The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Hi babes,
So much has happened on here since I last posted.
mouse glad to here the news on Nemo from his team in Manchester is mainly positive. It sounds as if you have a lovely weekend ahead. Enjoy
nono sorry you seem to have an awful lot to cope with at the moment. So sad about the school caretaker and do hope your friends DS is OK.
Koti great stuff you have well beaten my record and bl**dy well done on not caving in last night.
gugg well done on 6 days and glad I gave you a laugh re the control freak

joey hope you are feeling better today.
water well done you sound really positive.
Did I see a post from the much quoted miflaw I was beginning to think he was a mythical Greek God.
miflaw I do hope all is well with you and you are back to inspire us with your wisdom and knowledge.
I fell off the bus last night. Control freak was truly on the rampage as the pork chop I served up on his dinner plate was tough! This world catastrophe was obviously the fault of the slovenly, useless, fat and lazy cook (ME)

He told me that as I cooked it I had to eat it. As I eaten mine and am trying to diet (and yeah was a bit tough but not that bad) I refused. The upshot of this being control freak seeing red and me taking to my bed with a bottle of wine. Yes I DRANK THE LOT
It was a f**k it moment so I am back on the bus today Day 1 again oh hum!!

joey sorry Xposted, hope you recover quickly and well done on not giving in to the wine witch

rural oh dear he does sound like a complete twat. I'm not surprised you gave in and had some wine. I hope you are able to find an alternative way of switching off, does he also use your drinking against you? and can he not cook his tea himself?

PS. well done for sticking to the diet despite everything!

he sounds like more than a twat - he is an abuser. you need an exit plan rural

sorry for everyone's bad news days.

i am in the sidecar. don't know what has happened really. i've never relied on willpower, that never got me anywhere, i was fortunate that the desire to drink really did leave me bar the odd fleeting thought that i was easily able to dispel. lately i haven't been able to dispel it and i've wanted to drink. today i had a cider with lunch out with a friend and i've bought a few bottles for the evening.

i was just going to stay away but i feel the need to be honest and have it 'out there' that i'm drinking. it is traditionally a shitty time of year for me and this year is not feeling like an exception but that's no excuse. i don't know if it is self destruct or that i've ceased to believe it's necessary for me to not drink or....???

just going to try and stay mindful for now.

i suspect part of the problem, though it's a blessing really, is that i've not had a hideous alcoholic rock bottom. i used to say i'd had lots of different rock bottoms and just the luck to always get up again and carry on without serious consequences for anyone else or i moved or fortunately the rock bottom happened on another continent so i could fly away from it and pretend it never happened (that may be my superhero power ). lately everytime someone talks about a relapse in the meetings it has triggered me to want to go out and drink. it makes little sense. i really believed i'd accepted i was alcoholic but clearly i haven't

sorry epic me me me post.

saf sorry to hear you're feeling so shitty. You say this time of year always makes you feel worse - is it SAD? or is it a bad memory that always comes around and around...

joey yeah he uses my drinking against me even if Im not drinking iyswim.
He only drinks at all on rare occasions out never at home and then only 1 glass of wine or one pint of beer. He used to drink more and drink at home and I have seen him drunk but he has never had a drink problem. He can take it or leave it and has chosen to leave it Im happy with that its his life.
However now he only drinks outside the home (basically maximum of twice a year, his birthday and Christmas) I of course am not supposed to drink whatsoever.
I used to think if I could stop drinking, be a better housekeeper,better cook, be slimmer, have all his clothes washed ironed laid out ready whenever he needed them, keep the garden perfect, the car always washed and clean inside, earn more money, spend less money, etc etc. In short be his perfect woman then everything would be wonderful and we would live happily ever after.
Now realise that as much as he might have a good point about drinking, he will always find something wrong with me and not drinking has not improved our relationship.
Sorry this is a me me me post, having a particularly bad day
COOK IS OWN TEA, not if he can help it. He can't cook as such but he can put oven chips etc in the oven and grill himself a steak. He however sees cooking as womans work so does not do it unless forced. He has cooked his own tea tonight TEE HEE .
Used this unwelcome turn of events to seek me out and suggest I drink a couple of bottles of wine and drive off a cliff.
saf know you are right re abuser am making plans.
can't help you as 2 weeks AF is my record but really hope you can get back on track.

Evening, tis me Mouse

Quick post as Nemo has just lost his last feed all over the sofa

Saf - honest is the only way, I'm really proud of you (I hope that doesn't sound twatish ) for posting, we all know that you didn't have to. xx

Night all. xx

rural my heart goes out to you.keep making your plans. Have a bag of clothes packed and stashed somewhere,start photocopying documents which might be important and keep the copies with your bag.buy a cheap pay as you go phone,put some money on it,keep it with your stuff. Try and squirrel away whatever money you can, little bits add up.when you get the shopping,get cash back and lose the receipt. It won't show as cash back on your bank statement.get a spare door key cut.
Hug all of this knowledge to yourself when he is at his worst - it gives you strength.

ma Thanks for the kind words and advice. Didn't know about the cashback thing thanks
saf still can't help but am thinking about you, you are a strong, insightful and honest poster. You can get through this. ODAAT xx
I have got my feelings out on here tonight, it feels a safe place.
Thanks for the support.
Will now give others a chance before I kill the thread.
bye for now .

