happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Weird how people behave. FWIW he told me (and several other people) that about his wife well before anything started up between us (we were there together for nearly 2 weeks and it was literally only the last couple of nights that anything happened) I honestly don't think he was doing it just so that later on he could come on to me. Anyway. I have so little experience of this. And I am not dwelling on it anyway what good would it do. It makes no difference, I am choosing not to think about him. It is shitty, either way, for his wife.

no, not good for you

you are still giving yourself an out

if you really meant it you would be saying "no more" much more convincingly than that

I don't believe you

What do you mean AF?

I am choosing not to think about him but my mind is not as obedient as my fingers or my phone. I don't know how to control my mind.

That sounds like an out to me

scorpiomyrtlock

You did it.

You turned away from "the path of least resistance"-itus.

Our fuck ups define us less than how we deal with the aftermath of fucking up, it's an open book now, who you are is yours to write. And choosing to cut off contact, that's part of the identity you are looking for. Somebody willing to do "strong" and resist even when a good sized part of them really badly wants the easy, exciting, vitality of the alternative.

If your fingers itch to text , post here, go for a walk, eat cake, turn up the radio and dance like a manic to music that makes you feel invincible like you can climb mountains in bare feet, go kiss a convienetly placed kid or husband....anything that will distract you and keep you busy long enough to let any urges pass you saftely by. And if you do give in to an urge and text him, don't think "that's it, might as well give up giving up properly". Just scrabble back on the wagon as soon as you recognise the fall.

The best of luck to you and your family.

Tbh if there is betrayal of trust in a marriage then what is left? I think you have already moved on from your marriage.

Time to be honest with yourself and your husband.

Well done Scorpio. Head up. Move on

Will you go into therapy? I think you're going to have to, don't you? You need somewhere to bash this out, somewhere safe..

well done for doing the right thing. I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I hope it isn't too long before you turn a corner and get some release.

"And choosing to cut off contact, that's part of the identity you are looking for. Somebody willing to do "strong" and resist even when a good sized part of them really badly wants the easy, exciting, vitality of the alternative. "

That's it - I am going to hold on to that and say it to myself every day. Thats what I needed to hear.

Off to do the breakfast. Keeping all these words in my head, reciting them to myself. Will be re-reading and posting to keep myself on the right track. Spent quite a long time reading some of the "OW" threads on here last night and thinking myself into the other side of the story. That has really helped me too.

Thank you again

God I feel for you , guess it is the temptation and your approaching the big 50 , but trust me honey it really is better the devil you know at times like this hard i know to get your head round it, you sound like a normal attractive woman who has been a great wife all these years, stop beating yourself up about this and see it for what it is or was great sex and a bit of fun, but nothing lasting, fine it
that is what you want but the fact you are on here asking for help me thinks it is not , and defintly not the norm for you, be kind to yourself and it will work out you have got alot at stake , but your sensible head will kick , sometimes it is good when one partner has an affair it can bring the husband and wife closer to gether , as you will see sense and realise what you do not want to loose.Good luck

I don't believe you either OP. I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You are either committed to your marriage or you aren't.

One of the things I have learned is you can tell yourself all sorts of things. But it's just thoughts. They don't hold any substance unless you genuinely act on them.

You slept with him, but that doesn't mean you have to remain the 'bad guy'. You can do the right thing now and not throw away what's been your whole life. But whilst you convince yourself your thoughts are in control and not you, that just won't happen. This is why so many people have CBT.

That's it - I am going to hold on to that and say it to myself every day. Thats what I needed to hear.

Before you hold it, can I correct it!

I put the speech marks in the wrong place.

"do" strong

Do not be. If I have to BE strong I have a little voice in my head saying "but you're not, so you will fail". Which means I give up at the first fence to bring on the inevitable and save time before I can enter the self flagellate zone. I can DO strong becuase that means I can use stratagies, like one minute at a time, or fake it until you make it.

I think choosing to read and absorb the shock, intense pain and grief of the betrayed spouses is both brave and a really good idea. It may help to personalise it and "rehumanise" your husband/kids if you allow yourself to read pne or two of them with your husbands voice reading it in your head, change gender pronouns/possesives as you go.

I agree with the suggestion to get professional help to guide you through what is a rocky phase. Until you can, bearing in mind that it is no substitute for one on one with a human being, there is this CBT resource.

www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Don't fixate on the fact it is focused on depression. What it works for accross the board is "warpy thoughts". Warped thinking in other words. I'm not depressed, but I do need to be reminded about my tendancies to think strange, when my mind wanders off and starts bending reality in strange and frankly daft ways.

