My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Do you think that your role as a mother is to prepare your children to be a success in the world? To be able to tackle situations with confidence? To. Not struggle when life throws them curve balls?

Don't you think that is the job of a parent? And then think about what your mother has done to you? You said in your last post about doing this big scary thing of moving? That, in the sceme of this is minor. A bit of a pain, but nothing to be concerned about. And yet you scared. This is the type of thing your mother has trained in you. You can't do anything with her.

Yet now you are starting to realise that you can. And that she is out of line and she is treating you badly.

You are doing great. And the best thing is... Your children will have the confidence to go out into the world without you holding there hands and they will want to have a relationship with you.

Ok, let's get this straight. You are moving just round the corner from your mum. You can see her every day if you choose. She can still see her dgcs if she chooses. You can still help her if she's ill. So why exactly does she need to sell up and move back to the UK? (Sheer needy poor-little-me-ness).

She probably is scared. She probably is hurt and terrified of being alone. (Aaah!) Perhaps she could do with some reassurance.

Sit her down and talk straight. 'Yes mum, we are moving out but we are not going far. I would still like to be able to see you and bring the dcs to visit. We can still help you out if you are ill. But it would be better for everyone if we don't live under the same roof. I hope you don't sell up but if you do that is your choice. Just like moving out is my choice.'

Then let her carry on tantruming and whinging (which she will). But know that you have offered the reassurance she craves without getting pulled in to a tug of love.

You can do this, you really can. But more importantly, you NEED to do it. For your DCs, for your long suffering DH, and most of all for YOU.

Nothing you have done makes you deserving of all the shit she keeps throwing at you and your lovely family. Everyone else in your RL can see it and so can we, strangers but friends on t'internet.

Keep moving forward and don't let her manipulation of your mind hold you back.

Sending a virtual hug and gentle kick up the bum

To be fair slambang that's what I have done, repeatedly and she rages, or cries or threatens to kill herself.
When i got back from the flat hunting expedition she asked me for a hug and said whatever happened we could at least have a hug. I said gently that I wasn't vindictive and nothing had been done out of spite and that I wasn't doing any of it out of spite. She said she understood I had to do what was best for my family but there were things we'd have to talk about.
She said I can have her car because she can't drive, she's not safe . I said no, thank you but I don't need it.
Said would I take the stacking beds in DS' room as she doesn't need them.
Said she doesn't want a woman in to clean and can't afford it so would I take the dyson. I said no, you can afford a cleaner perfectly well, and she'll need the dyson. said she couldn't afford a cleaner because she'd need one everyday and she couldn't pay that out of her pension (2500 euros a month) AND save for my brother. I pointed out that he will have the proceeds from the flat, so doesn't need any help.....said she'd promised him and "you've had an awful lot already".
Then started to cry and said she accepted she'd have to shop online so could I show her as she didn't understand. And did I think my friend would sell her the granny cart she uses for shopping. I said you don't need one, you can place an order in the fruit and veg shop to be delivered or I'll pick it up for you.
So, reasonably calm....we had lunch all together and she spoke to DH a couple of times. I don't think this'll last til we move out, but at least it's all a bit calmer temporarily.

She keeps trying to give you her possessions so that you'll have a reason to feel indebted, then she berates you for having had 'quite a lot already'. Classic! Well it is from my mother anyway. You did the right thing to keep turning everything down IMO - I'd stick to that line if I were you.

You do need to move out. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your DH and DCs. Unmumsnetty hugs xx

I have followed your thread, but not posted much.

Your mums behaviour sounds a lot like my mum used to behave, just before her diagnosis of Levy body dementia. Please google, and see what you think.

The ranting the raving, the "gaslighting", her skewed view of what has happened/is happening, selective memory, the crying, the proactiveness, all the spectrum of strange emotional behaviours and outbursts. The inability to cope, the not knowing what to do to cope, the manipulation, the recriminations, the self pity, the loathing, etc.

Levy body dementia differs from other kinds in that the memory can still appear to be quite good, but the view on reality quite skewed.

Why does she need to save for your brother compared to you???? He's had a whole flat. You've had free rent, but nothing else from her. Why would she have to give him more money? He can sell his flat if he wants too, then he's got that.

But don't try to reason with her. Keep repeating, "well, that's your choice". She's trying to guilt you. You know she has enough money to pay for a cleaner, if she decides not to do that for whatever reason, then that's her choice. It's not you making her. Keep strong, don't take her stuff because then that's something else you've "had off her" - so don't give her another stick to beat you with.

