Found out that DH has been sending messages on Adultwork for years. Gutted and so unsure of what to do/believe

[SoUnsureNow]

This morning, my bus to work didn't turn up. We live rurally and another wasn't due for over two hours, so I went back home to look up the online train timetable for an alternative. I picked up DP's iPad from the kitchen table - and the screen was open to a message inbox on Adultwork, an advertising site for sex-work and escorting. It was DH's account. There were possibly 50 or so sent messages in there, dating back to late 2006 (a year before we got together) and right up to some dated only last week. Even more sickeningly, some of them were titled 'Bareback?', so this is obviously what he's been asking for. I couldn't read the actual messages, the account had automatically timed out so I could just see the last page viewed/inbox home.

When he got out of the shower I asked him what he was playing at. He claims that it's all him just messing around - that he gets bored working from home and being on his own all day, so he created a profile and sends the odd message on and off to "create a bit of fun and excitement" for himself during the day. He likes the anticipation of asking for a meet (escort appointment, I suppose?) with a special request and then waiting to see what the woman he's messaged replies to his request. He swears that he's never, ever bought sex, has never once met up with any of the women he messages during our relationship, would never put our relationship or my health at risk by having sex with women from Adultwork.

When I'm a bit bored at work, I might go and watch a funny video or two on Youtube or read the news on the BBC website. I don't create profiles on sex-buying sites/dating sites and message people to see what they send back.

I asked him to log me in to the account so I could read the messages he's been sending and receiving. I just wanted to see whether there was anything really incriminating there, like actual arrangements ot appointments, or post-appointment messages which would make it clear he's been buying sex. He refused, saying that even if there was nothing of that sort there, I'd still just think what I wanted to think.

Even though him saying this makes part of me almost certain that I'd find exactly what I think is there, my gut still believes him that he was just messing around online and hasn't ever taken it further. I don't know which is most likely. I don't know whether my 'gut' is just trying to get me to protect what I have rather than believe the worst.

Please hold my hand. I've been a mess all day. I don't have any family up here and not even one friend and not even an acquaintance, really - we relocated several hundred miles away from where I call 'home' last year, when DH was promoted: I sold my single-girl flat to help buy our house, packed in my (good, well-paid) job, left my friends and family behind. I have nowhere to go if I decide it's over. My job now is several paygrades below my old one and I can't afford to pay the mortgage on our house plus the rent on a new flat/even a room for myself.

I almost wish I hadn't seen what I've seen. I keep on thinking how could it happen, my bus is usually so reliable, why did it have to be AWOL today?! Stupid, I know. Our relationship is great - I'd have said near-perfect. We have a lovely home and a pretty carefree lifestyle. We rarely argue, and then only short rows about domestic or silly stuff. We'd decided to start TTC in the next couple of months. We still have sex most days: he can't claim that he sends sexy messages because he needs an outlet for his sex drive.

That's all, really.

I think the comment about two of them being on here is aimed at me and one other. I am on here because I am a mum. Simple. I was also trying to offer the OP advice on how to find out if he has booked an escort or not. What I do part time after work (yes I have a proper job infact I am a Midwife) has nothing to do with this thread. I was offering advice in a way I know would work.
@Anothermumonhere, If you are a verified member you can search any profile be it service provider or service seeker if you have the username. They only have to email first if you are not verified. Hence the whole client connections thing, where verified members were sending out pre set emails to every punter they could find but now they have thankfully removed that so you can see their profile but not email them

Ermmm, Elisabeth Tbh I think there is no way you are a woman because you hate women so much. If you actually bothered to check whether we are trolls or not, you could've done a quick search of our usernames. Do you have hairy hands?

Moisturised hands :)

I've already apologised and I'll apologise to you and Chips again.

Sorry.

Thank you. You're understandably angry, we just have to agree to disagree re prostitutes. I don't think many of them do it because it's such fun (I'm guessing there might be some) but on the whole they do it because there is nothing else for them to do to earn a living. They could be providing a service to single men only, it's the married guys that make the decision to go them IYSWIM. Sorry about your situation.

@ foofie. I think you will find out, even when verified (and this is not a great option) that the only ones you can 'search the profile of' is the ones who have either put you on their 'hotlist'; bought your pix and their is a third thing too that I cant remember.