When things get hard, you struggle with the will to resist, get on that link, go read the other side of the coin and personalise it for your loved ones, come here, anything...and just push through, one minute at a time if needs be.

CBT will tell you that thoughts are extremely powerful, the rudder that propels you forward.

ah OP, people were very vociferous when you were on the wrong track (imo) but very sparse now you're making every effort to get on the right track (imo). well done for your great efforts to do the right thing. Keep going and it will translate to your feelings. I was going to suggest you read some of the OW threads - it does help to throw a bucket of cold water on any ardour.

I was thinking that, even though OM's account of his marriage may or may not be accurate, he knows you're married. So he's not such a good guy. However, I do accept how powerful these feelings can be and I, for one, pat you on the back for making every effort to get back on track. I would suggest counselling though because I do think something deeper is going on and it's better/safer to unpack deep-rooted feelings in a safe place where you won't be judged.

You sound very conflicted and upset. I agree that you should seek out personal counselling and I do believe you can find a way to do this in secret if need be. Or at least start reading some self-help material.

You have a 20-year track record in your marriage, no history of cheating or lying. So your infidelity is out of character which suggests you could do with a bit of help to sort out your conflict. I hope you get it.

Good luck OP. I think there's been some great advice about 'doing strong' evolving into 'being strong'.

I think what also might be helpful now is to remind yourself that if you do agree to see him again, you're doing it with your eyes wide open, fully cognisant of the potential consequences. You will never be able to tell yourself again that it 'just happened'. It's much harder to live with our hurtful actions towards others, if we accept that they were active choices on our part.

I've read practically every self-help book on the planet, and some, but there's nothing like the dynamic with a real live human being, especially one who is trained. I wouldn't be surprised if only 6 sessions initiated a significant shift for you OP. You seem ripe for change somehow - this crisis is probably the warning signal that things aren't right for you on some level.

Feeling very very low right now. I have read and re-read all of this as well as some lovely pms people have sent me. I know I am not the only one to have been in this position, somehow that DOES help (not excuse) Finding it so hard to concentrate. Sounds so stupid and self-dramatizing.

I have been thinking about OM constantly. I know absolutely and completely that he is not a nice man, cheats on his wife probably all the time, probably does not give one iota about me really. Am under no illusions that there was any "future".....in it. My head must be really messed up to be spending all this time thinking about him, hearing the words he said, how he said them.. (foreign accent.....say no more.....and how it all got to me) How weak - I am an example of human frailty writ large. It is not as though he even said he loved me or promised me anything at all, he never built up my expectations for anything!! he never actually lied to me about what was going on so FGS I should just be able to forget about it and move on. Knowing that others have gone through this and I just have to do one day at a time is helping me, really really helping me. Just now trying to figure out practicalities of a counsellor. I think that is a really good idea. Each time I read I want to thank everyone for spending time on here. It all helps so much.

foreign accent

I'm married to an Italian. Trust me the accent thing wears off especially after you hear the plaintive whine of "why you no put da olive in da pasta?"

Again.

Virtually every night.

For 17 years.

Even when it doesn't go with the fucking artichoke sugo I slaved over for at least 7 minutes.

There is no true "exotic" anywhere in the world. Blokes are just ...blokes. Same shit wherever you go, it's just (human) geography.

You need to demystify and de-exotic him. Picture him. Now put just socks on him. White ones. A bit grubby in the sole area. Add undies with a subtle wee stain.

Cos that is what he looks like at home. Unless he lives with his mum of course. Which is a distinct possibility if the "arrangment" with his wife is more along the lines of she booted him out years ago and he had to go home to mum cos he is incapable of doing anything for himself, the lazy bastard.

What thing turns you off? Is it seeing them pick at their toenails? Trying to reach around and pop a back zit ? Have a good nose rummage ? Sniff underwear to see if they can push another day out of them ?

Everytime he comes into your thoughts visualise him in one of the scenrios that is a real passion killer for you. And hold the image until at least ten seconds after the "oh I want him!" feeling shrivels.

I know it sounds silly, but it is a tried and tested crush killer. We weaned half the staffroom (including self) off a particularly lovely specimen of trainee teacher with that one. Which was just as well cos the mug supply was dwindling due to the number being dropped, knocked over by fluttering hands, or just plain walked into walls thanks to gawping.

