My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

No, stay quiet. Go to bed, you've had a monumental day. At the moment you aren't speaking, so nothing is to be gained by tipping your hand at this point. Keep organising, just as you're doing. The moment will present itself when you can say what you and your family intend to do. Good night, OP.

I think its perfectly OK to keep everything close to your chest until the plans have been made. Its not as if you are turfing her out on the street, so its not as if she is going to need to find somewhere and you havent given her a choice.
I looked in 'the lady' and there were a few people looking for somewhere to stay as a companion in exchange for accomodation. If thats something she might consider you could drop the idea when you tell her you are moving out. She will of course recoil in horror at the mention of it, but its another alternative. I also think, given that she did a flit and came back when she chose, that its perfectly acceptable for you to keep to your room if you want to. Just because she is there doesnt give her the right to summon you or expect you to give her your attention if you dont want to. She has already given you the frosty treatment, and then tried to sidetrack your DH and DC into being on her side, so why WOULD you want to go down or speak to her. Wait until you are ready, when you have DH around and know what you are doing. Any cracks in the plan give her a chance to drive a wedge in them.

Agree. Instead of saying ''we are hoping to' or 'thinking of'. You can say ' we are moving in this date at this time. No Point in arguing. It has already been decided.'.

Then walk away as she starts to yell or accuse or guilty trip. Don't give her her audience.

Just read your thread, so glad that you have made the decision to move out. Given the recession there I am sure that you will find a good flat to rent. Don't rush into anything, a few more weeks looking and making a decision is not going to make a difference in the long run. Maybe start off with something smaller so you can definitely afford it? Two beds would be enough for now wouldn't it? So glad you are not thinking of moving from the place you want to be just to be in the UK for your mother.

Can I give you a few reasons reasons to inspire you to keep on with this plan? You aren't at any stage near to believing you have the right to put yourself first so I don't think it is much good me saying you deserve to have your time over your mother, although I think that you do.

Your DS - you noticed yourself how confused and conflicted he is about grandma. He really, really needs to get away from living in this situation. Your DM is most probably messing with his head, he is at the stage where he should be seeing his Dad as a hero, she is most likely undermining him. She is probably teaching him to play adults off to get his attention. I dread to think what sort of toxic dynamic she will start to encourage between your DD and DS once DD is a bit older.

Herself - she has firmly put herself in the victim role with you as her rescuer, as long as you do rescue her, she can never get out of the role. I know a bit about her health condition, it is absolutely vital that she keeps moving, that she spends a concerted effort on some gentle exercises each day. The more you do for her, the less she will do for herself until she genuinely eventually gets to be unable to do things.

I absolutely shuddered at what she did when you were so young, making you witness her flushing her pills down the loo. I am sorry to criticise your mother but that is just so horrendous and a disgusting thing for a parent to do. With her actions she planted into your head at a young and vulnerable age, after you had just been made aware of a suicide, that she too could be capable of it and you had better just look out for her or it will be your fault. It will not be your fault OP if she does one day take her own life, it will be her choice.

As for why she is so triggered by your DH's parenting. As well as the competition for you and your DCs' affections, I would wager that the following is going on too - yes, maybe your DH is sometimes not 100% there for the DC and witnessing that probably triggers her deep pain and shame that she has really been a pretty dreadful mother in some respects and she needs to fight back to suppress those thoughts right back into their box and she does that by projecting criticism out onto others' parenting rather than reflecting on her own.

Good luck with the move OP. It's an age old saying, you've got to be cruel to be kind. It is going to feel cruel but it is kinder to you all, and even to her in the long run.

Well, am up and DCs seemed fine. DS went to say morning to DM but only briefly and seemed fine. He's definitely pushing buttons at home a bit...as if he wants me to tell him off, even though he was as good as gold while she was gone. Took him out to the park while DD slept after lunch (then we all went later to another park and I phoned DB). Was just DS, me and the dog and a beautiful afternoon and we had great fun and a weight lifted for a little while.
They're having bkfast in my living room (they used to eat in hers as she has sky tv) so there can be no comeback from her. I would normally go and say good morning to her but I haven't and didn't say anything to her last night.
I slept OK, was so tired. It's exhausting..feel like I've been on high alert for 8 days 8well, I suppose I have). still feeling nauseous and having the runs and stomach cramps. I'm eating but can't manage much, it's like my throat closes up and I can't swallow it. Oh, well...pre Christmas diet!
Eurostar, that was a really helpful post, thank you...it's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle and I still feel maybe I'm doing something terrible by moving out, it helps me to see that NOT ONE SINGLE OTHER PERSON thinks it's wrong to move out. I need to remember that.
DB was saying and it's true, she's always slagging DH's parents off. They are old and have their foibles and his dad certainly has his faults but they are such good people. I don't know whether it's another competition thing or a way to drive a wedge between us. I've probably fuelled it by ever mentioning in passing anything they've done that I've found strange (DH's mum has some strange ideas about health etc, in the way 80 yr olds sometimes do).
I think maybe you're right about the triggering. Over the weekend, before she stormed off she was shouting "I was a good mother to you" and I said, yes you were, but that's not the point. DH is a good dad and you have to leave him be.
I do also agree that she'll create a toxic dynamic btw the DCs as they get older. DB thinks this too.
Anyway, need a shower, Dh is having breakfast with the DCs, so I'll get dressed and go and join them.

