Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

[SoUnsureNow]

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

I would like to second what Cat says (her observations):

the streetwalkers used to use our garden. it was one of my jobs, to pick up the condoms before the kids got hold of them! (they were usually blue).

There were two crack dens in our street.

The women would start out more or less healthy looking, then get thinner and thinner to skeletal, then disappear.

One girl was quite pretty, and I remember she got a wolf whistle and smiled. It was kind of poignant, a sex worker who enjoyed the admiration of a man.

She was walking back, and her pimp a WOMAN said to her, where are you going? Going to smoke a wrap, she said.

After a while she disappeared and I never saw her again.

You lot scared the OP off!

I have found the OP's of these kinds of threads don't come back immediately, but reappear a few months later still in the same awful situation, or worse

I think women might post these threads because they can't get support anywhere else, and perhaps the support they need isn't the set in stone mantra of 'your partner is a vile woman hating abuser' 'all prostitutes are drug addicted abuse victims' 'all wifes who stay and try to make things work are stupid doormats.'

Hi
Came across your thread on google , read alot of the above and im probably one of the only people who can offer you some real concrete advice im an aw girl been on there since 2006 . Really sorry to hear what has happened to you in all honesty yes he will have been seeing escorts whatever you want to call us , for him to have bareback in the title of messages just shows what a complete moron this guy is , is he on a deathwish ?? For a guy to have been on the site since 2006 and have messaged lots of girls but never seen one is so unlikely you see if he hadnt have seen anyone through the booking system he would have 0 feedback we would see he was a timewaster and in 99.9% of cases he wouldnt receive a reply .
Really sorry honestly i am some of us just like everyone else have a heart and morals etc its just circumstances . Yes he has seen escorts , he may have cammed with girls he may well have talked about sickening fantasies ( making me feel ill now thinking about some of the "guys"on there.
Do yourself a favour and any other woman on here who finds the same out about her partner take him for everything you can get and dump him get the hell out of there dont stay with him for financial reasons etc because that makes you worse than us you see . 99.9% of us girls would never date a client/punter etc we dont look for them they come after us , some of them even imagine we are their girlfriends and they are married as well !

Hope that this helps you to move on he sounds like a tosser go get checked out at an sti clinic no need to wait 3 mths a mth is fine with the new tests

take care

x

I am not a prostitute-but I do work in the adult industry, and am on AW.

( I have zero desire for a 'normal' job, for what it's worth)
There are plenty of people who insinuate things that they would never follow through with .

It is POSSIBLE that your husband has NEVER had an arrangement with a prostitute, absolutely.

It may be that he doesn't want you to read the messages for another reason. I wouldn't feel right with my husband seeing me at work or reading what I say to customers! He knows what I do, though.
Having said that, this is an ISSUE. It's an issue because it has upset you, and it has shown you a side of your husband that you didn't know about-that you want to know about. This makes it an issue.
You need to get to the bottom of this or there will always be a huge elephant in the room that everybody is ignoring.
I would INSIST on seeing the messages, say if he's not meeting prostitutes then you're okay with anything else that he may have said or done and will not judge him. Tell him if he's been looking at cam models, buying pictures-whatever, then cool-for what it's worth even imply that you're interested in joining him! (Even if you're not).For me personally, I would NEED to see those messages.

This isn't innocent, because he's hiding it from you and you don't like it-if you read the messages and it's just him watching porn or chatting to women, you sound as if you're easy going enough and have a good enough relationship to overcome that.

If it's NOT, and it's more sinister than that-then let him know. Also catch him unawares -don't text him and say 'I want to read them tonight-he can delete them.

My 2cents.

I found this thread- because I typed in adultwork into google, so I could log in to my account.
This thread is actually above adultwork itself.
I am a 23 year old escort, and I have been escorting on and off since I was 18.
I am certainly not vile, and I don't risk my life to give my body to other men.
I enjoy my job very much, the money is great, and I play safe. And I meet all kinds of people.
I currently studying and will go on to do other things- but I have a daughter to support, and this job offers flexibility.
Being an escort is not illegal, I pay taxes like everyone else!
Not everyone offers such things as bareback sex! Not also this, but the majority of women that offer bareback sex are actually cheaper than normal escorts.

