happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Right, what I get from that long post is that you feel that somehow "you" have been "lost" under the influence of your DH.
Fine.
Find another way to find yourself. Shagging random blokes is not the way. Do something else that you have wanted to do, that your DH maybe doesn't want to do or wouldn't necessarily agree with, but that doesn't constitute infidelity.
I understand that you feel dominated by him, perhaps you should just try and move out from under his umbrella of influence in other smaller ways - join clubs, do the sky-diving, take off for a weekend with some female friends - you can find yourself without becoming a cheating wife.

YOU are more than your body. This other man wants to use your body. That means that only your body will be liberated from your DH, not the essential You. Find something that liberates all of You.

Please.

Despite what you say about your marriage Scorpio, Im left feeling that it isnt quite as good as you think. Your needs are obviously not being met, on some level, and this is something that you need to work through, with a good Counsellor, as it would seem to be the reason you strayed so easily. From the little youve shared, you seem to be defined by your H, in his shadow even. A powerful, larger than life figure, who has dwarfed you over the years maybe, and now you feel the need to find your own identity. I can understand how easily you were drawn into a whole new scenario, purely about you. Thats very heady, but I suspect you know that it`s not the answer. Be strong, tell the OM you want no further contact, find a Counsellor, and work hard to get to know yourself again.

You would need to be careful of any changes you made in your everyday life - i.e. starting the counselling process - otherwise you may alert your H to the fact that there are problems, before you are strong enough to understand them yourself. I said up thread that I would be surprised if you have not displayed some changes in your normal behaviour already. However, I would advocate, at this stage, that you do not tell H about the OM. Confession may be good for your soul, but it sure as hell destroys the recipient. Once you have put in the work on yourself, you will know which is the best way forward. Im sad for you that you have found yourself with this torment. You actually sound very disappointed in yourself. Dont let yourself down any more than you already have........Good luck.

When others have posted there does seem to be a reason, trigger, problem in the marriage. I think with me its more that my H is a very strong personality and shapes so much of what I do and think. However he loves me and fancies me, etc etc. When I reflect to myself, its a bit like clawing back a bit of the me that was there before he came along. I have been with him on and off since mid teens. My identity, which sometimes I can't remember what it was like, or who I was. Am I only "succesful" because of him? It is not that I have a hollow life, I have a good and challenging job (which I have been doing very poorly for the last few weeks) and I do a lot of work in the community for others. Other than that it is all about our family and children which I put all my remaining energies into. So is this a self esteem issue, I don't know

Any one of us could rifle through the very human flaws all our spouses have, stick a critical one sided lens on them, and come up with a couple that would make a nice hook to hang at least some of the blame/responsibility on were we to embark on an affair that we took pains to hide from them. Cos none of us are married to perfect people. Terribly convenient, no ?

Charbon is on the money.

It's up to you now. Do you want to carry on with this self induced emotional chaos so you can call it "madness" in order to reduce your awareness of being the architect of your predicament, or not ?

What might work at helping you focus on answering that question is a trip to a solicitor to find out where you would stand , financially, housing and custody/visitation wise in the case of marital breakdown.

At the moment the thrill of the OM is flesh and blood. You've felt it, tasted it, revelled in it. It's real. The realities and details of life post "marriage Armageddon" are not. They are just a rather intangible idea.

Make a potential divorce more real by sitting in an office and discussing the ramifications of your marriage hypeothetically going up in smoke, so at least it can compete for your attention and get a fair comparison against Mr Thrilling.

I have a good and challenging job (which I have been doing very poorly for the last few weeks) and I do a lot of work in the community for others. Other than that it is all about our family and children which I put all my remaining energies into. So is this a self esteem issue, I don't know.

I think you have a duty to yourself too you know. And that would benefit your family in a round about way because you would be fulfilled and happy in yourself, not happy because you are making others happy. Gosh and you do work in the community too? Unless you are getting alot of rewarding satisfaction from this work, and not just from seeing that others are happier, but that YOU are happier doing this, I would stop this and start finding some selfish innocent pleasures instead.

Perhaps your parents' divorce has made making a happy family higher in your priorities than it should be and you are devoting too much of yourself to it. I was a SAHM most of the time with a DH away alot and put alot into bringing up DCs, they are left home now and it is quite hard to make yourself put yourself first, I have to remind myself to do it sometimes. So should you.

Oh please let's not go down the route of painting the husband as some domineering character who wasn't meeting his wife's needs and crushed her 'identity'.

