to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.

On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

(((hughs))) Babylon's Mum.

It's all so very sad. How are the children?

Hi all

Still small steps, but still not had a drink which is good.

Children have all said how much calmer things are, and how nice it is to have a routine again.

Gave Dsis info on the dry drunk - she will read and digest it.

Feeling positive but apprehensive if that makes sense

Will update more tomorrow

"Positive but apprehensive" makes perfect sense!

Good to hear from the DC that they're feeling more secure - and able to say so :)
Happy dreams, Babylon & family.

Babylon'sMum You are amazing, doing what you are doing for your daughter & the grandchildren,it must be so hard and heartbreaking.

Can't add to the great advice here already but lots of hugs & strength to you.

Babylon that goes for you to of course! Hows that scrummy baby of yours, hope you still get time for lots of cuddles?

I have just spent a rather lovely few hours with DM and dsis.

We've chatted a bit, I did a bit of ironing because I like it and find it very therapeutic we laughed, which was nice.

Dsis has had a kick in the teeth in the shape of dvla. Because she has been officially diagnosed as alcohol dependent she has to either volunteer her driving licence for 12 months or dvla will revoke it for 12 months.
If she had been diagnosed as suffering from alcohol misuse (rather than dependent) it would be 6 months.

I actually don't think it's a bad thing, but it does have huge implications for the school run over the next 12 months.

She was pretty gutted, and though I've honestly said it's not something I can help with (I have to get 2 of my own DCs into school each day) I will try to find a way to support her through it.

BIL being very unsupportive/uncooperative wrt this too

Basically he works four long days each week and has a day off each week. If he were to work five shorter days and not have a day off, he would be able to do the school run at least once a day - but he had the audacity to say that if he does that, when would HE get a break?

I was furious when I heard him (on phone to dsis) say that.
I shall ask him next time I see him when dsis gets a break or a day off, because even though she's a SAHM days off don't come easy with 4 DCs

I shall also be suggesting that Dsis starts to look for some p/t work. BIL can sort childcare for once.

Grrrrrrr

Very pleased that you've had a nice day and some laughs Babylon. That's great.

It's a shame for the DCs that your BIL is about as robust and useful as the proverbial confectionery teapot. I am . Could they arrange a taxi on account to take the DCs and DSis?

In recognition of your excellent work supporting your family I would like to make you a generous offer of an overflowing basketful of ironing to do .

Thank you!!

I really do love ironing and mowing lawns - if I could set up a business I would!!!

Your BIL really has not got a clue has he?

I second getting a taxi sorted out- HE can bloody pay for it too.

What did Dsis do workwise before the kids came along? Could she pick up something along the same lines or something less stressful for the moment?

So this 'amazingly' intelligent bloke is really just another selfish twunt, then. (Excuse my language MamaBabylon).

Glad that despite his lack of care, you are all becoming relaxed enough to enjoy time together.

Is there another parent at the school that can take the children in?

I mean in to school, not in for good.

There are other parents who have offered to help yes.

BIL is indeed a selfish twunt

Dsis used to be a specialist cancer nurse before DCs

Blimey. That must be one of the hardest nursing jobs there is. They are amazing people but have to be so tough.

BIL will not, under any circumstances, take some measure of responsibility for his children getting to or from school? Point blank refusal?

It's almost as if he is thinking that when the chips are down, they're her children, and when he feels like getting fawned over, when they get excited at seeing him, then he'll notice them. In other words, when it's convenient and the reward is adequate, he will deign to interact with his kids, so long as he doesn't have to put himself out.

I am very very cross with your BIL.

You know, propping yourself up and/or hiding problems with booze & pills ain't too clever but my sympathy for your sister's having made that mistake is growing daily :( When she swapped an emotionally and physically demanding career for an emotionally and physically demanding family life, she also gave up the adult support she found at work.

Looks like your discovery may have been a cry for help ... Glad you heard it, Babylon. I know she's on a bumpy road. I'm quietly encouraging her steps along it.

I have to agree with garlic - I think your BIL may have contributed quite heavily to your sister's problem :(
What an utter arse he is.

You all need to have an intervention with the BIL.

You must avoid enabling this selfishness/opting out of his at all cost.

He must come up with a realistic parenting plan for HIS children at whatever meeting or series of meetings you arrange, and it probably needs to be set out in writing. You could start with a meeting at which everyone tells him what his problems are and what the family needs from him. He could be told to come up with a realistic plan about how he will meet the needs of the children and his wife (logistical, emotional support, practical issues -- how is he going to be a husband and father in these circumstances basically). A second meeting could be arranged so he has a deadline to work to when he formulates his plan.

I feel very strongly that if this man doesn't man up it would be best to take the children out of the house. They need at least one functioning parent and right now they don't have one -- sadly it seems they haven't had one for quite a long time.

Has he told anyone at work yet?

As I said a long way up thread, if your DSis had passed away Babylon, and thank heavens that's not the case, BIL would either have to man-up or put his DCs into care. I agree utterly that he needs to realise how if he is not part of the solution then he is part of the problem.

I fear that all has not been well in their marriage for many years. It sounds like he has opted out and treats coming home when the children are there as an easy way to have 'contact' with them. His day off is for him , he doesn't parent when the DCs aren't in school, he's been enabling his DW's drinking for a long long time.

Every relationship is 100% each person's responsibility. He needs to realise that his marriage and his family are totally his responsibility, just as they are totally your DSis'. She is working on her side (even if it is a two steps forward, one step back process) and he needs to work on his. Full stop. Make him see this.

Ooch, got a bit hot under the collar there. Your BIL isn't weak and out of touch. He's strong and powerful and has been getting his own way for far too long. His DCs need to come first, and not just for once, for ever.

This must be so hard for you and your parents, Babylon, just to see the extent of the whole can of worms and the mess both these adults have got themselves into. Your BiL sounds very very immature. Who on earth else is responsible for the DC if not him?

Hope this is not wearing you out too much - you are a fabulous aunt and sister.

Does he understand that if he doesn't pull himself together then his wife will slide back into the state she was in before. She can't work on this on her own. They have both contributed to this problem and he needs to look at his own part in it. I second math's suggestion.

Babylon, you are a fab sister and aunt.

I agree sounds like BIL has really been contributing to the initial problem then compounding/enabling it by refusing to take reponsibility for his own family

Your sis sounds like she was a strong woman before, hopefully with this back up & intervention she can be again.

Could she get any PT work in nursing to help get her back into it? (eventually I mean not immediately) Even if only on the fringes of where she was before?

I can't believe your BIL , what a selfish idiot he is. He should be bending over backwards to rearrange his life to be there for his children. It is his responsibility to get them to school. He should be rearranging his hours and also taking some time off.

Thank god those kids have you looking out for them.

I hope that you and your DSis can get through this and become a lot closer

Thank you all

I will see BIL on Sunday and he is going to get both barrels about manning up

Dsis is still doing well, still sober and has voluntarily surrendered her driving licence for 12 months. Better to surrender it than have it revoked - her choice.

Tomorrow is dsis 40th birthday.

I'm not looking forward to coming face to face with BIL - but will report!