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Relationships

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Original poster

Why did you get married?

135 replies

FatFaced · 11/09/2012 21:05

Why do people get married? There's someone on MN at the mo being told to give her DP an ultimatum because he's not keen on getting married, there's one woman having an affair after 22 years of marriage and someone else who might leave the bastard because of his drinking.

So why do so many people want to get married? I was always a bit anti marriage - didn't think it was necessary. My DP felt similarly. However I now quite fancy it but I don't know why... Is it the contract? The promise? The wedding?

Just curious really and interested in people's thoughts :)

OP posts:

DistressedMumHELP · 11/09/2012 23:55

I got married for LOVE He was my everything, i worshipped him and felt the feeling was mutual.

I was 17, he was 9 years older, i was young and stupid. He turned out to be an abuser. I stayed for much to long.

I am now, 6 almost 7 years later getting a divorce and looking forward to it coming through, cos it means i can put my STBXH behind me and start to work at healing.

justbogoffnow · 12/09/2012 00:01

Because he asked me.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 12/09/2012 00:13

I'd take him back tomorrow if I could. I've been in love with him since I was 20 years old, my whole adult life.

Sadly he's been cheating on me off and on since we got married 5 years ago. (possibly the whole 12 years, I don't think I'll ever know the full truth) He's got some major issues going back a long way and I know he loves me and is sorry but he'll never change.

Can't see a time when I'll ever stop loving him though.

WaitingForMe · 12/09/2012 07:59

First time - because I thought it would make him happy. I realised after the big wedding and honeymoon that I could never top what I'd done and as he was still not happy I'd never win. Marriage only lasted a few months as in my low state I made a good friend who opened my eyes to the abuse.

I swore never to marry again...

Second time - DSS1 was doing a project about family and got confused about me (we lived together). I explained that I was the family that he got to choose and it was up to him whether he considered me family or not. It got me thinking and I realised I wanted us to be an official family and I proposed to DH a month or so later. A few weeks later DH and the kids waved me off on my train to family on Christmas eve and DSS1 asked when we'd be a family again (ie. When was I getting back). DH texted me and I sat crying on the train. The wedding was as much about the kids as DH and I and I made a vow to them and gave them personalised dog tags with their name and the date.

Second wedding wasn't flash at all. We had a tent in the garden and served jacket potatoes. It was amazing.

weegiemum · 12/09/2012 08:11

At the time I got married because I wanted us to be together forever, I wanted us to be family, I wanted to show him and the world how much in loved him. Also because we were good Christian kids (yes we were still kids at 24) and wanted to live together.

We'll have been married 18 years at Christmas.

Why am I still married? Because we have grown together, we are part of each other. We've been together through good and bad times, times with plenty money, times with none, through serious illness on both sides and now permanent disability for me. Because he's my best friend, we still like each others company more than anyone else. Because we have 3 wonderful kids. Because we both come from broken families and have worked hard to make sure that it never happens to us.

Because I just love him, more than anything or anyone. We're looking forward to growing old together.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:16

Cos I wanted to. No better reason that that really. I knew we'd be together forever, having been through some really rough times that I would have thought would break a couple up. The fact we survived that showed me how secure we were. Regardless of marriage, we weren't breaking up, so marriage wasn't necessary to cement us together as such, that had already happened.

We just fit, I suppose, we really really like each other as well as being madly in love, and I knew I just wanted to be around him for the rest of my life because my life is so much duller and less fun without him. It seemed sensible and natural to become a family, for legal reasons, but for me it was also an emotional thing. I am far closer to him than I am to most of my family, I like him a lot more, he is far more supportive and protective, and so it wouldn't be right for the useless shits I had the misfortune to be born related to to have more status in my life than him. As my husband he's not just a man who I happen to live with, he is my family, my next of kin. And seeing as he is the person who looks out for me and has my best interests at heart that is only right.

Shagmundfreud · 12/09/2012 08:17

I wanted legal protection before I compromised my ability to support myself by having his children and going part-time at work.

I wanted public acknowledgement that we were a couple.

Because he is the best man I know!

:-)

exoticfruits · 12/09/2012 08:25

I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him.
Also it really isn't 'just a piece of paper', which is something that you don't realise until unexpected events hit you. I would have been in a real mess when DH1 died if I hadn't been married to him. There are still implications for the future-e.g. I get his inheritance tax in addition to my own. My solicitor says that she has been instrumental in 7 couples getting married recently when she points out a few things to them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/09/2012 08:26

For me, because DH is religious (of the no-sex-before-marriage) variety, and I wasn't about to put up with that for longer than I had to! I expect we would have done anyway, because I like the security of it - knowing that if, god forbid, he turned out to be a total twit, there's a legal framework. It may well turn out to be useful for visa reasons as well, because if he can't get permanent leave to remain for job reasons, he might get a spousal visa (I'm not sure what changes might take place before he's eligible to apply).