No-one would be saying that if this was a man having an affair.

The OP isn't saying this either.

I've a feeling that before Mr European came calling, the OP wasn't obsessing too much about her lost identity either.....

Not painting him as anything Charbon - she's said it herself - and yes, it might be an excuse BUT it's still a piss-poor one because, if it is true, there are other ways to deal with the situation instead of illicit fumblings with an exotic foreigner.

"I think with me its more that my H is a very strong personality and shapes so much of what I do and think. When I reflect to myself, its a bit like clawing back a bit of the me that was there before he came along. I have been with him on and off since mid teens. My identity, which sometimes I can't remember what it was like, or who I was. Am I only "succesful" because of him?"

The OP herself states quite categorically above, that she has lost her identity in her marriage, due to her DH`s "very strong personality", and feels that she is trying to claw it back. This will inevitably create an inequality in a marriage, whether the "powerful" partner be man or woman.

What the OP actually said was

"my H is a very strong personality and shapes so much of what I do and think"

I'd say the same of my H and he'd certainly say the same about me

I think we need to find a balance on these infidelity threads between calling the OP a scarlet woman or alternatively, seeing her as a victim of a powerful husband who's not meeting her needs......and her own low self-esteem.

It's as though it's unthinkable for women to want sex and romance with someone else, just because they want to and are selfish enough to pursue it.

I think the OP's falling into that trap a bit herself, which is a shame given that she's been much more honest about her happy marriage and the fact that she pursued this MM. All that stuff about selfless womanhood, lost identity and wanting 'me time' is as much of a female cliché as a married man complaining that he's worked all his life, paid his taxes and never had a break.

None of that is a reason to have an affair. Those reasons are more to do with someone's personality and character and if the OP is going to learn from this, I think she needs to move away from this self-image of being Mrs. Selfless Everywoman who needed an adventure - and be a bit more introspective than that.

Don't worry about your self esteem. Everyone lights up under a bit of flattery, it doesn't mean there is a problem. What you must do now is BLOCK HIS NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE. Then you don't have to be on pins waiting for a text, because there won't be one.

yes, it might be an excuse

Might ?

Did OP have concerns about her lost identity, "strong personality" husband and assumed esteem issues BEFORE she shagged a stranger behind her husband's back ? Did she, say, post on Mumsnet for advice, look into counselling, speak to her friends ?

Or have these issues suddenly occurred to her only during the course of the thread ?

While startling events can and do bring issues to the forefront after previous careful ignoring, I think we need to consider the source before taking certain turns of phrase at face value.

The OP has lied and betrayed her husband. Somebody she claims she loves. She planned to add pre meditated lies and betrayal to the mix despite the risks to the husband and children she says she loves to bits. The only reason why the pre meditated shag is off is because the other guy cancelled. (Hopefully not because his wife smelled a rat and is in full on digging mode to find out where, when and who with).

So we know honesty and truth telling is something she can be quite "fluid" about.

She feels guilty, crushingly so at times I should imagine. Like many who have been where she is before, the desire to lower her guilt levels and reduce the potential nightmare of having to look at your spouse knowing you have wholly betrayed their trust can be quite urgent. The quickest and easiest way to achieve that desire is to shift some of the blame/responsibility onto the spouse. It lowers the guilt load and makes it easier to bear their pain, because you can tell yourself that they brought it on themselves to some extent. (Despite having been deliberately kept in the dark about the thing they allegedly helped make happen.)

Right now,especially after that last post, she is something of a walking, talking cliche when it comes to the cheating genre.

The OP needs to look at herself hard, searchingly, with a degree of honesty and self criticism that is both painful and difficult to face. Rather than her husband's flaws, perhaps she should be concentrating on her own shortcomings? Given they don't appear to be few, or all that mild, given the serious nature of the circumstances.

I have a strong personality. I have (and do) shape what my husband thinks, feels and does. He like many adults in their 40s has identity wibbles due to the changing roles we have been through over the years and the time/energy crunch life as a parent/spouse/worker leaves him with less time for himself than he likes.

Should we give him a free pass to cheat on me ? Because if push came to shove he could write the above on a message board to defend a zipless fuck or two. If you took it at face value and ignored the inherent bias and the motivation to spread the guilt load It would be easy to distort and reduce who I am to just a couple of sentences and completely misrepresent me.

Hand on heart I find the attempt to drag the husband into this and blame share him a betrayal just as grave as the illicit fucking. Salt in the wound he doesn't even know he has. Yet.

