Is MIL expecting too much or am I the problem?

[notagreathostess]

Since both losing her elderly father (who required quite a lot of care) and retiring from her part time job a year ago MIL now has a lot of time on her hands. She has decided she wants to spend more of it with us.

We are agreed that it would be nice to spend more time together but have very different circumstances. We have 4 DCs ranging from 14 to 4 months, DH is working 6 days most weeks and and we certainly do NOT have a lot of time spare!

At the moment MIL lives about 50 miles away, although as the road is poor it can take 1hr30 to do the journey each way. She is not a confident driver and refuses to come to us as a day trip. In the past we have always taken the time to drive over there as regularly as possible but with so many demands on our time it is hard to find many opportunities.

To us the obvious solution was for MIL to move closer to us. She no longer has any relatives near where she lives, and although she has plenty of friends they are often busy with their own families which MIL has said makes her sad about what she is missing out on. She is quite an outgoing person and we think she would be able to build up a social network here quite easily whilst also being close enough to us to drop in frequently, and us/the DCs on her. She has said she wants to travel with friends too - which we feel could easily be done from a base near us. MIL does not feel ready to do this and wishes to remain based where she currently is. Of course we understand this, BUT she is still insistent that she should see more of us...

Her preferred solution to this is extended 'holidays' near us. As we don't have room (us and 4 DCs in small 3 bed house) she would be staying in a local B&B and has suggested 2-4 week durations regularly through the year. Whilst she would not be sleeping in the house she would generally expect to be with us during waking hours. DH would be at work 5-6 days of the week (he has already taken several days leave to go on holiday with her this year) so the entertaining would fall to me. MIL isn't really the type to muck in and has zero experience of living in a big family, also I am not really an "open house" type of person - I need my space and privacy. I feel like this is an unfair expectation but am being made to feel, by MIL, that we are being very unwelcoming when we say we don't think it will work well for us.

I'm really not sure at this stage what to do? We're happy to carry on making the effort to go over there as often as realistically possible but that will not be an increase on the time MIL sees us. She is also very welcome to come over when we have a free day to join in on some family time or to meet halfway. When we have a free weekend (even rarer) she could come and stay then. Am I being completely unreasonable about these extended stays?

I'm really trying to see things from both sides. Although there are issues in our relationship (not going into detail here!) I do not want MIL to be lonely and I do want the kids to have the chance for a close relationship with her. DH is in full agreement with me but struggles to deal with the upset when MIL is told her plans do not work for us.

Hope I've posted in the right place - sorry if not. Also please be gentle with me - I am aware that I am not perfect

sorry so long

I know this is not in AIBU, but that is essentially what you're asking...

And in my opinion, YANBU! I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all, particularly as you say she is not a ' mucker inner', but will need entertaining/cooking for etc.

That being said, I'm not sure how you resolve it. Not that helpful, but you have my sympathies. Hopefully someone will be along with something more constructive soon!

She needs to develop her own life rather than being so dependent upon you. It sounds like she isn't there yet but may well be naturally in the near future. I would give her time to find her feet.

How is she with computers ? What about skype ? (Think thats what I mean, when u can see each other.) That way she could have more "contact", what about emails ? Could your older child/children spend time with her during school holidays ? Letters ? Phonecalls ? I used to love getting letters from my grandma when younger.

Thanks for the feedback - I really appreciate you each taking the time to read and post. We have used skype on occasion and the two older children do each go and spend a week with her (seperately) in school hols. I'd say that's part of the "baseline" contact which she wants to increase.

As I said in the OP we're happy to increase it too but in a way that we can easily integrate into our lives (however selfish that may sound) as, unlike her, our circumstances have not changed to increase our spare time.

I have a little experience of this as DH and I live in Australia and our families live in the UK, so they come to stay for extended periods (normally 3-5 weeks).

I sound very similar to you, I like my own space, a bit of peace now and then and some privacy, I would feel like this whoever was coming, even a best friend.

I find it quite hard when they come to visit as my whole life is suddenly expected to revolve around them and I normally have quite a full and busy life with my DS. I'm obviously grateful that they come and I do like them, but the full on nature of these visits is quite draining. My DH also works quite long hours as well.

If I were you, I would resist the extended stay idea, but maybe could she come for more periods for shorter times? I would love it if we could do this, but obviously the distance makes that impossible.

Yes, shorter and more frequent is what we would love. We used to live abroad, and like you, Ozzie, had no choice but to do the extended stays. I guess that now I feel it shouldn't really be necessary as we are relatively nearby. Also it's the frequency. When we were abroad we would see both families for a 2-3 week(ish) chunk once a year. Not as much as we would have liked but the best solution in the situation.

MIL seems to want that several times a year in addition to going away with us and seeing us "now and again". I just feel it's too much for me.

