My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

I feel a bit like the cruelest person ever but then I think, it's not a death sentence or anything...she can stay here if she wants and I'll be 5 mins away...she can drive , shop online, I don't mind popping in, she can visit but sharing a house doesn't work. Or she can go back ...which is what she always said she wanted. Just texted me to say dog is bleeding. Goodness knows what that's about.

She's trying anything she can to get a reaction out of you.

She nearly killed herself getting to the flat? 1) I think it's highly unlikely that it's true and 2) it was her sodding choice to go! She really won't take any responsibility for anything she's done will she?

Be strong and ignore ignore ignore like you would a toddler. Firm but calm, and stating the facts. I like Herrena's suggestion of broken record "we feel it's for the best". Good luck OP, stick to your guns!

I texted back that I'd check it out when I got back. will give me an excuse to go out anyway to take dog to vet. God, this is going to go on and on.

Just think, this time next month you could be in your own space without having to pander to an emotional vampire. And that peace and relaxed atmosphere you had while she was away? It could be yours everyday.

OP I am cheering you on here. Your mother is a toxic nightmare and you are doing all the right things protecting your family from her. Toxic behaviour bleeds from generation to generation if you don't stop it. She loves your DS now but wait until he starts to have his own likes/dislikes/opinions - she'll start on him then. As for your poor husband, words fail me. He must really love you so please bear that in mind if she plays the 'poor me' card in future. She must have made his life a bloody nightmare and it's time it stopped. Good luck, you deserve to be happy and you aren't responsible for your mother's happiness, she is an adult and it's about time she made a life for herself instead of draining yours of any happiness you have.

wow what a drama queen. and as the others said she chose to drive down there and she also brought up selling the house, so your moving would have had to have happened anyway, so what is she griping about!!

The dog's OK, vet said it was an infection, so she has antibiotics. Cost me 100 euros. It never rains but it pours, eh?
came back and DM being all nice. Asked if she should stop taping tv programmes for the kids and I said I didn't know, I thought it was best for them not to watch tv in her room, that she'd said this last week that if I went down this road there would be consequences, like she would't want me using her room. She said she'd never said that and that it was unfair on the children.
Gave them a quick sandwich in the kitchen then up to bed. As I was taking them up she said :
she understood that I was going and she had been on the internet and really couldn't go back, so would have to stay. This is bollocks, she means she doesn't WANT to go back.
Said she'd just to manage, like she did when she was injured before she had to go to A and E, i.e "she'll live here in pain and misery" . I said it does't have to be the end of the world, she can pay a woman to come in and clean, she can do online shopping. She can drive.
She said she can't drive and that I'd jeered at her that she could when she went to the flat. not true, that it had nearly killed her and she was frightened and phoned me to come and collect her but I wouldn't answer the phone. I said you stormed off, I have 2 children and a job to go to, I can't go running after you.
Said, if it killed you..how did you manage to come home, unpack, have a shower, light the fire, put the washing on, sit on the sofa? "In great pain, with a tens machine and a lot of pain killers". I was very calm throughout. Said she doesn't want a "foreign woman she doesn't know and can't speak to or understnad" in her house to clean and "isn't going to spen her pension on that". I said, that's your decision, I'll be 5 mins away, we'll stll see each other, but living together not working.
She said as well I'd been unfair as in Sept I'd agreed with her and suddenly I'd blindsided her and said she was out of order. I said it'd had been wrong of me not to back my DH up then fully but that was my failing and didnt mean she could interfere or criticise his parenting. And I hadn't agreed, that's why it dragged on for days...I just was too keen to placate her at all costs.
Watching tv downstairs with DH but feeling very weird. DB phoned and said to get out asap and never to leave her alone with Dcs, he's so convinced she'll repeat the same patterns. I think she'll let me go and then be pathetic forever more.
Why does it all have to be such a fucking melodrama? Why can't I have a normal mother and how do I stop myself becoming just like her?
Still no apology for being fucking horrible to DH for such a long time.

Pack up the car, go to your DBs flat for Christmas first thing tomorrow morning. It's not going to be a nice Christmas in that house. Just have a break.

Now crying and saying she hasn't eaten in days and wants to die. Hvae come upstairs away from her.

I assume there's food in the house? If she can drive for hours, lug bags, unpack said bags, garden, she can make a sandwich.

