happily married for 20+ years, slept with a man on a business trip, really need help

[scorpiomyrtlock]

This was about 6 weeks ago, I met the OM abroad, we slept together twice and I am due to meet him again next week when he visits UK. I am so confused, meeting him again will mean lying to my DH. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do it but of course I know that better than anyone. I don't recognise myself. I love my husband and there is nothing wrong in our marriage. Neither of us has ever been unfaithful. We have a good sex life with lots of novelty. I don't want to leave him or for him to change. None of this is his fault. Its just that having someone else telling me they find me attractive, etc and a person in my own right rather than just wife/mother/business partner after so long with one person is an indescribable high. I had never been in the position where I had to resist temptation before - I thought I would be able to easily, I was so shocked that I gave in so easily - in fact I was an equal instigator in the affair and in the subsequent arrangement to meet up again. I am sure posters will come on here and tell me to just stop what I am doing. I want to stop but at the same time I don't. Its like a drug that I know is bad for me but I can't resist. I'm otherwise a stable well balanced person (or so I thought) I am terrified that my DH will find out. I haven't told anyone. If you knew me you would think I was the last person to do this. Has anyone else succesfully resisted temptation after being faithful for so long? Literally how do you stop thinking about the OM? I cannot get the thoughts of him out of my head. I don't want to be with him (he is married) and he is totally unsuitable for me. This is driving me crazy. I thought these feelings would go away after a few weeks but they are getting worse.

It is all bottling up and I have no one to talk to. I can't go for counselling I would have to explain to my DH why and as far as he knows I am happy.

Then if I may say so TimetoAsk you've absorbed the wrong message from this thread. The OP has said nothing about her husband not making her 'feel loved, liked and wanted' - just the opposite in fact, and yet this STILL happened.

I may have read it wrong, but I don't think TimetoAsk was thinking about affair proofing her marriage from her husband's side, but more taking steps in the now to avoid being similarly blasé about her husband's place in her life and taking him for granted by looking for active steps to remind herself how much he matters as a person. So should temptation come her way she would be better placed to shoot off in the opposite direction and not risk her DH's pain, before it even got to the point of having to resist.

Because temptation is harder to walk away from the longer you let it dangle in front of you while you salivate and squirm in the thrill of anticipation. I think the biggest trick is to walk away from it at first mild tingle rather than waiting till it is a raging throb.

Basking in flattery and attention may feel nice, but it is like pulling a tiger's tail and then looking all surprised and "who knew!" when it turns around and bites your family's faces off.

You are right that it can happen to any marriage, but I don't think as individuals we are helpless in avoiding being the one who sets the fire that burns it to the ground. There is a substantial middle ground between being fatalistic or complacent.

I think it is pretty pointless doing anything to try and vaccinate your partner from thrills outside the marriage (Unless you can invent a way to take control of their central nervous system, but where is the joy in being married to an automaton?) But there is stuff you can do for yourself if you get a timely reminder that familiarity + exciting opportunity can breed indifference or contempt for a spouse that has done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

And I think that is what she meant by her post, that she wouldn't want to find herself doing what the OP did, recognises that it is far easier to fall in than push yourself out, and chooses to be proactive in stopping the (most often comfortable and pleasant) familiarity of a long term partner become an Achilles' heel.

Yes she has been selfish. I think that's pretty much the unanimous opinion on here. She knows that too.

I don't feel sympathy for her BUT I wanted to be one of the voices urging her to come to her senses.

Because if just one post stops her meeting this guy for drunken sex in a Travel Lodge, then that might be the difference between a happy family and one torn apart.

If we write her off as a 'bitch' and the most seflish woman ever to roam the earth then where can she go from there? She has a chance to claw this back from the edge of disaster.

The sex you have with this man, if you meet up with him, will eventually (or immediately) disgust you, make you feel cheap and worthless and your self esteem 100% worse.

You can look at this as a mad/bad mistake if you don't see him again and would I believe be justified not telling your DH - not worth the heartache for him. But if you carry this on (with someone you don't even like that much ffs) you're entering a whole new territory.

Think of youself alone in a bedsit, with no friends because they think you're a distrustful cheat who's not worth their time. I believe people don't look at cheaters in the same light ever again - regardless of who it is or the circumstances

Ah, I see.

That might well have been my misunderstanding and if so, I apologise unreservedly.

If it was about taking protective measures of oneself not to go down the slippery slope, I agree 100% with that. Because the only person's behaviour we can control is our own.

I dont believe for one moment that 'it can happen to any marriage'.

Having an affiar isnt a random event, like a traffic accident or illness, it is a proactive choice on the part of one partner, to put their desires above their partners and families needs.

