The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Hello lovlies,

I'm really struggling to find time to post but I read every day and think about you all. Reading the bus is one of my lifelines.

I'm trying to super Nanny my inner toddler, though she turns out to be bloody stubborn. I am trying to make the decision in the morning, and to stick with it,so no booze yesterday and no booze today.

This time last year I drank every evening, ditto the previous x number of years. I still have a long way to go but thanks to the bus I'm drinking less.

Don't intend to be selfish- just very short of time. So well done to everyone who stayed sober last night and hope we all manage the same tonight

Well done Guggenheim - the best piece of advice i ever had was "get pissed tomorrow". Decide for today you won't drink; stick to your decision; and if you find yourself wavering, think, "I'll just get through till bedtime and if tomorrow's as shit as this, I'll drink then."

Then you sleep; the morning comes; and you have the chance to make the same decision all over again. Get pissed tomorrow by all means; but not today.

celts definitely outnumber everyone else. some meetings are about 50% glaswegian here and i'm in middle england

Alcoholism AKA "The Irish virus"

To give a further indication of availability/choice of meetings, I got sober in the Canterbury area. Canterbury is technically a city but it's tiny, it's a city in the same sense that Chester or Cambridge are cities.

Canterbury has three or four meetings a week, and a few other small towns nearby have one each. With a car, bus pass or railcard you could easily do a meeting every single night if you wanted to.

So even in quite small places, all is not lost if you don't like the first meeting you go to.

600 meetings a week in London! That just shows the scale of the problem eh?

D-Day here! Off to the in-laws in a coupe of hours, and I'm feeling very anxious about it. What if they've got a special bottle of wine in for DHs birthday?

Shoot perhaps I ought to hare off to Sainsburys and get some raspberry and lemonade

Thanks Bus - even just coming on here to write that triggered a Plan Ahead Plan. Back shortly.

Back again LOL

First, thank heaven for this Bus otherwise it probably wouldn't have occurred to me to go and buy alcohol-free alternatives (I got Elderflower and Raspberry & Lemonade, special offer)

Secondly, as I was dashing round Sainsburys with bemused-child-in-tow it made me think of all those times I used to suddenly make a panic-trip to buy wine because I needed it. Oh, different times. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Am feeling slightly hysterical now. One and a half hours.

koti I can drink a little, but I don't know if you'd call it 'successfully'. I would only buy my maximum at a time (thus daily, time-consuming trips to supermarket) and feel very resentful when I'd finished. Not exactly enjoyable.

kot feeding the addiction is the one sure way to make it stronger.

If you want to drink then do it. You're an adult, you make your own decisions. But you also face the consequences. How will you feel tomorrow? Proud of yourself, happy, healthy, in control, well rested? Not likely really if you drink.

You had reasons for wanting to not drink. Re-visit them. What were they, do they still exist?

And, like MIFLAW says, remember, you can always drink tomorrow if you still feel like it then. Just don't drink today.

Tired and sick of looking at funding websites for dd2.

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Ma - I wish with all of my heart that I had a Magic Wand. More than anything else, right now, I want to help you and fix this funding issue. Could the local paper get involved? Local clubs supporting young talent? Anything? Anyone?

I guess you've tried every road...... I'm so sorry. xx

Today has been mad. Nemo was an absolute nightmare at preschool.... I wanted to come home and get wasted, the first time in a looooooooong time, I wanted to get Off. My. Face and shut the fucking door. I wanted to get that gin and drink and drink and drink.....

I have no idea what stopped me. I didn't have to drive anywhere, go anywhere else, DH was on his way home and would be back by 6pm. I could just start and keep going, tell him to take over when he got through the door.

I opened the cupboard door, took out the gin and poured it all away. What the actual fuck did I think I was doing? Seriously? Well, I was doing my 'default setting' Mouse. FFS. All this hard work and I was within an inch of fucking it all up.

I'm not showing off, I'm not bragging that I managed to pour it all away but I could have thrown the bottle into the sink, smashing it, kicked the shit out of something at the bottom of the garden.... I was livid and confused and tired, crying. Suddenly I felt the tears come and once they did I just couldn't stop.

It was a huge release. Just to cry, let it out, wipe the tears of the day away.

I'm just so fucking tired and it felt amazing to let it out.

Sorry to jump in and take over but I wanted to say that actually, I'm still the same Mouse I was 2+years ago... I guess it's been building. I'm just so fucking cross with myself.

Nemo is now tucked up in my/our bed, fast asleep, his tiny face all soft and gentle, snuggling his favourite toys, waiting for me to nurse him through the night.

DH is still ill, no doubt some form of the plague this time so he's in Nemo's bed still

DD is having a really shite time at school with the Bitches Of Schoolsville. God girls are fucking vile. I really struggle to stop myself from getting in the car, dragging said gang of girls into one place and telling them that in the future, they are going to have more shit on their plates than they'll ever know what to do with, without friends so FFS, pack it in, and start being civil to the people around you who are just trying to get through each day of hormental fucking torture, boys, girls and everything else teenage life has to throw at them......

