The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Turning Over Autumn Leaves In Search For Our Own Personal Sobriety

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm mouse and my best friend used to be vodka. We were inseparable at the time, such fun! Wild nights out, wild nights in..... danger, excitement, strangers, not knowing where I was when I woke up, oh it was all so fantastic.....

Not the case for the last couple of years or so, since I found this Bus.

Now, we are practically strangers. Don't get me wrong, I still abuse alcohol and use it to self-medicate which completely defeats all of the work I've put in, trying to see my life through sober eyes but that's just how I do things......

Anyway, that's enough about me so why not come say hello to the others on the Bus, we're all at different stages of drinking, not drinking or complete abstinence (of the drinking kind!)

No-one on the Bus wears judgy pants, nylon bloomers, leopard skin thongs? Maybe...... I wouldn't like to ask to be honest! But we are all here for the very same reason, we can't (or don't want to) control our drinking like 'normal' people do.

If you'd like to see how this all started, why not have a look HERE and read about one of the most inspirational ladies you'll ever 'know'.

You can also follow the threads, one by one, by clicking on the links on each thread towards the end, leading to the next etc......

See you soon x

Time I drink at a similar level now to you by the sounds of it (with the occasional major binge :( ) I don't suffer any withdrawal, just maybe a bit of difficulty getting to sleep and restless legs. I don't see this as a sign I don't have a problem for me no matter how much or little I am drinking if I decide not to drink then do it anyway, then hate myself for it clearly I don't have a handle on things. Well done for your 3 nights xx

NoNo

When I stppoed drinking I used to find it hard to go out before 11 because it felt like there was a magnet in every pub I passed, drawing me in.

Last night, I spent all night in a pub (I was there for a reason, comedy gig) and had no need to drink.

Did the change happen overnight? No.

Did it happen? Yes.

Little by little the effort will become routine and the routine will become habit - but, for now, try to remember that the effort is better than the consequences of NOT making the effort.

One day at a time.

Afternoon, tis me mouse

Hello to everyone

After a mad busy day caring for Nemo at preschool, stuck indoors with 20+ under 5's, has knackered me out so I took Nemo straight for a bath, PJs on, and he is now being parented by Big Barn Farm so that I can catch up with my e-mails etc. A large G&T, in a tall glass, crushed ice, lime and a straw would go down a treat right now.

The reality is, I've had a hot chocolate and a snuggle with the little tired chap. He smells so nice and yummy, Johnson's has such an adorable scent to it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that if I wanted to, I could have that gin, I have it in the cupboard, the thought of having one at 2.55pm was all I could see in the front of my head. Go home and 'reward' my day with a long, strong G&T.

But it wouldn't be the one today. today I know I'd put a rather large dent into that bottle so it's best left alone!

DH is still ill, coughing and spluttering, Nemo's reflux is back due to his own little cold, DD's classmate has been hit by a car in a tournament abroad so she's understandably very upset, plus DH is fuming because he has no internet nor server access in the office and well, I'm just getting on with what needs doing.

The urge for the G&T has gone, for now. No matter what kind of day you've had, if you want to drink tonight, think twice, think thrice even.... chances are, it'll just make everything much, much worse. Do something else, drink something else...... reward your shit day with a good night's sleep, without the unsettled sleep, weird dreams. Just give yourself the night off from worrying about drinking. Don't do it in the first place.

MIFLAW - great to see you back.

Saf - hope you're okay. xx

Right, my mummy time is over..... bye Brave Babes, be back later if I'm awake or tomorrow if not

Mouse xx.

i am ok, thank you. well done on ignoring the gin hope dds friend is ok and dd isn't too freaked out.

all ok here. very lazy and nice day. now curled up on sofa with ds and dogs after a good bit of sausage and mash stodge. can't believe it's only 5.30 - feels like at least 7.

wishing i had treacle tart and cream. or christmas pudding! think i'm getting my winter groove on finally

Okay babes have just stepped away from the fridge (cold bottle of wine) can see myself getting off this bus next stop! - what's this drill of which you speak? Xx

Green - hey, just stop. Stop and think about why you want to open the wine. What will you gain? What's happened to make you want it? Need it?

Do all that mental torture stuff and then go brush your teeth. Now. Twice at least. Get your PJs on, get into bed assuming that you can (No DCs to deal with) and IGNORE the wine.

Here's my take on it - drink the wine, I'm assuming a whole bottle here, and feel like shite. Mentally and physically.

Don't drink the wine, go to bed, read a book, sleep well, wake up and come on here in the morning and tell us that YOU NAILED IT!!

