My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Yes, because disabled people who are incapable of living alone often lay their own fires....

Well done on having a polite xmas dinner op. She can't (reasonably) berate you on that front anyway!

Well done for getting through today. You deserve a big drink!

bad - if you are in Spain I recommend special legal advice regards to inheritance. It can be quite complicated. My sister lives in Spain, in a house that belongs 50% to her, and 25% to each of our parents. My parents ownership is not bound by Norwegian rules, but Spanish inheritance law.

If assets are in Spain when she dies it comes under Spanish Law not english
If all her assets are in UK then it comes under UK Law. I was told this by a UK solicitor - applies to any other country assets are in.
I am horrified that your mother can so cruel and nasty to you and your DH.

All the best for the New Year to you. Hope when "she " dies that your DB will share the inheritance with you. And sorry about losing your dad.

The Spanish solicitor who drew up the will and the notary who witnessed it all said she had free rein over wht she did with her assets as she wasn't Spanish, even though the assets are in spain. I don't really care. I've never been interested in the money, it's always been this weird obsession of hers to "provide" for us and have all these plans for how to divide her money up.
One of the reasons I am vindictive I think (in her mind) is that I hadn't switched on her electric blanket on her bed when I put the kids to bed. That, and taking her gc away. she hopes I will be a GM one day so can understand the pain of someone taking your gc away.
Today has been quiet. She's been moping about in her room, so tmrw will o doubt be rage again. God, it's so exhausting all of this.

Well done, not long before you are free of her controlling presence and you and your dh can have a nice quiet family time together

You have really turned it around for yourself and for your dh

My mums like this and does the same with my brother we find it hilarious that she says such utter lies, don't speak anymore but my brother reports in

Going to try and see some flats tmrw. Have moved money from savings account so I can pay a deposit.

I don't know how you keep it together and your poor DH with his very elderly parents. I had a nervous breakdown with my MIL and ended up in hospital, but had no small DC at home. She was not interested in her many GC and other adult children only my DH.
It is all the worse being your own mother, but also DHs MIL from hell.
Look after yourself.

I'm worse in the morning cos I'm not sure what's coming and the kids are around and it's all so stressful, last 3 days I've had a really sore throat and really feel like I'm going to vomit. Once the kids are in bed, I try to slope off upstairs out of her way. I'm not sure she believes me yet, I think there'll be another whole upset once I actually MOVE.
From what DB says she has had a quick look on the internet and reckons we couldn't afford anywhere, except maybe 2 bed, so kids would have to share. Asked him, "why's she doing this?"...so no awareness. DB says he thinks she's been basically bullying dh for years.

Argh, God..more bollocks..been sucked into a row again, only a short one, but has really wound me up. So, it'll be steely anger from her again tmrw. I need out of here before I actually kill her. Hope I can see some flats tmrw. she just totally denies stuff, just lies and says it never happened. This pattern of the last 12 days will repeat itself forever, over and over.

Yes - you may need to think about what her actual aim in having the argument is. It's not to settle the point of dispute but to keep you locked in to the cycle. Therefore lying is a tool that works in her favour because it deliberately frustrates you to the point where you do something [else] she can find fault with.

All she really cares about is the reaction. Therefore that is the thing you need to deny her. I fully appreciate this is easier said than done!

On the (sort of) plus side, at least she is now escalating her actions so that you are continually motivated to get out. If she was a smarter player she would be as nice as pie for a month or so until you were genuinely doubting your own memories of the last few weeks.

saying stuff didnt happen or that it happened differently is called gaslighting and is a famous narcisistic trick.

