The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Hi Kotinka, don't be sorry for being blunt, think it's what I need and think deep down it's what I've been feeling tbh. My dh is desperate for us to have another but I already feel dread at the thought as our ds was and still is very, very demading and hard work. I feel that this could be having a big impact on my drinking as all the extra hormones and feeling trapped into a situation I'm not really 100% about.
Think I should go back on pill, start counselling and give myself 6 months to sort myself out. I really was flattered by the attention from the guy at the weekend and that in itself is telling me I'm probably not in the right frame of mind to be ttc

kotinka got in there before me, I was pretty much going to the say the same thing. I wonder if part of you thinks having a baby would be your way of proving you still love your DH. You do need to think of YOU first, until you are strong you cannot give yourself as a wife or mother.

Let me see if I got all this right. You suffered abuse when you were younger, which you still haven't come to terms with and - did I misread this? - you half-wonder if you were partly to blame.
You have a stressful job and home life, and 2 children. You have serious money worries about the mortgage.
You got so drunk last week you spent the night in a strange man's flat, although you don't think anything happened. You are lacking in self-esteem, and attention from a stranger gave you a boost and took away your worries for a while.

And you're thinking about TTC ? I think its time to step back and think of yourself for a change, not your DH not your kids, and certainly not a possible other child. You need a TON of love and support and help. And hugs. Its not all going to happen in one counselling session, it may take a while. I may also have misunderstood you, but it seems you take on a lot of responsbility for things which could be shared. You sound like an incredibly strong, brave person and I really wish I could help more.

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Saf - fantastic news!! Well done you and yep, you are so right. There's no way you'd have even got the job not sober. Actually, you wouldn't have stepped foot inside the interview room, or even apply..... so actually my sweets, YOU BLOODY WELL ROCK! xx

Clutter - Friday has to be day 1. I echo what Koti says, you need to get YOUR LIFE sorted before even thinking about bringing another life into this world....... start the rest of your life now, extend it on Friday. xx

BProud - lovely to see you as ever. 2 years huh? Who'd have thought it? You little star you! xx

The Jimmy Savile thing is hard hitting, it;s shocking and then again not and I have no idea why. I'm ashamed that I liked him, I was a fan, I loved watching him make dreams come true...... that makes me feel disgusting. I feel vile and awful about having once adored all that he stood for.... but I'm lucky, I never met him.

Today has been okay, swimming was fun! And then we went to Greggs and bought a sausage roll just because we could and shared it (Nemo sucking the pastry off) and me thinking oh well!

This afternoon I weighed myself and in the last few weeks, I've lost a stone just by stopping comfort eating, taking Fybogel as I should and drinking more water.

I feel physically better, lighter, in less pain because of the loss. It happened when I stopped hammering the wine too, I lost lots of weight and the pain diminished too.

This not drinking is pretty ace actually.

Time for PJ's and hot chocolate in time for New Tricks. Then bed. I have a very sore arm thanks to the flu jab, I shall milk it for all I can

Soma - if you're out there, please just pop in and say hi. Not seen you or I've missed you, for ages!

And to those who can for a short ride on the Bus, maybe pop back and say hello, just so we know how you are? We don't bite, well, Silver does, .

MIFLAW - hope you're okay my friend. I too thought that, about the as much as 600 meetings...... I thought how little that was in fact.

Anyway, waffling is not going to warm the milk is it? Shut up now Mouse.

Big big big congrats to our clever, wise and oh so loved Saf for kicking ass today. So what if between now and then you wobble? We're here for you, aren't we?

I know I am.... I'm sure others will be too. It's good to think aloud, run things by others, so do it..... xx

Crumbled, pretty much. Had planned break anyway, which had been fine, couple of small glasses of red wine on Friday. Unfortunately I then went into a trigger situation on Saturday (social occasion with acquaintances who I didn't know well at all and no close friend/hubby there) and I completely crumbled. Loads of people drinking oodles of white wine and I just followed the herd. I was about to type "I didn't plan, I don't know why", but actually I think I do know why I didn't plan, I think a tiny bit of me wanted it to happen, I just wanted to be normal and kick back and escape into the bottle. I don't even like the bloody stuff really, it has a horrible effect on my stomach.

And it also has a horrible effect on my brain. I think I got through the social event ok, I vaguely remember leaving, but once I got back home I had 'switched'. It's like clutter (I think) said about Jekyll and Hyde. I don't remember any of it but I know what I'm like. So I basically verbally attacked my DH, which is what I do once a year when I get like this. I've asked him if I'm abusive, and he says no, it's not coherent enough, it's just goading really, and he can see it's not 'me', iyswim. He was very kind

Sorry, have to go for a bit, will finish epic post shortly, and respond to others!

