The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Am so proud of myself - after last nights dinner-from-hell I considered getting some wine tonight for 'getting through it'. But have a bit of a cold, and decided to get pain au chocolats for breakfast instead.

There were no packets of poc left in Sainsburys - and for a few moments I really considered changing my mind and getting the wine instead. And then I went to the bakery and picked up some fresh poc... this would have been unthinkable a few months ago. Honestly, a little thing like that would have de-railed me.

I'm really hoping that this is becoming a long-term habit.

mouse your DD sounds really mature, she comes from a loving caring family, and that will help support her in any traumas...

kotinka yes. I would be single and child free and not have to be everything to everyone. There has to be more than this. For me,being a wife and mother is a tie, not an honour. There is more to me than the roles that I am defined by. I want to be just me.

kotinka thanks for the reply. you got it exactly right!
My dcs are older now and I am able to have a bit more independence from them, if not from DH - other issue! I work full time and it is my sanity. I prefer being there to being home if I am honest. I'm being a bit of a drama queen as my home life is a hell of a lot better than many people's, I know, but I feel like I want to close the chapter now on wife and mother and start a new one. Unfortunately although the DDs are older, a surprise pg resulted n DS who is onlyu 10 and still needs me in the mother role.I have been married for 25 years to a DH who is not a bad person, but very controlling and possessive due to huge insecurity and paranoia, so it gets a bit suffocating.
so I drink.
There - my life in a nutshell to start your Sunday.
Hope all other Babes are well? - Mouse, Indie, Thurso, Faire, SAF, Rural and all the ones I've offended by forgetting to name check.
And where, oh where, is silver

thanks ma i'm fine. had a good natter with one of ds's friends mums who i actually like (not much good at the school gate world me) at football practice and now home with a hot cuppa. family dinner later.

need to crack on and iron and sort my outfit for tomorrow - interview day! argh! trying not to stress as there's not much point. seems like it's going to be down to character really - you can prepare a bit for these group discussions by thinking of what sort of skills and approaches they want to see but realistically it comes down to your character and what they're looking for. if i make it through the group discussions round i'll have an interview after lunch and will be busy preparing for it during lunch having seen who they are and gotten a feel for the place etc.

ma it sounds trite but life is long isn't it. a huge chunk of it goes on this stage of child raising and role performing but it does come to an end. for some they feel totally lost when it comes to the end, for others it's a new lease of life and freedom to finally move on. thank goodness you have a career that you enjoy and take solace in. must be hard that it goes on longer than you expected due to ds being younger. even now (ds is 5) i'm aware that if i had a second child i'd be going backwards itms and starting all over again with something that actually i've moved on from. sometimes get very broody but practically, knowing me and how i operate it would be wrong - life has moved on and going back to the start of the child rearing phase would.... dunno - interrupt the stream or something and i'm sure i'd feel it, that interruption. i was 8 years younger than my sister and i'm sure my mum's heart wasn't in it and perhaps i can understand that a bit better now.

sorry - rambling! self indulgent sunday? maybe

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Ma - you've not offended me, not at all! I hardly remember to name-check anyone!

but I feel like I want to close the chapter now on wife and mother and start a new one. Unfortunately although the DDs are older, a surprise pg resulted n DS who is only 10 and still needs me in the mother role.I have been married for 25 years to a DH who is not a bad person, but very controlling and possessive due to huge insecurity and paranoia, so it gets a bit suffocating.
so I drink.

Your DD, the one with the voice like silk and steel, she keeps you driven in some respects. Yes, life at work is your release, and yes DS still needs you..... and will for some time.

DH is smothering you, he has for a number of years, certainly since we first met here.... my first posts to you were to run for the hills! That was before I got to know you, understand the woman that you are.

Ma - to stay, to be where you are with your life day in, day out takes bravery. It takes strength, it takes a certain decorum, it takes a mask made of solid steel so that it can never be penetrated. You have to hold yourself in a certain way, smile a certain smile, nod in all the right places, time your reactions.... hold your tongue. Hold your tears in, hold your temper when all you want to do is get your car keys and leave.

Your life is no life compared to what you want, what you crave. Your line "So I drink" sums up so much for me. I admire you. Fo being honest, for being YOU.

You are in an emotionally blackmailing relationship, you have a DH who as you say isn't a "bad man" as such, but he does you no good either. He controls every part of you. Stupid as that sounds, he does. All of the little things, the day to day stuff.

I wish that I could fast forward your life for you to where you want to be. One day though Ma, One Day, you will be the person you want to be, on your terms, in your world.

Scary - thank you for this - One thing I wish you could do is keep up the gym membership. You used to write about going to the steam room and just having some down time. I think it did you the world of good and might be worth getting back if at all possible.

So do I but for £600+ a year, they can bugger off quite frankly. The local leisure centre which is brand new, are about to get another £1 million invested into the facilities so hopefully, they'll consider a similar thing?

There are other places that I can go to use a sauna etc, I just have to pay as I go, which is fine. I need to keep the exercises up as much as I can, yesterday when we (DD and I) were walking around town, it nearly killed me.