I'm very open to more contact..but on a cup of tea now and again, walking the dog type basis which is only really feasible if she decides to relocate. I'm also a little bit upset as she has suggested Christmas and New Year as being a good time for one of these 2-4 week stays. We would already plan to invite her for Xmas, but for 2-3 days as we would like time to see my family too (not local to us either) and time for the six of us together at some point.

Also I don't mean it to sound like we never see her at the moment - we do, but she has brought up this desire to spend more time with us more recently and this is where the difference of opinion comes in!

Oh, meant to say - yes, I guess it is an AIBU but I'm not brave enough for that! Also thanks again - it's really useful to see the issue from other angles

The solution is going to be finding ways to combat her loneliness & boredom that don't involve your family all the time. The 'plenty of friends' you mention could be the key, as could getting her enrolled in hobbies, courses, trips abroad, dating ... all the usual things that retired people get up to. I also think you have to be honest with her and explain (gently) that, much as you'd love to, you haven't the time to be with her as much as she'd like and that you think it would be healthier for everyone if she had other interests and knocked around more with people her own age. Good luck

Well you said that her father has only just died, which presumably took up a lot of her time, so maybe she'll settle down as time passes?

I do sympathise, however nice someone is, it's hard to incorporate a lot of visits and trips into an otherwise busy life.

Can you say about Christmas that you would obviously love to see her but you're also seeing your family?

Also, when mine come and stay I often just have to say "tomorrow I have swimming and am seeing some friends so I'll see you the next day" - I kind of operate under the assumption that they can look after themselves for a bit too.

How would it work if you had a frank (ish) chat and said "we would love to see you more, but as we have a very busy life, could you initially come for 5 nights (say thur to mon so your DH is there too) but do this once every 2 months, and we'll also keep up the skype and we'll come to you for a day trip/weekend trip in between?"

That sounds like loads without having 2 whole weeks stretching away from you....

I find that pussyfooting around doesn't really help. I think you need to need say kindly and firmly that you can't go with this plan and stick to it.

Her own independent life wherever she lives needs to be strongly encouraged.

I think her idea that she will spend more time with you, regardless of how much time you have to spare, really odd.

It's all a bit unilateral and bossy.

That's not how relationships work - you don't just announce that you are going to be spending more time with someone and expect them to accommodate that.

She has more free time now. You do not.

If she's at a loose end she needs to fill her time without creating complicated arrangements for your family.

I think the message needs to be that you are not responsible for her increased free time or how she spends it, that you are happy to see more if her, but that it will be on the same terms as before because your circumstances haven't changed.

She is welcome to come for more frequent visits, but if she stays near you for weeks at a time she must entertain herself for a good part of it and not consider herself your guest.

You are going to have to be firm. And explain that whilst she may have a lot of spare time you and your family dont and if she was to do these extended holidays then she would have to fit in with your plans and not expect you to be on beck and call.

It is a hard one as like you say you feel sorry for your mil and dont want her to be lonely but you simply cannot accommodate the demands on your time.

Yes - I think another open and honest conversation is going to have to occur. It's just so hard when she sees it as a rejection. I know Christmas will be a problem as she's still upset that she only stayed with us for 3 days last year as we had other commitments. Having said that I did not attend my own family's get together on boxing day in favour of spending it with MIL which makes me quite sad - especially when I'm then guilt-tripped about how inadequate it was.

I think DH is really sad she won't consider moving to us - we could easily see her for a few hours here and there throughout the week without losing out on our own time for us. It really felt like that would be the best answer but she has totally rejected that for now.

Regarding classes etc she does do these things, as well as travelling and spending time with her friends, and I think that's why she won't consider moving nearer. I guess I feel she needs to accept that she can't have it all ways. Personally I think that if she did move over it would not prevent her going away with friends, having them over to stay etc and she could build up a new social circle here as she is quite outgoing. That said, it's not my choice/life and I respect her desire to stay put, but I can't really see that we can be expected to create the time for her to incorporate us into her freetime the way she suggests.

Any ideas how to explain that these visits are not as easy for us as she thinks they are without causing offense?

2-3 days at a time - fine. But a couple of weeks, i do agree with you, would be too much. You need time on your own too. How often do you think you can visit her? Are you are able to go and visit her once a week or once every two weeks? That would be more reasonable i think as she is on her own and obviously has some friends nearby.

Are you sure she is planning to spend all day with you on these visits? maybe she is trying to sus out whether she would like to move to the area?

little and often would be my advice. Staying near you for a long weekend every now and then would be preferably than a long block of staying a couple of times a year. Tell her you could devote more time to her if her visits were short but regular. Having just spent almost 3 weeks living with the in-laws (they are not English and don't live in the UK) I can say a long stay with almost anyone is difficult, and I'd say I am easy going!

I think she's quite right to stay where she is if she has an active social life.

Social networks are not as easily replaced as you seem to imagine. She would be giving up a great deal to move close to people who, ultimately, are too busy to see much of her.

