My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

She's e mailed DB finally and basically said it's all my fault. We've had a terminal falling out and she has to leave ...will sell this house and the flat asap and will help him buy in Dublin. I'll c and p it later ...am in park on phone. DB forwarded me the msg and what stands out for me is this sentence "bad says I can shop online and cope on my own, but I can't and why would I want to?". That just blows me away. Keeps going round in my head.

see that?

the MeMeMeMeMe thing?

the no punches pulled, no holds barred to make you the bad guy....

crazy shit.... to be expected. don't worry, it shows you're strong, that you're right.

did you confront her abiut the email?

if i were your db, i'd stay well away from her helping him to buy a house... she might move in with Him!

I have complete confidence now that you will get away. You sound stronger with every day. Just dont get bogged down with the practicalities of the move. If you havent got everything you need, youll manage til you do. I have been moved by your husbands total devotion to you. I have a Spanish DIL, and she is a loving family orientated person too.

Your mother is such a stupid woman. She has so much, and cant see it. At the moment I have my family here with me, for a few days, and it is so wonderful. Because of distance, God knows when Ill see them again. When my precious husband died, I would have given everything I own to have them closer to me. They are constantly in touch, and care deeply, but their lives are elsewhere, and I accept that. I wouldn`t dream of assuming that I have the right to deposit myself on them. Everyone has the right to live their own lives the way they want to.

Why does she get to sell the flat if it's your DB, or has she just told him it's his but it's still in her name and really hers? hmm

Let her leave and return to Dublin if that's what she wants. You are supposed to rise to the bate, get upset and beg her not to go. Your DB is supposed to call you and tell you off and get you upset and beg her not to go.

just dropping in to wish you strength. This is not easy at all on you, you are doing the right thing. Your DM has a good pension, she has assets, she is capable of looking after herself, she has had every chance to accept your DH and behave herself.

oh thats classic!!

she has said that she cant live with you and has to leave???

Thats turned the situation exactly on its head - no one has told her that SHE hs to leave- you've said that YOU cant live with her and YOU are leaving. She doesnt want anyone to think you have left because she is impossible.

I expect your brother will be backing off quickly - is she suggesting moving near him by any chance? does he actually want to sell the flat that the 2 of you bought? I guess she is saying she is going to put in money for a place for him, much as she did for you, so that she has a hold over him to blackmail him with. If I were him, and wanted to buy, I would take the money out of the flat to use as a deposit, but refuse any help beyond that. But I suspect he knows all about her, hence him forwarding the email on to you. I guess she doesnt know the two of you have been in conversation since the first.

If she can email she can order online. The 'why would I want to' just speaks volumes. She may not want to, but if she is so impossible to live with then thats what happens.

I dont suppose there is any point in confronting her, she wont see it. a narc will always turn the story round so they are the hero or the victim, they will never take responsibility for their actions or how their behaviour impacts on anyone else. And they will believe their story 100% so you are wasting your breath even discussing it.

You know the truth, your brother knows the truth, your PIL know the truth. The wider family have probably seen the same behaviour again and again, so probably know the truth, so thats everyone who matters just about covered.

These are her 2 e mails to DB:
I´m really sorry to wreck your Xmas but things have gone belly up here. Bad and I have had a terminal bust up and I need to leave here as soon as i can get rid of the house - if I can. can you phone me? Can you go through the operator and ask to reverse the charges? They are just about to go out and will possibly be back at about 2.30 your time.

Much love, ma

And this is the second one:

At least there can be no further argument about the flat being sold - if we can get a buyer. It would be better to accept any loss & clear out. If you save as hard as you can you should be able to get a flat in Dublin with my help. I need to be careful what I promise because I am going to be very restricted in what, if anything, I can buy in Britain. Leicestershire seems possible. There are some cheap 2 bedroomed bungalows. Not mostly all that nice but as long as I have gas central heating I don´t much care.

I can´t stay here because Bad told me I can do my shopping on the Internet & cope perfectly well on my own. I can´t and why would I want to? Please make sure that NONE of this makes its way on to social networking sites. I couldn´t bear it if my family found out.

Love, Mum

The emphasis is mine.

