My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

[goonyagoodthing]

Glad to see the positive name change, see you on the new thread!

[GoodtoBetter]

I've named changed and started a new thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1662178-The-Great-Escape

as this one is nearly full.

xx

[badtoworse]

DB forwarded the e mail. I'm not particularly worried about it, I just think it's a bit odd that she says nothing about how she feels about us leaving. With me it's all teary eyed and on the point of crying and she says nothing except that we're going. Ah, well..like you say I could spend my life trying to work out what's she's thinking and be no closer to the truth.
DB would like to sell the flat within the next year or so. I'm not involved in that decision and have no desire to be. DM pays the charges (maintenance and standing charges for utilities) so if she doesn't want to, she can sort that out or they can rent it (although they'd be very unlikely to rent it out of summer season as there isn't much demand except in summer).

[Aussiebean]

I think ops brother forwarded her the email. I thinks it's good that she knows what her mother has been saying. But not give it any head space.

[Anniegetyourgun]

2rebecca

[2rebecca]

I thought she had gone down there on her own just before Christmas?

[2rebecca]

This isn't your problem and is unconnected to you moving out. Stop reading her emails and let her and your brother sort it out. Don't get dragged into other people's problems. When you are no longer living with her you won't be seeing this sort of stuff.
It sounds as though the flat is a mistake if no-one lives in it but it's not your mistake. keep out of this one, you have your own housing problems to think about.

[Aussiebean]

But your db may want to consider how she keeps control over him by paying the maintainence costs.

[Aussiebean]

Agree. It's his flat. He can deal with her in regards to it.

At this point, don't take up more mental space on this when you don't need to.

When you are out and a bit more able to plan. You and your brother can have a good chat about tactics. But I don't think now is the time.

[tribpot]

I agree no point in worrying about it now. If no agreement was made (and I'm quite sure it wasn't) about how and when your mother could reclaim her investment in the property your brother should really offer to give her her money back and take over the running costs. I fully accept he may not be in a position to do that but that's why families and money don't mix. I very much doubt she can force the sale if it comes to it - there's no evidence the money wasn't a gift?

That said, your arrangements for property ownership seem illogical. If you and your bro own the property jointly then your names should be on the deeds together. The whole 'you get the house' is a red herring because she can make her will as she chooses (previous discussion about applicability of Spanish law, of course).

However, this is where the fact you don't 'know' she's communicating with your brother works to your advantage. You can't get dragged in to this one. Especially since that's what she wants.

I think he needs to tell her he doesn't want to sell right now and requests that she give him a little time to sort out his finances so he can take over the running costs. Renting it does seem sensible. If you co-own it and it is sold, you should split your finances at that point and take back the part that belongs to you to avoid a repeat of this whole mess.

[Jux]

If it were rented out then it'd be providing a bit of an income.....

Don't worry about the flat. Let your brother deal with her over that. If he needs your help presumably he'll contact you about it.

You have enough to worry about with the move.

[salopia]

what is OTBT ?? sorry to be dense , a bit new ??

[badtoworse]

don't know really. DB says he's not in a big hurry..maybe within the ext yr or so. Think it's all part of what DB says about her attitude to oney that she's "pathological about getting value for money/not losing money"

[badtoworse]

she doesn't want to continue paying the charges and he wants the capital to use to buy in Dublin.

[badtoworse]

does that make sense?
I'm not going down there as she pays the bills on it (power, water and community charge) and I don't wat her throwing it back in my face or accusing me of taking advantage and she won't go on her own.

[badtoworse]

It's the flat she went to at Christmas
It's in DB's name.
He's not here and you have sign in person at a notary's office when you sell so I (as the Spanish speaker) would act on his behalf in the sale of the flat if he gave me POA to do so.
When we inherited money from my father, she suggested we put our money together and with a little help from her, buy the flat.
It was put in DB's name because I already had a house at that stage (with a mortgage ad some help from her) ..so she helped me buy my house and helped him buy his flat. Then I sold my house to move in with her and had money in the bank and the promise of her house on her death and he had the flat.

[tribpot]

I can't work out the connection. Who owns the flat? (The one that she went off to before Xmas).

What's the power of attorney for? This is to authorise your mother to sell the flat on your DB's behalf? Does that mean he owns it? (If so why is she saying it 'has' to be sold?)

Why will no-one be using the flat? The flat's nowhere near where you live, isn't it by the sea?

I know you have gone over this before upthread, but it would be good to clarify if you don't mind.

In any case, what it seems to be is an attempt to make it all about the bloody inheritance again - the stick she used to beat you with for years. To make it all about the guilt of her having to try and provide for your brother in her old age (hence why she can't afford the bills on the flat?) and certainly an attempt to drag him in to even up the numbers.

[badtoworse]

Hmmm...latest e mail to DB:

Bad & DH are moving next week. The flat will really have to be sold. If you could get a power of attorney and bring it out with you Bad can make a start on it. I will of course pay for the power of attorney. Then you would be able to get a flat in Dublin without a mortgage.

I´m sorry to rush you into this. I was hoping to wait and talk it through with you but events are speeding up and the bills on the flat are senseless because no-one will be using it. I am really sorry for ever having dragged you into such a silly venture but I will see that you don´t suffer for my stupidity.

What do you all think. DB thinks it's an attempt to guilt him into being drawn in.

[Jux]

That's good news. Long may it last

Vis a vis shelves and holes in walls. If she's going to be putting up her own shelves then holes already in situ will be helpful, won't they? New rawl plugs and new screws, but no drilling?

Two trips to Ikea? I think you're getting spoilt!

[2rebecca]

Glad she is being positive, it may be that she'll be happier having the house to herself as well, although I suspect once she is on her own she'll get a bit lonely sometimes as my dad does. She may need to take up a hobby. If she does have problems walking then IKEA is hard work as you have to walk for miles. I remember trying to wizz through to the cafe to get some meatballs once and that took ages even trying to find the short cuts.

[badtoworse]

Will say it'll take too long to do it all together and won't be space n the car and that I'll take her later on her own.
i have to say she's been making a real effort since I told her basically that life is what you make it and it was up to her now to decide to be happy. She's driven to the supermarket 10 mins away today and said she's driving to the hypermarket (20 mins away) tmrw to look at homewares and said positively "if I get tired, I'll just lean on the trolley". I'm sure she'll cry when we leave, but I'm really hoping she's going to continue with this positive attitude.

[2rebecca]

Agree re 2 trips for ikea. there is no rush for her to go as she isn't moving. you can take her in a couple of weeks without your husband. Maybe time to stop telling her stuff like "I'm going to IKEA" so she can't invite herself.

[tribpot]

Yep, I agree with Annie. Say that it's pointless going all three of you cos it will limit what you can fit in the car, so better for you to go with DH for your own stuff then you go with her for hers?