My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Please understand this is NOT about you, your behaviour, your H, your situation or your finances, this is about control.

She is intent onthe destruction of your family unit, so that she can keep you where she wants you which is dependant on her and stuck.

If you won the euro millions tomorrow, employed a team of staff and had a house made for he from solid gold bricks, it'd not be enough.

The twisting of you offering a solution of assisted living you apparently 'putting her into a home' is classic, the suicide threat? Absolutely text book Narc.

You HAVE to work with your existing resources, you have to get your family out, AT ALL COSTS. Cos she won't stop until she's crippled the lot of you.

As everyone keeps repeating, in the uk she wouldn't need to drive to shop (there are very good online deliveries and if she lives in a town, public transport), there are companies like meals on wheels, if she's disabled, there are carers who will come in to clean/cook. You are letting her tell you something that is perfectly possible is impossible. (plus I find the idea she can garden but not cook surprising)

Stop letting her shut down options. Don't treat that money as anything other than your family escape plan. Talk to your db, sounds like he'd support you.

I don't understand, op. Why can you not move out and rent nearby with your money?
Why can you not get someone to live in with her to help her clean? Someone would bite you hand off for a free room in the current climate .
You can take her shopping each week and you can visit with the children, and be nearby if she needs anything.
She says she wants to go back to the UK and that's fine, but it will take time to sell the house and put a plan together with regards to care and assistance she needs.
Please explain why that would not work.

your mother is young, she could be making your lives miserable living for another 30 years.

your brother isn't doing what you are doing, so tbh, if he's not prepared to put his hand in his pocket and help you out, either to save your family, or to pull his weight with caring for HIS mother.

your mum could sell up and blow the lot in Vegas if she felt like it, and eventually die penniless, its totally up to her.

the money is another manipulative technique.

this is emotional terrorism, please see this?

you have to take the decision that's right for your family, you have to do what's best for them, and for you.

You need to stop listening when she criticises your DH. It doesn't matter what he does - she will find some way of criticising him. So every time she does it you need to just repeat like a broken record 'I trust DH'
Assisted living doesn't mean a home. My MIL lived in her own flat until the day she died, but there was a warden on site who could help as necessary.
My 95 year old GM still lives on her own. And I bet she's not as mobile or healthy as your mum. (infact if your mum is capable of looking after a toddler then she's definitly not!) But she manages with someone coming in to clean. Her children live nearish (about 30 min drive away) and they do the shopping for her. She can cook things that just need heating (ready meals, soups, meals already made etc.) And they drive her to doctors appointments when necessary.
Your DH sounds liek a saint! But in a way I think him saying he'll back up what ever you want maybe isn't helping. As it just leaves you with no other point of view than your mums. Talk to him and find out what he really wants. I suspect it will be to stay near his family. Then use your money and move. Your mum wont kill herself. You can help her with her sale if she needs it, help with other things if she needs it. But when she starts criticising you can leave and go back to your home.
But while you live there she's not going to change - why would she when she has you exactly where she wants.

sorry, distracted, i meant to say that if your brother's not helping, and you need to use YOUR money to save YOUR family, then get on with it.

She said this morning she was going to pack a case and go and stay in my uncle's house in the UK until she can get sorted, says I obviously hate her. Is now saying DH is not a bad parent but ignores the DCs at teatime cos he's on the laptop (while they watch tv and she chats to them) and is impatient at bedtime. (He's a very calm, laid back person). she can't see that it's small fry, and it's NONE OF HER BUSINESS and not her place to criticise. Then she says I'm poisoning DH agaist her and that's why she can't stay. I'm doing my level best not to rise to it, which she can't stand.
last night she said I was driving her to a breakdown as I told her i loved her and wanted her to be happy but she had to leave dh to parent how he sees fit or tell him herself if she doesn't like it. I said that was emotional blackmail. Then she said she could never forgive me for saying it was all her fault and that she was emotionally blackmailing me and that I was drivig her to suicide. which isn't emotional blackmail at all, is it?
She won't go anywhere, she's too scared of livig alone.

im sorry I know youre in a very difficult situation but you are allowing it to continue! You cant be a victim if you dont give the other person the power! So take back your power, live your life and let her get on with it. Shes manipulative! If you dont where will it all end? Divorce? You having a breakdown? Both? YOU HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR YOUR LIFE. PLease do something to break this cycle.

