recommend having another go at therapy. What was the theoretical orientation of the therapist did you see?
If you think your problems originate in childhood, then psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy might be the type to go for. It is long-term and addresses the destructive patterns of relating that we have and that have their origins in our upbringing. We learn ways of behaving that might make sense in our very early years, but we have a tendency to repeat these unnecessarily later in life. The psychodynamic approach might help to unravel these issues for you.
Yes it's difficult finding the right therapist, but don't just accept the first you find. Have a look around. And depending on your ability to pay, some might offer a reduced fee.

There are loads of self help books out there. Many have been awarded 4-5 stars on Amazon by hundreds of readers so somebody is getting something out of them, so that is worth a try.

Get a punch bag, start running, play squash to let off steam.

You will have to deal with your feelings about your childhood. The sooner you start the better, start a journal.

BTW my DH witters when I don't answer the phone but it is partly because he has nothing of note to say, usually, and he has time on his hands so calls me.
If he had fun interesting things to say and sounded keen to hear about my day I would answer.

Drip drip drip...

Your second post reads very differently to your first because now your DW is equally at fault.

And whoever said we want to hate him and not see him rehabilitate is wrong, at least on my part. I just don't see why his wife and children have to suffer while he's doing it.

Like I said, I don't think a leopard changes his spots. And I don't think e deserves credit for acknowledging it because he doesn't seem to be doing much about it save slag off the big bad therapist who rightfully told SS he'd assaulted his child.

And the "only once" thing just curls my stomach.

No one, nowhere has given the op a pat on the back.
But anyone who opens up on this forum, realizing they have severe issues and not knowing what to do about it deserves help.

I think you should move out temporarily op, I'd say that to anyone admitting to the type of anger issues that you have. I think you have to concentrate on yourself at the moment, dealing with your past and making yourself a happier settled person. You cannot have a healthy relationship unless you deal with this.

I do not have any good advice about what type of therapy you need but I'm sure there is a world of information out there, you need to do some research, other people on here will be able to help with that also.

I have to say I disagree that the OP should move out if his wife does not want him to.

However- if he is feeling violent impulses he needs to get right away from his wife and child and let them out elsewhere.

How can you say "a leopard never changes it's spots"

What a ridiculous statement.

So anyone that needs help, we should just say "oh we'll you can't ever change, just leave your family, fuck off and be miserable"

Is that the advice we give to mothers that have SS involved over one incident? Just fuck off, no one can help you, you can't change. Just leave your family?

your 2nd post does you no favour bongopants, as it's just about everyone in the world's fault but yourself - the therapist was incompetent/overreacted, the kneejerk posts on this thread make you want to be obnoxious, your wife hassles you on the phone, people swear more on the Tube , Whilst whatever form the sex compulsion takes, you seem to see it as a harmless little quirk....

If you are serious about wanting to change, and find psych services better than the local private therapists, some clinical psychologists/psychiatrists see patients privately.

The social services thing, what disturbed me was a lack of discovery on the part of the therapist. The knee jerking into reporting and then the painful time with social services. My wife was livid at the man. My life was hellish during that period and for what no case to answer.

Of course they are not all fuckwits, I may have unintentionally implied that, the person from Psychiatric services who helped me through a breakdown, depression and suicide was sheer genius, the other one at a £1 per minute was a little less than what i was expecting so its coloured my current view.

Ah you see the thing is, if a child was being abused and it was not reported to the relevant authority after being disclosed, it could have very severe consequences. So it was quite right IMHO to report to SS and for them to investigate. If it turns out to be unfounded, then do be it. But I wouldn't want to take that chance, just in case, where innocent children are concerned.

Recognizing you're at fault is a good start. But the people telling you to move out of the family home are right. It's not fair to inflict your own pain on your wife and children, it's not their job to absorb your anger and suffer while you sort through your issues.
Start tomorrow. Examine your finances, work out what to do and how to fund a separate residence for yourself, then make arrangements to move house and seek professional help. Be honest with your wife, apologise for the misery you have caused her and your children and accept the possibility that she may decide not to maintain a couple-relationship with you.

It will be hard work to put yourself right but you have acknowledged that it needs doing, so you have a good chance of doing it. Good luck.

I think your supposed aggressive (slightly laddish) style of talking/posting that everyone is criticising smacks of bravado, and of someone being nervous, defensive and trying to mask vulnerability. I think you sound ok, actually - deep down. You can sound vulnerable if you like you know - it's ok. You seem very self-aware and very open to suggestion about how to become a better husband and father, and I salute you for that. Paranoia and neediness is incredibly hard to live with. It's debilitating. But I think you have potential to improve. Without a doubt, the key for you is counselling. Keep at it. Has your wife actually said that she is thinking of leaving?