The OP is choosing this path, and probably believes she can get away with it and undiscovered it wont hurt anyone. That is where her thinking is so wrong. Her H will sense something is up, but may not have the insight or the strength to confront her. She will alter her behaviour and find fault with him and her family, in order to justify the affair. Even undiscovered, it will damage her relationship with her H and her children.

Unfortunately you cant stop anyone else behaving like this. She can only stop herself - but so far nothing she has posted give any indication she will.

Name changed & slight hijack - sorry

I'm so unbelievably grateful for this tread.

Have been married for 15 years+ with 2 DC. I love my DH, we have a wonderful home & great kids. I would say that our sex life is OK but not as good as it was years ago. Me too I have fallen head over heals for another man. It is someone I work with and I'm pretty sure that he feels the spark between us as well. I have lost about a stone in weight, don't fancy food, think about him when I go to bed at night and if it was not for the kids and everything my DH and I have built up together I think I might be tempted. ( yes I'm ashamed to admit this.) Unfortunately because we see each other at work I can not stop seeing him, which I would do given a choice.

This tread is giving me so much strength. Especially when I read all these messages giving reasons why not to get involved. It is not that I don't already know all these things, seeing it written down that makes all the difference.

Thank you mummies!

Apart from one comment calling her a bitch I don't think there has been an over-reaction here.

Also not telling the H is not protecting him and the family, it's protecting her.

The fallout will be bad for the family yes, but it is the cheater who will have the worst of it (no need to expand here i think). To suggest guilt is worse that the fallout of telling him is idiotic.

Not telling the H is the selfish thing to do, the cheater gets to have her cake and eat it with only a little guilt (that she has yet to convince me she actually feels guilt).

YoungerX

Maybe. But I would do all I can to spare my DC the fallout of an affair coming to light.

"Also not telling the H is not protecting him and the family, it's protecting her."

It's both. So the question becomes whether it's worth breaking a man's heart and possibly splitting up a family for the sake of being honest at all costs. If the OP stops this nasty little business in its tracks right fucking now, does not meet the guy, cuts all contact, gets herself a full STD check and never, ever cheats again, then the only thing to be gained from telling her husband is a sop to her conscience and a gold star for not telling naughty lies. Oh wait, the latter doesn't apply after primary school. So just a sop to her conscience, then.

IMO, a lot of people would succumb to temptation under the right circumstances, whether they think they would or not. That doesn't make it OK, but it does mean that a lot of us are married to someone who'd indulge in an illicit snog or even shag, if they were in the wrong headspace at the wrong time and met the wrong person. Not in itself a huge, life-altering thing that needs to be revealed at all costs, IMO. But to go any further, to deliberately meet up, lie to your spouse as you leave the house to go bone somebody else, THAT'S scummy. That's the kind of thing I'd want to know about, that's the kind of that would make me seriously question whether my husband was the man I'd thought he was.

Dunno if anyone else would agree with this but for me being cheated on in the first place wasn't a complete show-stopper with my ex. I could recognise the temptation and, personally at that stage, was willing to forgive and move on. Once I saw him start to behave like he had got away with it...and he started going after more...that's when I decided enough was enough....or at least when I started evaluating the rest of the relationship and woke up (actually to lots of other things that I am now well rid of - hooray!!!).

My ex has since complained to me that I used his infidelity as an 'excuse' to leave him...he's right....it was the kick up the arse I needed. A cautionary tale for would-be cheaters...you're not in control of everything in your relationship.

VodkaAndCoke I understand your feelings, I think it is very normal to have crushes on people even if you are married and content. The difference is acting on them. I'm on Day 3 now since I found out what DH did (and on the grand scheme of things it wasn't a huge deal, they only met up once but had a three-month facebook messaging flirt thing going and I knew her, she really does look like a spotty hamster). I've cried so many tears in the last three days. DH is desperate for me to forgive him. He's in a hotel at the moment, due back tomorrow. It is our wedding anniversary on Sunday, we are supposed to be going abroad on Friday to celebrate it. He hasn't cancelled it yet. He's hoping to still go to 'talk'. I feel sick, I feel sad, very sad, we have three DSs. I feel I should forgive him. I don't know.

OP and Vodka... I think some peoples' views are too skewed with hurt to be of help. If you've never been in the position of the 'slippery slope' and never experienced what it is to feel out of control, it's hard to be objective or have any real understanding of what it is that makes people do these crazy things.

I completely agree with the sentiment that it is the risk of so much for so little... it is. People think they won't get caught out - and some won't.