And then there's me. Now. At 21:05 hours, PJs on, hot chocolate in hand, about to watch tv and then take myself off to bed, now that I've managed to get rid of the smell of the gin using bleach!

Anyway, sorry, again for just barging in.

AA sounds perfect for those of you who are going. IsinDe - well done for going today, I think I read that? Big hugs to you sweets xxx

Night night lovely Brave Babes - tomorrow I'm taking DD shopping, and hoping that she is okay. xx

PS - I've not read back so sorry for typos and/or anything I've missed.

Mouse - sorry you have had such a terrible day, sounds like you have been amazing and why be cross with yourself everyone is allowed to cry and lose it once in a while, you are all cosy and sober and ready to snuggle your little one to sleep, don't be cross be proud, you nearly fucked up but you didn't :) sweet dreams xx

Morning all. Slinking back on the bus, I will not drink today! X

Mouse I'm so sorry about your DDs situation, I was bullied between 11 and 13 at school when all the girls turned against me. It was so painful, it didn't go on forever and two of the bullies are now my best friends. Girls are so hard on each other, I really feel for you must be so hard to see your dd go through this. Only advice woulkd be to constant remind her of her own worth and how wonderfuk she is xx I am still very close to three girls from school have been there for each other and always will be, the amount of fallouts we had at school over boys etc - I wish we'd known then what was important - would barely remember those boys names now but we will have each other for ever.

mouse not sure why you're cross with yourself as you were so strong and did not give in to the gin?

all these tales of girls being bitches is a bit freaky, DD is 10 and has been outside the clique of cool girls for several years; she is unlikely ever to be in the 'top gang' and I dread if she becomes a victim of serious bullying at secondary school...

I forgot to say BOING!

Seriously, alcohol is becoming so much less important that I forgot to mention it in my post?!!

Survived an evening with the in-laws, the only adult not drinking. And really am glad I didn't drink because during a daily mail induced rant discussion about Jimmy Savile, when my MIL said she thought 'Some women asked for it' - if I'd been drunk I would surely have said some thing very rude in reply. Which would have upset her, which would have upset everyone else (including me) As it was I just walked out of the room...

Well done joey. My dd was never in with 'the populars' as they are now called. (It was 'the in crowd' when I was at school ). She had a few friends during the first couple of years at secondary but was very quiet.

Now though, she has loads of friends who have the same sorts of interests as her - clever, a bit geeky and sensible, but funny and interesting. They all come into their own in the end.

Mouse my advice to your dd would be to keep her head down, get on with her studies and set up a great future for herself. Easier said than done I know.

Now < looks sternly at Mouse > you need to give yourself some credit young lady. What you did is nothing short of a miracle. You were at your absolute worst, after weeks of pain and struggling, holding it all together for everyone else, and you still managed to pour that drink down the sink!!

You are not the same Mouse, you are stronger and more determined than I've ever seen you. Something is different, it's coming through in your posts. Maybe you've realised you had even deeper reserves than you thought? But what you did was bloody marvellous Mouse you should hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. Perhaps the anger helped? I don't know, but some part of you was just as angry at the booze as everything else that is so hard and unfair in your life right now. And you have every right to be angry.

One thing I wish you could do is keep up the gym membership. You used to write about going to the steam room and just having some down time. I think it did you the world of good and might be worth getting back if at all possible.

Anyway, much love, hugs and admiration for you my fine furry friend x x x

hi all
feeling a bit - i dunno. melancholic and heavy with regrets. Can't really explain....
started on the christmas cake tonight - fruit steeping in lemon and orange zest and brandy, with cinammon and mixed spice and is smells so damn Christmassy and it made me feel... how many times hve I done this? How did I get to be so old and unfulfilled? another year over and it all just rolls on, year on year, for what purpose?
sorry, I'm actually sober, just talking shite
ignore me

Ma as you stir, make your wishes and resolutions and work on your plan to make at least some of them come true. X

Evening, tis me, Mouse

I had a long chat with DD today about said Bitches Of Schoolville.... she has seen the light for now.....

Thank you all for the lovely kind words, I had to be cross otherwise I'd have been fucked off my face.

I can still smell the gin, I've bleached the sink so many times, DH said it's a mental thing and he's right. Bugger

Anyway, DD is at her BF's house having a sleep over (best friend) and Nemo is asleep. I have just cooked steak with herby potatoes, and there is a melt in the middle chocolate pudding with my name on waiting to be eaten. We're about to watch a DVD and then hopefully go to bed together, in the same bed!!!

Cross your fingers for me please Babes, I miss me, the real me, the me that met DH.....

Keep going those who are clock watching, smack that wine witch in the face and tell her from me to fuck the fuck off, and when she gets there, buy a one way ticket to Fuckoffsville.

BE BRAVE!!!

Night all xxxxx

PS - thank you, I really mean it, for all of the lovely things you guys said. The support keeps me here and keeps me sober. I need this thread, the input and the ability to just lay it all out, just the way it is. xx