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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP! My dh is trying to decide..........................

93 replies

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 13:07

whether or not he loves me
whether or not to continue with our marriage

I feel absolutely desparate

Please help, all words welcome :(

OP posts:

Radley · 19/03/2006 13:08

Oh no, what a horrible decision to be waiting for.

How long have things been bad? When did he decide this?

drosophila · 19/03/2006 13:13

Do you love him?
DO you think you should continue with the marriage?

Is this out of the blue?

littlerach · 19/03/2006 13:14

How long has he been trying to decide for?

I am guesssing that you love him and want ro remain with him.

I suppose that ta least he is being honest with you, but how awful to have to wait and see what he decides.

beetroot · 19/03/2006 13:16

Perhpas he needs to try and decide somewhere else. And in the mean time, you can get on with your life.

I would say. If you don't know then go away and we van meet in a month and I can decide if i want you!

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 13:21

Beetroot - :o at your last comment, part of me is thinking exactly that

This is the most horrible situation for us both.

He has been keeping BIG secrets from me for a year and more. I found out some in October. He continued with secrets and to cut a long story short I found out the whole story four days ago.

There is another thread somewhere, started in October which explains what happened then but it doesnt really help with now. MN advice then was wonderful though

My heart is breaking :( :(

OP posts:

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 13:28

Can anyone tell me about Relate? Will we have to wait ages for an appointment and how much it might cost?

OP posts:

littlerach · 19/03/2006 13:30

I think it can be means tested or by donation if you are really skint.

WRT appts, depends on how busy they rae, when they're open etc.

Do you really want to stay with him, if he's kept so much from you?

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 13:38

Little Rach - I guess I come across as barking dont I

Why would anyone want to stay with a man who has been telling lies for ages

Answers are that I love him. When I met we both felt we were destined to be together for ever and that hasnt changed for me.

I know that a large part of the problem is me. I talk to much about everything and anything. I dont allow dh space to think and 'be'. Im always asking questions about conversations he has had, money. I think he feels not welcome in his home because im always tidying up his book, sunglasses, wallet, mug - whatever stuff he leaves lying about. He feels crowded out by me, as if he is not allowed to be the real him

I think he thinks our problems are basically all my fault. His lack of need/wish to talk about things etc are not a problem for him - makes me worse in my controlling behaviour but he doesnt think his behaviour is too blame.

Does that make sense?
Im going to sign up with relate online now!

OP posts:

beetroot · 19/03/2006 15:42

at mumsnetter called spook cameon here weeping and desperate saying she and her dh were destined to be together etc etc...She laid herself bare for him and he dumped on her big time.

Well she recently came back on and said sher is made inlove with another guy and all is wonderful. Learn a lesson. If you sit there waiting for him to make up his mind he will treat you like rubbish.

Get up wipe yourself down and tellhim to bog off.

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 16:22

All marriages have their ups and downs, you have to be realistic and expect the downs to be pretty bad sometimes. You'll know in your heart of hearts who's in the right here and I know it sounds simple but whoever it is it's up to them to chance, to just do it without any procrastination or expecting any pats on the back - then hopefully a bigger change in all of you will come about.

collision · 19/03/2006 17:10

Why can you not just let him 'be'? why do you constantly crowd him and not let him be himself? Why does he not feel welcome in his own home? It must be hard for him if you are as controlling as you say you are.

OTOH what has he been keeping from you/ Women? Debts? porn? Illegal stuff? Do you want to stay with him?

Why not tell him you need some space and that you need to think about the relationship too.

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 19:36

Thanks for the advice all - I appreciate it, even the bits I dont agree with

I could go into all the details of what hes been up to, but I suspect you would all dislike him intensely then - which wouldnt be fair

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 19/03/2006 19:41

I think that Beetroot is right. There are two in the relationship. You also have some serious thinking to do. Your last line in your last thread says it all.

Twinkie1 · 19/03/2006 19:43

Personally I 'd tell him to fuck off - sorry to be blunt but I wouldn't want ot be in a relationship with someone who had to take even a second to think about if they loved me - YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT HOW DARE HE TREAT YOU LIKE THIS!!!!!

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 19:55

So most of you think I should just tell him to piss off and not give him the chance of making a decision

I think that would be my reaction if It wasnt me going through this. Its not as easy as that in reality.

I thinking and thinking about it all and Im determined that given a chance we will work through this be stronger and better than ever as a couple.

Waiting for him to work it all out in his head is AWFUL though

Yes I know you all think I am barking

OP posts:

thirtysomething · 19/03/2006 19:57

Why are you so hard on yourself? Sounds like you've already decided it's your fault, despite hinting that he's not exactly been angelically well behaved! Obviously noone wants to pass judgement and noone but you and your dh knows your situation, but please stop blaming yourself for the feelings he's now expressing! Could it be his own guilt that is making him feel like he isn't good enough for you any more? Try to cut yourself a little slack and accept and be proud of your personality! Big hugs and hope it all works out for you whatever you both decide.

Twinkie1 · 19/03/2006 20:00

He sounds like he is an arsehole and is trying to make you feel like you are losing him and it is your fault and not his, when he decides that he really does love you and is doing you the favour of staying you will be so greatful and overlook what an arse he has been - my XH used to do stuff like this until I got wise to him.

Sorry if I am reading situation wrong but he has no right to keep you hanging on like this and treat you like you have no say int he relationship!!

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 20:01

I don't think you sound barking. And your right I think about what people say they would do and what they actually really do. Good luck!

ggglimpopo · 19/03/2006 20:01

BBB, that is how my husband - ex husband - started the conversation that finally ended the marriage. I asked him what he wanted for lunch and the reply was something like "I don't know if I want to stay married any more or not......". I was a wreck till I found out he had someone else. The tables turned, literally BOOM, I realised what a passive little fool I had been, waiting for the big man to tell me whether he was going to keep me on or not - and I told him it was over. Amazing how quickly he decided it was me he really wanted. But too late. There is an expression 'be careful what you want, because you might just get it'. Why don't you do some decision making here. If you want to keep him, so be it, but giving him and you some space might put things beautifully into perspective.

Has he got someone else? I would be very careful.

mistressmiggins · 19/03/2006 20:02

I think what people are saying is....tell him that if he's unsure, perhaps he should move out to allow him time to think

How painful for you wondering "when" or "if" he's going to leave.

the night b4 my husband left, we had a massive row and he said he was leaving.
next morning I calmly asked him where he was going....and he cried for 2 hrs b4 leaving

I still wonder if he would stil be here if I hadnt been calm etc BUT at least I wouldnt have spent another couple of miseralbe months for him to still leave....

ITS NOT 100% YOUR FAULT THOUGH

Ulysees · 19/03/2006 20:03

Just want to give my support. It's easy for people to say tell him where to go but when your love is so deep it's very difficult. I hope you can find strength though I bet right now you can't imagine ever feeling good again.

Beety mentioned spook, her story was amazing. I only briefly went on the threads but the support she got was outstanding. Anyone heard from her btw?

I wish I could make it all better for you hun, take good care xx

ggglimpopo · 19/03/2006 20:04

How you doing, Mrs Miggins?

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 20:05

Well, my DP has said this to me before and there was no one else just us and my depression. We went through a very tough period and I sought help and we fell in love again. In the scale of a lifetime you are going to hit the rocks hard once or twice. Everyone is an arsehole sometimes. There are worse things to be and it's easier than you'd imagine stopping. I'd still be an arsehole if it wasn't for DP saying that - he could juts have left.

tribpot · 19/03/2006 20:10

busybusybee, a lot of the things you've said, starting with "I know that a large part of the problem is me" sound like you repeating (and believing) things he's told you.

Why not use this opportunity to decide what you see as the strengths and weaknesses of the marriage? If nothing else it will unsettle him to think you are re-evaluating things as well, and it sounds as if it would benefit you to be doing something more constructive than just waiting for him to make up his mind. It sounds callous but it will also strengthen your hand in the upcoming bargaining if you are clear about what you want and why.

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:11

To answer 30somethings question -Why are you being so hard on yourself?

Its really hard to explain without waffling on for hours!

I think the difficulties he is having with our relationship now are the issues he has always raised iyswim. We have been married for 6 1/2 years and he has always got frustrated with me for exactly the same reason. In 6 1/2 years apparently I have not improved in this area so therefore he feels fed up and pissed off, as if Ill never change so therefore maybe he would be better off elsewhere - I know that he doesnt know what to do, he is not keeping me hanging on to be deliberately cruel. He is dislexic and always takes ages to arrange his thoughts and make decisions about things

I am well aware that he is also to blame in this. Chiefly imo because instead of confronting this issue head on years ago he has allowed it to come to the point where he is considering leaving me. I have often suggested counselling, reading self help books about relationships, he has never taken up the suggestion.

It is only now that we are at crises point that i am insisting on Relate - a suggestion he hasnt yet responded to.... GRrrrrrrrrr

Sorry for going on. There are few people in RL I can talk to about this :(

OP posts:

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