What I will say from my own experience is that you may feel like you have control at the beginning - and you maybe do - but you most definitely will not have it as an affair progresses. It's the most lonely and heartbreaking gamut of pain that doesn't compare to anything else - and that's if you manage to keep it secret and end it before it implodes.

Think of that, protect everybody you love - and protect yourself also.

Maybe your husbands playing away aswell.

Love it number!!! If he's not yet, he probably will be if he ever gets his hands on this thread....

OP if I were your DH I'd forgive you the original transgression, on the basis we are all of us human, and getting carried away although weak, isn't fundamental. I would not forgive you the whole 'I want to see him again, sob, wail, poor little me' saga on here. That is a far worse betrayal. It'd make no difference to me whether you actually met him again, I'd be changing the locks already.

I wonder what the OP's background is.

Perhaps a SAHM for years (where the chance for mild flirtation or anything else is pretty slim ime) who has embarked on a new career/ role and the thrill of this new situation is mindblowing.

Add on approaching menopause, changing hormone levels, ?ageing parents reminding us that we are not immortal, perhaps the realisation that she is never going to reach that pinnacle of success in her career or perhaps serious illness in friends or relatives making life feel it is there to be grasped while we can.

Perhaps this next meeting with OM will have lost its glamour and OP will realise that it was cheap rather than anything more meaningful. Anyway I definitely don't think she should tell her DH. Any crushes I have had but not acted on have turned into bafflement over time as to what on earth the attraction was in the first place.

I dont believe for one moment that 'it can happen to any marriage'.

But it can and it does. A marriage is made up of two people. If one is a bit more more selfish or entitled than the other - and has poor boundaries around other people, then there's nothing the other partner can do about it.

There are legions of people who've got partners who are a bit selfish and a bit self-rewarding when times get tough and an affair like this is just an extension of it. Few people who are partnered with people like that realise that there were clues all along in their personalities and general behaviour, mainly because these are fairly human faults and no-one's perfect. And all the rubbish advice is still of the 'keep your partner happy and s/he won't stray' variety. Instead of - 'Insist on an equal investment from a partner in your relationship and talk about how you'll both deal with temptation' which would be far more apposite and meaningful advice.

What couples don't talk about enough is how common this situation is and how they'll avoid it. Infidelity is often a complete taboo that couples think will never happen to them.

Whereas if someone's a reasonably attractive personality and they've got the opportunity (i.e. business trips abroad with colleagues and clients) it's actually rarer not to be hit on from time to time and yes, to wonder 'what if?'.

I think if people were a bit more realistic about this and talked about it more, instead of assuming a partner has the same resilience as you in these situations, or conversely over-estimating your own resilience in such a setting, a lot of hurt like this could be avoided.

Well said, Charbon.

From Charbon: "It's fairly telling that this was the first time you've ever had an opportunity and been tempted. It might therefore be a bit of a red herring that you're nearing 50 and it would be tempting to call it a classic midlife crisis, but you'll need to be searingly honest and ask yourself whether if you'd had this opportunity at a different time of life, you wouldn't have resisted then either. If that's possible, then go back longer ago in your life and find out what shaped you so that you need your esteem boosted this way.

On the other hand, if you've always lived a fairly conventional life and have always done the 'right' things, is there a part of you that has wanted to throw of those shackles a bit and makes you think that you're now entitled to a pleasurable adventure?"

This sums it up for me. Yes, I have lived a very conventional, "good" life so far. I am not going to give any more of my background for obvious reasons but please remember that just because I did not say in the OP I am not thinking about my husband and children doesn't mean that I am not- sometimes these things seem so obvious that I did not understand the need to state them. I am not unhappy, I am not depressed or suffering from another condition, my H and DC are everything to me. I have devoted my life to their upbringing and wellbeing and they are my priority in all that I do. We are a strong unit that does everything together. My parents divorced when I was a young adult so I am under no illusions that divorce affects older children painfully, not just younger ones, my values and full intention has always been to create a stable family unit that will last my lifetime and theirs.

I would like to thank all of you who have contributed, the vast majority of you kindly, and the ones that were not is no more than I deserve, I am also really grateful to people who've messaged me privately I am amazed that people are kind enough to reach out to a complete stranger. I have been scared, yes about reading the posts, and I have felt unable to come back and post again after a couple of "strong" ones. I have had to look at myself through others eyes. It is not comfortable. I have not been honest.