Being verified does not automatically allow you to 'search' for anyone, whether you have username or not.

Going down the 'verified' path means you have to send adultwork a photo of yourself with the username you have chosen to use on it with your full face showing and also your driving licence/passport number. I don't know if many partners/wives would want to get this listed on a database to find out what their OH is up to.

As DFAG says, the prostitutes don't go dragging the men off the streets. The guys search them out which is a totally different kettle of fish.

Why the girls do the job they do is their decision. The number is multiplying daily because of the high number of unemployed and the number will increase even more in the run up to Christmas with more females 'working' to pay for their childrens christmas presents. Not your choice maybe, but it is theirs.

I wonder how OP is?

The last thing a prostitute wants is to "steal your husband". The prositute is much more likely to share your suspicion that underneath the facade your husband is a woman-hating skank. She wants him to get it over with as quickly as possible and leave. She wishes she has a proper career with friends and prospects and she hates herself when she looks in the mirror. She also hates having no idea where she'll be or what her life will be like six months or five years from now. She wishes she didn't need to do this to survive.

Oh and she'll also be hoping you find out that your husband has an escort habit and that you'll kick his arse.

Tamoo Thu 27-Sep-12 11:16:38
The last thing a prostitute wants is to "steal your husband".

That much, I'm sure about.
The rest is subjective and surely varies from prostitute to prostitute.

The only one I knew well certainly didn't do it to survive, and had a lot of friends.

I know a number of escorts/prostitutes and you are right - the last thing they want is to 'steal your husband', far from it, they usually disuade clients from being 'overfriendly' as no one wants a 'lovesick puppy'.

Oh and she'll also be hoping you find out that your husband has an escort habit and that you'll kick his arse.

Why on earth would an escort want you to kick out your husband. Escorts are not looking for relationships with clients. They are just that, clients, for one hour, two hours, four hours, whatever length of time they make a booking for.

As for She wishes she has a proper career with friends and prospects and she hates herself when she looks in the mirror. She also hates having no idea where she'll be or what her life will be like six months or five years from now. She wishes she didn't need to do this to survive.

You couldnt be further from the truth. Although the job is very insular due to the laws of the country, the girls usually have as many friends as the next person.

The rest of your statement is just narrowminded and judgemental bollox but obviously, even if very wrong, your opinion.

I'm speaking from personal experience. My apologies if it doesn't correspond to 100% of prostitutes' thinking. But it's certainly not "narrow-minded" or "judgemental bollocks".

The friends comment stems from the fact of wishing for a normal job where you're able to chat with someone at the next desk or at least someone to talk to about their job. I wasn't suggesting that prostitutes don't have RL friends.

And again speaking from personal experience, I found it was quite a common train of thought to hope a client's wife would somehow find out and get away from him, simply from seeing what he was like in that hour or two.

Tamoo when you say 'friends' is that a single friend (with the apostrophe) or plural friends (without apostrophe). I hope you know what I mean.

Most escorts have constant (minute to minute or hour to hour) contact with other escorts via the intenet, therefore they do not 'wish for a normal job where they are able to chat to someone at the next desk' for they are still doing that even if it is not physically, they still have regular contact with people they can talk about the job with.

As for I found it was quite a common train of thought to hope a client's wife would somehow find out and get away from him, simply from seeing what he was like in that hour or two. I really dont know what kind of friends you have as none of the girls I know that work as escorts would EVER want the client's wife to find out about their wayward husband/partner's activities, to think that is absurd and says more to me about your friend/s than anything else.

wayward?????

I know what you mean, the friends comment is as it is, plural, ie, regarding having friends.

We'll just have to acknowledge differing opinions on whether one would want a wife to find out. Yes there are clients who are 'OK' and seem harmless enough and/or punting for arguable reasons and one might think, fair dos, what the wife doesn't know can't hurt her. But there are other clients who are shitbags and one can't imagine that their shitbagness doesn't manifest itself at home in front of their wife and kids. In those cases one might entertain a fleeting sisterly wish that the wife did find out and manage to find herself a different husband.

Nothing wrong with wayward.

Wayward = Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations or swayed or prompted by caprice; unpredictable.

Nothing wrong with wayward.