Fact is, it wasnt your fault that your childhood was shitty.

But you are now an adult and you have free choice. Its not your wifes fault. Or the therapists.

Posting here is a start. Now you need to take the next steps. And see it through, so your kids can grow up and have good memories of their dad.

Good Luck!! :)

OP - i also think the 'leopard/spots' comment is ridiculous. Ignore it.

I have no professional advice for you, but would urge you to keep talking here and listen to the balanced advice being given out. There is so much info to be gained from allot of the posters here.

My advice re: the reporting to social services - please try to put it behind you now. You have your wife behind you on this one, and it's been dealt with, so let it go now and don't dwell on it. (difficult i know) Push forward - you have so much to gain.

Is your wife a mumsnetter?

Ehay about maybe some kind of relaxation hypnotherapy in conjunction with psychotherapy? I found it helped to organise my thoughts so I could actually speak properly to the therapist. A lot of the time I was rambling, obv not just on its own but hypno may help in addition to other methods.

What about, sorry

The reason I said a leopard doesn't change it's spots is because OP is displaying a lot of classic abuser signs and the apparent contrition is all par for the course.

IMHO if this was genuinely about wanting what's best for his wife and children he would have left and gotten help without inflicting himself on them.

How many threads have you read on here when the abused dw/dh comes back and says how sorry he/she is, how he/she feels terrible/didn't mean it/had a bad childhood/is stressed etc.

Have a read of them. Read the horror of abuse that people suffer NOT just physically but mentally and emotionally.

OP I hope you mean to change. I hope you get help for your issues. I'm sorry to read about your breakdown. And I'm truly sorry for what you suffered as a child. But doing the decent thing means allowing them the opportunity to have a life without this type of abuse.

When I attended the Freedom programme there was a very good description of 'decent' behaviour which might be worth a look. I think it's on their website.

Other people are more confident and experienced about giving advice on here so I'm a bit nervous about offering the following suggestion.

Obviously over the years you have learned some stuff you think is useful (could be anything, practical, at school, whatever). Can you work out what type of person or what way of learning things really works for you?

Take responsibility for your behaviour. Put the welfare of your dc and your dw (who is I assume, the main carer and well a human being) before your own.

The above sums up all I really wanted from my exp.

Not sure moving out to live alone is the best thing. I was depressed largely because i had hours and hours on my own to feel sorry for myself.

I don't actually agree with the leopards and spots saying. I was a real twat when I was younger, I had a lot of life lessons and comeuppances along the way and I am not now.

I think it's good that you have recognised your issues and currently have some insight, the trouble is many abusers cannot see their issues or do for about five minutes when it's pointed out to them but then revert back because changing yourself is not easy. Being an abuser often feels better because you tend to get your own way a lot because people are scared of you.

If you want to change I think you can but you have to really want it and understand that it will mean putting other people before you and not off loading your crap onto them in order to feel better.

You hit your child hard enough to bruise her.
And you are still making excuses and refusing to acknowledge that YOU are an abuser.
You have a long way to go.

And IS your wife an Mnetter?

I do actually sympathise with you OP

You have been damaged by your childhood and reacted like many people do to a lack of nurture and warmth, and then mix in the addition of (hinted at) neglect and abuse......and hey presto.

BUT you will need to face the reality of what this does to you, not mock the phrases "coming to terms with" and "understanding". What these phrases mean is that you need to understand what the impact of adult's behaviour in your childhood have had on you, and then come to terms with how they have affected your self-esteem, your view of the world (and probably women), your confidence, your belief system, your internal window on yourself ( e.g. is there always a "I'm not good enough, that is why things never work out?").........and I would say you obviously have not digested in any way what these 'shit' counsellors were trying to get over to you.

Your listening and empathy skills are probably severely lacking and these are things you can develop - they are skills. They would be a good start. Once you start to listen, you can start to actually understand what counsellors are trying to say to you - to communicate to you.

There is no easy fix for this. You have to actively seek out help from many sources. You will feel worse before you feel better - opening this Pandora's box will be painful and why I suspect you dismiss the counsellors as shit.

I agree with everyone else that your wife and child cannot and should not be around you while you do this. They are your adult problems and you need to own them, work at them, go through the horrendous pain that will be part of you changing, and they should not be party to that, be responsible for that or even witness to it.