My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

sorry ... she was to give him the umbrella..didn't make that clear.

Try to stop putting the focus on what she is going to do.....i.e. how she will behave when you are packing up. Accept that it will be sh*t, and then put all your energies into getting away. As long as you stick to your guns, dont let her histrionics pull you back in, then it really wont matter if it takes a little bit longer to get all your ducks in a row. You know that it is coming to an end very soon. For now, just put as much distance between you as possible, see PIL. Its not fair for them to miss out, but then go to DBs flat. I actually am concerned atthe way he has reacted to all of this. Not only is he onside, but he has fears that are very worrying. Listen to him.

we've come out for a bit. she has put her washing out the front cos she says she Won't walk thru my lounge to back sunny patio where line is seeing as I won't allow her gc to watch their programs in her room. Says that's cruel. I said she'd said that wld be one of the consequences of "my behaviour". She totally denied it. Said the consequence she meant was that she wld revise her will to split the house btw DB and me on her death. As the reason she was leaving it solely to me was because I was looking after her in her "last years" like She's 90.
Think i might let eat tea in her room...30 mins max and I'll lurk in next room. Still don't know what to do bout xmas day. Don't want to give her anything more to bleat about regarding denying her the gc. Also ..need to see pils xmas eve and then flat hunt like mad boxing day ..so maybe do ptesents in morning....go out and play with them (bike and tricycle) come back and have non xmas food (haven't got food to do an xmas dinner now anyway) she can eat or not...then go out again in afternon.

have just read through the whole of your post. i am exhausted by your mother just reading it. you have such good advice from MNers and are being so strong to follow it. i just wanted to say good luck with the move and to send some festive joy your way for xmas.

Are you seriously considering letting your kids eat their tea in her room? Are you mad?? Don't give her anything!!!

I know what you mean about not giving her anything to bleat about (i.e. not behaving in such a way that you would feel guilty about later if asked to describe your behaviour to an outsider) but COME ON. She treats you and your DH like crap and you're still worrying about how you treat her?

I realise this might sound harsh but PLEASE do not let your DC eat in her room, she'll think she's winning and continue to act like an arsey teenager. You'll be rewarding her poor behaviour. Don't.

Ah, I see, so she's punishing your DS now too? When will this end?

answer: when YOU end this. She's escalating, time for you to dig deep and so what you have to do.

Your DB won't necessarily abide by her will anyway, not if he sees it as part of her abuse/control/power hard on.

Ignore, ignore and ignore some.

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Thread's getting too big for my phone!

Please do not let the kids watch the tv in her room. She will as Herrera said think she is winning. Think of the phrase 'give them an inch and they take a yard'. This is so true. We are all willing you on to a happier and stress free life and are here for you.

Thinking of you, OP - hope you have a lovely time with PILs.

You're right about the teatime and it's unworkable anyway.

Don't know how much to tell pils either or when.

don't give in to any of it, you are still reacting like it's your job to fix the consquences of her actions - she has decided she won't walk through your lounge so you feel you have to put her washing on to solve her self inflicted problem. There's no reason why she cant do it herself, you are accepting she's entitled to put conditions on life and not have to live with the consequences.

You are engaging still, you should be a broken record saying "well that's your choice" - don't discuss whether or not she'll be giving your DS that umbrella and negotiate with her etc, don't discuss whether she saves her pension for your DB or gets a cleaner, smile and say "well that's your choice." just keep repeating it, until she realises you wo'nt run round fixing the problems she is putting in her own way. She now knows she has options, it's not your job to help her pick which ones and if she choses not to do some, it's not your job to pick up the pieces and fix it for her. She can afford a cleaner, if she choses not too, it's not then your job to clean for her. She can move back to the UK, if she choses not too it's not your job to look after her in Spain. She is capable of looking after herself, if she choses not too, it's not your job to do it.

It's going to take a long time to learn not to react to her, but keep repeating that it's her choice and eventually you will start to believe it too.

