happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Well we don't know her DH, we don't know her childhood (divorcing parents), we don't know whether OM was a multiple adulterer, and, naturally, everyone uses their own experiences of life to build an opinion on her behaviour.

Imo she has realised that what has happened is wrong and foolish. Whether she alters her behaviour because of that or is on a self destruct course and destroys her family is up to her. I accept that what a stranger spouts on a messageboard is probably not going to change her decision but hope that it might.

If a male adulterer came on here with a similar problem I think I would say much the same.

I think it highly unlikely that a man would receive as much sympathy about this.

OPs behaviour is destructive and damaging to other people and possibly even to herself. Agree she needs to find out what is driving this behaviour but personally I feel a lot more sympathy for those whose trust has been betrayed.

Suocerablues - that is one of my favourite posts ever on Mumsnet. So you are a teacher...why the hell aren't you a writer?!

Anyway... for gawd's sake can everyone stop with the 'if this was a man'!

It's not a man.

I, for one, don't care if I'm reacting differently because it's a woman.

But I'm not sure if I am actually - if a man

So you are a teacher...why the hell aren't you a writer?!

Given my eclectic spelling, tendency to abuse commas with rampant spliceing and rather "creative" grammar it's already a miricle that TEFL teachers accross the world haven't banded together to have me drummed out of the profession.

Thank God that on the whole our professional standards are depressingly low

Not sure writers would be quite so forgiving. Especially not while still reeling from the 50 shades debarcle. oh my (puke)

Besides, I can write 2000 words on a post, but if you sit me in front of a peice of paper and say write something proper....I get a most out of character fixation with the states of my floors and the armies of spiders massing in the corners of rooms.

Writers write, non writers write posts. Besides I'm not actually wirting. I'm speaking...through my fingers. And I can't do that that without somebody to speak at/to.

Re "would be different if it was a man"

I feel a little like I can't win here. I was mean evil meanie of all meanies when I was trying to jack hammar weak spots to create a chink in the concrete shell of justification, now I am just as bad cos post chink creation I have shoved an arm down there so she has something to grab to help pull herself out.

Never mind. FTR, I have more practice with men in her postion than women, and what I writing here is what exactly what I say in real life, regardless of gender.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The beauty of this place as opposed to talking to one non prof. in RL is that there is a huge range of tones, approaches, suggestions, opinions. People are so individual that it is hard to predict what will just slide off their shell of justification and what will pierce, so as many different voices saying differnt stuff in different ways as possible ups the chances of SOMETHING making that first chink appear IMO.

If the voices fail to present that range when a man posts then that is a shame, becuase a one note song probably won't have the same potential for sucessful impact. But to be fair I don't think it is all that realistic to expect a gender specific forum to offer the same range of nauance for the oppostie sex at this point i time. It isn't a level playing field yet, we have centuries of gender bias and "women squashing" stuck on our backs which still has ramifications in the now. Regardless of who causes the marital collapse it still tends to be the women and children shoved nearer to poverty and loss of social status with fewer opportunities to claw their way back up. There is a reason why those two groups (women and children) make up the bulk of people, worldwide and domestic, in poverty. It's not just a wierd coincidence.

Plus I think it is only a fairly recent thing that women have been prepared to stand by women who fuck up and/or flout social expectations such as "men cheat, women don't cos they are barely sexual once a wife and mother". Condsidering how social expectations not all that long ago required us to tar and feather other women and shun them from polite female society forevermore, I think any turn around to a more comprehending, naunced stance isgenerally speaking a good thing.

standing oVAtion for Suocera

Suocera, you are a GENUIS, please can you be my counsellor?

Warning: this post might be TMI for some if so stop reading immediately but seeing it in black and white and sordid detail is working really well for me.

OK, here we go. He is Swiss - but the German type. Germans aren't sexy, period. He smokes and I don't like smokers or smoking. His willy was much smaller than my DH. He couldn't really get it up that much. In fact now I think about it it was hardly up at all. I did not really like the way he did the foreplay it was really rough and did not excite me. He had not cut his fingernails and they were sharp (down there..) He wanted to do oral sex endlessly, both ways round, and I don't particularly like it. He kept getting out of bed to disappear into the bathroom (doing what????) He kept getting out of bed to have another drink and he had already had lots. The first night, he put some music on which was not romantic it was sort of wierd Euro electro pop that you would get in a second rate German department store. The second night, he gave me the TV remote and said, find some music (he was in the bathroom......??) Well, there was no music so we ended up with a home shopping channel and as I remember there was some woman trying to sell cheese graters for hours on end. I never actually achieved satisfaction from any act we did. The first night, we talked and laughed a lot after all of this "action" was over and he begged me to stay with him all night, was affectionate, etc. BUT, I don't remember him ever saying that I was beautiful or attractive. I think I told him that he was hot or something and the best I got back from him was "you are a very female woman". Well. The second night, he fell asleep effectively in the act with the swiffer ads going on repeat. As it was 3am and we had to be up at 6 I had to creep back to my room without even a goodbye. That was our last intimate moment after that it was the last day and we did not have any more time alone before flying home.

