Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

[SoUnsureNow]

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

:o @ cat

They'd only make it legal so they could tax the women for it. It's a load of crap that it'd be for their safety

The ones I know are very safe, and have an NHS sexual health nurse that goes round to the 'parlour'.
Not many people know about that but it is a scheme the government had.

GoldShip That depends on an individuals moral compass. I suppose at base they are betraying their fellow women who are married to these men.

If a woman came on these boards and admitted to being the dreaded 'other woman' she would be vilified.

A prostitute is no different- that plays on the victim status again.

If you are going to fuck a married man then do- whether for money or just for fun, but don't lie to yourself that you have no responsability in the act. "He asked me to do it and gave me £50." If he asked you to jump off a cliff for £50, would you?!

Oh and 'prostitues spread stis' where are your stats? It's imperative they keep clean and disease free, it's their livelihood.

They can't vetto every man.

No one said prostitutes spread STI's. I was making the point that on threads like this everyone tells the OP to get an STI check as they are at risk, but that it is the mans fault, to some people a prostitute who works while infected would be blameless whether she knew it or not.

Anyone can be unlucky and get an STI, but in reality promiscuous people in general spread STI's as much more effectively as there are window periods in which a person can be infected and infectious, but the infection be undetectable. Also things like herpes and genital warts can be infectious but show no symptoms and can recur. People with a lot of partners are more likely to be exposed to the viruses and the use of condoms can only reduce the risk not prevent it.. Even with regular health checks, that can't be avoided.

They can't vet every man, but they can take responsibility for their own actions. Just because someone wants you to do something and will pay you to do it doesn't make it right. If they aren't comfortable with the fact that a man they have sex with might be married and the fact of the act might cause pain to his partner, maybe they're in the wrong job.

Goldship, your experience and mine of prostitutes circumstances are very different, I'm not disagreeing with what you say but there is another side here, like everyone says there are many different women with different circumstances doing this, not all the same. My closest friend works in a drug rehab unit that helps many women who are prostitutes, and when I lived in the same inner city they used to be literally on my doorstep (actually on my doorstep), I knew them on first name terms in the end, they'd take 'clients' down the side alley - we saw it all. Full sex for £10, enough so they could get their wrap of heroin straight after, they were not women in a good place. I saw them get in cars with 4 men, come back days later on crutches (may not be related but you get the picture) doing the same again. Most were picked up in the morning which shocked me, men on their way to work...

Not all prostitutes are in this situation, not all are from abroad either, many do it of their own volition and are happy with it yes. Its a real mixed bag, but I genuinely think that the ones who are in a safe place doing it are few and far between in my experience.

Catinthebox, its all down to exploitation at the end of the day, the women I have seen doing this and my friend works with are desperate in a very very dark hopeless place They clearly have a very serious drug problem and quite frankly need help. I mean, full sex for £10, being picked up by gangs of men (risking that), coming back seriously battered....its not fun is it? Who is exploiting who here?

The women I saw every day for 2 years were just surviving in a haze, getting picked up by the police and arrested, on a merry go round of drugs and tricks. It was sad, very sad to see so I do feel I need to say my peace on here. I don't have any experience of prostitutes doing it and enjoying it as a normal job, but clearly other posters do so its up to them to say that side of it.

And like I said, I saw men picking them up on the way to work in the city in the mornings, a real eye opener.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread about this, its a whole other debate.

catfart Your experiences of the subject are as valid as anyone elses. The main thing in any debate is that people listen to and take on board other peoples experiences and view the bigger picture.

At the extremes are people being exploited and badly damaged, (even some men) and the middle ground consists of people doing okay. Who really knows the numbers?

I think the women you are talking about are prostitutes secondarily to being drug addicts. Is it wrong/ abusive to use a persons desperate addiction to get them to get them to have sex with you? Most people would say yes- and be right. They probably don't reflect the experiences of a lot of escorts etc though, and are hopefully not the type of women a lot of posters on here seem to be finding their husbands using. I think it confuses the issue when the definition of a CSW becomes a drug addict or trafficed woman etc.

I wouldn't like a woman making descisions based on those facts, if they're not true. A woman who is heart broken at her partners betrayal doesn't need to added upset of thinking of him as a vile abuser, if it's not true. In some cases it is more a tacky affair involving money. Which is also horrible, but does not give the woman the added misery of thinking she has spent however long and/ or had children with a monster. A cheat and a liar yes, but so often on here I see threads panning out where the man is almost being held personally responsible for every act of abuse ever commited against a prostitute and it almost goes as far as blaming her too- "you fed him breakfast, which gave him the energy to go out and commit this crime against an under age/ trafficked/ drug addicted/ mentally ill victim!!!!

It's a huge and complex issue. I don't have the answers. Sometime all you can do is try to limit the damage. Maybe rather than legalising it, criminalising it would be better. Get the drug addicted in to rehab and then supported housing for a s long as they need it? But who would pay? Much better to legalise and be able to make money from it for the tax man- making all of us pimps and ponces really!

