Is it really possible to love two people at the same time?

[joona]

A male friend of mine has confided in me that he has been having an affair for the last 5 years.
We have known eachother since we were kids as our parents are also close friends.

He got engaged at 23 after his girlfriend of 2 years discovered she was pregnant, but they have never married. They have been together for 9 years in total.

He hasnt been himself lately, he's been very down in the dumps & withdrawn. He told me last night that he has been having an affair for almost 5 years with a woman he used to work with.

Now i dont condone cheating, my theory is that if you are unhappy in a relationship, you should end it before starting a new one.

He claims the affair started after his relationship went stale, and that he and his partner are more friends than a couple these days. He says he stays for the child, and that he does still love his partner "in a funny way" ... But that he has also fallen in love with the other woman and canr imagine his life without her.

He says it has come to the point where he is struggling to continue living his double life, but is having difficulty choosing between them.

His partner discovered his affair about a year in, and he ended it... Only to resume it a few months later, which his partner knows nothing about.

I dont know what advice to give him.
There is a saying that goes "if you love 2 people, choose the. 2nd, because if you really loved the first then you wouldnt fall for the second"

But is that a myth or can you really love two people at once? All views are much appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Tell your friend he is a total knob. And until he sorts himself out you're not willing to be his shoulder to cry on. What a git.

I'd say you can love 2 people, but you can't be in love with 2 people. I'm not convinced that your saying is correct, because if you really loved the second, you'd have got rid of the first straight away.

I think your friend should either split with them both and build a life alone, or dump the OW and make a go of things with his wife. It's not fair on either of them as it is.

he is a selfish knob, avoid him.

I think you can. But differently.

But what your friend is doing is having his cake and then some.

having his cake and eating it

Thats exactly the first thought that came into my mind aswell.

But as he talked, he seemed to be genuinely torn about what to do. Its the first time i had seen him cry since his brother passed away 6 yrs ago.

I told him in un-sugar coated terms that i strongly disagree with what he is doing, and he agrees that he needs to make a choice either way.. but is struggling to decide which way to go because he cares deeply for both women.

"I'd say you can love 2 people but not be in love with 2 people"

Maybe this is what he ment when he said he still loves his partner 'in a funny way'?

FairyFriend he is not married to his partner.

Yes. I wouldn't have thought so but find it is.

Believe me it's totally possible to love two people at once - its what you do about it that's a problem or not.

I'm totally in love with my DH but also love someone else - yes it is love. However I have not, and will not ever embark on an affair with the OM, sexual or emotional, (He's an aquaintance of mine who i see sometimes while out and hang out with but i never moan and whinge to him about anything, especially DH etc, am never alone with him, dont have his number so cant call him, and certainly never go drinking with him!) If I ever felt even tempted to have an affair I would first tell DH and discuss and if needed, leave. (Oh and yes my DH even knows about my feelings as I even felt I needed to tell him that as yes it might hurt him but he has a right to know. He was upset but wanted me to stay as he trusts me for telling him and I'm always honest about when the OM is gonna be out with my group of friends and leave it to DH to say Y or N to me going out that night. He usually says Y but if having a bad day says N so I stay in. My marriage and DH ate most important to me.)

Tell your friend he has to chose, it's the only fair way. Unfortunatly someone's heart is gonna get broken and either way his will also be broken but he has to stop living a lie as its not fair on anyone involved.

Properformer your name says it all. You're full of self-centred self-congratulatory bullshit.

Must be shit great being your DH.

Give the poor man a break and move out.

God almighty.

properformer (picks self up off floor)

you write thi:

If I ever felt even tempted to have an affair I would first tell DH and discuss and if needed, leave. (Oh and yes my DH even knows about my feelings as I even felt I needed to tell him that as yes it might hurt him but he has a right to know. He was upset but wanted me to stay as he trusts me for telling him and I'm always honest about when the OM is gonna be out with my group of friends and leave it to DH to say Y or N to me going out that night. He usually says Y but if having a bad day says N so I stay in. My marriage and DH ate most important to me

This is one of the most self-serving load of shite I have ever read on here. I hope you and OM are very conceited laughing at your partners happy.

Jeeesh

Actually unlikely I did say I was going to move out and be on my own for a bit to sort things out in my head, but it was my DH who begged me to stay as he loves me and appreciated my honesty. If he had wanted me to go or I didn't love him I'd go. I'm not being self congratulatory - it was hard at first and it hurt me and DH, of course it did, but it's better than living a lie and we talked about things over and over. Please don't judge me if you don't know me. All I was saying is there is no excuse for an affair.

I made the right desicion - that convo with DH happened over a year ago now and our marriage has gone from strength to strength. When I do see the OM out with my friends I still have feelings for him but ya know what, I hang out with the others in the group and treat him like I would any other acquaintance. I don't want to leave my DH and my DH doesn't want me to leave. I'd stop seeing the OM socially full stop in a heartbeat if my DH wanted me to and he knows that - I can go out plenty of times with my mates without OM there but DH trusts me.

Sorry unlikely but you don't know me or my DH at all.

(and my name is cos I'm a pro instrumentalist - well used to be before having my DS when I gave it up to spend time with him. Was chosen cos it's so different from my usernames on other sites, no other reason.)

I also don't set out to see OM, my best mate also knows about the situation and it's her who tells me if she knows OM is going to be there. At first I never went out on those nights - DH asked why, I told him and he told me to stop being stupid and go out with my mates anyway. Maybe I should just not say anything whether I know he's gonna be around or not, but I believe in honesty, what's right for me and my DH is not right for everyone though, I respect that and if that wouldn't work for you then that's fine.