That all sounds very un-romantic but it suits me really well, being married. I love feeling that we're part of our own little family now - my family accepts that more than if we were just living together.

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 08:28

Our parents wanted to see us walk down the aisle.

I am very, very happily married; but we were also very, very happily together when we were not married.

I'm always astonised by those who think marriage makes you feel more 'secure' or 'committed', or has primacy over any other kind of relationship. I know several people in LTR which have long outlasted the marriages of many others I know.

Read the Relationships forum on MN and see how insecure being married can make you feel. Nothing is going to make you feel secure except love and loyalty, and neither of those come free with a piece of paper from the vicar.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/09/2012 08:35

this - why astonished? I doubt people 'think' they feel more secure .... I should imagine they actually know what they're feeling! I may be biased given that before we got married, there was a very real chance DH could be deported, would have to do his military service in his home country, and I wouldn't see him for two years. Funnily enough, there's a certain amount of security to be gained from knowing the marriage is a safety net against that!

I would agree that getting married doesn't magically make your relationship strong if it was weak before, or turn a nasty abusive prick into a lovely person, though. But people who're saying they thought their marriage would do those things, on this thread - they've learned from a bad experience, haven't they?

exoticfruits · 12/09/2012 08:40

Marriage does make you more secure-ask a solicitor.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:43

Legally if you're married then that relationship does have primacy over other relationships. If you're not married and you're in a car accident your next of kin are your parents/siblings. If you are married then it's your spouse. When you get married your spouse becomes your point of contact. Your life is linked to your spouse in a legal sense.

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 08:43

Feelings are frequently misleading, though, right? We all learn from experience when our initial hopes founder.

It's the importance placed on marriage ahead of LTRs that I find strange, though. Historically women have needed legal protection and financial protection, but now they aren't necessary in most jurisdictions and yet we still insist on marriage being somehow a more protective or reassuring state, when it isn't.

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 08:46

Cailin - you can state anyone you like as next of kin, or the beneficiary of your will, it's just that most people don't take the opportunity to do so.

In which case marriage does offer protection. Expensive though, the average marriage is something like £20k and you can get your affairs in order for £600 at the solicitor .

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:48

From a purely legal point of view marriage is more protective, for both spouses. That's just a fact.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:49

A wedding can cost a lot less than £600. Why go around sorting out wills etc when marriage does the whole lot for you in one fell swoop?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/09/2012 08:50

Oh, sure, feelings can be misleading. But I think it's a bit off to assume people 'think' they feel something - you don't know better than them what they feel.

The average marriage is 20 k - this is bollocks, honestly. It's put about by the wedding industry. Marriage is far cheaper than £600 of solicitors' fees.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:51

WRT the next of kin thing I'm talking about if you're incapacitated, unconscious or on life support. Obviously if you're fine you can state you want your partner in the room, but when it comes to making decisions for a person who can't make them for themself then it's the family who has legal rights, and a partner isn't family. Most people don't have the opportunity to state next of kin until the worst happens.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2012 08:53

If you are not married make sure that you get on really well with your DPs parents-you will need them on your side if the worst happens.

CailinDana · 12/09/2012 08:53

I find it a bit odd when people say "why get married, just go to the solicitor and state next of kin, do a will, set up a trust for the children, transfer rights to bank accounts in the event of death, etc etc, which is exactly what marriage does! It just seems weird if someone wants all the protection of marriage without being married - why is that? Why not just get married?

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 08:54

It's a historical fact, yes, and as legislation hasn't yet caught up with modern life people too lazy to make wills are protected.

But in this day and age there is plenty of legal and financial protection available to those who choose not to get married, and I don't understand why their relationships should be belittled in importance or seriousness, or somehow considered less secure than mine.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/09/2012 08:55

I can understand not wanting to get married and wanting to organize things the other way. It's a luxury, TBH, as you have to be reasonably clued-up to know how to do that.

What I feel much more dubious about is people who think there's such a thing as 'common law marriage' or believe that if their partnership goes pearshaped, there will be some easy legal way to sort things out fairly. This is not a good position to get into.

thisoldgirl · 12/09/2012 08:56

I need to learn to type faster , can't keep up with all these comments.

brandysoakedbitch · 12/09/2012 08:57

I got married because my Mummy was terminally ill - I was terrified and vulnerable, my Ex saw his opportunity to get what he wanted and I just got swept along with trying to cheer everyone up. Seems a bit sad now but it seemed like the right to do at the time. My marriage failed spectacularly.

I pretend to be married now, I call him my husband and changed my name to his and we have 5 children so everyone thinks we are married. We might do it one day but the idea of having the day, the actual marriage bit and being centre of attention etc very scary, which is odd because I am a bit of a show-off!!!!

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