Then DB facebooked me this:
Just called her now, mindblowing. She is fucking nuts. It was quite a long call, but basically, blamed you, called DH idle, said how much she loves DS (no mention of DD AT ALL) said she can't cope, gave me sob story about the flat, and said she's cutting you out of the will when she gets back to Britain. Complete victim and Martyr status the whole time. It all seemed to be about her, i couldn't actually get a word in to be honest (like most phone calls/skype over the years to be honest).

Called you selfish, etc, told me not to tell you about it. She's not gonna do anything to herself, next time you're out let me know and i'll give you call

love you xxx

She is insane. She's busy packing up the house bit by bit. Don't know why seeing as she thinks it'll take ages to sell. Told DB she knows I can't afford to rent a flat, so looks like she thinks I'll actually be homeless with 2 small children. She doesn't know that I've have seen one I could afford at least in the short term.

Your brother's got it right - victim and martyr just about defines her! If I were him I wouldn't accept her property-buying help with a bargepole. Very glad to see you and him are on the same page with this, although you do both sound like you've been through the wringer with her over the years :(

I think he knew all about her for ages, but until something like this happens and you REALLY see it for yourself it would have been pointless him telling you.

and she so didnt want you or anyone else to know what she has written because its such a pile of lies.

and the 'poor me' house search..... so long as I have a garret to starve in boohoo.
whats the 'argument' about selling the flat - were you holding up proceedings - she makes it sound as if you were. and written out of the will.... OMFG

She's quite the little schemer, isn't she?

If I was so terribly devastated, I wouldn't be able to wash myself, let alone wheel and deal in the property market!!

Don't waste a minute of your time feeling guilty or sorry for her now, love. She is, and will be, absolutely fine!

Blown away. But makes it easier now. Feel a lot calmer, not so nervous. What will be will be. I don't feel guilty any more.

Merry Christmas op. remember, if she kicks off you don't have to sit and have dinner with her.

Keep talking to your DB, work out what you are going to say and have a united front. That will stump her.

I don't think she is frightened. She is losing her control over you. By thinking she is frightened it helps you justify her behaviour in your head. It makes sense. But it will never make sense.

Now we're back to pathetic. Had a whole big thing about giving DD her present, "she won't remember me, she won't know it's from me". Said she was sorry or calling me a selfish vindictive bitch, who is stealing her grandchildren and she hopes I have gc some day so I can understand what it's like to have them stolen from you" (last night before I went to bed). Now she's sorry and is "just scared of being alone at night, because the leg was really bad while she was away". She can't believe I said online shopping and she's scared of living in a hotel til she finds something in Britain. And she's just so surprised, she thought we were so happy. I said it happens every few months...no she said it's only happened twice in 7 years. I said no, there's the one when DD was tiny. Claims total amnesia of that one.
I've had a little quiet blub to myself, more out of frustration. I am trying so hard to be fair and reasonable but the guilt trips are so horrible, I even start to wobble a little sometimes and then I think what she's sad about me behind my back and about DH and all that about why should she pay someone to clean and I know I can't do this any more. She'll be OK if she chooses to be. Even if I did forgive her (and DH wouldn't...he'd leave after what he's learned she's been saying) she'll just punish me forever. This pathetic stuff today is another tactic.

This is more my DB's told me about their phone call:

She was saying that, it was all over nothing, that you said she should just go back to England, that DH's making bathtime stressful for DS. She also said she's cutting you out of the will because "you've had enough already" she also said DH must think "rich mother, stupid wife, and tht it's a free meal ticket. She also said that DH was leaving all the childcare to her, an that N had to get a yoghurt for himself, then he dropped it and DH didn't even notice.

I can't remember it all, but suffice to say that she went through it all, whiny, angry, martyr, blaming you, slagging DH, calling you a bitch. I think you're doing the right thing. I don't think she realises why she's doing at. All but why should you have to live with it?

She also said, that you said she could get someone into help. This made her angry, why should I pay for someone to come in, I can't understand the accents I the locals in the village, etc. I've spent 20k doing up the house, she can't understand why you'd leave her in her final years, it was kind if boring listening to her to be honest, because everything she was saying was a twisted version of what you've told me and I know what she's like. You're doing the right thing

Xxx

Your brother rocks.