Maybe some useful info for you:

In regards to Adultwork- I am a verified member, and I do not have to recieve an email from a client, to be able to email them.
Since I am verifed I can contact anybody within the site and view the clients profile, if i wish.
It takes 48 hours to verify yourself as a member, if you are wanting to search for a clients username, however AW are very strict, so you will only have a limited time to do your searches, as they will more than likely remove your profile, if you are not seen to actually be using it.

Oh and I agree with everyone else on here, most men who have been on AW for years are normally very established clients, with generally quite a lot of feedback.

LastnightDNAruinedmylife:
Your husband sleeps with hookers you have affairs, you sound like a good match for each other imo!

OK, as a man who has used adultwork for a few years I can give you some insight. Quite clearly the guy is lying, most of the girls on Adultwork are very savvy at picking out the time wasters and you don't build up a bank of 60 or so emails without following through. Find his registered name on Adultwork then do a search on girls say within a 5 or 10 mile radius and read their feedback to find his registered name. Not all men like doing field reports but chances are with the amount of contact I'm suspecting he will have got or have given feedback at some point. Personally I see nothing wrong in Adultwork, the site itself is awful and it allows many fake profiles to be set up with the aim of conning 'punters' out of their cash to see private gallery photo's... Men like to see the goods in detail before they buy and many girls exploit that, many men exploit it also with fake profiles. It would be wrong to call all girls on their drug addicts or form preconceived ideas about what a working girl is like. You can see the addicts from the gallery pictures and you would in my opinion be crazy to offer bareback or partake. I've only ever seen girls who are careful and who enjoy what they do. Believe it not there are a few who just enjoy a lot of sex so it is combining business with pleasure. Then there are those who see it as a short term goal to make a lot of money, students, foreign immigrants etc, then there are the rest, the addicts, those with mental health issues (I'm being nice), con artists etc. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing glamorous about it and as an occasional service user you learn to read between the lines and be incredibly careful. I wouldn't touch probably 95 % of the girls on Adultwork, the vast majority promise everything yet have very little to offer even if they were giving it away for free. The smart ones are as careful about their clients as we are about them. There is something in the claim that there's a small thrill in setting up these meetings but you wouldn't maintain contact for that and working girls have a private messaging system that alerts each other to time wasters and aggressive or weird punters. Your bloke would have been flagged up long ago without even realising it with warnings against his profile. Having said all that, my guess is that he's panicked now and cancelled his profile. Only a matter of time before he sets up another one though. If you haven't already gotten rid and feel like you need more proof then for the interim DO NOT have unprotected sex with this guy. There is no thrill in asking girls if they do bareback, they are very clear as to whether they offer this on their profile page and sadly there are men who don't consider their own sexual health or the health of their partners.

Hi, my (ex) partrner has been a regular user of AW on and off for a while, and I found a great way to check up on him when he didnt know I knew he was there. If you type the username and adultwork into google (toghether), the cache of feedback (well a selection of them) are there to be seen. This will be feedback he has left for whoever. If you click on it, it will take you to the page where feedback is left, and there will be a number in brackets next to his name. Click on this number and it will take you to his feedback page where all the ladies who wanted to thank him have done so.
I know its sneaky.... but I hope it helps.

Poor OP. I hope she's okay

Wow, some twists and turns on this thread.

I wouldn't touch probably 95 % of the girls on Adultwork, the vast majority promise everything yet have very little to offer even if they were giving it away for free

Mysogyny alert!

There's a lot of hysteria and visceral responses on this thread. I'm going to try and add a different perspective (male). It is quite possible that a husband or boyfriend is on adultwork and has never physically seen an escort. They may have used a webcam service, they may have just emailed an escort for the "thrill" of it, they may have never contacted an escort but get off on the pictures. There are many responses here saying there are porn sites that are far better, why would a man bother with adultwork just to look at pictures?, visually that may be the case, however again there is definitely a "thrill" factor that the guy could turn fantasy into reality.

So for anyone reading this, do not immediately assume that your partner has done the dirty on you, it really could be the case that they are just getting cheap thrills. The only way to really tell is if there is feedback from an escort appointment (not a webcam appointment or the sale of an item).

Reading this thread and the responses has been enlightening for me. I'm sorry to tell any women that are hugely offended by adultwork and the industry that it represents that many, many males have used escorts or have had an affair. Personally I don't see a difference either because at the end of the day whichever way, it's a breach of trust, in fact the guy visiting the escort is doing so because he wants to satisfy a sexual desire rather than an emotional one. For the many guys who visit escorts they have absolutely no desire to leave their wife and children and are more than happy with life at home they just want sex with a different person and that is where the vast majority of men are different to women.