Before xmas she bought a kindle from amazon.es cos she has an amazon.uk kindle but there is a series of books (in english) that for some bizarre reason were only on amazon.es. she bought the new kindle so she could access them. She said would DH and I like to have the kindle, as she only wanted it for those 3 or 4 books. Fine. she said it could be DH's xmas present. This is all, like about 6 wks or 2 months ago. Kindle arrived and she said here you are DH, he thanked her. She said at that stage she couldn't read cos of dry eye, so why didn't DH buy something to read on it. he did. All fine.
Then, the other day..in her angry phase she said she wanted it back, with the charger to read her books. I misunderstood and thought she wanted it back. Left it out for her.
She came in last night with it, saying...here I've finished my books. I said, "no, you wanted it back, so there you are". She started crying, no no I wouldn't take a Christmas present back..is that what you think of me? I must explain to DH (crying). Goes upstairs and sobs at DH...no no, it was for you, I'd never do such a thing. Then comes down, lies down sobbing.
I apologised, said I misunderstood. She says I didn't, how can I think such a thing of her. Then descends into nobody thanked her for their presents on xmas day. The presents were, the kindle which she was thanked for when it arrived (although she then claimed he hadn't thanked her, but then denied she'd said he hadn't thanked her.....confused?) and a camera for me. The camera for me was that she was buying a camera for DS on amazon black friday and I said, can you get 2 and I'll give you the money? (my old one broke in May) No, no I'll get it as your xmas present. It arrived about 6 weeks ago and I said thank you.
I said, you were rude ignoring DH at dinner. She said he ignored her.
Then she started the whole, well I'm leaving I just don't know how I'll live here without having a breakdown, I'm so scared. I can't shop online, I don't speak enough of the language, I'm not physically up to staying, even with a cleaner. I said you stormed to the pharmacy and then the bank, packed your bags and drove to the flat, you drove back, unpaked, showeredd, lit the fire, you cooked salmon on Monday ("it was only sticking it in the microwave"), you have organised bags of rubbish and a large rug and carried them to the bins.
I said I don't know why you want to live with me and my "useless oik" of a DH anyway. said she never said that...I said you did, when we fought when DD was small and you called me a dirty slattern. Says that never happened, that I'm making it up.
So, I said..I'm leaving the minute I find a flat, not staying til she sells. Will help her get someone in so she can live here or she can go back, but I'm not staying here. Said, well I'll be going back then.
I shouldn't have reacted but...she drives me mad. Talking to DH later about all the times she's blown up and taken it out on him and he got quite upset about how she can think so badly of him.
Sorry, that was v long..helps me to document it.

oh and going on about how she didn't love her own mother but at least she respected her, not like the disrespect I treat her with.

Good luck with your flat hunting today. It doesn't matter if your children have to share, millions of children share and the majority of them are happy with it. The most important thing is that you just get out. Do not key her delay you, she will reject/fire every single person that you bring in to help in order to keep you there. She is capable of coping. You do not need to stay. I will bet that she will have an accident/illness the eve of your departure. Be prepared for this, it is not callous to call in a care agency at this point. You cannot afford to lose a deposit. Think how long it would take to save another. Be strong, you have so many people on here being a support to vent your frustration.

this is all bollocks, and you know it, its the FOG we spoke of before.

it's designed as a headfuck, plain and simple. stops you making plans, stops you progressing.

look past it, detach, and use it all to quietly strengthen your resolve.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, we'll help you get back on your feet when its over.

Am in the library. DD has gone to nursery and DH is out with DS on his bike. I've got an appointment at 11am to see some flats...3 I think, although only one has a bath. They're about 370 euros apparently and 3 beds. Came across to the library to use their internet and just seen her (the library is right in front of the house) she was crossing the road, I think to dump rubbish...so that'll be today's plan...clear her stuff out in a rage. It's freaky really...pathetic, raging, pathetic, raging...been going on like that for days.
Don't know I got here, I really don't. Hvae to keep calm and detached and not get sucked into the melodrama.

You are still tihnking that you need to solve her problems, it won't be down to you to get someone in.

Its good that yu don't want any inheritance, anyway there's agood chance she'll end up spending it all/leaving it to your DB.

As soon as you can get out of that house, the better !

glad she can manage the rubbish then!!

dont berate ourself for being drawn in, you have done really well and you are still holding your ground.

