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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP! My dh is trying to decide..........................

93 replies

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 13:07

whether or not he loves me
whether or not to continue with our marriage

I feel absolutely desparate

Please help, all words welcome :(

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 19/03/2006 20:15

If I were you- I'd be doing the same thing, waiting. If I were wise I'd kick him out. How about a middle ground? i think you need some time away. i fthere really is any milegae left iin the marriage, you will return (or he will) to a marriage that has a chance: he will know if he missed you. if he uses uit as a get out of jail free card... sorry but you're six weeks closer to getting over him than if you'd let him take his time.

What would you want your kids to do if it were them- coz you're setting an example.

And maybe you do love him and maybe you're not great to him (are any of us?) but he either loves you or not, you can't be a marriage on your own.

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:17

Monkey Trousers - I found your story inspiring - Thankyou for sharing

I know we are both to blame for the problems we have. I know he has been an arsehole

BUT I am not willing to give up on our marriage just like that.

I want the chance to rescue our marriage for ourselves, our two beautiful children and everybody else in our lives. Us splitting up would devaste an enormous number of people in addition to just us. There is an awful lot to lose here :(

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 19/03/2006 20:19

Excellent post, PeachyClair.

FioFio · 19/03/2006 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

mistressmiggins · 19/03/2006 20:29

actually Im not doing so well so dont listen to anything I say

I will agree with Tripot though that if you are told often enough its "your fault" then you believe it - been there several times and it seems I dont learn - so again just ignore me

beetroot · 19/03/2006 20:32

so 61/2 yerars ago you got married and since then he has told you the things he does not like about you and expected you to change? As you have not changed, he is now making a desicion as to whether you are worthy or not to be his wife still.

I honestly would tell him to go make this decsion alone!!

ggglimpopo · 19/03/2006 20:34

Total hijack - beets, could you please resend the adobe thing as old comp ate it....never even got to see it!

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:34

MrsMiggins - I have read your thread but cant remember the outcome - Are you now separated from your dh?

OP posts:

beetroot · 19/03/2006 20:35

fio, i was not suggesting she could only find happiness with another man. I was saying that spook had the same line'we were made for each other, etc etc' and she has moved on and realsied that they were not!

beetroot · 19/03/2006 20:37

(done GGG)

tribpot · 19/03/2006 20:39

MistressM, hope you are feeling better soon. You have done an amazing job holding everything together after the departure of your arse of an ex-h.

Back to the subject though. I'll leave aside the fact that "apparently" you haven't been willing or able to address his concerns in 6 1/2 years, if you really believed that I think you would have said so upfront.

On the other hand, there are some key indicators for the "trying to get a bloke to act not like a bloke" thing that women have a tendency to do:

expect him to talk about things openly and directly
be willing to read self-help books
be willing to consider counselling at anything other than gunpoint.

I mean this seriously; in the main, blokes just do not do that stuff. Equally that is not an excuse for them to be generally rubbish at tending to their relationships and expect us to do it for them, but there is an uphill struggle to be had, there's no doubt about that. Every bloke I know who has been confronted with the possibilty of Relate has come up with some crappy excuse why it wouldn't work for them, in fact I have one friend who is actively avoiding a reconciliation with his wife because he knows it would involve counselling. How f*cked up is that.

The dyslexia I find less convincing; I wasn't aware that it had any impact on cognitive reasoning, just on reading and writing, but I'm preapared to be corrected on that. Part of my dh's condition is the oh-so-convenient 'fibrofog' where he cannot concentrate or express himself, and I know how frustrating it it to have to make allowances for an apparent disability which seems no more than the way most men act given half a chance.

Do not consider people outside you, dh and your children. The impact on other people is not a reason to stay married, but they are.

sanchpanch · 19/03/2006 20:40

hi so sorry to hear what you are going through, i went through similar last year with my ex dp, although he said he still loved me, but he didnt want to be with me anymore and he wanted a break, (how can you have a break when you have kids together)

I begged and pleaded for him to change his mind, but he said it had to be his decision and he would have to want to make it work for it to work.

This went on for 2 months, untill i found out he had been seen out at a bbq with a new girlfriend, 2 days before this BBq he was sat telling me he missed me and what we would do once we had sorted things out between us - lots of wonderful things.

So it turns out he was basically keeping me there in case things didnt work out between his new girl, he basically kept me hanging on saying he just need time and space etc.