I would tell your PIL everything. Seeing someone else's reaction might help, having someone outside of the house to discuss it with would be good. Plus if you tell your PIL, your DH will know that you're happy to discuss it, it could be he feels 'disloyal' to talk to his parents about it.

sorry wasn't clear am on phone in park battery low. I didn't put washing out...she did and that was her reason. I am just saying your choice when she says nonsense bout no cleaner etc

and a million thank yous all of you....you don't know what your words mean or how much they help.

Glad that this thread is helping. I agree that you should tell your PILs all about it, as long as they're not the type who would get OTT concerned and insist on an immediate confrontation! Mind you I imagine that's unlikely since you said they are in their 80s... the spirit would probably be willing though

Stay strong OP, it's hard but you are getting there. I'm proud of you for getting this far, bucking a lifetime trend of subservience is not easy!

agree - tell PIL everything - dont leave them in the dark about why you are moving out - best be upfront about it.
And try to stop being drawn into her discussions - so far it seems she is throwing all these different statementa st you and you are reacting to them all. Its up to her what she does, as its up to you and your family what you do. DB knows the score, but she doesnt know he knows, so she is trying to bring him into it. All her dramatics are diversions. I know its difficult, I would be in pieces if it were me, you are doing so well

Out all morning, came home and asked if she was going to eat with us, fully expecting her to say no. She said she would like to "as long as it won't ruin your meal" said pitifully. So, very awkward meal. Doh, face palm.

So, we're back on being pathetic and she obviously hopes I'm cracking and if she seems pathetic and biddable I'll let it all blow over. I said I wasn't doing xmas dinner as I didn't have any food organised, but she knows my friend has offered me a turkey crown, so she was saying, it's just a case of a few potatoes and some carrots. I don't want to be the villain, the one who stormed off and took away the gcs on xmas day and it doesn't suit me to go away as pils the day before and want to get cracking on flats on Boxing day, but at the same time am worried she'll try and take over and make out things are normal and it'll be horribly strained. But think maybe I should just cook the damn food, go out all afternoon, and then look for flats the next day. I'll have the moral highground but I'll still be leaving.

I think this the new tack after this morning going on about them having their tea in her room. I said, oh whatever in frustration, she probably sees a chink in my armour.

She ignored DH all the way through lunch, just looked like she might cry a lot and tried to make conversation about the dog. I can barely even look at her.
Tmrw we're out with the PILs.

Don't worry, I'm not backing down, I'm still leaving asap, hence wanting to be here on Boxing Day, not at the flat, so i can see some flats..but, fuck me it's hard all of this. I'm trying to be adult about it and not stoop to her level or upset the kids, but she's so slippery. Amazing her changing moods..suicidal, angry, pitiful.....

It's all an attempt to manipulate you, trying different approaches until she finds one that works and gets a reaction out of you.

You don't have to put up with it.

Yes. Struggling with what to do for the best on xmas day. Don't see why I should go to flat when it doesn't suit but lunch with her will be torture too.

Tell your husbands parents. You`ll probably find - although they may be too kind to say so - that they are not altogether surprised.

You are being absolutely amazing, I truly cant believe how far youve come since your first post. Dont forget your mantra...."Its your choice".

Think I'll do the food...be civil and go out all afternon then if anything said just say calmly this changes nothing...still leaving.

As long as you still leave, that's the main thing. Don't be drawn into believing a word of what she says though.

You know there's still been not even the merest hint of an apology. So typical that she's done all this right now. One of the reasons I not sure abiut telling pils everything is it'll hurt them terribly

she wont apologise, dont even think that for one moment. She is a classic narc and they NEVER think they are rong.
She is running the full gamut of human emotion past you - trying to find your achilles heel, and once she finds that she will use it to full advantage.
You need to keep the poker face, however you feel inside, dont believe a word of what she tells you, and stick to monotonously telling her the standard 'thats your choice' type responses.