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Original poster

Why did you get married?

135 replies

FatFaced · 11/09/2012 21:05

Why do people get married? There's someone on MN at the mo being told to give her DP an ultimatum because he's not keen on getting married, there's one woman having an affair after 22 years of marriage and someone else who might leave the bastard because of his drinking.

So why do so many people want to get married? I was always a bit anti marriage - didn't think it was necessary. My DP felt similarly. However I now quite fancy it but I don't know why... Is it the contract? The promise? The wedding?

Just curious really and interested in people's thoughts :)

OP posts:
thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 09:33

"If a couple is availing of all the rights of being married, then why aren't they actually married."

If you've seen your parents get divorced and can't bear to imagine yourself ever in the same distress (this is the case for a lot of my LTR friends);

If you can't afford it. I know plenty of people get married on a few hundred quid, but everyone has different standards and expectations. Or kids, who quite rightly have a prior call on any spare cash.

Because the law forbids it. If you were in America, for example, and gay in those states that don't allow it.

To give just three reasons why people don't, or can't, get married.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 09:34

Agreed Mumsy. It would be much much worse if, say, a high earning lawyer decided to move in with her partner, lived with him for a year and discovered he was an abusive twat, left, but then was forced to pay him maintenance for years after because they had lived together, even though she never signed up to that legally. You have to choose to tie your life to a person in that way, by getting married and that's a good thing in my book.

MousyMouse · 12/09/2012 09:34

registry office wedding costs about 100£
versus having loads and loads of contracts drawn up by a solicitor for ££££

MousyMouse · 12/09/2012 09:35

there are civil ceremonies for all. it's called registry office. if you want a party later you can have it. or you can just go in with 2 witnesses and be done in half an hour...

MrsHelsBels74 · 12/09/2012 09:37

This probably sounds awful, but I married my current husband (been divorced before) because he refused to contemplate having children out of wedlock. I was happy to commit to him by having children but he wasn't happy with that & insisted on marriage first.

Offred · 12/09/2012 09:38

I do think we need to get away from the idea of love having anything to do with marriage. Marriage is about the law to me. I agree that the law does not discriminate against none married couples since none married couples are free to enter into the marriage contract which provides a financial tie if they choose to. I don't see how you could do it any other way. You can't contractually bind someone without their agreement.

GoldandOrangeAnnunziata · 12/09/2012 09:39

Because I love him and so wanted to be married. We're Catholic so the religious element was important too. More practically, because we came from very strict families who wouldn't allow us to do more than go to the pictures or out for dinner until we were married. Plus we'd been going out for 5 years by the time we got married so we were tired of sneaking around!

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 09:39

Yes, Mousy, but in practice those aren't the calculations people make.

I do think the 'fear' of marriage that results from parental divorce, or a previous failed marriage, is understandable and I don't see why those relationships - which are founded, after all, on a much clearer idea of the fragility of humans than romance - should enjoy easier legal protection, or the perception that they are somehow less likely to last.

Groovee · 12/09/2012 09:40

It felt right that me and dh were together and we both wanted to be married. 15 years on from engagement we're still very happy together and have a strong relationship.

anairofhope · 12/09/2012 09:42

We got marrage before ttc as dh wanted us all to have the same surname and for him to legal have rights over our children and to be a partnership in law.

wigglesrock · 12/09/2012 09:42

I love him very much and wanted to get married - I can't really explain it. We both wanted to get married - we lived together first and then that wasn't enough?, so we got married. We're Catholics but certainly felt no pressure to get married, infact my Mum wanted me to wait a bit longer (I was 24). Today is our wedding anniversary - 14 years.

MousyMouse · 12/09/2012 09:47

the 'same surname' bit is a bit of a red herring.
unless you are a different nationality (that doesn't allow it) you can just change your name without being married.
and even if married you can just keep your maiden name.

anairofhope · 12/09/2012 09:53

I think he ment that we would all be a family and for me to change to his surname to carry on his family name. We had a son first and the only grandchildren so its important to his family to carry on his surname.

sayanythingrogerjustrogerme · 12/09/2012 10:05

Because he wouldn't agree to having babies "out of wedlock" Hmm.

anairofhope · 12/09/2012 10:13

My dh would have had children without marrage but he perfered to get married first. I liked that he is old fasioned Grin

SparklyGothKat · 12/09/2012 10:14

My Exh and me married at 18 after being together 20 months. Didn't want our ds1 to be born to unwed parents. It lasted 13 years and we did have some good times but we grew apart.
Been with dp two years. Not married. We are planning our wedding for 2014. We are doing it for love. I'm older now and know that being married doesn't mean it will last.

QuietTiger · 12/09/2012 10:20

Because my DH is the kind of man that is worth committing to for the rest of my life and I love him.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 12:27

Oldgirl - I agree that the perception that an unmarried relationship isn't likely to last isn't fair. However, I'm not sure what you mean that they "enjoy easier legal protection"?

Fizzybee · 12/09/2012 12:58

Why am I not married to give the opposite view point

Well I am financially independent and wouldn't want to compromise mine and the kids financial security by getting married
Hate weddings and hate being the centre of attention
Our familys would make any wedding a nightmare
I like being independent and no matter how much I love dp I song want to sign up to a lifetime commitment contract when I know too many marriages that have gone wrong

On the other hand I do doubt myself and do is desperate to get married but I can't get past my ishoos .,,,

mrsSOAK · 12/09/2012 13:04

I'm pretty much the same as Marshmellowpies, had been with someone that didn't want to commit to a long term stable relationship and I wanted to start my family. Obviously one doesnt exclude the other but his attitude was very selfcentered and after a long time of considering things v carefully I decided he wouldn't be a good fatherfigure. Just as well cos he DID NOT want children. Met DH, he was v family orientated and keen to be married. Scared me a bit but after he returned to SA i was lost without him. Thats when we decided to get married as I wanted to be with him and he with me and the 'easiest' way to be together was with a marriage visa - there are other options but we felt that suited us best.
Things are not easy at present and we are going through a v rough patch but we work hard at these things..............fingers crossed!

Mechavivzilla · 12/09/2012 16:19

Because it was the right step at the right time for DH and I to take. Which IMHO is the only good reason to get married. If it suits you both and is something you both want, for whatever reasons. But this thread has been really interesting and raised loads of valid points worth thinking about. And yup, was still the right thing for us to do!

KatieScarlett2833 · 12/09/2012 16:21

Being together wasn't enough. We wanted to go the whole hog and get on with the rest of our lives as Mr & Mrs Scarlett.

So we did. 18 years on, still working Wink

Ephiny · 12/09/2012 16:29

Because we wanted to try for a baby and I felt I'd like to be married first. And because of the financial/legal side such as inheritance.

I wasn't bothered about the wedding (though we did have a nice day), if it wasn't for our parents we would have just just gone along to the registry office and done the paperwork with the minimum fuss.

It hasn't made any difference to day-to-day life really. I often forget to put my wedding ring on (like today!) and neither of us changed our name. And I sometimes say 'partner' instead of 'husband' out of habit.

gettingeasier · 12/09/2012 16:40

I didnt want to get married much but went along with it happily enough for his sake and my baby DS

Thank goodness as he left and had no choice but to do the decent thing financially as we were married

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/09/2012 16:59

Looking at it clinically post-divorce: because I wanted to feel loved and secure and marriage represented that for me.

It turns out marriage is not a guarantor of love and security.

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