Is it really possible to love two people at the same time?

[joona]

A male friend of mine has confided in me that he has been having an affair for the last 5 years.
We have known eachother since we were kids as our parents are also close friends.

He got engaged at 23 after his girlfriend of 2 years discovered she was pregnant, but they have never married. They have been together for 9 years in total.

He hasnt been himself lately, he's been very down in the dumps & withdrawn. He told me last night that he has been having an affair for almost 5 years with a woman he used to work with.

Now i dont condone cheating, my theory is that if you are unhappy in a relationship, you should end it before starting a new one.

He claims the affair started after his relationship went stale, and that he and his partner are more friends than a couple these days. He says he stays for the child, and that he does still love his partner "in a funny way" ... But that he has also fallen in love with the other woman and canr imagine his life without her.

He says it has come to the point where he is struggling to continue living his double life, but is having difficulty choosing between them.

His partner discovered his affair about a year in, and he ended it... Only to resume it a few months later, which his partner knows nothing about.

I dont know what advice to give him.
There is a saying that goes "if you love 2 people, choose the. 2nd, because if you really loved the first then you wouldnt fall for the second"

But is that a myth or can you really love two people at once? All views are much appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

However, i am in no way condoning his behaviour in any way, shape or form. I have been cheated on myself and i know how damaging the effects can be. He should have been honest from day 1 and ended his relationship with his partner before starting one with OW. He has now got himself into deeper waters for allowing this deceit to go on for so long, and whatever he does now someone is going to get hurt. Himself included.

I really don;t think the "can you love two people" is relevant though I don;t see why not - you can love infinite numbers of brothers, sisters children etc.

The issue is that it is only acceptible to have a relationship with more than one partner when all parties have consented to it. Tell him to finish with both of them and when he has joined the normal world of decency again consider trying to repair the damage done if he still wants one or other of them after that.

He's sounds very juvenile to me - all this mooning around and moaning that he can't decide.

It just raised a question in my mind.. you get some people who 100% believe in love at first sight, and others who dont... Some believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and some dont.. some believe you can love more than one person in a romantic way, where as others believe there is only one person they are destined to be with, a soul mate etc...

Myself?? I am of the view that there IS a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. Maybe this is what my friend ment when he said he still loves his partner 'in a funny way' ??

But as for being IN love with 2 people at once, i cant say wether i believe that is possible. Its nothing i have experienced myself, but other people claim they have.

I do think your suggestion that he ends his relationships with both women is a good one though. Maybe time away from them both will help to sort his head out, and make it clearer which of the 2 means more to him.

They all have a part to play in creating this a menage a' trois (no idea if spelt that right). As not sleeping with DF anymore, she must have an idea whats's going on but ignores it, the OW has as much knowledge as anyone it seems, friend is upset so perhaps not entirely unfeeling. There is comfort in what you know and excitement in occasional thrills. The women are complicit in letting him get away with this. Cant it seem annoying how some people just roll over and accept what little they get?

I've decided that I think they all need some gumption. Maybe that's why they all get on with each other as the are all lacking it, so can relate to the same misery. I'll leave it there before I explode with the futile frustration of the endless cycle - 5 years!! Some people eh!

But as for being IN love with 2 people at once

I believe more in somebody wanting to be loved by 2 people at once, rather than vice versa. A case of not wanting to give up aspects of either of the two "satellites" wanting, loving the person at the centre.

I don't doubt strong feelings, but long term it seems inherantly conflicted to love somebody whilst hanging them over a ledge knowing there is a significant risk they could fall and get smashed up emotionally, but doing it anyway. Isn't the love reflex supposed to make you pull them away from the ledge rather than dangle them off it ?

It can be a bit crap when you are friends with somebody who's got themselves stuck in this postion. It can suck the joy out of life. You care for them, but hate what they are doing. Try to help by chipping away at the layers of carefully constructed justification, but feel like you are basically moving a mountain one teaspoon of gravel at a time. Hope you have a shoulder somewhere for you. Sounds selfish, but you have to take of you, if you want to avoid burn out and no longer be able to try and help him.

What you say makes alot of sense as i read it... Maybe he believes he loves her in his own twisted way, but fails to see the damage he is causing her aswell as his partner and child..

I have been put in a very difficult position, he is asking for my support on a subject he knows i strongly disapprove of.. but i do care for him, i've known him a long time & he's been a rock for me during difficult times in my life. In a way i feel flattered that he trusts me enough to bring his problems to me, as i've done to him many times in the past and i do want to help him in any way i can... But at the same time, it's hard for me to give him that support BECAUSE he's a friend & im so dissapointed in him...

I know his partner & she's always seemed to be a lovely woman.. but i have noticed myself he has not been happy for quite a while.. i just never knew why until now.

he is asking for my support on a subject he knows i strongly disapprove of

I think there might be a clue in that. Choosing somebody who cares for him, but is highly unlikely to give him a free pass or bolster his justifications could be be becuase he wants to be persuaded that this has gone on long enough.

Bad habits are still habits, hard to break. Perhaps he sees you as his best chance of finding the guts and energy to break this one?

