DH hit DD this morning for no reason

[Chainoffools]

I have name changed because I don't want this issue muddied by another issue I've posted in Relationships about recently.

This morning DD aged 4 got up, got herself a book and climbed into bed with us. She kept bumping the corners of the book into us by accident (we were still dozing but it was time to get up really). I got up, went for a shower, and when I came back to the bedroom DH was telling DD off.

And then he smacked her on her back, no warning. Not hard enough to hurt her but hard enough to show he was angry. I don't do smacking btw, although he has done it a couple of times and I've always pulled him up on it.

I sent her off to get dressed and asked him what that was all about. He said "she's getting on my nerves and I'm tired and irritable."

I told him it was completely unacceptable. He disagreed. Then dd was back in the room and all discussion had to stop.

I've brought the subject back up with him tonight after the dc were asleep. These are some of the things he said:

"You're insulting my family ... because that's how I was brought up."

"We'll have to agree to disagree."

"She was being a pest."

"She'd hurt me with the corner of the book."

"It wasn't a hit."

"I hit her harder when I was playing drums on her back tonight."

Him: "Your parents dragged you through nettles!"
Me: "yes and my dad still feels a shit for that."
Him: "You still love him."

Me: "she has rights as a person..."
Him: (incredulously) "she's 4!"
Me: "she's a person! She has the same rights as me!"
Him: "she's a minor! She doesn't have the same rights!"

"I'm sorry, but she (etc etc blah blah)" then later "what's your point? I've already apologised."

"She's hardly going to be traumatised by that is she."

"Duly noted." (final word, look of 'oh I'll go along with it to shut you up')

Am I overeacting to be thinking of taking my dc and leaving him over this?

I personally don't do hitting either. I was smacked (a lot) as a child and I feel it achieves nothing. The first person to raise a hand to me or mine would be out the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Is he sorry? Has he said it will never happen again?

I was bought up like that it's not insulting to say that it's wrong and I don't want that for my own children!

I would be very seriously considering walking out in your position. I must add though, that I am very anti-smacking due to some unpleasant experiences in my own childhood.

I'm really sorry that this is happening.

Is he sorry? Has he said it will never happen again?

No. He hasn't said either of those things.

What he's telling you is that he believes it is acceptable for him to physically abuse your dd in order to alleviate his anger with her. If left unchecked, he may physically abuse her when he's angry about matters that are entirely unconnected with her.

In your position I'd be thinking of making him leave the marital home over this and the fact that you've mentioned that there is another issue, or issues, in your marriage leads me to conclude that if I were you, he'd more than likely have returned home tonight to find his belongings on the doorstep.

FWIW, why was he 'playing drums' with more force than he used this morning on your dd's back tonight? Wtf was that about? I don't like the sound of your husband at all.

Your Father dragged you through nettles?

In which case I would be considering leaving. Your job is to protect your DC.

No child should be raised in a violent household IMO.

What is he like generally?

OP, I've already posted to say that I wouldn't be able to live with a man who did this.

I've reconsidered my advice to leave though, as really he should be the one leaving (unless you are in danger, in which case just go).

Also, whatever you decide, don't do anything tonight (again, unless you are in danger).

Hugs

DP smacked DS on the back once after DS bit him on the shoe and really hurt his foot. It was at a friends house and after wards i knew it was just reacting to the pain but it didn't make things better.

DS was 2.

When i saw the full handprint on his back, i handed DS over to DP's friend, walked calmly up to DP, and hissed very quiet and deadly like told him, 'If you ever hit my child again, i will stab you in the fucking eyes, bastard'
Sounds well violent and creepy i know.. but i was seething.
Am not a violent person believe me.

I truly believe he took me for my word.
He apologised to both me and DS and hasn't raised a hand to him again.
His ex allowed smacking and did it herself. He has explained to me that this often went 'overboard' and the kids ended up bruised/marked/one time with a black eye
Due to a rotten childhood i don't do smacking. The above, i told him clearly, wasn't discipline, it was child abuse.

I would not accept anyone harming the child that i carried for 9 months, unless it had to be done, ie, medical. Ask DH how he would feel if his boss got pissed with him at work and hit him.. Child or adult, its assault/physical abuse.

She needs to grow up knowing that if a man lays his hands on her in anger, its wrong, and she can proudly say 'not even my dad lays a hand on me fella so sling your hook'

YAANBU .. It is completely unacceptable and you have to show him so as you telling him is obv falling on deaf ears

^ totally agree.

He shouldn't have taken his anger/irritability out on her - totally unacceptable !! Very abusive !!

Agree with everything ThingsThatMakeYou said. Take a stand. Make him realise how serious this is and you are.

Oh god, the old 'it did me no harm' bollocks.

My mum got the leather belt off her step-dad, she didn't feel the need to lasso us with it when we were younger. I don't know any kids who are chimney sweeps either!

You have every right to feel the way you do.

FFS.
It was a minor tap to express feelings, not to hurt or abuse, to make a point, that point being - when you come into our bed, please behave correctly.

And you want to leave - ha ha!!

As for Thingsthatmakeyougohmm, surely she was exhibiting violent tendencies by threatening to stab someone in the eyes - therefore shouldn't be allowed to be near children? I'd LTB - leave the bitch.

I'm serious, she made threats, extremely violent and depraved threats, verbal abuse, but thats ok with you lot? It's obviously ok, because she says 'shes' not a violent person.....' Talk about double standards.

I agree with cronulla. I don't agree with smacking but this is a huge overreaction. This was not abuse. Some posters are seriously advocating leaving over this?!

She was being a pest and hurt him (accidentally) so he hit her? Would he hit a dog for that?

She was being a pest? That's a 4 year old little girl that deserves the right not to be hit for being a little annoying. Newsflash - sometimes children can be annoying! You don't bloody hit them for it!!

In my book smacking chidren is physical abuse teeth.

It wasn't done to me, I've never done it to my dc, and god help any adult who smacks or otherwise abuses a child in my presence.

And as for those who sing from the 'o we've all done it once or more when the dc has really wound us up or we had a bad day and ran low on patience' hymnbook - may your god have mercy on you because I won't.

My children have pushed me to my absolute limit before but I have just never hit them. We are supposed to be the people that look after them!

That's why I advocated the op leaving. Think how her DD feels!

Running low on patience, tired, irritated.. tempted to smack someone a third of your size? Go outside..another room, count to ten ect

And yes i threatened him with violence. No one else in the room, DS didn't overhear a screaming row..
You could clearly see the handprint on the back of my 2 year old baby.. IMO, he's lucky i said and didn't just do it.
No one abuses my kids.. or anyone elses even their own in front of me..they all know my feelings on the matter.
Children are tiny and sometimes annoying precious. Not fucking punchpags or stress dolls

• punchbags

I don't know what planet you come from, cronullan but I sure as hell hope you're not a 'sw' on this one.

And 'newsflash' even a three year old can understand an age appropriate verbal warning no need for hitting in this day and age

Cronulla New South Wales lol

My uncle lives there. He too, is a twerp

Must be something in the water

In that case, it seems they've got some mighty old fashioned ways in New SW, Things.

They 'tap' children to 'express feelings'? Where I am currently vacationing at the moment, they tap trees to extract syrup.