Hi all, not been on the bus in a few days, have now hit the 2 week mark of not having a drink!! Had a very bad wobble though tonight, nearly went to the corner shop to buy 2 cans, I dont know how I went down there & didnt buy them, just came back with some squirty cream, a lottery ticket & a phone top up(again) for youngest DD!
Rural glad to hear you are making plans!
I feel so much better when I check in with all of you, it reminds me that I am not alone, even though I don`t always post I feel for all of you & for myself, having to fight the fight with alcohol & not always winning
So, thank you for being there for me & being there for me in the future!!

How old are dcs rural? Pack stuff for them too if taking them with you is an option. Can you Keep a bag at work? Do you have a bolt hole lined up? Buy a family railcard - you might need to travel far and fast cheaply.find out now where the nearest women's refuge is in case you need to get there quickly.

I think I am worrying some babes on this thread.So one more post before bed

koti thanks for the advice, I do have somewhere to hide things away from here. Your kindness and caring is really appreciated.
Thank you for caring babes but don.t worry.
The things I have posted today about my relationship or lack of relationship . are not an escalation they are normality. I just felt safe to let it out and thats down to this thread and the lovely caring babes on the bus. I will be careful but I will not risk losing 10 yr old DS unless I really have no other choice.
By the way he is not here today as the same person who would keep my emergency bag has taken him to play with her children and he is having a sleepover. To DS thats all it is play and sleepover. This person knows not everything but enough and is always willing to invite DS over to play or call in to see me unannounced if I ask.
So don't worry babes I do have at least one person near me I can go to if really necessary.
goodnight brave babesxx

Right I am going to type this before I change my mind, and also before I read back too, so apologies if I'm typing into some big crisis.

I am not going to drink white wine during the month of October. There, I've promised, so I have to do it.

I realise that this will sound absurd and ridiculous to most of you, but for me it's the white that I'm waiting for, thinking about, drinking too much of, making excuses for, looking back and regretting.

I've been back and forth in my head for the last week or two, which I could expound at length about but I just can't be fucking arsed and you've all got enough to deal with without listening to my inner machinations.

I just wanted to state my intention here in this lovely bus because I know I've just been lurking lately, but it still feels like a safe place to be honest about what I feel.

Have read back now. Sorry Rural to hear that things are so shit for you at the mo.

rural best wishes to you, not been in your situation so I don't have any advice but I hope you have someone to turn to

golden go for it gal!

nat and others also staying away from the alcohol tonight, well done

rural - oh my love. I have felt ever since I met you on here that you had a deep and awful story. You alluded to a couple of things. This is why I think about you often when I think about the bus. Well done for making your stand in your way and for staying sane

ellie re. anxiety - someone on here, was it mouse? was talking about how we 'self-medicate' with alcohol. But alcohol has more, and longer-term side-effects than prescription drugs! If you didn't get on with seroxat, maybe you could look into alternatives?

Also counselling - I don't know if you already mentioned this - your GP should be able to refer you (CBT usually, and it works) Downsides are it may take time for a referral, and its sometimes hard to click with a stranger and feel safe in telling them about yourself. It took me 8 different therapists (some NHS and some private) before I finally found somebody who was right for me. Don't be afraid to keep asking for the help you deserve.

Finally, if you don't want to go down that route, I recommend Burns Feeling Good for practical and sensible ways of overcoming anxiety and depression.

kotinka I am quitting! Kids are more important to me than cider! The sugar cravings have finally subsided thank goodness It is tough isnt it?<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Blush" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/blush-Brh13p-7.png"> I think its tougher at the weekends.
aliasjoey thanks for the book suggestion, have ordered myself one that I will share with a friend & also have ordered the Panic Attacks book by the same author for my friend aswell!!

I am so proud this morning that I survived/got through that massive wobble last night

ruralreynard how are you feeling this morning? There has been some great advice & support on here for you, hope you are starting to feel more hopeful about things.

rural you have a brilliant sense of humour- keep using it to reduce the control freak down to size. Take care babe and keep that bag packed. Do you have any women's services near to you? Maybe contact online.

Just a quick check in to say all is well with me and am very grateful for the kindness and advice from the brave babes yesterday.

Control freak trying to do his own online VAT return at the mo.
As he has only just mastered turning it on, should be a fun evening
His work clothes for tomorrow are still on the floor of the laundry room where he threw them yesterday after realising I wasn,t going to pick them up off the bedroom floor as I usually do.
He doesn't do washing! so doesn't know how to use the washine machine, hope he's a very quick learner or dirty clothes for work tomorrow TEE HEE.
Will read back later as have to pick up DS from his sleepover.
Hope everyone is having a good day and not caving in to the wine witch if not drinking.
Day 2 for me but might be tempted later one minute at a time at present.

hello babes, have we all made it onto the Bustonight?

It sounds like it was a tough, wobbly weekend for several people! I'm still feeling washed-out after a dreadful bowelly episode... yes there is a voice in my head saying you're so brave, coping with such pain! you deserve a treat - maybe a little glass of wine, hmm...?

No. There's chocolate ice-cream in the freezer, if my gut feels up to it. Day 18 I think.