I think it must be wearing and debilitating to have to live in a web of lies and tip toe around carefully all the time so ypu don't trip up and give yourself away. I don't think that can be an all that happy place to live. Possibly he is reaching a point where he can't cope with all the "what ifs" and it is making him miserable.

In order to conserve your energy and keep you sane it's worth havng ground rules agreed upon. It can't be the dominating topic everytime you two are together and can talk freely. You have to have breaks from it when YOU decide you don't want to talk or think about it today. They can't turn you into nothing more than a human crutch so they can keep hobbling alone the same old path of least resistance, some kind of movement/not rpund in circles thinking has to be offered in exchange for the support before the next load of sport is unlocked.

It can be really tricky, and hard on the supporter, especially when you didn't ask to told, but got unexpectedly lumbered with secrets you'd rather not have the burden of having to keep. Who do you get to unload on ? Is there somebody who doesn't know him that you can talk to to, naming no names of course as an added precaution?

next load of sport

support, not sport.

Bloody fingers not doing as they are told by brain again.

I have namechanged.

It?s not about whether you can love two people at the same time, it?s about whether you should.

For me personally, IMO you can love two people at the same time, but not be ?in love? with both.

I have been here.

Have been married to dh for seventeen years. Past few years have been very difficult, he has been very insecure, which has caused him to be controlling and as a result I became very isolated. He is not a bad person though but these are bad trates iyswim.

I think I fell out of love with him some time ago truth be told, but we don?t argue etc, I do love him as a person ? and as the father of my children.

Anyway, I became close to a male friend, a spark developed and yes, I fell in love with him. At this point I should have been honest with my dh about my feelings but I wasn?t ? instead I embarked on an affair. But the instant I was with OM any thoughts of intimacy with dh disappeared and I couldn?t go anywhere near him. We talked a lot about the past, about the future (or my perceptions of a lack thereof) and talked about splitting up. And then dh found out about the om and all hell broke loose (and rightly so). He then said it was over, he wanted a divorce etc, but he has since changed his mind. The affair with the OM has ended and I am in the same house with DH and trying to rebuild our relationship.

But the reality is that while I do love him, I am not in love with him. I am trying my best to get it back, but I don?t actually know how, because I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else, and although that relationship has now ended, my feelings haven?t changed.

I have a 17 year relationship which I need to rebuild, but I don?t actually know how to do it. We have talked through all the issues that led us here in the first place, and while I absolutely hold my hands up to what I have done, my affair was not the cause of all this ? it was a symptom of deep-running issues within the relationship.

While we know what the emotional issues are, for me there is a physical barrier in that I cannot be physically intimate with someone for whom I don?t have that kind of emotional connection. I know I should be throwing myself at my dh and having sex with him in order to rekindle that, but I can?t fake that ? I just can?t. And dh says this is what will ultimately make him leave, and I can?t blame him, but equally I can?t force myself to have sex.

Ultimately loving two people is entirely possible, it?s what we do about it that is important. And all of us has the power to make the decision to act, or not act on our feelings, regardless of the circumstances.

There is no justification for what I have done, none. But the result of my actions is that I have hurt my dh, have hurt myself by becoming so involved and then hurting when it ended, my family have disowned me, his family aren?t talking to me, I have no support so even if I walk away from this marriage (which would possibly be the right thing to do for dh, to let him go) I have no support from friends or family so I will be going it alone as a single parent. And I have no-one to blame for that but myself.

So op ? your friend holds the cards here. He is responsible for getting himself into this situation in the first place, he is now responsible for dealing with it. Only he knows what he wants ? but saying he loves both isn?t good enough ? it just isn?t, because that is not a long-term sustainable solution to his issues, plus it isn?t fair on the other individuals in this relationship.

And if his partner overreacts, then while it?s not necessarily fair, he needs to take some responsibility for that too.

When you gamble with people?s lives you stand to lose everything.

I am so glad that you have posted here, speaking from experience about a situation you have encounterd yourself.

I agree with your comment entirely, it was his decision to become so involved, which he shouldnt have done until he had made a concious decision to end the relationship he is not happy being a part of any longer.

I think that is my main moral issue with what he has done... Not that he has fallen out of love with his partner & claims to have fallen in love with OW, i accept that happens. It is the deciet. His partner does not deserve what he has done. I wish he had just been honest much earlier on... Of course, there would have been heartache if he had done that.. but i suspect not half as much as there will be if she finds out he has been living a lie for the last 5 years.

Having been in a similar position yourself, im sure you have some understanding as to why he is so torn over what to do. He has let it go on for far too long for any of the parties involved to come out of this unscathed.

Thank you for being so frank and honest about your own experience.

I wonder how ofen he sees the OW. He claims he can't bear to leave his son but all the time he is spending with the OW he could be with his son.

For his DP's sake he should leave because until he does she cannot move on and find a new life and/or partner.

OW probably waits for him to move in. But as he hasn't done it yet after all this time I wonder if their relationship is really strong enough for the long term.