Think maybe it's the loving and inlove thing - I have feelings of love for OM but am inlove with DH - never really any question of who I love most, always DH..... But I can still love someone else in a different way and never act on it.

Sorry, I'm crap at explaining stuff but honestly I'm not self centred over this..... It's mine and DH's lives and yes it hurts me and prib DH too, I feel shit for having these feelings, but I can't help my feelings, I can help my actions, which is what I was trying to say about OP's friend. I chose my DH, the fact I still see OM is down to my DH, not me, I realise it was phrased badly in my OP - its not that I ask DH's permission to go out those nights it's more "So why aren't you going out to X tonight?" "Cos OM's gonna be there." "Oh for god sake just go. I trust you." or sometimes "Fair enough, don't go!"

Maybe I've dug myself a deeper hole in some people's eyes but.... I don't condone cheating on any level, I condone honestly - the truth can hurt but I believe the truth is best whatever happens.

the fact I still see OM is down to my DH, not me

As in I'd never go out nights he'd be there but DH tells me to go after I've said why I'm not going out. As OM is mutual friends with some of my friends it's almost certain I will see him during the night at some point and we'll probably chat together within our group of friends.

Like I said I crap at explaining things. I respect your views and TBH if I were not in the situation myself I would find my posts hard to believe too - honestly! I still find my DH's attitude hard to believe as does my BM - if I hadn't been living this for a year I wouldn't even be posting that it's possible to live like this (and I certainly don't think it would work for many people!) but it works for us.

Also (this is for OP) whether the friend decides to stay or leave their partner, I believe he should be honest about the affair, even if it will mean he will prob get chucked out. His partner deserves to know.

No.

You can love someone , but you can only be in love with one person.

If you say otherwise then I don't believe you know what true love for a partner is.

He's a twat btw.

I expect your DH is shagging around behind your back Pro . Good on him.

properformer

I too think he should be honest with his partner. He says he couldnt bare to hurt her as he still cares for her... But isnt he hurting her by deceiving her in the 1st place? The truth will always come out eventualy, and i think she would be even more hurt knowing that he has been hiding this thing for so long...
Also he says he couldnt bare to not live under the same roof as his child, but at the same time he cant see his life without the other woman.

Lets face it, a 5 year relationship with another woman is very different to a quick fling or one night stand, and he's eating himself up over what to do so i do believe there are genuine feelings between him and the other woman.

(grr sorry bad editing on my part - By 'still see' I meant 'still come into contact socially with' - kinda different maybe? I dunno. Think I may have to bow out of this thread cos I can see I not explaining things well. I have a DH I'm in love with and a male friend who I love to pieces but not romantically - sorta love like if he'd been involved in an accident I'd be right by his bedside, but not that I'd want to jump into bed with him or anything.... Does that help you understand? )

unlikely if he is I'll be angry! Not nesisarily for what he's doing but because he's not being honest - I would never shag around behind his back - I'd never shag around and then be honest and tell him either - if I wanted to shag around then I wouldn't be in love with my DH so I'd leave. Loveing someone else just means you care about them deeply, not that you want to shag them!

properformer i understand where you're coming from

I think this is what other people have ment when they've said "you can love two people but not be in love with more than one"

I now wonder if this is what my friend means when he says he still loves his partner "in a funny way" ... Maybe that he loves her as the mother of his child, and for the fact that they have been together for 9 yrs and shared alot of memories.. therefore he doesnt want to be responsible for hurting her.. but he is now in love with the other woman?

Does that make any sense?

(However if he told me he has feelings for someone else but wants to stay with me - fine, he's honest, we'll work through it because we have trust.)

Yes you can be in love with two people at the same time but as an adult you are able to make choices and decisions. Some are very difficult but it is not impossible.

It's about respecting your partner, your family and yourself enough to not act on your urges. If your not able to make these decisions then it's time to seek counselling.

Yes joona that makes perfect sense to me.

I think what you said us what I'm trying to say too. I'm in love with my DH cos he is an amazing man, wonderful husband, brilliant father and all other reasons and I love this other guy cos he's a great laugh, really caring and likes to dance (the one and only thing my DH lacks! Lol) Maybe some would say 'why did I feel the need to tell my DH then?'' but that's just because we tell each other everything - he's been hurt in the past by a partner who kept something from him because she thought it would hurt him, so we even added to our wedding vows never to hide anything from each other - however painful.

Mind I can see where unlikely is coming from too and I hope and pray its not from bitter experience of being cheated on or lied to or knowing someone who has been. I just hope none of my replies have come across as attacks - if so I apologise.

From what i can see, the way you feel for your male friend is the same sort of love you would feel for a female friend.. i dont see anything wrong with that, and i also think honesty is important, however small or large the 'secret'..

some men may feel insecure about their partner having such a close friendship with another man, even a strictly platonic one.. some men would read more into it, so telling your partner shows you have nothing to hide, and that your friendship with the other man is innocent.

That's exactly it joona.

However reading back some of my posts, particularly my OP I can see where confusion may have arisen - I should learn to either not post stuff or read and re-read it over and over imagining I'm someone who doesn't know the situation because tbh I prob would've said the same as unlikely if that had been her posting and me reading my op.

unlikely please accept my apologies for any confusion etc that may have arisen, and for my tone in my first post back to you which was harder and more defensive than intended. No hard feelings I hope. :Offers a shake hands but totally understands if refused as sounds like I unwittingly caused upset: