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to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

526 replies

BabylonPI · 13/09/2012 22:24

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws Sad

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse Sad

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.

On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap Angry

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted Sad

Sorry, I did say it was long.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 21/09/2012 23:59

Well no, I haven't said "let him sort himself out" (and I can't work out if you're paraphrasing me at the beginning of your last post or those are your own thoughts, sorry) - he may well have dissociative disorder and he may well need help BUT the children have to still be the first priority of course.

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 00:06

lol thumbwitch no, that was all my own thoughts!

I didnt mean to say you had said 'let him sort himself out'.....I mean it reallY would be good to just let him sort himself out and not waste any time or energy thinking about him with all the other stuff to worry about

None of my previous post was disagreeing with you at all/put words in your mouth.....i was thinking out loud/agreeing with you Smile

mathanxiety · 22/09/2012 00:12

'There seems to be little benefit to trying to keep the children in the home at this stage I think. IMO lift the children to safety until the adults and their relationship has imploded and stabilized, and then see what is left to go back to..... '

I agree, and he needs to be assessed as to competence.

BoffinMum · 22/09/2012 07:28

I agree with the others - kids need to be temporarily removed to extended family while their parents sort themselves out, whatever the reasons for their behaviour.

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2012 08:13

I am a bit dim sometimes, MrDobalina! Probably due to babybrain, sorry! :)

mistlethrush · 22/09/2012 08:29

Babylon - I was just wondering whether there was anything you could do to make a transfer to your home as speedy and painless as possible if its needed?

I hope that you can perhaps take the children out for a day again.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 22/09/2012 08:57

has there been any child protection meeting yet.

I have only just caught up with your update, Im shocked at BIL, there is something giong on with him for sure, wether that be that he is a uselesss fecker who is behaving deliberatly obstructivley or there is something else underlaying as MrD suggests.

Has your ds experienced DV at the hands of DB, I just wonder as this could be explination that he is being deliberaltly obstructive as to keep Dsis down.

I have no idea really justy looking for explinations for such odd behaviour from him.

Jux · 22/09/2012 12:27

I think that there is no one in your dSis's home who is competent to look after the children during the night. Though there are people around during the day etc, that's not so much when the kids need you. Can they go for a 'holiday' to yours, or GP's home? They know what's happening, and would probably be mightily relieved when all's said and done.

Bossybritches22 · 22/09/2012 15:23

Hi Babylon,

Yes maybe an extended holiday with the GP's & you just chilling when not at school & being part of proper family life would be ideal.

How are they doing with all this upheaval at home, are they OK at school, hope their teachers are being understanding & supportive?

puds11 · 22/09/2012 15:29

Maybe BIL is worried that if DSIS sobers up she will realize what a useless fuckwit he is.

How are you doing Babylon?

garlicnutty · 22/09/2012 15:51

Hi, Babylon :) Just sending you a supportive cheer from the sidelines!

Not surprised to hear about BIL. Something prompted your sister to try and hide from reality after DC2 was born. Maybe she'd been making excuses for his failure to muck in with DD1, then realised she was in for a lifetime of single parenthood with a whingeing partner for extra points. Conjecture. Well done, your Dad!

Really glad you 'got' Al-Anon and are planning to go again. Keep making time for you!

Pumpkin20 · 22/09/2012 20:00

Would COAP (Children of Addicted Parents) be helpful to you and the DCs? Don't know anything about them except that I remember them being mentioned on the telly recently. Might be useful for the eldest especially to get support from others in similar situation, just as you are getting from MN?

Just a thought.

BabylonPI · 22/09/2012 21:42

I typed out a long post and lost it Sad

I'm ok thank you, tired but ok.

Will check back and update tomorrow.

OP posts:
MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 22:35

i hope you are having a peaceful weekend babylon

MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 22:37

thumbwitch its probably me, I don't think I express myself very well in this media...i should use more emoticons Smile Smile Grin Wink

skyebluesapphire · 22/09/2012 23:05

MrD - (I also keep having to remind myself you are not a man, lol)..

I think you express yourself fine. I am glad that you stayed with this thread as I think you have been very helpful to Babylon. Grin :) Grin

It is great to see Babylon getting such support on here after being so helpful to Lou

BabylonPI · 22/09/2012 23:30

You are all so supportive and I appreciate it so much. Smile

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 22/09/2012 23:39

Today was not such a good day.

We found another hiding place with dsis' stash of vodka Sad

She had hidden it in the garage and got really pissed off when DM found it SadAngry

I'm glad it was found - not because she can't now drink it, but because it emphasises and confirms that Dsis cannot yet be trusted - she really is waiting until we're not watching anymore (at least that's how it seems).

It also brings it home to DM that a sober week does not cure an alcoholic.

There is a plan in place whereby the DCs can be lifted quickly and without fuss to either mine or GPs house.

BIL isn't a bad person, he has a severe lack of common sense. For someone with his level of intelligence, it's quite scary.

He's a good dad in his own way - lots of patience for the DCs etc, but treats them all like little adults, so doesn't really parent them IYSWIM.

He doesn't exert any control or authority over the DCs and he wouldn't have a clue about discipline.

I struggle to have a conversation with him as he's so bloody intelligent and we just don't have anything in common at all Sad

OP posts:
BabylonPI · 22/09/2012 23:40

Thank you also for the various links to support groups etc, again it's very helpful and definitely appreciated Smile

OP posts:
MrDobalina · 22/09/2012 23:43

i'm just going to sleep, so will be brief;

it is advisable not to look for hiding places. And don't throw any alcohol away that you find. Leave it. Don't tell dsis you have found it

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2012 23:43

Babylon - that's often the case with high intellect people - they seem to use all their brain energy on intellect and leave none for "common sense".
But you do have something in common - the children. And he needs to start changing his focus from his intellectual pursuits to his children, so I suggest you start talking to him about his children a lot more - try to make him understand that they are still too small to be independent and still need care and guidance. If necessary (don't know his field), describe them as a "project" to him, to get through to his intellectual side so he actually takes an interest in them.

Glad you found the stash, despite its implications. Hope there aren't too many more - is there a garden shed? or a drain cover?

Thumbwitch · 22/09/2012 23:44

Xposted with MrD - that's interesting - why would you leave it there, MrD? To prevent enabling again?

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed · 23/09/2012 00:46

Yep, throwing it away just makes them feel justified in feeling resentful "of course I wasn't going to drink it" and "I forgot it was there, proof that I'm not an alcoholic".

Leave it and see if it is drunk.

You can't stop an alcoholic from drinking. You simply can't. Only the person themselves can decide to stop.

MrDobalina · 23/09/2012 00:50

because you achieve nothing positive by throwing the drink away;

the alcoholic can always get more
it makes them angry
it will intensify any craving they have
they will just find a better hiding place next time
you affect your own self, by becoming a person who is always looking for the hidden drink, which is not a healthy supportive role
you cant control the person or their drinking

anecdotally...a husband of a friend kept his bottles under the floor boards....you cant go ripping up floor-boards looking for drink can you...its crazy

Thumbwitch · 23/09/2012 00:51

Thanks both - wouldn't have thought of that aspect of it Blush