I am not saying this is what your dh is doing but i would be careful, although hindsight is a wonderful thing, i could kick myself at the chances i had to check his phone etc while this was all going on, but because i didnt suspect anything i didnt even think of doing it,

You need to try and be true to yourself, because you deserve it, you cant live your life for him, things will only work out if he truley wants them to, you cant make him (believe me i tried all sorts to make him change his mind) if he will go to relate then great, at least you know you will have done all you could to give the marrige your best shot, if he doesnt want to go then go on your own i did, and i can honestly say it was the best thing i did,it made me much more positive and made me realise i wasnt to blame,

I guess all i am trying to say is that you cant save the marrige on your own it need's 2 of you to want to make it happen..

Best of luck

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:40

Thats a very stark assessment Beetroot, but it is fair to put it like that I guess.

I just cant imagine how life will continue if we split up though. In all likelyhood, we will both loose our jobs and home. (which has already happened once 5 years ago for reasons that were entirely not our fault). We moved here only a year ago. We live 200 miles away from friends and family.

I have absolutely no idea what direction life will take if dh decides in the negative.

:( :(

OP posts:

sanchpanch · 19/03/2006 20:44

what upsets me the most is why to they run when things get tough, and sometimes (i am not generlising) seek comfort with someone else,

Yeah things might not be great but why not say this and say we shall give it 6 months and if things still not great then ok we shall split, then at least you can say you tryed, rather than just running away...

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:45

Sandpach -"things will only work out if he truly wants them to"

Im trying to learn from that by deliberately holding off bothering to ask him questions etc. He needs to make his own mind up.

This is absolutely awful

Someone please tell me this hell will be over soon :( :(

OP posts:

madmarchhare · 19/03/2006 20:46

Its some time ago now and before DS, but DH (then DP) was having a bit of a crisis and came out with the classic 'Im going to have to think about us and I'll let you know' line.

I basically said that that wasnt good enough, youre a big boy, just get on with it or Im off anyway. Easier said than done with kids around but he did make a decision.

I dont think him making the decision now/next week/whenever is going to make a difference (long term) to what he is really feeling he needs to do. Get it out in the open now and if things need to be worked on in your relationship you can get on with it.

A bit garbled, but do you see what I mean?

collision · 19/03/2006 20:46

When is he going to let you know?

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 20:48

I have no idea Collision - I have been waiting four days now.

OP posts:

INLOVEWITHEXSQUADDIE · 19/03/2006 20:51

Busybee, i bet your confidence is in tatters right now. Has he had an affair?? I don't know what to say, do you have children?

mistressmiggins · 19/03/2006 20:53

hmmm I would say he is torturing you whether he means to or not....so give him an ultimatum

Do you love him / want the marriage to work?

If you do, tell him you want to work at the marriage etc but wont put up with this waiting game

If you dont/not sure, then tell him to make his mind up by tomorrow morning or leave.
Although it hurts like hell, at least the uncertainty disappears...

sanchpanch · 19/03/2006 20:53

my ex did move out during this time, i couldnt have him in the house because it was to awful, i remember the feelings well and really feel for you, its awful having to wait, when you know your future depends on it, but there isnt much you can do, if you have told him how you feel and what you want to happen then he knows, i told my ex so many times in the end he told me if i didnt tell him again for the next 10 years he would still know, and actully in the end he told me he was sick of hearing it all, thats when i told him to bog, off because that hurt me so much ,

vouge · 19/03/2006 20:59

you need to give him space to make his decision and try and be as together as you possibly can ...they feel threatened when we are in control of a situation,just get on with y0ur day 2 day things ..this will be hard but if u need to break down dont do it in front of him EVER !!!! they love to be the stronger partner so take that away from him show him you can do this alone,that often makes a man think twice ...say to yourself at least 10 times a day I CAN GET THROUGH THIS ......BE STRONG !!!!!!!

monkeytrousers · 19/03/2006 21:03

He obviously doesn't want to leave - if he did he would have done by now. If you want to CAT me do, and I can share some more of my experience of the similar situation I've been through. First off, don't despair. Being calm doesn't mean you don't care.

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 21:04

Thankyou for all the advice, even the stuff I dont like - Its all useful because it is helping me to assess the situation.

Please may I apologise to anyone who has asked questions that I havent answered. I am not deliberately ignoring you I promise. I am just really struggling to get my head round this.

OP posts:

Original poster

busybusybee · 19/03/2006 21:05

Monkey Trousers - I am CATing you now - Thankyou

OP posts:

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