Wayward = Given to or marked by willful, often perverse deviation from what is desired, expected, or required in order to gratify one's own impulses or inclinations or swayed or prompted by caprice; unpredictable.

There are as many different sorts of prostitutes as there are punters, or anything else you can think of, police officers, doctors etc.

I think it's a 'job' that people seem to romanticise because of the taboo nature and 'mystery' of it. I also think that some women try to excuse the prostitute and put all the blame on the client as a slightly Freudian way of coming to terms with the issue- that she is jealous of the prostitute and seeks to resolve the situation by learning to identify with the prostitute.

Some prostitutes are abuse victims, pimped out and miserable. Some are abuse victims in another sense, that get a warped sense of satisfaction out of what they see as positive attention and even love from their clients. Some do it as an easy way to make money. Some do because they hate other women and get a kick out of what they perceive as their sexual power over men.

Ditto the clients, some women hating abusers, some miserably under confident individuals who can't form functional relationships with women and are therefore more of a victim than the prostitute, being brought even lower by the degredation of having to pay for sex, etc, etc.

The thing is that even with first person testimonials of the whys and wherefores, you don't get the full truth and it's a difficult subject to be honest about, because clients and prostitutes- like any other person- distort the facts, tell lies, feel shame and seek understanding and approval. Are they all psychologically damaged? Probably no more than any other cross section of society, but they just get more focus, because of the shock value of the subject.

The OP hasn't been back in a while. I hope she's ok.

Its crazy to think prostitutes steal husbands. Yeah right. Like. A 25yr old is out to nick a middle aged man from his wife. Women market and adverstise and men seek them out. However, from reading some of the prostitution and punting forums I do think some of the women gloat and suck up to the men who post and almost encourage them.
I found my my dp had seen prostitutes and engaged in banter I'd be beyond mad. Like I was being made fun of.

A lot of the escorts claim to be totally okay with the concept of their own partners payong for sex as long as it was just that. Oh really? So they would be totally cool with their husband paying younger prettier girls and it wouldn't damage their self esteem or humiliate them? Really?even if they wrote detailed reviews? Maybe all prostitutes do it for the sex and are basically paid swingers then. They don't put up with a bloke double their age just for the dosh!

Oh and foofie are you a prostitute? I am wondering how the NMC would view this as wouldn't it mean that you weren't of good character?

Elisabeth, I am sorry your husband turned out to be of such poor character, but the fault all lies with him, not the women he paid to abuse

Are you still with him ?

I meant if my dp had seen prostitutes, that that he has. He would be be history, obviously.

What an awful thread, can't imagine what OP and the others who've found out their husbands have been using this site are going through......hope you can find the strength to come through this, and that your partners get exactly what they deserve. Hugs

AnyFucker
Oh and foofie are you a prostitute? I am wondering how the NMC would view this as wouldn't it mean that you weren't of good character?

Why, because she has sex with lots of people?
Or because she does something no more illegal than stamp-collecting.

As long as she doesn't speak for the profession surely she's fine doing a second - legal - job.

a. Prostitution is more illegal than collecting stamps!

b. I know it is something you have mentioned to me before but your assertion that having sex for money in your own home not being illegal means prostitution is therefore legal and by implication endorsed isn't correct. That lack of illegality is purely about the inability and unwillingness of the law to interfere in a private bedroom. It isn't because the law doesn't consider prostitution a problem just that the implications of giving courts powers to regulate and investigate behaviour in a private bedroom are greater than the need/desire to make all sales of sex for money illegal.

C. It is likely that AF would be correct that in a good moral character clause part-time work as a prostitute would be something they might be concerned about as this is about morals rather than laws and there is some precedent of prostitution being considered a moral issue.

Carmen what you have to remember is that 'sucking up to the men on prostitution forums' is a form of marketing; as awful as that sounds, writing as though you think all your clients are infinitely sexy and masterful lovers is just something you have to do. Anyone here who's read the blogs on AW would get the impression that escorts live in a state of permanent arousal and think every client they see is gorgeous. Potential clients who look at these blogs (and the field reports, and the feedback) are looking for a guaranteed - and uninhibited - good time, and will likely book the escort who looks most likely to provide this. Not saying it's true for everyone but I think you have to take it with a pinch of salt when you read that an escort does it because she 'loves sex so much the money is just a bonus'.