Is MIL expecting too much or am I the problem?

[notagreathostess]

Since both losing her elderly father (who required quite a lot of care) and retiring from her part time job a year ago MIL now has a lot of time on her hands. She has decided she wants to spend more of it with us.

We are agreed that it would be nice to spend more time together but have very different circumstances. We have 4 DCs ranging from 14 to 4 months, DH is working 6 days most weeks and and we certainly do NOT have a lot of time spare!

At the moment MIL lives about 50 miles away, although as the road is poor it can take 1hr30 to do the journey each way. She is not a confident driver and refuses to come to us as a day trip. In the past we have always taken the time to drive over there as regularly as possible but with so many demands on our time it is hard to find many opportunities.

To us the obvious solution was for MIL to move closer to us. She no longer has any relatives near where she lives, and although she has plenty of friends they are often busy with their own families which MIL has said makes her sad about what she is missing out on. She is quite an outgoing person and we think she would be able to build up a social network here quite easily whilst also being close enough to us to drop in frequently, and us/the DCs on her. She has said she wants to travel with friends too - which we feel could easily be done from a base near us. MIL does not feel ready to do this and wishes to remain based where she currently is. Of course we understand this, BUT she is still insistent that she should see more of us...

Her preferred solution to this is extended 'holidays' near us. As we don't have room (us and 4 DCs in small 3 bed house) she would be staying in a local B&B and has suggested 2-4 week durations regularly through the year. Whilst she would not be sleeping in the house she would generally expect to be with us during waking hours. DH would be at work 5-6 days of the week (he has already taken several days leave to go on holiday with her this year) so the entertaining would fall to me. MIL isn't really the type to muck in and has zero experience of living in a big family, also I am not really an "open house" type of person - I need my space and privacy. I feel like this is an unfair expectation but am being made to feel, by MIL, that we are being very unwelcoming when we say we don't think it will work well for us.

I'm really not sure at this stage what to do? We're happy to carry on making the effort to go over there as often as realistically possible but that will not be an increase on the time MIL sees us. She is also very welcome to come over when we have a free day to join in on some family time or to meet halfway. When we have a free weekend (even rarer) she could come and stay then. Am I being completely unreasonable about these extended stays?

I'm really trying to see things from both sides. Although there are issues in our relationship (not going into detail here!) I do not want MIL to be lonely and I do want the kids to have the chance for a close relationship with her. DH is in full agreement with me but struggles to deal with the upset when MIL is told her plans do not work for us.

Hope I've posted in the right place - sorry if not. Also please be gentle with me - I am aware that I am not perfect

You have to fundamentally change the way you deal with MIL, because it is madness to deal with things the same way as you have always done, whilst expecting a different outcome. You will always get the same results if you approach things in the same way as as before. And it sounds as if things keep on repeating themselves here, every time she comes to visit.

I think you need to have two separate conversations.

Conversation no1 "With four kids now including a new baby, we simply do not have time for ourselves, let alone doing social stuff. Our own social life is non-existent and it will be a long time until we have any spare time at all to do anything other than chase our own tails looking after the kids and house. That means that if you are here, you will need to muck in and help us in day to day stuff, not expect us to take time out to entertain because it's simply the wrong stage in our lives, no matter how much we'd like to. Can you think about what ways you'd like to help us whilst you are here? That way we can plan the trips without feeling guilty about bringing you all the way here when we can't entertain you at this end"

Conversation no2 "Life is really stressful now. The older kids in particular need lots of positive vibes as I think they feel a little left out now baby is here. It's really important that we all stay relentlessly cheerful, and you need to buy into that. If you're unhappy about anything can you please have a think about what the solutions could be to any problems you see, and suggest those solutions, because I'm hardly able to work out my left and right these days so am a bit slow at working out the right solutions, and having you come up with ideas to keep us all happy would be great.

Both very positive conversations, but both pass responsibility firmly onto the MIL. Both give her boundaries, and both set out expectations. Then you need to suck it and see.

If she moans, you can point out that it's her responsibility to come up with ideas. If her ideas are all around making her life easier whilst piling the shit up at your door then you need to listen to her suggestions politely and simply say "Only one of us has spare time in our lives and I'm simply not able to fit that in as well without going a bit barking, so can you bear with it or do something differently yourself to help fix this?"

If she goes all negative or critical on you then you need to say "Please can you stop being negative. We love you to bits and you know that, but the more negative you are the less the kids will want you deeply involved in their lives"

If she does nothing to help then sit her down and ask her how she wants to help now she's here. If she says that she's here to visit, not help, then you tell her that you already have four children and a hard-working husband to look out for, and that's more than you can deal with right now as it is, so she can't expect you to look after her needs as well, but hope she can help look after your needs because that's what you need right now.

You can't fundamentally change a grown woman, but you can change the way you deal with her and the way you interact with her. Just because she's 63 doesn't mean she's a grown-up. If she acts like a child you have to deal with her as if she is a child - coach, set boundaries, work out your own strategies for dealign with it and only have realistic expectations.

Simply telling her not to come isn't going to solve anything, and you know that.