Sorry to break it to the many women on this thread that have called the OP's partner a scumbag etc etc but it's highly likely that your partner has either seen an escort or had an affair of some description. It's just the way the male mind works. I'm not excusing the behaviour by the way, it's morally indefensible, however it is life. If you decide to throw away a relationship based on a sexual transaction, then there is more going wrong in your relationship than you are admitting to.

Dear, oh dear...

Here here to the last (male) poster.

Ask yourself this. Would you prefer your partner to visit a prostitute or to have an affair? They both fulfil a sexual urge but having an affair is (I would suggest) much more of a betrayal.

There is no excuse in this particular example to use bareback (ugh) and the duplicity is painful. But being male, I know men better than, it seems, a lot of the women on this thread.

Oh christ... bloody men !!!! look , I have put up with some shit , but this has invalidated the core of your relationship trust , you will never (rightly so) trust him again...the house/mortgage/relocation stuff is hard to face , but in the bigger picture its minutae compared to your mental and physical health.... He is lying to you , he is putting you at risk.... leave , get an std check and move on... huge hugs to you , what a crappy situ !!!!!

Oh , men can't help being dragged by their parts into the nearest willing female for cheap thrills?? really? you poor things.... that must be awful for you , to have no INTELLIGENT control of such base behaviour.... heard it all now

I just came across this post while googling Adult Work. I am a married man and a father. I rarely use Adult Work beyond browsing, as I don't trust the 'Profiles' posted by most of the girls. I do use prostitutes, though, and on a fairly regular basis. I wouldn't consider 'Bareback' though. I am sorry that you had to find out that your husband uses what we call WGs. I do understand how shocking this sort of discovery must seem to many of the women that post here. Unfortunately, that is the difference between men and women. The sex industry thrives because of men. It's a simple case of supply and demand. In my case, I use prostitutes for regular sex, simply because my wife has zero interest in having sex with me and, indeed, in any kind of physical affection. She can't explain to me why, but we stay together because of our kids and our mortgage. The alternative is poverty for both of us, and a lousy environment in which to raise children.
It's the physical contact rather than the sexual contact that I miss. In fact, I often visit massage parlours where I can get a really good massage followed by what we call 'hand relief'. I would dearly love to have sex again with my wife.
I appreciate that a post like this isn't going to change any woman's mind, but I just wanted to put across the male viewpoint. And I am not in a minority, despite what some of you may wish to think about your respective husbands and boyfriends and the fathers of your children. Be careful what you go looking for.
Thanks for reading.

@littleblue it's your type of response that I do not think is helpful. You do not know that he has done anything other than send some dirty emails.

In the vast majority of cases, bareback requests would never be contemplated. If this guy is a regular user of Adultwork he will know that and it quite possibly indicates that he is living out some online fantasy.

"for you , to have no INTELLIGENT control of such base behaviour.... heard it all now" Unfortunately it is extremely common in the male species, I don't use it as an excuse or as means of condoning, it is what is.

@Charliefffff your last paragraph is very true. I'd advise any woman who discovers Adultwork in their partners browsing history and wants to continue with their relationship not to dig further, assume the best not the worst, take an sti test and drop into conversation how horrified you would be if you ever discovered that your partner was using escorts

Yeah girls. Better put up and shut up. Because boys will be boys after all

Charlieffff that's not a male viewpoint, it's your viewpoint. This idea that men are somehow unable to not have sex, while women can go for months/years without it, is so alien to me. I've been with men who have zero interest in sex. I know women who can't go with it. It is all to do with the person, men don't have some huge lusty appetite that they can't control. And if they can't, you can masturbate.

You know, like a normal, non-abusive, non-expolitative man would.

The day when society starts treating men as adults with some sort of workable intellect and ability to control their impulses will be a fucking happy one.

These recent posts actually give me the creeps. Amazing how many people were looking for Adultwork and came across this thread. How popular is this site?
Where to start??
Firstly
Hubert, if you decide to throw away your relationship based on a sexual transaction, then there is more wrong in your relationship than you're admitting to
umm yes, your DP is a lying cheating scumbag who doesn't respect you. I would say that's a serious problem.
Even worse that you say basically that ignorance is bliss? Women should put up with it??
I think you are a repulsive human being to have so little respect for women.