Be prepared, she might well deliberately try to make her own life crap for a bit in order to 'break' you.

She doesn't need to, she's just trying to make me feel guilty. I agree she will probably make herself thoroughly miserable when I go, but I'm going to tell her if she can't manage I'll sort out a home for her.
I don't think it's dementia, these are all the same tricks she's been pulling for YEARS. My friend's dad had LBD and he went quite fast, this has been going on in one form or another for as long as DB and I can remember.
She sent an e mail to DB today:
Nothing has changed here. Just waiting for Bad to say she has found somewhere to rent. Looks as if I will have to try to stay on. Not really feasible for me to buy in the UK now. There you go. That´s life.

Yes, I agree with dontmindifIdo. The whole 'but I MUST save for your brother' thing is a red herring to somehow make you feel guilty that he's actually received his inheritance free and clear, whilst you are meant to be waiting on the hook for another gazillion years for an inheritance that may or may not actually exist, or that may or may not be worth more than your brother's. Notice she essentially favours your brother over you, in the way she favours your ds over your dd.

But in any case, please avoid the kind of discussion you had where you provided rational responses to her concerns in increasing depth until she got in the killer blow: you've had your inheritance 'in kind' (not that it was very kind) and your poor bro has been hard done to despite being better off and hundreds of miles away.

The arrangements for her estate are her own business and she can do as she sees fit. Depriving herself of money she needs now to fulfil an inheritance your brother doesn't need makes no sense but is her choice.

Btw why on earth would she need a cleaner in every day?? For heaven's sake, don't ask her the reason as she will undoubtedly have a killer blow - perhaps maintaining the value of your inheritance or some such nonsense - but again, if she feels that is what she needs, it's her choice.

DB's just forwarded me another mad e mail she's sent him:

I have survived a lot in my life so I dare say I´ll survive this. Looking forward to seeing you in March. Don´t worry about that. It won´t be unpleasant.

I intend to switch my pensions over to increase my UK savings so I should have 50,000 sterling by next Xmas. I want you to have what you need to get a flat because Bad and DH have a lot of money in the bank, DH has expectations as an only child and Bad will inherit half what I have at my death.

I would still like you to save as hard as you can because if you later want to return to the UK you will find the property market horrific. Basically there has been a fall or at least a stagnation of prices in Northern areas but not in the South. If I had stayed in (where she lived before in the UK) I should be a rich woman - but there´s no use repining. I just want to make the point that the time will come when you will be glad of every penny you have.

If you still want the flat sold, as I presume you will (I don´t want to go on paying the charges on it when I am never likely to see it again) you will have to talk to Bad either in March or before and give her a power of attorney.

For the time being, you will be very welcome here, to all of us, as often as you care to come. You will once again have a bedroom, (he had to sleep on a sofa bed while we were all living here) we will be able to have lovely meals out, you will see Bad and the children as much as you wish

Well she is also trying to run his life too. Imagine what she will say when he turns around and says no.

I like this bit I don´t want to go on paying the charges on it (the flat) when I am never likely to see it again..no because it's not like she can drive there and back and spend 4 days there.
Also that she'll "survive" this, she sees it totally as something that I've done to her, not as something she has done.
I see now DB is to have 50,000, the value of the flat and half this house and I am to rent (and maybe use my savings up as she reckons we can't afford anywhere except 2 beds) and eventually get half of this house. I don't even care about the money, never have..but I am hurt by the way she cuts me out. DB says it's all about control. She uses the money to control us...she's happy to give it when it gives some leverage.
I think once we move all this may hit me a bit....

And yes, he said he's worried she seems to want to get involved in his affairs...he's always felt relatively safe being in a different country. I've told him to tread very very carefully.

Does your DB have no family of his own, no job no financial assets and/or is disabled? Why does your mother feel the need to support him financially and provide for his future, if he has no children?

DB works as a waiter and is planning to go into management with the same company this year. He has no kids.
This morning's nonsense is that she needs a bra but can't order one online. I said I told her months ago about a place where I was fitted for and bought nice bras, offered to take her. Also says she can't change her address on amazon so can't order a new electric blanket. She can change it, it's easy.
She said that me saying she can manage is accusing her of lying all these years about her abilities. So, full on pathetic today. Agent hasn't rung me, I've rung him but nothing. Tried to ring the other one to ask to view the 425 house again but he's not answering either. Been looking at white goods, will need a fridge, washer/dryer and oven/microwave and a table and 4 chairs.

I mean I offered to take her months ago for the bra.