I might, might be able to put a spur of the moment fling behind us. But to have misrepresented me, taken a stab at publicly assassinating my character via insinuation to bunch of random internets, for the sake of making himself feel better about himself, at my expense (again)....not sure I could get past that cherry on the cake of deceit.

Finding reasons why you fell to temptation is not the same as making excuses, though. Knowing the reasons can help you avoid temptation in the future. Excuses justify your actions and give you carte blanche to do it again.

I have to say I wanted to shake the OP when she said what happens if he texts again. Like when someone refers to their adultery as "the inevitable happened". Well no, it's not inevitable, it is a choice; and if you made a bad choice once due to circumstances, which you know is a bad choice (as don't we all at some time), surely you either take the solemn oath never to make that mistake again. Or if you don't trust your own strength of purpose, you try to ensure you are never in that set of circumstances again. You don't kind of hover around in limbo waiting to see whether you, a supposed adult in control of their faculties, are going to make the same bad choice you made before. Just, er, don't!

I really like Charbon's and AnyFucker's posts on this thread. Probably will have hit home far more than the rants from some. You can still change what happens here, take control, but you need to put in place your plan to thwart any further moves from the other man. If you don't plan for those, they could really throw you and you'll be swept along again. Don't let them.

I can't comprehend the hypocrisy of somebody berating the OP for not posting about her problems on MN prior to an affair, yet slapping her down for posting on MN after the affair for 'character assassination'. WTF indeed. This is either a publicly identifiable board or it isn't; it won't bend to suit the agenda of domineering posters.

OP... If you do have the option of talking this through with somebody who really can put you in the picture of the implications of what you're doing, take the opportunity, please. It would be a crying shame if that could have helped you take stock beforehand, when possibly outcomes can be changed for the better, rather than afterwards, when it's just 'cleaning up the mess'.

I wish you well. :)

well, first off:

he told me right from the start he lives away from his wife and they are good friends but not lovers, she does not ask any questions but they respect each other, so its not like what I did altered anything there.

yeah, right

Oldest line I'm afraid. The chances are that wifey has no idea of the 'understanding' role he has given her.

Your husband may be a strong character but you have also willingly subsumed yourself in your family life. You have been a 'good' wife and mother - how important that is, how clearly defined that role is. There is a great deal of cultural pressure to conform in this way (and it's not all bad, of course!) and we can feel smug contented that everything is as it should be, everyone is in the right place and all's going well.

We are more than a role though and maybe this affair has highlighted that by hijacking your life. I've had the hots for people and I remember at one stage the attraction was so immense I was almost in an out of body space and knew I'd go for it - but that night he didn't turn up and, thank God, the crisis passed. this thing overwhelmed you before you had the chance to think (I'm not making you the victim here though). Maybe you now know that being 'good' doesn't inure you from bog standard temptations that assuage most of us. Perhaps it was naivety about base instincts and lusts that ill-prepared you when temptation came along and knocked at your door.

arranging to meet him in the cold light of day is one step too far and you can't do that. If it is an itch that you must scratch or you will die, then it is about something else. yy it could be bog-standard ego - not to be sniffed at imo - or it could be a more profound itch that has not been scratched and needs to be addressed. Maybe you are more than the role you chose: the wife of, the mother of, the business partner, the successful businesswoman, the upright pillar of the community; and maybe you need to find out who that person is... a humbling journey which brings great rewards, just as long as you're not striking out to find out how special you are. I don't say that horribly, not having a dig - we're all pretty grubby when it comes down to it (as you have found).

Get to a counsellor OP, soon as. Cancel this bloke - phone etc. It probably won't register with you that what looks sparkling and irresistible now is not what it seems, really it isn't.

"Oh please let's not go down the route of painting the husband as some domineering character who wasn't meeting his wife's needs and crushed her 'identity'."

FWIW, can't speak for anyone else but that's not at all what I wanted to say. I don't think he's crushed her, I think she's neglected to do the basic self-care that stops life in general from leaving us all a bit squished. We all have identity wibbles for lots of reasons. The problem here is that the OP thinks that shagging OM is a way out of hers, and that's not helping her block his number and refrain from doing this bloody stupid awful thing.