And after all the above HE is the one who is apparently unhappy!! It's hard to believe that all the others involved, including his son, are not being distressed by the lack of stability in the setup.

He is being v selfish imo.

I agree his behaviour has been very selfish, but i do applaud that he has realised he cant go on like this, and has stepped forward & asked for help.

Wether his relationship with OW is strong enough for the long term, i dont know.. and i guess they dont know either until they take a risk & see for themselves.

its hard to believe that the others involved, including his son, are not being distressed

His partner & son are not aware of what is going on. He takes the veiw that what they dont know, cant hurt them.. and i think that until now, this is why he has avoided leaving & has continued to lead a double life. He wants his own happiness without having to hurt his partner & child.
However, i think it's delusional! I'd be very surprised if his partner really isnt aware that something is wrong. They sleep in seperate rooms for a start. He may believe he is not hurting them but the truth always comes out eventualy... And when it does, or if he does choose OW, i suspect that finding out about 5yrs of deceite will hurt his partner alot more than if he had given her the honesty she deserved at the start.

I wonder how often he see's OW

I dont know OW, but i do know that she is a collegue of his and that they work together reguarly. As for how often they see eachother socially outside of the work enviroment i dont know.

Hmmm, I wonder how happy his DP is. They don't share a bed for a start. But having unhappy parents isn't good for DC. Just because DCs aren't constantly pestering 'what's wrong mummy' doesn't mean they can't sense sadness or disappointment. DCs take their lead from their parents and if a tight lid is put on things then DCs will follow that behaiour.

So I agree that he is delusional, in that they will sense something isn't right and he is probably hurting his family already. They just won't know what it is they are doing wrong that is causing this.

well in fairness no-one knows what goes on in someone else's relationship. One can only speculate that the dp must not be happy/that the children must be picking up on the tention etc. If the two parties aren't constantly arguing, and if the parents have allways had separate bedrooms the child may not actually have any inkling that this isn't the norm iyswim.

Yes I doubt the dp is happy but equally this man could have left five years ago and she emotionally blackmailed him into staying. That is no less morally reprehensible than having the affair in the first place.

OP it sounds like your friend is romanticly *sp in love with th OW but loves his DP. I think it's easy to slip out of love and live with and love that person as a friend without realising it. It can become like a habbit. Maybe if he talked to his DP she might feel the same way. Its hard after such a long time and with a child but he can't carry on behind her back and claim he loves her. You don't do that even to a friend.

Thank you to those of you that are understanding of the position i am in, your views are very much appreciated.

So should i advise him to be honest with his DP about OW, and leave for the sake of his DP & child aswell as himself?

Do i advise him to just tell her he is unhappy & wants to call time on their relationship, & not to mention OW to save DP from further heartache?

Or do i advise him to end both relationships and take some time alone to get his own head straight & figure out what he wants?

You can't tell him what he needs to do - he needs to come to that decision for himself. Because if you tell him and it turns out not to be the thing he wanted in the long-term it was you who told him. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and make his own decisions and come to his own conclusions.

He knows what he's doing is wrong. But what he actually needs to do now is to make the right choice for him. Making the choice for his dp or for ow is wrong because if it's not right for him it won't be a long term fix. So what does he want. What does he really want. If he had to choose his life tomorrow what would it be? And he needs too go with that.

Thank you, the way you word things makes alot of sense to me.

I kind of wish he had'nt burdened me with this, the temptation to tell his DP myself has been huge, just because i am so disgusted that he has been able to do this to her for so long & imo she has a right to know... But i thought better of it, i know it is not my place to interfere, and i dont really think that would be the best way for her to find out about something that is going to turn her world upside down.

I think option 2 is problematic if he leaves for the OW, since she is known to his DF.

She'll work it out.

The only way out of this without destroying his relationship with his son's mother is to end both relationships and keep the fact that the last 5 years of her life have been a lie to himself.

But wouldnt keeping it hidden be considered selfish on his part?
By denying DP the full truth, he will be continuing the lie.. and will come out of this whole thing looking like an innocent man who has just fallen out of love (which in some respects is part true)

Does DP not deserve to know the full story, or do you think it's best that he should 'get away with it' in a sense, to avoid hurting her more than need's be?

I don't think she needs to know the full horror of what he's done to her, as long as he gives up the OW too.

What purpose would telling her serve other than to hurt her?

If he plans to stay with OW then he'll have to tell her. But he can expect a whole world of pain for all of them if he does that.

The best thing he can do for his child is work out an amicable split from his mother. That can't happen if he's leaving for his lover of 5 years.

So if he's the doting father he claims to be, he'll lose the OW and exit his relationship as gracefully and respectfully as possible.

Yeah, i agree that would be a sensible choice.

All I can say is how selfish the people represented on this thread are.

OP, your friend needs to make his bloody mind up about what he wants for himself, his family and the OW.

LoveAmNotInLove, you too need to make your mind up. Either throw yourself into your relationship with your DH, fake it if you have to. Either that or be kind enough to tell him to divorce you and make a new life without you in it. Are you afraid of him finding happiness elsewhere?