He has confirmed that she is twisting everything and it's not in your head.

You are doing everything right. But remember sometimes you can't be fair and reasonable to someone when they aren't being fair or reasonable in return. It won't work so you have to be true to yourself and your family. And protect it.

Wow, just read the lot. Good for you, and good for your brother!

My mother is a bit like this...thinks DS (her most perfect, beloved, angelic only grandchild) must be entertained at all times. When he stays with her or she's here (she and my dad live 5 hours away, lucky me!) she plays with him literally every second, which I just feel is unnecessary. I certainly don't do that!

I hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas despite everything and I wish you all the best.

Merry Christmas!

I agree with Aussiebean. If your brother is on your side, then you know with absolute certainty that you're doing the right thing.

Get through the day by focussing on your lovely kids and DH - think of her as a buzzing mosquito - don't really listen to what she's saying. I have a feeling it's going to get worse before it's all over so gird your loins and do that rugby Haka dance thingy :)

She shall not win

Another one agreeing with Aussiebean here. Hold fast and Merry Christmas :)

Pathetic ness continues from her. Is there anything she can do, any promise she can make? I said no.It doesn't work and never will. She claims it's only this time and sept. I reminded her of fight when DD was small and she called me a dirty slattern. Said she didn't remember. I said I did. all v calm on my part. Told her we could remain friends and she could stay here with help. Said she can't ..She's afraid to be alone at night. I shrugged and said she could stay or I'd help her go back to uk. tmrw she'll be angry again and I'll be a "vindictive bitch" again, mark my words. but i can't live with someone who said what she did yday to db. She doesn't know I know that you see.

You are really going through such an amount of shite badtoworse. This will soon peak I'd say and things can return to a happy normality. 99% of families live separately - theres nothing wrong with living an independent life. You will be 5 minutes away from her, happier and with your lovely family. If anything happens you are beside her, but not stuck in each others pockets. Fair play to your brother, I am so glad he is on side with you in all this, it must mean a lot. Try your best to have a stress free day.

I appreciate you're not trying to, but don't let this get bogged down in he-said-you-said-that-I-said-that-she-said. And for his sake, don't get caught out admitting to her what your brother has told you - as then it'll turn into 'you're all against me / how did I raise such ungrateful children / I have nowhere to turn'. Your brother's relationship with his mother is his own business.

And don't get dragged into all the reasons for leaving. You're an adult, it's up to you to decide where you live. I think you're meant to feel beholden to her because of this stitch up complicated inheritance situation where your brother seems somehow to have received his but you have to wait for a hundred years before you receive yours. I'm assuming because your brother needs the money to set up a house for himself, whereas you should be having one provided by your DH? (I wondered if these kind of - ahem - traditional values might also be why she favours your ds above your dd?)

You do need to spend some time, I think, working out what your response will be if she does suddenly 'take a turn for the worse' and end up bedridden, for example.

I've thought of that. I'll her I'll give her details of Spanish care homes to choose from and she can pay with her generous pensión. That will put the wind up her.

Either that or I'll arange for her to go into a home while the house is sold and then arrnage for her to get back to the Uk and go into a home there. I have to get out and hope she'll do what's best for her and go back, before she really does get infirm and I'm trapped in this hell forever.

intersting post tribot. I've never thought of her as traditional, but there is certainly something she can't stand about DH, although I think it's more that he's competition for my affections..coming btw her and me.
Will try to remember to remain aloof and try not to get dragged into the ins and outs of it all or my reasons for leaving apart from it's for the best.

I see your mother owns the house in Spain and you mentioned a flat - is that also in Spain and owned by mum? Under Spanish inheritance law a parent cannot disinherite their children - but in UK you can. I think she knows this.

digerd DM owns this house, that we share. The flat is soley in my brother's name. She knows very well about the not being able to disinherit in Spain, although she could actually as she is a UK citizen so her Sp will follows UK rules.
As it stands, she's going to sell this house, return to the Uk and disinherit me. And never speak to me again, which currently would be a blessed relief.
So, I made xmas dinner of sorts and we ate it politely. Then, she pointedly went and got a big bag of firewood and dragged it in and set out lighting her fire.