We don't just need to tell her she's being a twat, we need to show her that she's got legitimate and better ways to feel good about herself, and she NEEDS to start doing them for everyone's sake. That's how she'll resist the temptation to carry on cheating. At the moment, on some level, she sees it as a choice between feeling this fucking good just once more in her life (though I don't entirely believe it'll really be just once, if she starts seeing him over here - it'll be him again or someone else) or never ever feeling it again. And she's making the excuse that she deserves to feel that way. Well, she does deserve it, but she needs to pull her finger out and find a way to get it that doesn't mean emotionally savaging the family she cares so much about. Her responsibility, nobody else's.

What ever way you shake it, the mans always the bastard, right? lol.

I actually think it's very easy to have a fling at a business event like this. I haven't done it myself, as in had sex with someone, but I have ended up drinking, dancing, singing and generally larking about at work events. You are so far away from home. Team building type stuff or bonding over lunch/dinner/drinks or even how boring the sessions are helps add to the fantasy environment where your home-life almost doesn't exist. Even if your marriage is good, it is great to get away and be a bit 'single' for a night or two. The fact that OP acted on it and didn't draw the line appropriately probably doesn't say a lot about her marriage, actually at all.

She maybe did get carried away and as long as she thinks....omg what did I risk for that drunken night or immature ridiculous behaviour...then she can recover. Blaming her DH or her marriage is a distraction in my opinion and can only end in tears. They'll end up in therapy digging up problems for what is a perfectly good marriage when all she needs to do is make damned sure she cuts off OM and keeps her knickers on in future.

Telling her DH or not? I don't know but if she does she needs to take full blame and responsibility and to explain it for what it was..not a manifestation of what DH is doing wrong.

But arranging to meet OM again and continuing a relationship with him is totally out of order and in another class of betrayal.

"he told me right from the start he lives away from his wife and they are good friends but not lovers, she does not ask any questions but they respect each other, so its not like what I did altered anything there.

yeah, right

Oldest line I'm afraid. The chances are that wifey has no idea of the 'understanding' role he has given her."

Here's another one that said 'yeah, right.'

Word for word what my H said to his lifechanger. Except he said 'doesn't care' instead of 'understanding', and failed to mention that I had stayed in UK on his suggestion, to look after the children.

My traumatic reaction on finding out that I had been betrayed by the person I thought I could trust put paid to that line of reasoning...

Number, I think she has been flamed and the real issue - SELFISHNESS - has been sounded pretty good, don't you think?

And, OP? He's had your twat, the challenge got done and it's no longer new, that was all he was out for, now on to the next one. Not too alive making really, is it?

He has cancelled and is probably having a change of heart This has given you a get out clause which you should grab with both hands. Then you need to think about why you feel the need to be validated in this way and where that comes from. I wonder if you were v attractive when younger and are missing that> I am 47 and a few of my mates have felt a kind of loss around this age. You do feel a bit unattractive and it could lead you down this road. Just checking out if you are still attractive even though you have a lovely family. You have proved you are and now need to accept that and be thankful for what you have.

Delete any contact details you have for him, get yourself checked for STIs and move on with your life hoping your poor husband never finds out,

I would put every penny I have on the fact his "business emergency" was a better offer.

Do not pursue him you will lose more then you gain

Yes, go for counselling.
I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy
Well, if it shakes him up a bit too bad. Better he's a bit shaken up now than hit by a bombshell out of nowhere in the future.

I think your parents' divorce might have left a lasting legacy which you are only now becoming aware of. My upbringing had influences on my behaviour until sorting myself out in my early 50s, of course it still inluences but at least I am aware of it now and know what to do to avoid the negative aspects but it took that long!

I am not excusing or blaming I am just saying.

Just read everyone's posts, it has really helped me. Exhausted, weary, sad, after so much emotional energy guilt, shame and pain. I am sure you are all right that he had a change of heart, got a better offer, not true about his wife etc etc. Today he left me a voicemail saying how sorry he was to cancel. So I texted him back and said its for the best if I don't see you anymore. To which he texted straight back saying he really liked me and really wanted to see me again. I did not reply and I have deleted all the texts. I am choosing not to see him again and not to respond. I am choosing not to think about him but my mind is not as obedient as my fingers or my phone. I don't know how to control my mind. As simple and as hard and as commonplace as that.

Good for you - that took strength. I really hope you are able to move on and be happy with your DH.

FWIW don't believe what OM says about his relationship with his wife. My H told OW we hadn't had sex for 10 years. Poor girl believed him too. Actually we were ttc, successfully as it happens, as I'm pregnant. It is most definitely not an immaculate conception. Somewhere along the line men who are cheating on their wives lose the ability to tell the truth,to either woman.

Good luck.