My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

What do you think her budget would be and what sort of work does your DH do?

God I can feel the desperation coming from your posts. My Granny lived with my parents (and us as we were younger) and it put a huge strain on my parents, and she was in no way demanding. The fact that you are living in "her" house means theres a big hold over you, whether its ever spoken about or not. I can see this in my own life, and I often think people would be better off living in a shack than someone elses house. Could your brother go over to you and see if you can come up with something between you? If you told him you just can't cope anymore with it all what would he do?

And no matter how horrible and depressing this all is, remember the fact that you seem to have an absolutely fabulous, caring, loving husband who wants to stay with you through thick and thin and you WILL work it out x

your husband is right, she IS being manipulative and blackmailing.
I think you need to sit down with him and explain that you are scared of her, she makes you feel guilty and terrible and has always been able to do so since a child. Explain that you want to be with him, that you are desperately trying to think of solutions to the problem but everything keeps being thrown back in your face - that she is using every technique in the book to play you, and that you simply dont know what to do.
Level with him that you dont want to live with her, that you acknowledge that she is trying to drive a wedge through you, so that the two of you can take a united stance to deal with this. Maybe see whether HE is willing to be the spokesperson. She has already decided she doesnt like him (probably because she cannot manipulate him, plus she sees you are loyal to him and that is a block against getting you to do what she wants)
She WILL split your marriage up if you allow it. Please please read Toxic Parents, and look at that Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers website. It looks as if noone else will tolerate her behaviour.
Just out of interest, how did she injure her back? Just seems very convenient.
And what happened to the money from your house sale - was that sunk into your business?
TBH I think that moving back to the UK and leaving the life you have built would be very sad. I dont suppose you asked your mum to move out near you, and she doesnt like it, but you do. why should you give up your life to live somewhere which she will inevitably choose? Why pass the control to her.
Is there ANY way you can stay with other family or friends- maybe others in a similar financial situation would house share? I think leaving her is one issue, her return to the UK another, and you can offer to help her with the latter, but the first one is a decision for you and your husband. She has effectively made it impossible to stay. I also think the very act of making a decision to choose, very clearly, your usband and family over her, would be good for you. (though read the pages on narcissistic rage carefully before you do, as you will need to be prepared, though you have seen it already when she stormed off before, or everytime she takes to her bed)

I've checked her browsing history on the family computer and the "horrible little house" she would "buy for me" looks to be between 100,000 pounds and 150,000. All I can think is if she would sell here and buy maybe an assisted living place and then we could move near and maybe get a mortgage later once on our feet. The thought of uprooting the dcs and leaving the place I've lived for 12 years and been happy, where my friends are, and above all telling my lovely MIL we're taking her grandchildren away, makes me want to cry it really does. MIL and PIL will be devastated. God, I hate all of this. I wish she'd never ever come. She wanted to live with me then, you know but I put my foot down and said no. If I didn't know better I'd almost think she planned it all.

Is your mum housebound by her condition? If not, try and structure the days a bit more formally so that they aren't getting in each other's way - e.g. agree that your DH will do the afternoons and your mum will do bedtimes, and whoever's not on duty makes an effort to get out of the house. If your mum is housebound, see if she can spend the afternoons resting/reading/watching TV in her room, while DH actively entertains the children or takes them out.

Finances are very complex, as is everything else.
My parents divorced very acrimoniously (he was a gambling, sometimes violent alcoholic) when I was mid teens. He then died about 7 years ago, leaving a flat and some debts. My brother and I inherited about 50,000 each. We put that money together and bought a flat on the coast here, with some extra money from my mother. It's in my brother's name.
My mother helped me buy a house here, giving me about the 50,000 I'd invested into the flat in my brother's name. I had a mortgage. I sold the house to move in with her and came out pretty much with my 50,000 intact. My mother then put in her will that I was to inherit her house on her death and my brother has the flat. But the flat is worth less than the house, so the idea was I would give him some of my money and she would save money for him in her lifetime so that on her death he's not left with a flat worth, say 160,000 euros and me sitting in a house worth 220,000.
So, I do actually have money in the bank, but it's always been mentally filed away as not to be touched in case I need to give it to my brother. Does that make any sense?
What I'm thinking now is that if the flat is sold, my brother has his money, she sells this house and buys something in the UK and I use my money, which certainly wouldn't be more than my brother would get for the flat, to do whatever.
that was probably way too much detail.