Previously I've attended hospital in a similar state, and they said I was having a psychotic episode, so I guess that's what it's like for him. Pretty scary I'd imagine, but he's calm in a crisis. Feel awful for inflicting it on him again though.

So anyway, once I'd sobered up a bit I tried to explain to him that I think I have an alcohol problem. He said he'd help me but he really doesn't see it though. I want to talk to him about it properly but he doesn't really engage with emotional chats. Guess that's the flip side of being trained to be utterly emotionally uninvolved.

I keep thinking about AA but I just don't have a way to get there/get childcare etc etc. Probably sounds like I'm making excuses, maybe I am I don't know.

Wondering whether I can do it with the bus and my DH (hopefully) supporting me and helping me to plan. Certainly I need a much longer break from alcohol than I realised, and probably a permanent break from white wine.

Meh. Pretty much hate myself right now. Wish I could get help but don't see how.

And btw saf, well done, fab news, and clutter, hugs. Don't know what to say but know how you're feeling.

On night 2 of no drinking, and it is hard. I have sort of cut down a bit sometimes, but this is the first real "quit" I have done since I started with this issue a year ago. I started because of my husbands affair. I couldnt sleep, found that a couple of glasses helped and helped me escape for a few hours and so it went on. Now, without wine, I cant sleep at all. will that get better? Please tell me it will.

I do actually have some wine in the house, but I havent touched it. I want to quit, in the last few months I have been starting at 7pm and going through til about 3am, taking in 2 bottles of wine on the way :( Before it was only (!) one bottle.

I dont want to go to AA, I have read their ethos and I know it wouldnt suit me. I am still reading the Allen Carr book but tbh, that is all a bit "happy clappy" and is getting on my nerves. It says to keep drinking at your current level until you finish but I cant function like that any longer.

Is it true that you drop weight when you stop drinking? I have never drunk enough in the past for me to notice when I stopped due to pg, but I need to lose 3 stone asap, so if stopping the wine will help then that will be a good motivator!

Have been in denial until recently I think. I thought I could stop whenever I wanted to so I didnt need to stop, iykwim. Of course the reason I didnt stop was because I knew that I was addicted.

I dont want to stop altogether, just get back to where I was before, were I could have a couple of glasses of a weekend and that be it. Do you think that is possible after a suitable "dry" period?

Reading your post EllieorO is so similar to my nights and it's usually my DH or more recently my teenage dd who have seen the worst side of me. I never really understand why I can be fine for hours and hours out drinking but as soon as I'm home I'm horrible to dh and dd, maybe cos I never really want to come home/stop drinking? I too have thought of going to AA but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go along. I so know how you must be feeling and it's not good, thank you for being kind and hugs back to you too.

The more I read your responses and the way you said it alias has really made me realise that I am definitely only ttc for my dh, I don't really want to tbh, still trying to come to grips with my toddler who has been demanding since day 1, DH has worked long hours since he was born so I do everything with him from the minute he wakes...or wakes thru night until I get him off to bed and the thought of starting all that again is actually terrifying. Luckily I now think I've not conceived over the last best part of a year and maybe that is a blessing.

Sounds like a lovely day mouse and your ds sounds very similar to mine with a greggs sausage except he just eats the sausage yuck And amazing on your weight loss, sounds like giving up booze is helping on many counts. Jammies and hot choc sounds good.
Night all ( )

If you want to feel drunk, go to todays Google homepage! Wow, very impressive but a bit trippy!

ShouldI and Ellie it is possible to stop drinking without attending AA or following set methods (eg Alan Carr), both of these have been lifelines to other Babes, but you CAN do it without if they don't suit you - they are not for me either.

2 years ago I was drinking about 2 bottles of wine every night, passing out on the sofa, being mean to my DH - he had almost given up on me - being hopeless with my DC, forgetting things they told me because I was drunk. I was losing it at work, feeling sick as a dog in the mornings, just about to lose everything really. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I came across the BBs by accident, was inspired by a couple of stories, entranced by the love and company of strangers and decided to just give it a go, just to give up drinking for a while. I didn't put a time limit or date on it, just each day I decided TODAY I won't have a drink.
I clung to the bus, devoured each piece of advice, obsessively and selfishly planned my non drinking. I ate a ton of chocolate every night, pounded the pavement, walking off the cravings, refused to attend events where I knew I wouldn't have enough will power to avoid drinking, rudely walked out of parties early, took my own drinks wherever I went socially, and checked in with the BBs daily.
I started telling people 'I am not drinking at the moment' telling people helped with my detirmination - how embarassing if I let myself down and they would find out.
Well one day passed and then another, days turned to weeks, weeks to months and now nearly 2 years have passed since I last had a drink touch wood, ODAAT.