Urghhh.

So reminder to self, it would be more of this. NO, I don't want it. Why would I possibly want to do that again. Do foreigners have a thing about older married women? Food for thought. What a fool I am.

NO!

I am going to sort out counselling next week.

I accept that what a stranger spouts on a messageboard is probably not going to change her decision but hope that it might.

I just want to say that it does and has.

sorry I don't know how to do fonts and bolds etc. That last bit was a quote about the stranger spouting on the messageboard.

Joona, have you perhaps not read the whole thread! It calls the OP all sorts of names and says some pretty nasty stuff. I don't think in any sense people have condoned her behaviour whatsoever, all kudos that the OP came back in the face of that.

However, if all you do is shout 'immoral' everytime someone has an affair/looks at someone else/sleeps with someone, then perhaps you miss out on understanding what has happened, even if you disagree with it. That may include: mid-life crisis, that's pretty typical crazy behaviour for both men and women (I've known plenty of people have a mid-life moment of madness, some of whom paid a pretty heavy price).

I for one thing that it would be ridiculous if people can't share their real-life experiences, including cheating, on Relationships. There's no violins here, but this should be a space to explore what happens in relationships, including what motivated the OP to risk what she describes as a happy marriage.

Suocera off topic, but if you want to be a writer, you should go for it. I disagree that non-writers post and writers write, I write as part of my work. And, if you murder the grammar, your editor will sort it out!

OP - very brave post about what actually happened in that hotel. And surely replaying that in your head is all the antidote you really need. It can only have been about the attention for you because there's nothing there to look back on fondly, is there?

Well done for cutting contact with this man and moving forward.

And I'm another fan of Suocera - wish I was half as eloquent.

Scorpio, nothing to add to the excellent advice from various people.

But, sorry, big at the shagging in front of the swiffer ads...!

Mumsy/Suocera - absolutely. That's what sub editors are for.

Op - very brave post I agree with Kent.

What I find interesting is that your experience with this guy was absolutely bloody awful!!

If you were single and went on a date-leading-to-shag with this guy you'd be telling your mates he was a creep and there was no chemisty.

But this is the very real 'danger' or allure of any guy showing you attention after many years of marriage.

That's all it is - somebody new making you feel like a woman after 20 odd years of the same dick man.

LUCKY ESCAPE MATE.

What a crock of absolute shite.
the difference is op has come here asking for help and advice, most threads about cheating are started by the cheated wife & quite rightly they recieve much support

Right... In the thread i started, i was asking for opinions on how to advise a male friend of mine, who confessed to me that he had been having an affair, KNEW it was wrong, KNEW that he had to make a choice and wanted to do so, but was in a high state of confusion over which woman he wanted to be with.

HE was seeking support & advice, but i am utterly disgraced by his behaviour, & so i came on here seeking advice on his behalf.

The responses i got were
he's an arsehole
what a selfish git
he doesnt love his partner OR ow, only himself
he got himself into this situation, he doesnt deserve any sympathy
he's nothing but a lying, cheating prick, he needs to tell his wife so she can be free to find someone who deserves her

Thats just a few or the responses, some of which were written by people who are posting sympathetic replies on here, which DOES make them hypocrites!

OP too made an active choice to sleep with OM.. once could be passed off as a mistake, but twice? Then arrangments to meet a 3rd time? ... Oh please!
Its been widely accepted that she loves her DH, their marriage is happy, yet she still recieves sympathy for making the choice to cheat. And the majority here are urging her NOT to tell her DH about any of this... Does he not have the same right as most of you insist my friends partner has?? To be made aware of his wifes deceite, so that he can be given the choice to leave & find someone who is worthy of him?

Talk about double standards, i honestly cant believe what im reading!
i wish people would stop saying 'if it was a man. Its not a man

So that makes it ok? Regardless of gender, age, etc we're all human beings, none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes.