Today I think we're going to go out for the day. There's a village about 40 mins away with a castle. I've been meaning to go with DS particularly, so I think we'll make a day of it. DD can nap in the car and we'll have lunch out. Can't stand the atmosphere here, it's poisonous, especially after the 4 day breather when she left. Then might try the same on Sun, then PILs on Monday (will ahve to work out what to tell them, and how to tell them without DCs hearing). Then I think, get up Xmas Day, let her give DCs their presents and set off for DB's flat for a couple of days. come back and view 360 flats.

I have no deep insights to add this morning op there are many more who can do this much better than me on here but I just wanted to say it sounds like a good plan and have a lovely day...and rememberyou will soon be free in your own place.

It's a good plan. Not only are you enjoying quality time with your family but you are showing her she hasn't won.

Have a great day

Have told her we're moving out asap. She wasn't expecting that. In car on will to update in a bit .

oops meant in car on phone

You're doing so well, love. So much of what you say resonates with me and I'm rooting for you every step of the way.

Stay strong, DONT</strong> let her change your mind. Im sure you had your reasons for telling her, but I`m sorry you did, until you had everything sorted. She now has time to put the pressure on, by going into full victim mode. Keep reminding yourself that she managed fine when she flounced off, and you are only going to be minutes away anyway, should she really need you.

Didn't really want to tell her but she started saying she'd have to go back to uk and sell and it seemed best to just be honest and bite the bullet. She went into full victim mode and cried a bit and shook. I felt weirdly calm. Still no apology and all abiut her and how awful I am. Will never speak to me again etc.

You've been on such an amazing journey in the course of this thread. Cheesy but true! I think it would have been unimaginable to you ten days ago to see through her tantrums like this. But as soon as you see the script, you can't "unsee" it, can you. I'm sure you will still have ups and downs about it by the way, please don't be disheartened if you go from calm to being a bit shaky yourself - it's a grueling process you're going through.

She will be fine, whatever she decides to do.

Sending you strength

Doh, sorry, misread date at the top - a couple of months ago!

Just caught up on this - it is amazing how much more confident you are. You've stopped taking responsibility for your mother's behaviour and choices. If she was to harm herself to make you sorry that would be her decision and an incredibly spiteful one. You would never use that threat to trap your dc or dh. Nor should you.

It has been incredibly stressful, but you are starting the New Year facing a better future for your family - from bad to better.

Re-thinking this, she has actually provided you with ammunition here. Just remind her when she kicks off again, that she had obviously reached the same conclusion as you had

Sorry, the kitten "sent" that to you before I had finished!!!

Tell her that she has obviously reached the same conclusion that you have, regarding you all living together, which is why she is selling up. She thought you would all up sticks and go with her though, so her plans will probably change again. Just don`t let yours!! You should be so proud of yourself.

Will never speak to me again etc.......if only!!

Thank you for the thanks and I hope you are having a good day out. Non stop rain in South England today, better where you are :-)

That's really important what you say about DS seeming to want to play you up once DGM back. I would bet he has been conditioned to do this. You can't blame a small child for enjoying lots of attention and he knows he gets it if he can get DGM to "rescue" him by getting himself in trouble with you or DH. He is being taught to be a victim just like her! So just keep this in your mind, for your DS and DD to have as best emotional development as they can, they need to not be living in this dynamic. Once you are way from it, you can start trying to heal yourself to also believe that you deserve to be away from it.

it's all still about her. Said drive to flat had nearly killed her and...took her and3 days to recover enough to drive back ..couldn't wash and has an infected foot. but funnily enough when she arrived back in a rage yday she managed to go upstairs, unpack, shower, light fire and watch tv all evening before going up to bed

Have to go home soon....not sure what awaits me.

Aye - she's at it.
Chin up OP...I know this must be hard for you. Stay resolute.
She has brought this upon herself.

Don't get drawn into discussion - be a broken record and keep repeating 'we feel it's for the best'. As others have pointed out, she brought up the subject of moving out first!!

She will say whatever it takes to get you to change your position now OP. Don't believe a word of it!