I note she is telling DB he may see you and the children as often as he wishes (leaving out DH of course, why would anyone want to see the Evil One?!). That's very generous of her. Does she mean she is going to waive the pay per view charges on your family? Or is she going to unlock DB's chain at regular intervals so he can go out, provided it is to an approved destination?

To be fair, maybe she's offering your proximity as an added attraction for the visit, but the way she's worded it does sound as though she's giving him kind permission to visit his own sister.

Bad I'm very struck by how her thinking and manipulation almost completely revolves around money and inheritance and as you've rightly identified, she's using this as the ultimate control of you and your db.

I know you know that money doesn't equal love intellectually, but her use of the inheritance as manipulation seems a very deeply ingrained pattern which is managing to hurt you emotionally.

Would you be able to mentally write off all thought of houses/ wills/ gifts? Assume and accept that you and your dh are totally financially independent. Be happy for your db if he gets a windfall inheritance at some point in the future and do not allow it to come between you two.

Hey presto, her power to hurt, manipulate, divide and control has disappeared. Puff!

I would suggest you tell your DB that he has to hold the same line, he needs to say he doesn't want/need her money and she should spend it on herself. She is trying to manipulate you all by making you dependant on her. But that's his choice, and it's your choice if you will then run round to provide for free the care she can afford to pay for but is instead saving money for your DB.

Oh and you should really assume you'll get nothing from her, treat your money as your money, keep financially independent and don't think about getting anything from her or your PIL.

More nonsense today...can't order an electric blanket on amazon cos can't change delivery address from my cousin's to here without affecting kindle registration. i said yes you can and she did it eventually I see. She asked DH at lunch if there were petrol stations where they could check tyre pressures for you, I said I've told you I'll do it for you once a month..."don't get angry with me...(starts to cry) I was only making conversation so you wouldn't have a go at me for not talking to DH at the table".
Can't (sob, sob) buy a bra online. I said, I told you months ago there was a place nearby where they measure you, I've been measured and bought bras. No, I need Triumph bras...I said, there's a Triumph shop in town next to the car park..."why did you make me suffer with crap old bras all this time?" Cos I only saw it on the Wednesday when I met a friend down there, (the day before you went ballistic).
It's all so fucking stupid and manipulative. This sounds like I'm getting involved, I'm really not...although I need to practise just walking away.
Says, can you buy the eye cream instead of on prescription and is it expensive because her yes are worse (so bad she can read her kindle, drive and watch tv) and she can't sleep at night for the pain. I said yes, you can buy it, it's not expensive. Didn't bother saying but she could also perfectly well drive to the doctor's and get a prescription.
Oh yes and she wanted me to get a torch (was buying one for DS) as "there are a lot of power cuts"...subtext: and you're leaving me all alone in the dark.

Hoping to have a second look at the 425 property today. Will need to spend a good 1000 as will need washer/dryer, fridge and a table and chairs. I got rid of my dining table and chairs to move in with her. Also, the rates that were never charged on my house (complex situation involving the builders not registering the property with the land registry so no rates were charged until it was sold and no I have to pay 5 yrs worth bit by bit) have come thru, so that's another 500 euros.

Oh yes...was saying a cleaner was no use as she needs help with shopping and laundry. I said, you are perfectly capable of doing the laundry, in fact it's one of your complaints that you do the laundry for the entire family and we're lazy bastards. Yes, but it nearly kills me. I said, well you'll have a lot less to launder for one. And you can shop online.
Says me saying she can manage is accusing her of lying all these years.

As far as the money goes..I've mentally written that off a long time ago...it'll be nice to out from under that cloud..all I meant was that it hurt me that her reaction was to cut me off so totally and finally...to push me out of the family so symbolically iyswim. It's not the money it's what it represents...not explaining myself.

Go to your DB's flat. You need to get away. You need a break.

Need to find a flat Holey

She can sort a bra herself. This is a right drama llama. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Look to get out ASAP, if you need to use some of your savings to get stuff for your new place, that's not the end of the world.

Remember to give closed answers to her questions - so not as you did with the tyre pressure (just leave DH to answer the question factually), but as with the eye cream, simply 'yes you can buy it in the shop'. The end. Btw this is magic sight-restoring eye cream is it??

And for the laundry thing - don't get pulled in with emotive language if you can avoid it. You said it was 'one of her complaints' instead of pointing out simply that she does the laundry now.

Her logic is bizarrely skewed - you aren't saying she can manage these things, you're saying she can buy in some of the help she needs. And then she says she doesn't need the help. This is not an argument you can ever hope to win.

Fingers crossed for your flat-hunting.