My life has improved so much, nothing externally has changed, some things have got harder - job more stressful, I've had to wake up and soberly deal with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child (I had submerged those feelings with booze for more than 30 years) but I can cope with that stuff now because I like myself, I'm not ashamed of what I did or said when drunk, my family can trust me and know I am engaged with them and not a bottle.

It can be done, there is no magic fix, it has to be hard slog, get through the cravings, the lack of sleep, the 'why me?' feelings, one step, one day at a time, but each day you wake up with a clear head you feel a little inching up of the self worth thermometer and pride that you have made it through another day.

I could not have done it without the Brave Babes, the support, the tough love, the BB SAWT team, but I have so far, and so can you - give it a go.

OK as you were, sermon over

Hi ShouldI have you been on the bus before or is this your first visit?

It sounds like you've been drinking quite heavily for a while so it might be worth asking your gp about the best way to come off it.

We recommend plenty of sweet treats to keep up the sugar levels that your body has been used to getting through alcohol. (Don't worry about weight loss, that comes later). Also, a vitamin B supplement and lots of lovely non alcoholic drinks to keep up your fluid intake and also give you something else to sup on. Hot chocolate is popular at the moment and my newest discovery is licorice and peppermint tea.

Try to keep your hands and mind busy and change some of your regular habits that might trigger the urge to drink. Eat dinner earlier, don't let yourself get hungry. Take up knitting or painting or go out for a run or a swim.

You may find that you don't sleep too well for a few days yet but that's normal. If you stay off the booze, sleep will get better. Just concentrate on getting through one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Don't think any further than the next ten minutes. Go and find something else to do instead.

You can always come and chat with us here, it helps sometimes to while away the evening

each day you wake up with a clear head you feel a little inching up of the self worth thermometer and pride that you have made it through another day

Bproud I love that! It's so true. It's wonderful to wake up with that feeling instead of the pit of dread, queasy stomach, dry mouth, bad breath, thumping headache, irritable tiredness. It's great to wake refreshed and, well, like you say, proud

Hi everyone, can I jump on the bus. Wish I'd found you ages ago. similar story to a lot of you. Started off with a glass or two of wine to relax in the evening which gradually become 2 or 3... Got a lot worse after my H had an affair and left and I found out 2 weeks after I was pregnant. Did not drink during the pregnancy but after DD3 was born started again and over a 2 1/2 year period my drinking increased to 2 bottles of wine a night. About a year ago I could not deny even to myself any more that I was drinking too much. Tried to get help but didn't ant to stop at the same time. By March of this year was feeling so low and not coping. Asked x H to look after the 3 little DC and went to rehab. Apart from a few lapses have been af since then. The pauses between lapses are getting longer and when I have lapsed alcohol intake has got less. Now af free 7 weeks.
3 little DC still with their dad. They are happy and settled. Its so hard I miss them so much but feel so guilty for all the upset they have been through I don't know if it would be fair on them to disrupt them again. Sorry for epic post - you lot are such an inspiration.

I popped on and off a couple of times with NC's.

I never drink during the day, infact I cant. If I have one drink I am out for the count! I only drink after 7 pm, but its the tiredness the next day that is my killer, and the fact that i am doing myself alot of damage. I have been drinking regularly for a year, before that I was pg and before that I could take it or leave it.

I dont feel that I am suffering any physical effects, I just miss having a glass by my side. It doesnt help that I really do prefer the taste of wine to OJ or whatever, and alcohol free wine a) doesnt taste very nice and b) wont help me to break the habit of opening a bottle of wine in the evening.

If I didnt have wine, or was on my own with the kids or was driving for work then I didnt drink, and it didnt bother me, even in the last couple of months when my drinking has been at its heaviest. But if I can, then I do and then I dont stop until all the wine has gone. I always bought 2 bottles "just in case"

Got through tonight, taken a nytol to help me relax enough for sleep (hopefully, as an insomniac since childhood, sleep has always evaded me). I dont like chocolate or sweets, never have done so I dont really nibble apart from tomatoes (go figure!). I already knit and have 2 jumpers to finish for H's grandmas Xmas present so that should keep me busy!