You are not weak. It's just this is SUPPOSED to be a struggle. You know how a caterpillar goes into a crysa...crysi..pod like thing, and after it has to fight its way out once it's a butterfly. I read that the butterfly has to fight like mad or it won't develop the strength to live and fly.

It's a bit like that. You have to push, shove and hurt with frustration and aches so you can get to the other side having learned what you need to know.

If the hard stuff was easy, none of us would ever learn anything.

standing oVAtion for Suocera

It could be that OM is a charmer (no excuse though!). I married a charmer so I've kinda been cured of charmers - there's another side to a charmer. I've also hosted foreign students for years and some of them have a thing for older women or think I'm desperate and think they're going to get some extra services for free. I can attest to the devastating charm of a foreign accent - I've posted a few times on here about my (hidden from them) struggles resisting these gorgeous men. All ages, mind. The last one - close in age to me - bought me '50 shades of darker' when he left. I assumed he didn't know what it was about - but it turns out he did. 'sex no go out of fashion, springy' he said, the little git.

Just remember: the sex was crap. That says a lot.

re finding a counsellor - have a look at BACP - British Association of Counsellor and Psychotherapists (I think) and click on the 'Seeking a Therapist' tab on the right. Type in your postcode to get a list of therapists in your area. Draw up a list, look at their websites (if they have one), draw up a list, give them a call. Choosing a therapist is like choosing a friend or partner, you've got to get on. they may have all the right credentials but eg you don't like the sound of their voice, or whatever. Go with the ones you like the sound of, whittle down your list, arrange to meet them - most offer a half hour introductory session to see if you click - and then make your choice. YOu don't have to tell your 'story' in the introductory session - it's a bit sensitive, though you can be absolutely assured of total confidentiality. They're also not easily shocked - they've seen it all and, don't forget, studied for many years what people get up to (plus had therapy themselves to address their own 'stuff').

I'm assuming you're ok financially to pay the fees - depending where you live, averaging £40-£50 per session. If you are strapped for cash you can ask if they do concessions - they are not offended to be asked and are capable of saying no with no embarrassment, though most offer concessionary rates. imo there are times when therapy/counselling is a necessary investment. YOu hear of people bleating they can't afford therapy but are off on holidays, building an extension etc. Cancel the extension, invest in a therapist instead.

op,I think the source of all this may lie in your post of Wed 22.00pm concerning you and DH.
"I have been with him on and off since mid teens"
and "surely i deserve just 1 little bit for myself"

I have seen this several times that some women when the kids are nearly grown,those that have been together with their partners since very young,suddenly decide to go out and soicalise and essentially try to make up for their essentially young growing up years.
I dont wish to be harsh,and I may be wrong,but you may be in danger of doing this sort of thing again.
"

Oh PLEASE don't do this :( Your poor DH.

You've had your fun. As others have said, pour your energy back into your real life now. is it REALLY worth the risk?

"We weaned half the staffroom (including self) off a particularly lovely specimen of trainee teacher with that one. Which was just as well cos the mug supply was dwindling due to the number being dropped, knocked over by fluttering hands, or just plain walked into walls thanks to gawping."

PMSL - he must have been drop-dead gorgeous, Suocera!

Scorpio - you are feeling low. It would do you the power of good to work out the exact sources of that feeling - I'm hoping that some guilt would be in there, foolishness, sucked-in-ness, those kinds of things. And yes, find a way to see a counsellor, even if it's in your lunch hour at work - you will benefit from it.

Jesus christ, what the hell is going on in this thread???
dont be too hard on yourself
etc.....

aaawww poor, vunerable woman having a mid life crisis, and using it as an excuse to fuck about behind her husbands back.

under valued, flattered blah blah blah...

if it was a man spouting off any of this bullshit, they'd be torn to shreds! there would be no sympathy, no excuses...

i actually started a thread myself yesterday, after a male friend of mine confessed to me that he'd been having an affair with a work collegue, and wanted advice on which woman to choose.... some of the people posting 'understanding' comments on here, posted less than sympathetic comments on mine.. hypocrites!

but this is a woman, so its different eh? lets get the violins out.. One rule for men, another for us?

a cheat is a cheat, end of... it is NEVER acceptable under any circumstances!

thank god for the women on here that ARE criticising her behaviour!!

the difference joon is that this is the OP's thread and she is asking for support and advice.

Most threads here about cheating are started by the cheated wife and quite rightly they are provided with much support and advice.

But support and advice is not exclusively available to wronged parties; we are grown ups are we not? and we can spare a little kindness for a woman asking for help when she is in turmoil. Crucifying her will serve no constructive purpose.