She means she's so distressed she can't eat. This morning she was fucking angry before I said I'd move out, she asked me to leave the hoover out as "she had work to do".

I know you're afraid that she's feeling horrible but she's being horrible which isn't helping herself. Or you.

You can choose to stay in the house with her over the next few days/weeks but it's going to be pretty awful, if you find it impossible to detach yourself emotionally (which is pretty hard, I know).

If you go to DB's flat, yes, you may well feel guilt but let's face it, you're going to feel bad whatever you do and at least if you're away from her, you have a chance at enjoying Christmas.

Thing is, we're supposed to be going to PILs on Monday (Christmas Eve), not sure whether to just pack up tmrw and go down there and not go to Pils, or stick one more day and go down to flat straight after PILs or go to flat but drive back up to PILs and then back to flat.
This is just getting totally intolerable. Should have sorted a flat while she was away.

I would leave. It's intolerable now, and will be intolerable tomorrow. Whatever the plan, it should involve leaving the house asap. An extra hour here or there in the car, if it's just a matter of more complex logistics versus more time in the house, I would choose the tricky travel arrangements every time. At the moment, it is very bad for you, because your mum is absolutely stunned at your assertive behaviour (your lack of habitual compliance), and is reacting accordingly.
Just get out of the house, and let her simmer down. Or not. It's not your responsibility to manage. I feel that your presence will actually be stimulating her outrage, because she is used to feeding her dramas with your energy/ guilt. Take yourself out of the equation. Much better for all of you, especially your DS.
You are doing really, really well, OP. This is hard, hard stuff that you're facing.

I'd go for option 3 - flat, then PILs, then flat again. If you skip seeing PILs then you'll just sit in the flat and fret the whole time; seeing them will be a nice distraction and presumably make your DC happy (and you and DH too)!

I bet you a bazillion pounds that she will somehow manage to feed/clothe/wash herself AND find plenty of time to obsess over how dreadfully she's been treated, poor dab.

Don't get sucked in. You're doing really well.

And yy to everything 1charlie1 said about your presence feeding her rage - spot on.

wonder if it'll make it all worse to not be here on xmas day. dh says maybe stay til xmas day she can give dc presents then we'll go..but maybe that's worse. Maybe should go to flat and send dh back to look at flats to rent and not come back til sorted...but then if not sorted by 8th I'm buggered for work. Dear God.

and am dreading actually packing up and doing removals....god alone knows what she'll do.

If you can stop engaging with her. Her arguments will not be logical and you won't win. Just say. It has been decided. It is what you are doing discussion over.

Really hard when she throws accusations at you. But will stop long arguments.

Well, didn't kill herself. Is in the bathroom showering at ten to eight. Never up this early so obviously planning something...leaving? Anger again? I've got stomach cramps and the runs again.

I would go to the flat. Living like this will make you ill.

Sweety, this panic you feel is normal, this is the eye of the storm. Prepare for more crazy shit, and remember we told you that it'd happen.

It'll enable you to spectate the circus, and to remain detached. Let go. What will be will be, and whatever happens, you will get through it, and you'll be happier and stronger for it.

We're all here for you. You are one of our own now, you have dozens of us sending strength, love. And support.

No more tlk of killing herself. Says she won't have anyone in to clean and will save her occupational pension (about 1900 euros a month) for my DB d live off her state pension (500 euros). i said why would you do that? because I have to save for your DB. I said, sell his flat and then you don't need to save for him. She siad it might ot sell, or would sell at a loss.
Said, I can't give DS his octonauts umbrella for Christmas now. Why? Cos he doesn't watch it (can only watch it in her room on sky). I said, don't be silly. And anyway I think it's better not to cloud the issue at the mo.
Am I doing the right thing about the not watching Tv in her room? I don't see how that can work, and anyway it was one of her threats before she stormed off.
Still don't know what to do about xmas day. Can't think straight. dreading the histrionics oce we actually leave. Will probably be back at work then too.
Have lost 6lbs since this started 10 days ago.

She's clutching at straws now. I recognise it so well. Please stop responding to her whining - you can't reason with an unreasonable person.

Scoop up the kids and go out for the day if you're not going to DB's flat.

You can give your DS whatever the hell you like. Who is she? the Santa Claus Police?

She is now trying to drive a wedge between you and your DB. Told you. Carzy Shit this way comes.

Deep breath, understand that she is flailing about trying ANY trick to get you back in her power.

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