DH has warehouse, delivery type expereince, but only a few years. He's trying to organise a fork lift truck driving course.
I could teach EFL, try to reboot freelance translation or try to get a job in materials development with an EFL publisher, saw one advertised in Cambridge recently.

It seems that your mother, by involving her house and a will on her death, has managed to tie up all the money and taken control of it all, irrespective of what you or your brother might want now. That inheritance is yours to do with what you want. Your mum sounds so controlling that I dont think I would hold out on inheritance - she may yet need to sell it to pay for care if she becomes sick. The only money you should be counting on is what you have in the bank. you could upset her and she changes her will. She could meet a toy boy and leave it all to him. She could decide anything, and with her manipulations she is likely to hold it over you, as she has you all thinking that she holds all the cards.
How far away is the flat on the coast. Is it in an ex pat type place? If it is I would wonder whether there are carers around who could come and help her if she went there.
Or could you go and stay there?

That money in the bank is your freedom. Use it to get out of the trap you are in.

Your family deserves a chance of happiness.

This reminds me of a recent thread.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/a1631668-Mum-who-revels-in-health-issues-now-possibly-ill-I-just-need-to-talk-about-this#35883758

Not that you have suggested your mother revels in her health issues, but there is similar controlling behaviour, passive aggression and manipulation.

And I suspect that she is going to prove very difficult to pin down as to where she wants to live. You are giving her too much control. I think you really need to stop thinking about going to the UK with her - its going to be same shit, different place if you do

link here

And how did she injur her back? has she had scans, etc?

This sounds like an awful situation and your M ('DM' hardly seems appropriate) sounds like the reincarnation of my late GM, who put my mother through a lot of this stuff, although thankfully not in another country. What worked for my mother and it did cost was getting a live in carer and then being able to disengage from the situation a little (she is an only child but had agreed this with my Dad, who made the whole thing work financially and was also adamant his MIL was not moving in with them).

My DM still had to make regular visits, be moaned at constantly on the phone and be the support for the carer, but at least she knew her mother was eating and being looked after. My GM did end up in a care home eventually but some years later than would otherwise have been the case.

I also have a friend who had to persuade her mother who was about your M's age and suffering Multiple Sclerosis, divorced, very angry and depressed, that she would have to consider some sort of supported living. Once the dust settled her DM did find some company and support at the care home and agreed it was better than how things had been before and their relationship recovered a little.

Where you are living, a helper/live in helper would not cost so much as in the UK with the employment situation being what it is? And could your brother contribute? I'd give your M that as one alternative, the other being that she moves back to assisted living in the UK (where she would be entitled to better health and social care anyway). I don't see why you should have to leave -- she made the decision to join you overseas in the first place.

Alternatively, if it is a big house and you are in a tourist area is there a possibility of renting 'your' part of it as a holiday apartment, bringing in some cash? (I quite see selling houses in Southern Europe must be very difficult at the moment).

Your DH sounds like he is making the best of a very trying situation and I can see why he wouldn't want to leave his own parents given their ages and warm relationship with the DC.

You sound at the end of your rope and your M sounds very, very difficult. I hope you can come up with a plan, with your DB's help. I also agree with posters above that if there is money saved then for goodness' sake come up with a plan with DB to use it in a way that's helpful now if that's possible.

From what you've said you don't want to leave where you are now.
Your dh doesn't want to leave.
Your PILs don't want you to leave.
Your dcs would not benefit from leaving.

Returning to the uk would be extremely difficult. I'm not sure if you'd be eligible for benefits but it wouldn't be clear cut at least. Currently your dh as an EU national coming to live in the UK has to pass a 'right to reside' test meaning they are not eligible to claim income based benefits such as income based JSA. Plus you as a UK citizen would voluntarily be leaving a job so would not be eligible for JSA either. Housing allowance (if you got it) is capped which would mean you would only be able to afford to live in less affluent areas with higher levels of unemployment.

Economic times are tough here. Your dh is considering forklift/warehouse work. Last week I spoke to a warehouse employer who had closed his job vacancy early after receiving over 80 applications for a basic forklift role. There are some TEFL jobs but the great majority are part time and seasonal only. There are a lot fewer students here than there used to be and language schools are struggling (not helped by Dave Cam making student visas a lot harder to get).

Everything you write shouts that you don't want to leave but you are considering it to mollify your mother. Please think very carefully.

