My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Right, is there any way you could move out? Never mind her side of it for just now. Ignore her and concentrate on your own finances. Could you get somewhere to live for your family? Could you move in with your PIL/other family? Has your DH got any ideas?

I know she needs help to live on her own, but you can't carry on like this. You sound desperate. You can carry on giving her support from a distance, if you want, but you have to move out.

Are you sure she couldn't fly using the assistance schemes? It is a very short flight and she would be driven to and from the plane.

DB rents a flat but he shares, I've never been but I don't think she could live there. He's not in Britain, he's in Ireland.
You know, she lies. She accuses DH of lying but she does too. I was saying to her recently that the kids play up a bit at bedtime the nights I'm home and it gets me down..I don't see them at bedtime 4 nights a week and then when I'm around they get silly and over excited and end up with (a bit of) crying just at bedtime. She agreed that they're generally as good as gold when I'm not there, i.e for DH but now she's says there's wailing and shouting every bedtime. I also said I didn't think it was fir to criticise DH's parenting when she's not even in the room. He's in the bathroom with them and she's in another room. So she can't see what happens or even hear properly (and she's a bit deaf) and he's talking to them in another language, so she misunderstands things and then criticises, she said I was calling her liar and senile.
She says DH ignores the children when they have their tea. They sit at the table and watch about 40 mins of octonauts etc while eating. DH sits in the room, but they're watching and it's in English so he doesn't say much. she claimed he was ignoring DS's request for a yoghurt and so DS went to get it himself. DH says he told him quietly in his language to wait til his sister had finished. She says that's an out and out lie. It's all so fucking petty. Then when I say I don't want to talk about it, he's a good dad and I trust him and don't want a fight she says she can't believe I'm so uninterested in my children's welfare.
Sorry, have nobody to talk to about it. I sometimes think I'm going mad, maybe I'm really awful to her and taking the piss, maybe DH is actually the opposite of what I thought???

If you don't get out you will go mad.

Can't you go stay with friends or relatives for a bit?

Sorry, I must be terribly frustrating..feel paralysed. I think she could live OK in an assisted living place. I wouldn't even mind going back to the UK in some ways, would miss my friends and my life (of 12 years) here, but DH would probably have more chance of work and I would have more possibilities. She can dress herself, wash herself, do some very light gardening, she has a fireplace in her room and does the (wood burning) fire. She can put washing in the machine and hang it out, empty the dishwasher. Can't cook much as can't stand for long enough, can't drive cos of nerve damage to the foot. Can't sit for long or stand/walk for long.
Has good and bad days. Currently has terrible dry eye and can see/read/watch TV much.
Can't move in with Pil, they live in a little flat. They are 80 and 81, would kill them for us to move away with Dcs but Dh would do it if I asked him to.

You're not going mad. Trust in yourself and your DH - he sounds like he's trying hard in a very difficult situation. You aren't being awful to her. She's being awful to you!

When I get paralysed by guilt and anxiety, I imagine my DD in my position, and think what advice I would give her.

It's just that Olgaga wrote that I was living off her and taking the piss, sometimes I wonder if i am being unfair on her.

argh, baby awake...have to go. Thanks for listening. Will try to get back on later.

I don't know what to suggest, but I really hope you find a way through it all soon.

I am frequently 'piggy in the middle' between my mum and DH, albeit different circumstances, and I know only too well how horrible and exhausting it can be.

FWIW I would have a good look into your options re moving back to the UK, as although you are reluctant, it does seem that if this is financially viable it could be a better option in lots of ways - separate living, more support for your mum, better job prospects.

Another thing to consider - you are the main breadwinner now, but with your mum's health as it is, what will happen if it worsens and she needs care? Your DH doing it would presumably be a non-starter, which would mean you'd have to pay someone (I'm assuming there's no welfare state where you are) on your single wage or give up work to care for her.

We might all moan about the NHS but the UK definitely has its advantages on that score.

I think my DH would divorce me if I moved in with my mother.
Just come back to the UK, rent something, our economy is picking up and there's more jobs. Move to a cheap area of the UK.

I have to say your brother sounds as much use as a chocolate teapot - shame you can't pack her off to him for a few weeks and see if it helps him come up with some constructive suggestions!

I think my DH would divorce me if I moved in with my mother.

I know mine would (but then so would I if the situation was reversed!)

I remember when my brother was here a while ago and she was giving me a hard time about something and he told her to get her beak out, that it wasn't her place. Can't remember what it was about. DH says she's manipulating me and blackmailing me, and that the whole household spins around her moods...if she's in a good mood all is well, if she's in a bad mood then all hell breaks loose.

Well at least he stands up for you when he's there. Could he help with researching a possible move back to the UK?

This might sound childish but if she turns it into a "taking sides" situation when you say you don't want to talk about things, have you tried responding with "Well if he ignored DS's request for a yoghurt I have no option but to divorce him immediately and return to the UK".

Sort of not engaging but also highlighting the pettiness at the same time.

She's on rightmove now. in answer to pp she has a brother in n america and has't spoken to her sister in years after a row. i think she'd do that to me too

Get away from her sweetheart shes sucking the life out of you and your family.
Put your marriage and sanity before her, its the only way. She is poison, sorry to be blunt but its true. Your DH will only take so much and who could blame him for . ? Surely your husband and children should come first. You have bent over backwards to accomodate her. ENOUGH !

If shes on rightmove call her bluff?

She said if she sells this house she could buy me a "horrible little house" but there would be nothing for her. I said I didn't want her money, if she wanted to sell then it was her money and any purchase would be for her. Then a bit later she said I wouldn't get housing anyway or it might only be b and b. I said I didn't know and now She's gone back to bed with "a migraine from worrying about it all"

emotional blackmail again!!!!!

God it sounds awful but reading between the lines you're trying very hard to placate your dm and perhaps in the process undermining your dh? Imagine living with a MIL who constantly bitched and criticised you. You would expect 100% support from your dh. He must feel fairly pissed off with the whole thing. What does he want to happen next?

Have you tried sitting down with both dh and dm and openly explaining that for you, the current situation is not working because you are being expected to take sides. Explain very clearly in short sentences that you trust your dh. That you do not want to hear criticisms of his parenting style and that you will no longer listen to any reports about so-called bad parenting. Explain too that if your dm wants to move back to the Uk you will do everything to support her that you can. But that if she wants to stay then she has to accept that things will not always be done her way.

Then the hard part - you will have to stick rigidly to the rules. If dm starts grumbling just repeat calmly I won't listen to complaints ' Repeat ad nauseam. If she sulks -ignore. If she tells you you don't care about your children repeat mantra. Do not rise to any stories about dh's slack-dadness. Repeat mantra. Accept that when he is with the dcs he makes the rules and if that involves too much time on the computer that is his choice.

Wishing you the best.

good msg slambang!

I think you do need to sit down with your DH and ask him if he would like to move back to the UK, look for work and try to build a life without living with your mother. I bet he'd bite your hand off. You feel paralysed because she's taking away your options, if it wasn't for her, of course you'd go where work was.

Can you afford to send your DH back to the UK to look for work then follow him. If your mother can do some light housework and gardening, but not shopping and cooking, you could arrange to get something near her (you'd probably end up in B&B to start with until you can find a place to rent, that doesn't have to be dire though) - arrange food to be delivered (honestly, if you haven't been in the UK for 12 years you probably don't realise how much easier it is to get all your food delivered now) and if close enough to where you are living, arrange to go round with meals cooked that she just needs to pop in the oven (or she could pay someone).

It seems impossible because your mum is controlling your household and you feel like you have to put her first to avoid her being in a bad mood, but you need to see she's not the most important person in your life by a long way. If you didn't live with her any more her mood swings wouldn't matter anymore. Imagine how much better your life would be without them...

DH says he'd feel awful about leaving his elderly parents (80 and 81), his dad isn't in great health, he's an only child and the dcs are their only grandchildren (we see them every week) but that he'll go where I want, he wants to be with me above all and he'll support me in whatever I want to do. He never says anything against her but I know he hates all this. I would.
Where in the UK is not awful and deprived and there would be some chance of work, but house prices aren't too awful? I was thinking if she could sell here nd buy, maybe later I could get a mortgage and buy near her.