Whether she gets offended by what you have to say is not something you can control. Just be honest with her.

She has her life and you have yours. You all have to live your lives as best you can based on the phase of life you're at.

It is outrageously mean of her to expect to get all of your attention for weeks at Christmas at the expense of the other side of your family.

Unfortunately every week or two is much too much for us as it would mean giving up most of DH's days off so we'd be very low on time for us alone. It's also difficult/exhausting organizing taking all the kids that regularly and hard on the littler ones to sit in their car seats for 3 hours each visit. As MIL is the one with the free time and we are not I can't help but feel that if she wants to see us more she needs to be prepared to make some effort rather than expecting it of us, however harsh that may sound.

Whilst I am trying to be very sensitive to her needs I think I do find the unilateral expectation unfair.

From past stays I'd be suprised if she's expecting to do her own thing but she is convinced that she's not any work at all though, and I don't know how to correct that without causing offense. Definitely not sussing out the area - she's flat refused considering a move when we've suggested even a trial in a rented house.

Seems like we need to be upfront about this. Reassuring that people don't seem to think I'm being horrendously selfish though.

I do appreciate the value of her local network and her reluctance to move, it's just the fact that she doesn't seem to see that that may necessitate making compromises regarding seeing us. It's also not that we'd have no time for her if she moved nearer, but where we can easily spare an hour or two here and there for her full weekends are less plentiful and full fortnights not really do-able.

Again,it looks like we need to be firm when suggesting shorter visits etc.

Forgot to say - thanks to all for the advice, here's hoping we can get the point across without causing too much upset.

It is tricky. I see her point entirely about not wanting to move, but at the same time I can't help feeling it will become clear it is the best long-term solution, even if it doesn't have to happen for a while. Sorry to cast gloom, but the drive is only going to get more difficult for her, and the distance is only going to assume more and more significance. If she moves fairly soon while she's still healthy and active she will have a good shot at building a new network.

My nan point blank refused to move in similar circumstances, and held out for my parents moving closer to her for literally thirty years (for various reasons, which she refused to accept, this was totally out of the question), and in the end she had to move when she was long past being able to make a go of it. It was very sad.

MadBusLady- I agree that it's going to become more not less of a problem and MIL has already indicated that she does expect to move closer in the future when it's harder for her to cope alone practically. Like you, I feel that it's better to bite the bullet now whilst she is relatively young (63) and fit and active as she would stand the best chance of rebuilding her network whilst at the same time enjoying time with our DCs whilst they are still young.

That said I do appreciate the point upthread that sociaol networks are very important and maybe not so easy to reestablish.

I absolutely think you have to stick to your guns. Honestly, we were in a similar situation, not a MIL but a friend/employee needed somewhere to stay and we were the obvious choice. Thankfully we came up with a suitable solution that did not involve him staying with us and I am so pleased because I later learned that he was even more of a high maintenence house guest than I had anticipated. It is so important that you set the tone of your own home and if you are like me and require space and privacy then a visitor of any sort for that amount of time can only be an additional stress. It is not your job to fulfill your mil's life and you have offered many solutions that would work for you. Also, I am realising that the more high maintence relatives are the stricter and more obvious boundaries they need. Be strong and good luck!

But an hour or two here or there, while delightful for family lucky enough to live nearby, is not really enough of a reason to relocate away from your friends.

The idea that she should uproot her life so you can more easily slot her into your lives is madness.

You need to see how you can maximise time together while you all get to live your own lives to the fullest.

She seems to place very little importance on your lives and the other important claims on your time, and you seem to do the same to her.

Also, you seem way too accepting of the fact that she has a right to be pissed off if you are not free to see her at her convenience.

If she's stropping because her son, who works 6 days a week, and his family of four children (including a teenager), have busy lives and don't have time to entertain her for weeks at a time, then she's being unreasonable.

Just don't engage with it.

Evaluate the reasonableness of what you have to say, and once you are happy you are being fair say it without apology.

I wouldn't want mil living nearer me. The theory that you will call in a few hours a couple of times a week is a big assumption. It might be that but it could be that she pops in every day on her way to and from the shops/the church/ the bingo etc. EVen with a new circle of friends she will still have alot of hours a day on her own.

You are in a difficult position but surely she can't expect you to entertain her over a fortnight several times a year. She would have to continue her own life eg buying her morning paper, going for a walk for a bit of exercise whatever she normally does.

Coming a few days at a time sounds better, certainly to start with, I think she might find that she doesn't much like living in someone else's house to someone else's rules for a long stretch (even if she is in a B&B) especially with noisy DCs around.

Could you put her to good use give her jobs to do, can she babysit some nights so you can go out. Can she do stuff with older DCs, cinema etc. Can she cook the odd meal because you are doing something else. If you are off out doing something else you won't feel she is under your feet so much. You might be able to turn this to your advantage.