Either way, the support is here...........

You can do it, you can not drink the wine.

You just have to want to not drink it sweetheart.

The choice is yours. Please, don't do it, you will regret it. x

Thank you, I am in tears I cannot believe the kindness of strangers x

green I have asked my DH to hide wine from me somewhere, or put it in his car. I also would have trouble if that wine stayed in the fridge!

Greeny - 'the kindness of strangers' has saved my life more times than I could probably recount.

People who say that one little line.... something that 'clicks' inside of you the moment the words resound through you, roll around your mind, come back at 3am and make you think 'yeah, actually.........'

Your life is valuable. I said that to NoNo last night I think. Maybe not to you right now, this moment. But someone out there, in your life, out of your life will value you your life even after the shitest day you have ever had.

Keep going. Keep posting. Keep feeling how you do, keep getting those 'fuck it' moments and drinking the wine. You will you see until you have had enough. And you will, you'll have enough of drinking yourself to sleep. Drinking yourself through a day/night because of x,y and z.

If you have to ask for help, for a reason not to drink the wine in your fridge then everything else will follow. I know that doesn't really make sense.

What I'm trying to say is if that if you can take you day, plan it away from alcohol, and take each day as a new day, a fresh day, a new beginning, and take it One Day At A Time, you will stop drinking the way that you are know because it's obvious that you are not happy drinking bottles of wine a time like now.

Even a glass is enough to start the ball rolling. One glass, two glasses, three glasses, four, five glasses, six glasses, seven glasses - floor.

We all have a justification to drink. An excuse, good day/bad day, argument, celebration...... and it knows that does our little mate booze.

It smothers your emotions and softens the blow. Until the next time.

You are worth more than that, we all are. xx

One glass, two glasses, three glasses, four, five glasses, six glasses, seven glasses - floor

I like that Mouse. A good mantra to repeat when that little voice starts up.

oh I love that mantra mouse

am begining to think the routine of not drinking, or rather not buying alcohol is becoming a habit.

I was mulling over if/when I start drinking again that I HAVE to stick to my personal limit which is 500ml of wine (which is about 3/4 of an ordinary bottle, or 2 small bottles). And the wine witch said 'what if you can only find normal bottles?'

And almost immediately I thought of scaryfairys analogy about the toddler and the knives! (the kid wants to cut up her own food, you can only find the sharpest steak knives - do you let her? Heck no. Same with the wine, its the small bottles or GO WITHOUT) Of course the wine witch/toddler kept on arguing with me, so I had to go and make her sit on the naughty step.

maybe a routine, but tomorrow will test it - going to in-laws for DHs birthday.

And I plan not to have anything, because this situation is one of my 'worst' but am really nervous about it. As its DHs birthday he will probably drink, so I'll be on my own. (apart from the babes in my head)

thank you Mouse and babes I am now tucked up after icecream and hot bath, though I am feeling slightly fraudulent as that's not how it would have played out it would have been 2/3 of a bottle tops. I used to drink as you described for several years then I learnt or rather had imposed on me some regulation at least. My constitution failed me and health problems meant I finally had to rein it in. Now I drink to the maximum my constitution can stand which is two or three glasses a night with the odd (becoming more frequent) binge but it is every night :( and I don't like that I need it in that way.

I have also had a couple of binges in the last year (last on Saturday) where I've not actually remembered things, been dreadful and glimpsed back to an old life I don't want to revisit.

Mouse you are keeping me going, ,love your analogy! I was right I fell at day 4, although not spectacularly. What can I do to get some self esteem? My borough has stopped counselling unless you are suicidal, but even when I've been I've been too scared to say!

I really want some help but where apart from AA?

Theobscure, I can't offer any advice. Why too scared to say? Fear of recriminations or just facing that terrible thought I'm sure it would take things to the next level as far as services are concerned, I was messed about for years with inadequate/ non existent local mental health services, after suicidal thoughts were mentioned I was refeerred to a top psyche for CBT still had to wait some months though, can you talk to your GP? - I'm guessing you've already been down this route?

Obscure that's really shortsighted isn't it? If there was help available earlier people might not become suicidal in the first place. And to put people in a situation where they are too scared to ask for help (understandably under those conditions) is just ridiculous!

But none of that helps you. So, what can you do? Any particular reason why you don't think AA will be useful? You've got us and if you just keep posting there will always be help and advice here on the bus

Others have tried the Alan Carr book and other self help books. Maybe they will be along with suggestions as I can't remember off the top of my head I'm afraid! Meditation and mindfullness is often a good technique.

