to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.

On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

I wonder if BIL realises that if he doesn't man up and something happens to your sister, they may be put into care, and the new carer might well be you?

Put that in his pipe and let him smoke it.

Your DSis is a special person to have done so much good work in the past. She really deserves better.

Good luck, Babylon.

Does your sis know you're going to tackle him? She may have been conditioned to defend and protect him, in which case if she's involved, she could wind up arguing with you, and you'd be facing the pair of them.

He'll probably come up with a load of guff about working really hard bringing home the bacon, and it's how their marriage works and none of your business, etc. Try not to engage. Clearly the marriage is not working or she wouldn't be like this, and he would be better at stepping up anyway.

Fingers crossed for you; will be thinking of you tomorrow. Happy birthday to your sis.

I will be tackling him alone (with my DF) without dsis having any knowledge.

I'll let you know how it goes

Sending you and DF calm and clarity to lay it all out for him. For the sake of those DCs he just has to get it.

hey babylon have not been around much as back at uni, and the work is fast and thick this semester.

sounds very much like you, dsis. df and dm are doing amazingly. please remember to tell dsis how well she is doing. I know it may not feelideal to be praising someone who is getting through a poor choice, but I think this time last week and the week before, who knew yiu would be reporting how well she is doing!!

I hope you are managing to enjoy your own baby and dcs aswell.

As for bil I think you and DF should be showing him the door and packing his bags for him. It is becoming more and more evident that he has been contributory to dsis state and is he continues to be very obstructive in her recovery, which is so very sad. But i think someone should talk with dsis about this and let her know that you will support her if she choses to leave him.

good luck for tomorrow. i think given the circs a lot of shit will hit the fan and I think that dsis and the children are your priority and let him know that when he is shown the door.

Babylon, wishing you good luck with the birthday and The Talk with BIL.

No useful words to offer, but my thoughts are with you while you find a way through this

Good luck with the talk tomorrow, Babylon - hope you can penetrate BIL's inactivity where it comes to his children and make him realise what he stands to lose if he carries on.

I hope your sister manages to have a nice dry birthday and yes, definitely tell her how well she is doing.

Having had an alcoholic sister myself for the last 17 years (a name search will show up my many many posts about her), I totally know how you feel. Al-Anon helped me enormously, it teaches you how to detatch and not think you can make it all better again. Only the alcoholic can do that. You are right to take care of the children, but you don't HAVE to feel compassion if you don't want to. I don't anymore, for my sister. She has had £1000s spent on her in rehabs that she has stayed in all over the world, at least 8 of them, from Cape Town to LA to London. She comes out and drinks again - its her CHOICE.

I am probably alone on this thread in saying this; Alcoholism is not a disease. Its a choice. Comparing it to epilepsy or diabetes is bollocks. You have no choice in that. Its not a disease that makes you go out to a supermarket, pick up a bottle of vodka and hand over the payment card and put in your PIN. Its choice. Its addiction yes, but ultimately there is a choice involved, in the same way that an alcoholic will then choose to attend meetings and get into recovery, or not. But alcoholism is often a symptom of a MH problem or the alcoholism can cause a MH problem and this can be treated.

My sister has wrecked our family and still carries on. She's currently in a hostel for homeless alcoholics in London somewhere and I no longer have her in my life.

I feel for you I really do. Unless you have been through this too, no one really ever understands. They waffle on about AA or reaching "rock bottom" ha!

Good luck with everything. Make sure you take care of yourself, as well. x

Im so sorry, I just went off on one and was completely unhelpful.

I jsut wanted to share in the hope it may help... My STBXHs mother was an alcoholic, alcoholism affected his upbringing and shaped his ehaviour and he is now an alcoholic himself with personality issues. His mother committed suicide in 1999 when we were in out mid-twenties but the damage had already been done.

It is harsh, but from the childrens perspectives I would say that your BIL needs lots of support and she needs to be removed from the family home until such a time that she is no longer dependant on alcohol or painkillers. Your neices/nephews childhoods have already been affected by addiction and this needs to end now. Not when your DS has gone through recovery or when she says she will try, another adult needs to take charge.

Practically, I would suggest that your BIL finds a childminder who can care for the children when he is at work and that your DS stays at her parents house or finds alternative accomodation and that her visitation is monitored.

I know I sound harsh but the children come first, poor wee souls.

I agree with saggy. The children must come first.

It's done.

I have spoken with BIL and DF too.

I was very calm, very cool and so collected, I almost frightened myself.

Dsis' birthday celebration was nice. We have marked her birthday sufficiently and it went off without a hitch.

BIL has been given a final opportunity to piss or get off the pot, as it were. He knows exactly where he stands and what the expectations are upon him.
He knows that his DCs have to come first over his work and everything else.

He now knows that the first time he fails to put them first in the future will be the last - the DCs will then move to live with grandparents. He wasn't happy at this, but DF and I pointed out that they are his responsibility, and in light of recent events, out of the two parents available, he has marginally more scope for bring responsible.

Dsis is still choosing not to drink. There was alcohol available this afternoon, but she chose to drink squash. I'm not daft, this could all be part of a master plan to get us all on side and thinking she is no longer dependent, however, I did say to both our parents that as far as I am concerned she will ALWAYS be alcohol dependent and one drink is all it will take.

She doesn't need to say no now, she needs to say no forever.

As I have said before, small steps and we're still taking it all one day at a time

Well done, Babylon, you get the Platinum Crown of Steely Determination! Hope he takes this opportunity to start his relationships afresh.

Well done Babylon, I hope BIL steps up to the mark. It is his responsibility.

And well done to DSis too for choosing not to drink. And you are right, she needs to not drink for the rest of her life. One day at a time for now though

Good on you.

Has he got any sort of plan in mind?

Well done Babylon. When something matters as much as the lives of children it's amazing what reserves of clarity you find to draw upon. Will keep praying for you all, and especially the children.

Wow, you're fantastic!

I'm really happy for your sister, that she enjoyed her birthday and is taking her recovery seriously. Fingers crossed for BIL.

I'm not fantastic, really I'm not. I love my nieces and nephews, and I suppose somewhere deep down I love my dsis too, though I'm still very very angry with her for the path she has chosen.

I will continue to support her as much as I can.

As for BIL, he now knows he has to step up to the mark and be a proper caring father to his DCs and a decent loving husband to his wife.

I told him I would speak to him again on Wednesday and I would need to know what his plans are both short and long term for the DCs.

Knowing that dsis will not be able to drive for 12 months is going to cause some issues and his first challenge is to overcome the issues and make sure the DCs can get to/from school safely and on time.

I will let you know what happens.

Your sister did amazingly well to be at her own birthday party, with alcohol around her, and not drink.

Well done Babylon for tackling the BIL, and well done to sis for enjoying her own birthday party. You are absolutely right that she will forever be an alcoholic, but with support she can remain a recovering alcoholic.

You are fantastic though, and amazing, even if you don't see it. So you're wrong on the score

Babylon, you are fantastic, like it or not!

Good luck speaking to BIL tomorrow Babylon.

You're much more patient than I think I could be, but we don't know until we find ourselves in these situations.

FWIW I think you're fab
would send hugs but trying so hard to fit in here

Been thinking of you, Babylon and hope you're alright. Take care of yourself too, y'hear? :)

Still so far so good, but small steps

I'm ok, taking care of myself as I'm full of stinking cold but I'm ok

Delurking to say how impressed I am with you BabylonPI and your sister is lucky to have you.