Op. You have a way out of this and you are choosing to stay? Why? As I said before your mother would easily find someone to provide the care she needs. I am presuming, as she lived alone before, she has a pension. There are people that would jump at the chance to provide her with the care and support she needs for free accomodation.
You could live reasonably close by.
Why are you choosing to put your poor husband through this?? You have enough money to to support your family for quite a few years. Yet you are choosing to make your husband unhappy. You are being very selfish.

Olgaga wrote that I was living off her and taking the piss, sometimes I wonder if i am being unfair on her

Well I didn't mean it to sound so stark, but it does rather seem to me that the money issues are clouding your judgement. Can't you just take the money you have in the bank and leave the rest to your DM and DB to sort out?

There's no point carrying on like this if you're going to end up hating your DM, despite the financial benefits you have enjoyed through living with her. Let's face it, that's why you still have money in the bank.

Would your husband like to come to the UK and find work? Or go to another part of Spain to find work? Why can't you tell your mum you need to buy yourselves a family home of your own? Let her make her own decisions about her living arrangements - obviously help her to consider her options.

It seems to me you have plenty of choices. The real problem is you're quite happy living with your mum, because it suits you all in terms of finance and convenience. If only she wasn't such a pain in the arse!

It's your choice isn't it. Stay with her and put up with it, or move out and bear the financial burden of housing your family yourselves.

Agree with Olgaga. It does seem that you have alot more choices than you initially said. It really is not a hopeless situation. You have options. You can stay in Spain. So can she. Though I am sure once you and you DH and Dcs move to a little place of your own, having put care in place for her, your Mother will realise she has lost all control and move back to the UK.
You just have to put your Dh first, be brave. You are the one who has control. Not her.

I don't think she could manage here on her own, that's why we moved in in the first place. Last night she said I was driving her to suicide. I think she may just stop speaking to me altogether. She says I hate her, I told her I love her but she has to let DH do the parenting. She says he does nothing, but then if he says, right DS with me then she says you're taking my grandson. She's been on rightmove and says she can't get anything decent for herself even with selling this house, and then how would she manage on her own as she can't drive, shop or cook? I don't have enough to buy and looks like I wouldn't get benefits either.
I mentioned assisted living if she wanted to back and she said I wanted to put her in a home.
I do understand she's miserable but I can't undermine my husband (who is a good dad) about him not doing things to her satisfaction everytime she gets down about her health and living situation.
If I take the money and leave her she can't get food in or cook, she can't clean the house (it's 4 bedrooms). I can't just abandon her.

If DH were workuing then we would probably have to have someone in for an hour two to put the kids to bed, then at least it wouldn't be DH she'd be complaining about.

And I am putting up with it, but I can't do what she wants, i.e tell my DH off for things she doesn't like and that one day apparently are fine and the next are not, or try to constantly disentangle things she's up in arms about that never happened cos she misheard, when I'm not even here to know what is going on anyway.

Can you use your money to do some internal restructuring of your house so that your mothers area is a totally separate space. With locks. Then she can't keep interfering with your DHs parenting, and your DCs can't just wander in to granny. Then, if she wanted to see the children they could go to visit, and if you needed her to babysit (so DH could spend time job hunting online) she could be invited over with the full knowledge that she would esokecare for that agreed time.

Esokecare is meant to say be sole carer

She absolutely would be fine back in the UK. There's online shopping, meals on wheels , a variety of schemes the disabled can use which will take them places. You're driving her to suicide she says. Stop and think about that one, would you ever in any circumstances say that to one of your children?

Parents often rewrite history and always in their favour. My MIL did the I've raised 4 children on my own with no help - forgot she lived with her parents for the first few years and said she didn't know what should do without them. My Mum was telling me when my brother and I were little she had no time to watch TV and anyway my father hogged it. Reality was he wasn't home till 7. At 6pm every night she sat on arse to watch the News and wouldn't be moved.

I guess she enjoys gardening. Funny how she can do light gardening but not cook. My FIL is 86 and living on his own in Spain. He has paid help to help him with the bits he can't do in his flat he moved into with MIL when she was still alive as they realised the house nd garden would become of much. Everyone ls is settled , just your Mum who is really manipulating you. My mother pulled the well I'll just have to look at going to a Home when she pulled the you're not helping me card when I was trying to get her to see she was capable of doing things ( she now isn't and has carers but this was some way back). I just calmly said 'ok shall we look at some' and she soon changed her tune. Do not engage and do not believe that the only solution is you looking after her. Step back and imagine you were advising a friend in her position.