One day at a time is the only thing that really works for me. I just concentrate on getting through the moment and thankfully those moments are now becoming few and far between.

Stick around, there will be more suggestions from others I'm sure.

green-eyed, Scarynuff thank you for your kind words, I can't say the real truth because my children would be referred to SS and they are NOT in danger. I would love counselling, I have chronically low self esteem although nobody would ever guess. My borough has a no counselling, no plastic surgery enforcement at the moment, so not much I can do.

Have hung out outside my local AA meeting but didn't see one female go in so I chickened.

Onwards and upwards, today I am not drinking.

X

Obscure if you ring AA they can put you in touch with someone who will meet you outside and go into the meeting with you. You can just sit at the back and observe, you won't have to do/say anything.

Saf goes regularly and MIFLAW used to go often, I know. Also JWN and some others, they will be able to reassure you there. If you follow the links in the OP right back to the first thread, you can follow JWN's original story and see how well she got on at AA.

Oh, and I also meant to say that different meetings have different, what are we called, clients? So it might be all men one night but all women on another night iyswim?

Well, I've had my last cuppa of the evening and am off to bed shortly. Just got time for a last few pages of my book before lights out. See you all tomorrow. Sleep safe x

obscure you ask what can you do about low self-esteem. The govt recommendation is CBT (although from personal experience going private works better than NHS) You should also be offered anti-depressants and there are various different kinds depending on what suits you.

I noticed you have several times in your posts made assumptions about what other people will do. Eg. 'I can't tell my DH about abuse because he would ask what I had done to provoke it', 'I can't say the truth because my children would be referred to SS'. You must feel very alone not being able to talk to anyone?

Your assumptions may be right, but from what I've read of your posts I think people may actually be more helpful and understanding than you expect. I am not a mental health expert (nor do I play one on TV) so if I've said anything wrong please ignore me.

Although quite an old book now, 'Feeling Good' by David Burns is a classic in CBT and can help with sensible practical advice. I would definitely recommend it if you are unable to seek professional help at the moment.

isinde - you've reminded me of exam days. all my exams were 3hrs but 2hrs was my limit. after two hours i couldn't sit there any longer and would leave and always, without fail, "homeward bound" would spontaneously play in my head as i walked out past all the people still working. i was an arrogant little thing i suspect but happy

welcome home! may take you up on your offer now you're home free.

morning babes. the sun is shining here - hope you all have some x

BOING!!!

obscure please try AA again! this time, phone the helpline and they will put you in touch with a lady in your area (i promise you, there will be one!) give a meeting a try - right now this is a time to be selfish, take from AA what you need and leave what you dont, getting sober is the most important thing right now!

I'm still in AA and still sober because of it. Some of the hardest times in my adult life, good and bad, have been in sobriety. I haven't drunk and that's because of AA. I would love to tell you all that I toughed it out, because that's the kind of guy I am, but I know from experience that, without AA, my answer to even the slightest problem is, have a drink first, then think about the problem.

When you go to AA you will hear talk about Higher Powers; sponsors; Steps; and a few other things. I'll let you into a secret - none of them are compulsory or essential. I am a sober atheist (my higher power is partly my subconscious self, partly an awareness that the universe doesn't revolve around me) who hasn't had a sponsor for some time. I remain sober. I know other people who have gone over a decade without even attempiting the 12 steps and they, too, remain sober.

Clearly, those things help a lot of people and maybe I would be even happier if I prayed to a God and had a sponsor who I phoned every day; but they are optional and you will not be forced to do anything. The real strehgth of AA, for me, is an awareness that you are not alone; the example of others that you can change, whatever your circumstances; and non-judgemental listeners when it gets tough (because it probably will, that's why you drink, right?) The only real essentials are an awareness that you have a problem; a willingness to change; and a bit of humility, an admission that you don't know all the answers and that maybe these strangers can help you.

In terms of the attendance profile of AA, it is true that men outnumber women, Celts outnumber other whites and whites outnumber blacks, and people who did not lose everything outnumber those who ended up homeless; but it is rare to find a meeting where there are NO women, or NO ethnic minorities (though I did once go to a meeting in West Hampstead where I was the only person present not born in Ireland!) That said, there are women-only meetings in many towns.

Also, it's not clear where you live, but London, for example, has over 600 meetings a week, so if the one near you doesn't suit, perhaps the one just down the road will work better?

PS all those stats are just based on my observations, I don't know what the actual figures are. I would say that in a typical meeting, women make up between a fifth and a third of the total - JWN and others, does that feel about right to you?