And consent may be able to be given freely when money is exchanged but that isn't the point. It would be dangerous to legislate for the idea that consent was being given always of free will when contracting for sex and that this should be a rebuttable presumption. The issues around consent are too complicated. I think you are failing to understand what I mean because you are coming from the bottom up (I.e. thinking about individual possibilities) whereas I am talking about law which covers all society.

It's nothing like an affair, however tacky.

Even if she's the mythical belle du jour, a man who buys her services is buying her consent. She wouldn't be having sex with him if she wasn't being paid. He is therefore happy to have sex on someone without really giving a shit that she's not really into it - not really into him. It shows a shocking lack of respect for women as people - it's using women as conveniences.

That's even before we get into considering the life experiences that may have led that woman to think that selling sex is her best option.

Oh, and if there weren't women willing to be prostitutes, the trade wouldn't disappear, more women would be coerced or forced, that's all. We have to tackle the demand side of things if we want to see change. Criminalise the buying of sex, not the selling of it.

Massive (((((hugs))))) to all the women on this thread (and lurkers) who have found out their DHs and DPs are not the men they thought they were.

Its absolutely nothing like an affair. Even decent people have affairs behind their partners backs. Usually not planned and as a result of boundaries being crossed with people they know. Not excusable and not necessarily forgivable.

Paying for a prostitute is different . Its taking the time to think and plan out a booking. A totally premeditated event. Completely unforgivable. In my book anyway.

An affair would at least show that he was human and not necessarily a bad guy- capable of caring and loving someone. A paid shag would show that he thought it was ok to have sex with a woman that didn't fancy him or maybe didn't even like him for cash.

I would be mortified beyond belief if I found my dp held these views and thought it was better than an affair!

And as for morals. Well the woman is advertising herself and doesn't force than man, she isn't betraying a person she knows and loves. That's the man. However, o still feel uncomfortable as a woman that a prostitute can not even care one little bit that the man she is shagging moght be married and hurting someonem I think I'd find it very hard not be judgemental or lose faith in men. One day it could be them.

Offred- if you are going to say something, then stand by it. After all I might be a mentally ill, drug addicted prostitute and therefore not responsibe for my own life in any way shape or form.

I find it amazing that so many women hold these views. It is like an affair in some cases. A lot of men have sex with women and don't care about their feelings. And plan affairs. We see an awful lot of women on here who also find their partners on dating sites, looking for a no strings hook up. If a man sees the same escort, every week for years, gives her personal presents, pays her etc, what is that? And it happens. The nature of the relationship is exactly the same as an affair, he just secures a greater level of security- she will not turn up at his front door telling his wife and bleating for him to leave and come to her. In fact there might be a lot more mutual respect there than a man who shags a woman in the toilet on a lads night out!

Of course there are routes that lead people to certain lifestyles, thats been said over and over here. It is not a one size fits all issue.

carmenelectra Thats very true- one day it could be them.

I'm not sure why the last message was deleted. Don't even remember what was on it.

If there is one thing that is extremely frustrating it is someone who consistently misreads your posts and levels accusations completely unrelated to what you have said at you and then asks for your posts to be deleted...

Carmen I think a lot of prostitutes do care that somewhere a wife is being hurt and deceived. But that's one of the many moral and psychological issues the prostitute has to deal with. Along with how her job affects her own relationships; her view of men in general; trust issues; self-esteem, etc.

Cat Many clients view seeing a prostitute as 'better' than having an affair. Their need/desire for extra-marital sex being a given (in their opinion), they either genuinely believe or convince themselves that the wife would be more hurt by an emotional attachment or love affair.

i.e., they have a choice of two bad things: they choose the thing that is 'less bad'.

(Again, not speaking for everyone...)

tamoo
I agree that many men do think that by choosing to see prostitutes is a lesser kind of cheating than a affair. They mistakenly beieve as no love and affection are involved it isn't so bad. Its worse. What truly baffles me, is why these men get married in the first place. And I think its a bloody dammned cheek and insult that THEY decide what does and doesn't constitute cheating, not the wife.

As for prostitutes feeling guilt about seeing married men, then I guess a fair number do. There are also many(if you read certain forums) that think its ok for men to pay for sex as no emotional attachment is formed and it means nothing. Or maybe its a marketing ploy again so make men thin how cool they are and always. Up for sex. Maybe they secretly lose. Faith in men.

Sorry, damn phone doesn't make sense!

What I meant to add was, why would anyone who was in love with someone and in a committed relationship be ok with their partner paying for sex? Obviously unless they were in. An open relationship.

The intimacy in my relationship with my dp is what makes our relationship unique. If we had sex with other people it wouldn't be mutually exclusive anymore. Our relationship would be no different to that I have with friends.

Its not about being jealous but I don't want to share that intimacy With anyone else. Men who pretend its not cheating are kidding themselves. The prostitutes that say they wouldn't mind are either into open relationships or are not in a relationship with someone they love.

I don't think many women in a monogamous LTR would be ok with their partners paying for sex? Sorry I don't know if there's been an example upthread that I've missed. Or are you talking about prostitutes in their relationships?

Yes tamoo. I meant prostitutes

I have seen many posts fro$ prostitutes who claim it wouldn't bother them if a partner saw an escorts as its better than an affair.