And the 'respect' that she speaks of was probably fear. Times have changed and we seem to be the generation which are blowing the lid off all these dysfunctional skeletons in our backgrounds. We talk about stuff we never would have spoken about in previous generations, we expect relationships of equality, we give respect and expect respect due to our actions not just because of our position in family/society. Its a far more honest way to live, and hopefully prevents the inherited misery of repeating family patterns onto the next generation.

Went to the estate agent. He didn't have anything he could show me today as the owners are awya til tmrw. He's got one with 3 beds and a bath (as opposed to a shower) which sounds v nice...wooden ceilings, tiled floors but no outside space (rooftop, patio) at all, and also the 3rd bedroom is very small. It's cheap at 380 ish but the 3rd bedroom and the lack of outside space (will be no tumble dryer so washing will be a problem) might make it difficult. He's got another one in the same street at 410 which apparently is big, with 3 beds (don't know about bath, think not) and a big rooftop/terrace. That sounds v luxurious..it's not it's just that you never get a washer dryer/ tumble dryer here so you need to dry the clothes on the roof.
Phoned the other agent of the 425 euro house/flat combo to ask if they would be interested in going halves on changing the shower for a bath, but they don't usually want to. We could rent the 425 house instead, but it is at the top end of our range and I wasn't convinced that stairgates would go on...that's always complicated here because they put on metal bannisters which are really thin and often that doesn't line up with the marble skirting board on the other side and it all goes wonky. But maybe we could cobble something together.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and the horribleness to come. I'm worried about money, which is silly because I've got a lump sum in the bank and so has DH but I'm worried about long term, but then I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I feel like a terrible person, like I'm destroying her and taking this huge scary leap into the dark. She's my mum and I do love her. But I can't forget the things she's said and it's just lies all the time. She just denies what doesn't suit her and just keeps on at DH. It's been years now, one thing or another. DH said he had counted 5 times she'd done this kind of thing now. And he's a good man. Honestly, he is.
Come on MN, boot me up the backside, I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? I'm not being cruel, am I? You have all been my lifeline these past few weeks...I need a bit more handholding. xx

I really hope you find something today, as it will then become your main focus, and your mothers rants, accusations etc will start to affect you less and less, other than to fuel your anger. If she was even remotely like a loving mother, she would be on her hands and knees thanking God, that you are going to be just a few minutes away, happy in your own life, but on hand should she really need you. Im all emotional today, because my lot will be leaving tomorrow, and will be many, many miles away. I`ve got a daft smile permanently plastered across my face, which is probably fooling no one. I want to shake some reality into the silly bint, but as some of us know, these mothers are a breed apart, and nothing, and no one can make them into the ones we need.

I have to say - again - that you have the most marvellous husband, who does not deserve the vile accusations made by your mother. Also, a loving, supportive brother, and PIL. You hold all the aces, in everything that matters in life. The sort of devotion you have fom H is very hard to find. Cherish, and nurture it.

Thanks Autumn, it means a lot. DB said something similar, that a normal person would have apologised straight away and been contrite, not storm off and lie about things and create all this nonsense.
I can't get anything today, but I am seeing 2 flats tmrw, so I think after I've seen them I'll make a decision and just go for the best option and make do and mend and if necessary move again in a few years.
All messages of support gratefully received as today will be another limbo day and I'm finding that really hard.

Will the estate agents negotiate on the rent? I think you mentioned earlier that one property had been empty for months, so you may have more power than you think and be able to haggle the price down. It's worth asking - the worst they can say is 'no'.

DON`T YOU DARE WOBBLE!!!!

I have got hold of you so tightly that there is no way you can fall.

You are not cruel in what you are doing, and you know that. Indirectly though you have been cruel to allow your husband to be subjected to this womens viciousness for so long. That, however, was not your fault. Your self awareness was non existent, and you were behaving as you had been conditioned to behave all your life. Now you know better, and for your lovely familys sake - and your own sanity - you are going to change it.