Is it really possible to love two people at the same time?

[joona]

A male friend of mine has confided in me that he has been having an affair for the last 5 years.
We have known eachother since we were kids as our parents are also close friends.

He got engaged at 23 after his girlfriend of 2 years discovered she was pregnant, but they have never married. They have been together for 9 years in total.

He hasnt been himself lately, he's been very down in the dumps & withdrawn. He told me last night that he has been having an affair for almost 5 years with a woman he used to work with.

Now i dont condone cheating, my theory is that if you are unhappy in a relationship, you should end it before starting a new one.

He claims the affair started after his relationship went stale, and that he and his partner are more friends than a couple these days. He says he stays for the child, and that he does still love his partner "in a funny way" ... But that he has also fallen in love with the other woman and canr imagine his life without her.

He says it has come to the point where he is struggling to continue living his double life, but is having difficulty choosing between them.

His partner discovered his affair about a year in, and he ended it... Only to resume it a few months later, which his partner knows nothing about.

I dont know what advice to give him.
There is a saying that goes "if you love 2 people, choose the. 2nd, because if you really loved the first then you wouldnt fall for the second"

But is that a myth or can you really love two people at once? All views are much appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

I'm not getting it quite ProPerformer. How can you know you love a person without having formed an emotional or physical bond? -either of which seem a letdown to a degree. It's just fantasy and attraction if you don't know someone that closely is it not? Which can happen to anyone and I would think is not worth mentioning and causing upset. I'd say love is more based on reality. Your H sounds mature and great though for not pulling a jealous strop, most would I think.

Getting back to the OP, well more about his bit on the side. I wonder if she has a DP or a DH too ? Otherwise, she can't think much of herself if she's happy to wait around for 5 years just off the scraps he must be giving her - very attractive and needy that must come across - not! Clearly the wife is the better woman. I'd like to think that she's having her bit too, poetic justice that would be ;-)

From what i understand, she is single. They developed a friendship while they worked together, which later turned into something more.. and in my opinion, something it shouldnt have.

I dont know the woman in question but i do know his partner (not wife, they never married)

He tells me she continues to see him as she understands that he doesnt want to jepordise his relationship with his child.. apparently his partner discovered the affair about a year in, and threatened that if he didnt end it, she would move back to ireland with their child, which would make it difficult to see him often.

He did end it. But it resumed a few months later and has continued until now, where he finds himself at a cross roads as far as choosing what to do is concerned. I believe he does genuinely love this other woman, otherwise why would he even risk going back to her knowing how high the stakes are?

However, i strongly disagree with what he is doing.. although i can understand why he may be finding it hard to make a decision. (Not that it justifes his actions, before anyone thinks im defending him here - which i am not.)

Reminds me of when I inadvertently kissed a married man. I had fancied him a while, had generally chatted on previous meetings, had a mutual acquaintance and was thrilled he was responding to my looks this night. Lots of passionate snogging later on (I was very drunk, it was my birthday).
Bumped into him a few months later and got chatting again, seemed to fancy me, complementary comments made etc. This time he was out with his brother, identical twin!! His brother was the single one who I had been chatting to previous occasions and fancied and the letch was married :-o. Looked exactly alike but different personalities. Shame, his single brother seemed less interested I think and I was def not into his bro now. Some you lose, I see the funny side luckily :-)

opento I know it's love because..... I really can't explain it well... We don't know each other closely but the spark when we are together can't be missed if you get what I mean, we've had strangers think we are a couple before when we have just been sitting together at the pub chatting with friends. From the moment we met we just 'clicked'.
I'm choosing not to get too close - I trust myself and my feelings but I'm only human and don't believe in tempting fate.

He just doesn't want to let her go and find someone who truly loves her

Arsehole

Deciding between his OW and child sounds more like it. Bet he'd find it easier to split if she hadn't threatened that. It's hard all round, his DP has been understandably desperate enough to threaten him with the child. I doubt anyone is happy now, she may have guessed but is 'tolerating it'. What a way for everyone to live! Meanwhile the child's future life hangs in the balance, as does everyone's. The threat of his DP to take her away from D has created a life on hold.

Yes, Pro, sounds like a heavy case of matching chemistry to me. Pheromones a lot to do with these cases. Which appears more like attraction to me. But that's just my opinion, not believing that 'the one' exists. There can be many 'ones'. It's a physical response. I have a scientific approach to it, helps keep a level head

Then he should free her up, and take her to court for contact with the DC which is a totally seperate issue

I doubt she'd want to stay if she knew the truth

But she can't use the child as a weapon

OP tell him to grow a pair and release this lady to be free to love again, and see a solicitor about contact

I have a friend like that and he's not being fair to expect you to shoulder all this x

Seems like your friend may be the first to crack under the pressure. Someone has to for change to occur. He has to weigh it all up -reality of threat?, the worth of his OW. Something will change when the present becomes more unbearable than any perceived future outcome, he may be getting there which is why he is so unhappy at the moment. Tell him that status quo is doing nobody any favours as they are all living a lie. He should perhaps 'grow a pair' and get it out in the open for better or worse - that way I'd guess one of the 4 of them at least will have a better future instead of all being miserable.

Exactly. As ive said, i have morals and i dont condone cheating under any circumstances. But i can understand why he is so torn about what to do.

He says he does love his partner, but i assume he means in a 'different' way to what he used to... Just as the mother of his child, and someone he has shared alot of his past with. If he was still in love with her, would he really be capable of having a 5yr relationship with OW? ... 5yrs is hardly a fling.

He talks about OW much more passionately, it's her he wants to be with but cares too much for his partner to break her heart ... As far as he is concerned, what she doesnt know cant hurt her. He also takes his child into account, he says it would kill him if they didnt live under the same roof, that child is the apple of his eye...

In an ideal world, we would all be madly in love with our childrens father and live happily ever after. But we dont live in an ideal world, people change, feelings change, people fall out of love.. even with the best intentions we sometimes find ourselves in situations we never dreamed we would be in... And i guess we cant help who we fall in love with and when, thats human nature, beyond our control.

But we can control how we handle these situations. And that's something he's failed to do. He's been living a lie for 5yrs, it's got out of hand. It's unfair on all parties involved and i really have no clue about how to advise him on this.

I dont believe he should be with his DP if his heart lies with the OW... But i can see why he's afraid to leave. It seems like a lose-lose situation for all involved.

Had many a 'spark'. Does't mean some aren't plonkers in the end though. You get older and realise that though the spark is fab it should not let one accept less than one deserves. I would not be interested without it, but should be ignored when inappropriate person is creating it

Hmm... I think you can help who you fall in love with. Some people think 'this is it' when there is a great spark. As I say, had a few great sparks over the years, it often gets confused with being in love. Sparks without red flags, now there is the key. Trouble is that people who can't help reacting to sparks end up being the ones who react to future sparks and are probably not trustworthy long-term. Those having the willpower to ignore the spark unless it's attached to a worthy person will get a happier full package - hence the love side, when it all just fits and there is no hassle because it's all gelling well and is love can flow freely. Ahh, romantic and scientific all at the same time I am... it's a thing to aim for.

I think what I'm saying is that he is responsible for creating this situation, as is the OW. They have come unstuck by reacting to the spark and taking it further. Though I wonder why they never married? Could it be that they have known for sometime that the child has been used as the glue that holds them together. It's perhaps telling that engagement occurred after pregnancy but nothing further. Duty mixed with habit and shared experiences since, can seem a powerful draw, but is perhaps not enough to sustain if the passion was not that great enough at the beginning. A relationship that was good enough only for engagement ?

When his partner fell pregnant it was un-planned, they had been together for 2yrs at the time. He thought it was best to 'do the right thing', they got engaged, bought a house (previous to the pregnancy they were living seperately).

She has been pressuring him to set a date ever since, but it has never happened. It seems she WANTS to get married, but he only proposed out of 'duty' as you put it. He has never said that to me in so many words, but as you said, it's odd that they havent even set a date after 7yrs of engagement if marriage is what both of them wanted.

open I wish I was as level headed as you.
For myself I'm one of the people who could easily 'fall for the spark' but don't let myself. I did that with DH when we first got engaged after just 5 months together, luckily I realised that and we talked and waited two years before actually getting married - waited for that spark to 'even out' a bit and 'normal life' to kick in. Thankfully it was real love but also hence why I'm wary of myself around sparks - especially if alcohol is involved.

I think your friend has got himself confused with a decent man who is trying to do the right thing, when in fact he is a long-term deceiver and liar whose selfishness knows no limits.

If this man really is a long-term friend, I'm surprised he's managed to hoodwink you with this tall tale that really doesn't bear scrutiny.

Of course he's not in love with his partner. He's been treating her with contempt for 5 years and threw her forgiveness in her face and resurrected his relationship with the OW. Getting away with that for so long is such a massively disrespectful thing to do to someone, it just wouldn't be possible to be 'in love' with her, quite apart from the fact that he's investing that part of himself elsewhere.

I don't buy this story of her threatening him with moving away, either. If he'd married her he would have got automatic parental responsibility and therefore some parental rights and if he cared that much about being a father to his child, he would have moved to wherever that child was, especially Ireland which is hardly 1000s of miles away. People even commute from the UK to work there, FGS!

I don't think he loves either woman, to be honest. What he's doing is not love. The OW is at least aware of the situation and is old (and daft) enough to make her own decisions about living this life for 5 years, but no-one who truly loves someone would let her do that. He would have set her free long ago.

He will only make a move when it suits him rest assured - and when the consequences of that move are the least troublesome to him, as opposed to his partner, his child and the OW.

charbon while your post really does make sense, i have to say i dont agree with everything you say:

"If he'd married her he would have got automatic parental responsibility"

So what you're saying is that he should have married her, simply because they have a child together & not because he wants to spend the rest of his life with her?? ... His name is on the birth certificate & he has been a hands on dad from day 1... U dont have to be married to the childs mother to be a good father these days.. if they married just for the sake of their child, their marriage would not be a happy one, and would inevitably break down somewhere down the line.

And you are right, ireland isnt exactly 1000's of miles away, but he has lived under the same roof as his child & seen him every day since he was born... Therefore if his child was taken to a different part of the uk, it would be a big change, and not one he would welcome.

The mother has shown no desire to move back there, and used it only when she discovered her partner was considering leaving.. which in my opinion, is a way of forcing him to stay even though she knows he doesnt really want to.

And she cant be happy knowing she is in a relationship which now only exists for that reason?

I used to work for a man who had a wife and two daughters. When his daughters left home as young adults, he left his wife. It became apparent he had been having an affair with someone else for 20 years.

The thing is he made a huge part of his wife's life a lie. For 20 years she had no idea. His children can't abide him now for making their lives a lie. They're disgusted by him.

It's an appallingly selfish way to behave.

I find it strange that you're accepting his entire version events as the truth. If you're such an old and good friend, don't you know this woman - his partner of 9 years?

So you've only got his word for it that his partner really has threatened to move to Ireland, but even if she did that was years ago and if she actually went through with it, he could still be an excellent co-parent despite not living with his child all the time.

Of course I don't think people should get married just to get parental responsibility, but if he was that concerned about parental rights he may as well have married her. It's not that he thinks relationships are particularly sacrosanct is it? What he's done to her for 5 years would have been no worse had they married and as they've bought a house and had a child, what real difference would marriage have meant?

Lots of people don't want to live apart from their children, but it's about choices isn't it? He sabotaged his relationship and if he'd been chucked out or left of his own accord, that would mean that his other life was more important to him than living with his child every day. That would be a choice he was making.

His partner on the other hand, might have to give up long periods of time with her child through no choice of her own.

While i am a firm believer in 'honesty is the best policy' i am aware that in some cases, this is easier said than done.

When i was younger, i myself have been guilty of staying in a relationship i didnt really want to be in. I wasnt in love with my bf at the time, but i did care for him and didnt have the heart to hurt him... So i stayed with him & felt unhappy.. which was a lie in itself as i allowed him to believe all was well.. and when it became clear it wasnt, and that i'd felt this way for quite some time, he was hurt anyway.

So you see, in theory honesty is the best policy, but that doesnt mean its easy to do.. and some people are too gutless until they're left with no choice.

The only point that this particular gutless wonder will be left with 'no choices' is if the women in his life take them away from him, or stop pandering to his 'poor tortured soul' fantasy.

Of course, the only people whose choices are being denied are his partner and his child - everyone else knows the score.

charbon yes i do know his partner, although we are only aquaintances through him.

And i choose to believe him BECAUSE we have grown up together, and i see no reason as to why he would lie about it... After all, he came out and told me about the affair himself, so why would he need to make up a version of events when he could have just kept the whole thing to himself?

He needed someone to talk to, and while i am strongly against what he is doing, i will be there to support him as a friend whatever his decision.

that would mean his other life would be more important than living with his child every day

But it isnt just his child he is living with is it?? Its also the child's mother, who he is unhappy with. You cant stay in a miserable relationship for the sake of a child, a child doesnt fix a relationship that's broken.
In order to be at your best you need to be happy within yourself. And at the moment, he isnt.

Why would he lie?

Because if he actually told you the unvarnished truth - that he gets to keep that house he bought, see his child every day, probably no end of domestic tasks fulfilled by his partner, sex with her AND the sex, love and romance with an OW - and he hasn't wanted to give any of that up thank-you-very-much for five whole years, presumably any woman with a sense of sisterhood and human compassion would call him a selfish prick who needed to behave ethically and decently for the first time.

Whereas for some reason, you've accepted this very questionable version of events and think he's a decent sort who's trying to do the right thing.

I'm guessing this man doesn't have a very high opinion of women, especially those who let him off the hook so easily.