You will have to call her bluff or she will get worse. Let her go to your uncle's.

I actually came back on here to say that from reading your posts that you are happy living there so shouldn't even consider returning to the UK. But I see some other people have got there before me. Theres loads of suggestions here now about what you can do to improve things. This thread could go round and round in circles for the next 20 years so the big question now it - what are you going to do?

so she HAS got somewhere else to go, somewhere where she COULD go - her uncles...
You need to listen to what people are saying to you here.
She is being abusive to you. She is manipulating you and she wont stop until she has you, on your own, fulfilling every one of her demands and being her whipping boy.
If she is as disabled as she makes out she could go to her uncles and be assessed for disability benefits - Im not sure what it is for the over 65s. My MIL has this and it pays for a cleaner to come in and for some other stuff. She does online shopping and has a few meals on wheels type stuff. TBH as a pensioner with a fair income she may have it better than alot of working people.
Trouble is her demands and your conditioning over your lifetime means you are not seeing this straight - she has thrown you into a panic and you are still thinking that you need to put her first, or feeling bad if you are considering your own feelings.
What is happening to the brothers house?
has he offered to help?

Will try to write more later. Thanks for ideas. Have told her if she wants to go it's up to her .

I'd encourage her to go to your Uncle's. A bit of space might be just the thing you need and you need to see that she won't fall apart without you. She's expecting you to try to talk her out of it. Because if she behaves badly she's got 2 things to threaten you with when you call her on it, that she'll kill herself (she won't, if she really felt that way, she wouldn't say anything, she'd just do it) or she'll go live with your uncle and you'll try to talk her out of it.

Stop playing her games. You need to accept she could probably cope fine without you. You need to realise your DH and your DCs come first. You need to realise that you can put yourself first and it doesn't make you a bad person.

I don't understand how your DM is able to will your share of the flat to your DB. It sounds like you are letting her divvy up property that doesn't even belong to her.

I truly feel for you. This over inflated sense of duty yiou have, has been instilled into you so deeply that you are probably imagining - aided and abetted by her threats - all the "what if" scenarios, if you leave her on her own. This is precisely why she does it, to feed that guilt, and keep you tied to her. I truly believe, that with a little practical help, she could not only manage on her own, but it would do her the world of good. She isn`t unhappy because of her situation. She is unhappy......full stop.

However, you seem to have accepted that this is your lot. In that case, your only hope of regaining control of your life is to sit down with her, and spell it out loud and clear exactly what YOU will allow, from now on. That you will NOT listen to criticism of your childrens father. If necessary restrict whatever she does for the DC, allowing a small amount of time for her to play with them. Make it quite clear that your husband is in charge where they are concerned. Then - and this is the hard part - swallow your fear of her, because in essence thats what it is. Stick to what you have said, and ignore her ridiculous threats and rantings, Walk away if necessary. She`ll soon get fed up talking to thin air.

Yes, I'm too scared to just move out and leave her to it, as if she might top herself or something. I am being very nice and pretending nothing has happened and she's being all tight lipped and mono syllabic.
My uncle (her DB)'s house is in NI. he rents it out to holidaymakers. She's threatened to go there before but then said she couldn't get there (2 short flights) and couldn't manage once there. Also her sister (the one she cut out years before) has a 2nd home on the same street and she always says she'd be terrified of meeting her. They had a relatioship a bit like me and my mum come to think of it, her sister dominating and bullying her and guilt tripping her. Funny how she can't see any of it.
went to see a friend last night who knows us both (but is unfortunately about to go abroad for work) and she thought it was all emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. i told her exactly what both DH and Dm have said in case maybe it's me and he IS a lazy bastard but she knows them both and although a bit shocked about the suicide threats, wasn't surprirsed. V surprised DM was saying DH was "sergeant-majory" with DCs at bedtime, as would anyone else be that knows him.
I'm trying to get my courage up to stay firm and let her play it out herself, keep wanting to go and try and make peace with her, but I can't say she's right all along and give her what she wants. Maybe at some point I'll manage to get something concrete done, and I know I'm driving you all mad, but when I started this thread I thought you'd all come on and tell me I was being awful to my poor mother and my DH was a lazt twat. I'm still getting my head round the idea I can stand up to her and not give in and grovel and that I don't have to apologise for not wanting to str it all up and discuss it...that's what kicked it off, I said I didn't want to talk about it and she should tell him if she wasn't happy with what he was doing.

trying to get some things done, like get more of a handle on rents here and try and cut outgoings (worked out how to reduce phone/internet deal by 30? a month from February) so that I know where I am if push comes to shove.

have you spoken to your DH yet about what to do? Can he take it in hand so that its not YOUR actions/deciosions
My mother is a narc - not a malignant one, but I can see that she could do what yours is doing if her back was up agaisntt the wall. DP listens and supports, but would be willing to step in if I gave the word. after all, its not just you who is involved here - You, he and DC are a unit. If there are renegotiations to be done about changing stuff, then there is no reason why you need to be doing it, especially if she has got an unfair emotional hold over it - he would be able to step in and deal with her without all the emotional baggage.
Letting it blow over wont help either - you are going to constantly be walking on eggshells afraid of when its going to kick off again, and she will simply retreat, gather strength, and prepare for a new assult from a different angle.
Are you sure there is noone who would be willing to live with her, as a carer, but for free accomodation. She obviously doesnt need full time care, but maybe a student, or another family/couple who are starting out. Their own free apartment in return for a bit of shopping/DIY/ cooking. Again, no emotional baggage involved with whoever is doing the caring. much healthier all round, and with a 4 bed she has plenty of room.

there are opportunities like that offered in 'The lady' all the time. someone would even be able to work and do it I am sure - you do.

maybe even someone like a postgrad student, a writer, an artist, or someone who works via the internet. I think they are often called 'ladies companions'....

Change your user name it doesn't have to be badtoworse, when you take responsibility it will get better. Your dc can grow up in a happy home.

I'm not sure it's fair to ask DH to talk to her, she'll see it as an attack. She's already said this morning she wants to talk to DH; said something like "to make him see what he's done"..not sure what that means. Hasn't actually said anything yet though.
Before we moved in, we were trying to sell my house and had a viewing and I asked if DH would mind taking DS (no DD then) out while I showed the house and he said he'd take him when the people arrived. I didn't really want that, would rather DS was out so no fuss, just as people arrived. DM buts in and creates a whole enormous fucking row, guilt tripped me, said he was selfish and lazy and unhelpful and I can't even remember the details but it ended with both DH and me in tears, her in a rage and he apologised to her (I'm not really sure what for) to put an end to it all. Oh God, I am so stupid to have ever ever agreed to live together.
I'm scared of her, truth be told. Sorry, I'm pathetic, I really am.

And I've let her browbeat me into dominating me and making me feel like it's my fault or DH's fault she's unhappy and I can't keep doing that, have to break that cycle.

Honey, you could get The Pope to tallk to her and it'd make no difference.

It's not about anything other than her control. Please see this, please don't have the fight, just make the decision you need to make, and get yourselves away from her.

This is not your fault, none of it. The only way you can 'win' is to refuse to play.

And I've let her browbeat me into dominating me and making me feel like it's my fault or DH's fault she's unhappy and I can't keep doing that, have to break that cycle.

Once you truly accept this, she will start to lose her power over you. She is a very cruel, deeply scarred, unhappy woman, and actually cares nothing for yours or your childrens happiness. You have a husband who loves you enough to leave his own elderly parents to make things better for you. What does that tell you about the difference between him and your mother? Please don`t let her destroy you and your family.

Putting myself first does not make me a bad person
I will not listen to criticism of my children's father
Repeats to self.
This thread has opened my eyes, I really thought you'd all say I was a lazy cow, married to a feckless arse and my poor mother was right about the pair of us. I am studiously refusing to engage and so far today it's been quiet. I'm not ready for a big talk about the future with her yet, still scared..but I'm beginning to see that her life is her own responsibility and I won't burn in the eternal fires of hell if I don't jump when she says. It has been a revelation. I used to read threads like this about people's husbands and wonder how they couldn't see it, but this happens every so often (although with increasing regularity) and is cloaked as about something different each time. I think I've only been able to see it for what it is this time as she's gone for the same issue twice in 3 months.