I just find it extremely unfair that this sort of thing is accepted as a mistake when its a woman.. slap on the wrist, naughty naughty, dont do it again...

But when it's a man, the response is alot more harsh.. 'arsehole, selfish prick, its his own fault so let him deal with it'

Cheating is cheating, be it a man or a woman. The crime is just as big whichever gender commited it, but the jury seem to be very biased towards their own gender, and alot more lenient with the punishment.

And i thought women wanted to be regarded as equals!

Oh and OP your comment about Germans not being sexy is offensive and prejudiced not really I totally agree with you

Joona - I'm not really interested in your argument. I haven't reacted the way you describe to men on here. And I can only respond to OP from the heart

I abhor infidelity because (as I said upthread) it caused me and my brother years of misery and pain (no exaggeration). But I am interested in supporting and helping a nice, thoughtful woman who made a terrible mistake to save her children similar shit.

The first night, he put some music on which was not romantic it was sort of wierd Euro electro pop that you would get in a second rate German department store.

Right OP, you have enough there to Make the List. A list of all his 'querks' that you can refer to. In moments of weakness, this will stop you in your tracks. You have more than enough material there already

Proundnscary with all due respect, my comment was not aimed at you personally.. it was mainly aimed at the majorty of those who are responding to OP in a sympathetic manner, yet expressed a totally different view on my thread regarding the same situation.. the only difference being it was a man seeking advice rather than a woman.

I replied to you because you quoted me then went on a rant about what I'd said.

People have not condoned OP's behaviour - no-one has.

We're trying to avert disaster.

What are you saying that because some people may have attacked unfaithful men on here, the OP should get a similar, totally, unhelpful slaying - just for the principle?

And as was said upthread, this is a forum/board predominantly made up of women so there is going to be a natural bias.

I don't think that's a criminal offence.

Excellent post scorpiomyrtlock I thought you were very brave to share what happened.

joona you quoted me so presumably your rant was aimed at me.

I haven't seen your thread and repeat that my response to posters asking for help and support is to try to provide that.

Your argument doesn't add up. There are so many differences, not least that you were posting on behalf of a friend. That is quite different to asking for advice for oneself. It is not the same situation at all, and ranting at posters because they don't judge as harshly as you is a bit silly methinks.

this is a forum/board predominantly made up of women so there is going to be a natural bias.

Really? It may not be criminal, but it is sexist!

Personally I have more respect for someone who has fallen in love with someone else, than one who is just doing it to scratch an itch.

I know marriages geT boring, and ex was a bad husband, and yes I had little crushes over the years, but the point is that if you don't want to cheat you make sure you don't create or allow the opportunity.

BTW, I wasn't cheated on.

I don't think this was about scratching an itch. This could happen to anyone in their late 40s who has lost their way a bit esp in a world where sexual attractiveness/exciting relationships etc are sold to us as the gold standards Good luck OP it seems like you have seen the light!

Better to 'fall in love' then to 'scratch an itch'?

People don't 'fall in love' - that makes it sound like an accident. 'Oops I fell in love - silly me'. I have been married for 17 years and managed not to fall in love - because I don't put myself in a position to.

It's no different, maybe a little worse, than cheating for the sake of excitement or new sex ie scratching an itch.

Perhaps worse because it's a pernicious lie to trot out the 'you can't help who you fall in love with' line.

OP has 'scratched an itch' I agree. But she knows she was wrong and is trying to put that right.

I have never been unfaithful partly because I know the catastrophic consequences from my parents' behaviour.

I don't want her to damage her children and hurt her husband.

What is the use in beating her over the head repeatedly?

What do people saying this about double standards actually want us to do about this, say to this OP? And to what end?

It IS sexist, and it IS hypocrytical.
A womans excuse is accepted, yet a man's is deemed absolute rubbish.

I dont judge harshly by any means. I strongly dissapprove of infidelity on any basis, committed by any individual regardless of their age or gender. I judged a close friend of my own in exactly the same way i have judged op.

He was unfaithful to his partner because he feels he has fallen in love with OW, which is why he is deeply confused about which way his decision should go.

Op on the otherhand, had sex twice with OM and has arranged to do so again, while saying she has no emotional feelings for him. Therefore, she has decieved her husband for something that means nothing to her other than an ego boost.

Yes nothing more than an ego boost, life is strange sometimes. Not black and white and I am in a 20+ yr relationship where an affair would be the end for us but a one off crisis might not. I talked in depth to dp about this thread it actually opened up a very interesting conversation and we came to the conclusion that we are too old and too in love but it could easily happen