Thank you

Onto day 3 :)

Morning, checking in, day 3 today and I will not be drinking.

bproud, thank you for your post last night, very motivating.

Ellie I am on day 3 too :)

i so agree with the inching up of self worth. also the inching up of peace and resilience and the ability to take life as it comes and not be on a roller coaster all the time.

the benefits are subtle initially and too easy to overlook when the mad voice starts up but they are The best benefits - the really important stuff that we're always looking for through fads and schemes that promise it to us whilst still downing alcohol and wondering why a bcomplex vitamin doesn't magically make us feel energised and stable

thanks for all the congratulations. the job really is an amazing opportunity, if i got back into career mode (can't remember it really) then it opens so many doors going forward and will be the most incredible thing to have on my cv. that's if i don't totally balls it up though as that's the flipside of the job being so huge a project with so much ownership over the results. still. we shall see.

one thing is for sure the odds are 100% more in my favour that i'll cope and do well if i am not drinking. i can't afford to lose the peace of mind, can't afford the depressive fog, can't afford the skin crawly anxiety or the self loathing that inevitably returns with drinking.

anyway today i will not drink and i hope lots of you will join me

I will gladly join you Saf

It sounds like you have a good idea of what to expect from this job - challenges and rewards. It must be daunting to think of but remember, you are only one person, there is only so much you can do in a day, so prioritise, be organised and don't let anyone derail you. All stuff you will do anyway, I'm sure, but just a little reminder that you are human, don't expect too much from yourself x

Also, Saf, what a fab reason to stay off the booze. You will meet new people who never knew the old you, you can start completely afresh. Sounds like a wonderful opportunity, I'm so happy for you.

ShouldI a good way to change those drinking habits is to try and work out what it is you really want before reaching for the bottle. HALT - are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Try to meet those emotional needs a different way.

I often feel hungry when I am actually thirsty so the first thing for me is a non alcoholic drink. After half an hour if I'm still hungry I will eat. But hunger used to be a big trigger for me, as it is with lots of us. That early evening, just before dinner is a dangerous time. Many of us used to cook with a glass on the go. So, eat first, give it half an hour or so after that and the craving will probably have gone away.

A final tip for now is that after my evening meal, I usually have a mug of peppermint tea. It sort of puts a 'fullstop' to the end of eating and drinking in the evening. It's good for my diet too x

I just went for a run

I blame you lot...

3ofeach - welcome to the bus. you sound like a strong and determined person.
I can't offer any sage advice as mostly I ride in the sidecar of shame rather than in the bus itself, but read bprouds post to see what can be achieved!
mouse will be along soon with the food trolley and your ticket.

Hi babes , just checking in,

saf congratulations, it sounds really exciting!

Hi new babes, this bus is a great place for support welcome

I'm not doing so well,a little down but today I won't be drinking. I keep reading posts and I'm still hanging on in the hope that one day i can quit entirely.
It's a beautiful Autumn day here, hope you all have a good day and sleep well tonight.

Well done ellieorO on going for your run, it is absolutely pouring with rain here so no run for me today. Have decided though that I am going to start swimming at night. DH is on nightshift and my ds goes to bed at 7pm do you guys think it would be reasonable to leave him with 13 yr old dd while I went for a swim? I actually feel so much better for realising I don't want to have another baby. So want to sort out my destructive relationship with booze, feeling the counsellor may need counselling after as there is lot's of complex stuff Also just want to feel happy again, and pretty sure putting another baby into a stressed out, not much money environment is not the way to do this. Love the advice support here and hope evryone is having a good day x

ShouldI

It's quite true that lots of people get dry without AA and no one here is going to force you to go.

Nevertheless, do you not find it a bit odd that you "know" all about an international organisation from reading its ethos? If you're anything like me i'll bet you never applied that logic to a new drink. "Oh, I've read that white wine is on the dry side so I know it wouldn't suit me." I was always very open-minded when it came to new drinking experiences ...

I would also be interested to hear what bit of the ethos wouldn't suit you. Many people wrongly assume that AA is religious and get turned off, so whenever I share in meetings I am at pains to point out that I am an agnostic atheist (I remain philosophically unsure of whether God exists but, in the mean time, I will assume He doesn't) and that AA works for me.

A lot of people also say, "Oh, I couldn't be doing with sharing, telling a bunch of strangers my business." They are often exactly the same people who tell strangers their business in pubs, wine bars and cocktail parties, whether the strangers have shown an interest in hearing it or not.

As I say, if you don't want to use AA, don't go - but do make sure that you are rejecting it for the right reasons and based on facts, rather than on hearsay.