I just need to strengthen my core and keep it strong.

Saf - GOOD LUCK! I really hope that tomorrow goes well for you, sounds like a pretty full on day if you get through to the afternoon, which I'm sure you will . xx

Shit. Did a long post to mouse and kotinka and MN went down and lost it. Insightful posts from you both and spot on. I have started making plans and it keeps me sane. As do you guys.

saf good luck for tomorrow!

ma you sound tired of... everything. It does feel sometimes as though we slog through another day of same old [insert your daily routine here; in my case, argue with DD, argue with DH, feel too tired to walk the dog, feel guilty about not walking the dog, argue with DD, traipse round Sainsburys, cook and eat boring tea, argue with DD, try and mediate between DH and DD] and it seems so pointless.

Are you religious? I'm not, and sometimes I wish I was. People who have a faith must have that extra reason to exist? I'm ripe to be sucked into some wacky cult...

There must be more to life... There must be something worth living for... something worth trying for... Even something worth dying for...

Ma - you've had my thoughts on your 'situation' before...... I will be here for you now and also then, when the time comes.

You will be loved, you will be happy and you will have the things in life that you want, ON YOUR TERMS.

Keep planning, keep posting and keep telling us how it really is for you, that's the only way that we can truly help you xx

Koti - so, how are things with you? I've been a bit ranty and hit and miss on who's been posting what lately, how's life lovely?

Nemo is watching Mary Poppins, DD is home and I'm scared to death that she's going to harm herself as the Bitches Of Schoolsville are on top of her big time tonight via BBM, FB and the like. I have told her to turn it all off and just go to bed. She had a late night at her best friend's last night.

I fear for her going through the same as I did when I was her age and at school, fighting the bullies, just because I was taller, spoke slightly differently from them, looked like me and not them.......

I'm going to the docs first thing to chat about my two week med review (basically I'm on morphine slow release, oramorph which is liquid morphine and diazepam for the back spasms) so he just wants to make sure I am happy

Right, I better go and save the dishwasher from DH, he's growling at it!!

Be Brave Babes - keep fighting and telling the Wine Witch that life is too short to waste it looking at the wine glasses that need to be washed each morning..............

Night all xxxx

Joey - hmm, the meaning of life do you mean? For me it's Nemo, DH, and DD. Cheesy as that may be to some...... they are my reason for being.

As hard as it is for me to make all of them happy all of the time or at least to try to, they are my meaning of life. They are my reason for being here. Now. Tonight and I guess until they don't need me anymore.

How are things with you Joey? Hope you're okay?

I'm off to cook sticky toffee pud.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee xx

Koti - you will remember it eventually, you will, I promise. It will suddenly hit your head, smack and a whack all in one hit and you'll think "why the actual fuck am I drinking this shit?" Because it will stop tasting nice. It will stop tasting right. The glow will disappear, the desire to finish the bottle to test yourself will go........ it will.

Give yourself more reasons, more time, more faith girl! Believe that you can get through a night without a drink and you will. xx

Checking in, post tomorrow
Good luck all babes not drinking today.

koti just read your last post, spot on, just the same for me. Lets beat that wine witch!!!

mouse not too bad, except with my mediation and diplomacy skills at preventing all-out war between husband and daugter I should be working for the UN

Last night I decided to sort out All The Paperwork ( the cupboard in the spare room where we stuff every bit of paper that might be important) It took about 2 hours, and I did it knowing that there was no wine as a 'reward', and it just had to be done.

Another hour finishing it tonight... decided to start a House Procedures Manual (no, DH, I do not understand how to work the Tivo - bloody well write it down) and it has all accounts, passwords, useful numbers, instructions etc) and again - all done without any wine in sight. It feels like I've achieved something just for the sake of it. That life has to be lived without alcohol.

Maybe one day I will go back to drinking, but it should be in addition to making the most of life, not an incentive. God that sounds smug, I hope I don't get an embarrassing downfall...

Lately I've been picturing her as a naughty toddler who just keeps whining...

Maybe one day I will go back to drinking, but it should be in addition to making the most of life, not an incentive

Joey I found that, after changing my drinking habits, I could never go back to drinking like I did before. I am too aware of how much, how often, the reasons why I drink when I do.

This bus has permanently altered my thought processing and that's quite powerful stuff. I used to drink mindlessly and regret it the next day. Now I drink mindfully and am aware of taste, emotions, the affects of the alcohol on my body and mind.

The biggest difference is how little I drink now and how little I want to. I would rather stop before I get drunk because, for me, being drunk means a horrendous hangover. I don't drink to get drunk anymore.

You may find that you don't actually like drinking as much as you thought you did. That at the time it seemed like it was helping but once the 'alcoholic mist' clears you can see it for what it really is - a bit fat lie.

Ma I have been wondering about Silver too, and also Venus - are you guys ok?

Good luck for tomorrow Saf. I am a firm believer in things happening (or not happening) for a reason. If it's meant to be, it will be right for you and if it's not right for you, you don't want it anyway. Hope that makes some sense