What has happened today has been a wake up call for me. I have just had a text from the OM saying he has had to cancel his business trip due to business emergency. I had not, I am ashamed to say, cancelled it myself. I had been spending all day feeling sick, guilty and ashamed that I had not done so and playing scenarios in my head such as the ones described so vividly on this thread. Then telling myself that it would not happen to me, I would just see him once and that would be enough then I would go back to being a good wife and mother. Literally every 5 minutes I would flip between terror at what could happen if I did it, and then how much I would be missing out if I did not. It is like madness. Imagining everyone finding out, etc etc but then the longing and the feeling, oh, it will only be once more, it won't hurt anyone, and surely I deserve just one little bit for myself.
Now it won't happen of course, I do honestly feel relief, that the choice has been taken away from me. I realise how much time I have been spending thinking about meeting up with him, what I would say, what I wanted him to say to me. Yes, true- it was not the sex I was looking forward to. It was the way he would talk to me, telling me what he liked about me. If he could have done that all night I would not have cared whether we had sex or not. And, I don't care how many other 50 year olds he has shagged that doesn't enter into it, I am sure there are many, as I think I said somewhere else he told me right from the start he lives away from his wife and they are good friends but not lovers, she does not ask any questions but they respect each other, so its not like what I did altered anything there.

I am scared about how easily this happened to me. When others have posted there does seem to be a reason, trigger, problem in the marriage. I think with me its more that my H is a very strong personality and shapes so much of what I do and think. However he loves me and fancies me, etc etc. When I reflect to myself, its a bit like clawing back a bit of the me that was there before he came along. I have been with him on and off since mid teens. My identity, which sometimes I can't remember what it was like, or who I was. Am I only "succesful" because of him? It is not that I have a hollow life, I have a good and challenging job (which I have been doing very poorly for the last few weeks) and I do a lot of work in the community for others. Other than that it is all about our family and children which I put all my remaining energies into. So is this a self esteem issue, I don't know.

I can't write any more - have left out some significant bits (not about the relationships though) because I really am scared that I will inadvertently identify myself. I do want to come to terms with what I did. Trust me if I tell my husband he will not forgive me. I am scared about so many things. About what I did, also about what would happen if the OM texts me again in a month and tells me he is in the UK.

I have read some other posts/threads and found good advice about moving forward, right now I'm so confused and upset I can't think logically. Please tell me that this will pass and these feelings will stop....

Op, I think you sound like a really lovely and caring person. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgive yourself and move on.

"Clawing" back the "wild side" before there was "control" ...

Good luck OP. You deserve happiness.

OP, are you trying to punish yourself by following through and meeting this OM (I know he cancelled this time but there will be another, it is clear you will cave in when he texts you again)

Are you on a self-destruct mission ? Since you already shagged him, you might as well carry on and fuck the consequences ? Just keep going until you get found out and your life is ruined (along with that of your family)? Is that all you think you deserve ?

Well, the jury is out as to that you deserve but your DH certainly doesn't warrant this kind of tawdry drama in his life.

So engage your brain instead of your frankly-ridiculous pathetic need for even a skank like this to validate you, and text him once to tell him never to contact you again

Then hope none of this comes to light, for the sake of your family

The fear of that happening, which of course is very real, is your punishment. Not this headlong dive into destruction you appear to be inflicting upon yourself

Those feelings will stop, but only if you take your head out of your arse for a moment (please imagine me saying that with a smile on my face; it's not meant unkindly).

First of all, you've only got what this man tells you as evidence of the state of his marriage. You want to believe that you've not made an iota of difference to his marriage or his wife's happiness because that salves your conscience towards another woman. Fact is, you pursued and slept with her husband and tried to persuade him to do so again. You need to take your share of the responsibility for that, just as much as you've taken responsibility for what you've done to your own marriage and husband. For all you know, his marriage is just like yours and I think there's a clue in that given that he's now got cold feet and has bailed out of this trip. I'm sure you realise if he wanted to come he would have found some way to do that, even if his firm wasn't picking up the tab.

Your feelings about being entitled to an adventure and 'something just for you' after a conventional life full of good deeds are not so much based in low self-esteem as much as human selfishness. You've chosen to give yourself a reward, but at the potential cost of two families' happiness and most ironically, your own. Rewards that will cause pain to ourselves and others are selfish ones. What you might need to reflect on is why you chose that, instead of something else. Why the usual things that give adults 'identity' weren't enough for you, such as your career, your personal friendships, your unique skills and talents.

Your best move right now is to text the other man back and tell him that on reflection, you're very relieved he's not coming and that you've decided to end this now. I'm pretty sure he will respond with relief, not disappointment but if he has second thoughts in a few weeks time, or it really was a business emergency - and then tries to change your mind, you need to get yourself to a place where you can say no and mean it.

You do have control over what happens now and you're not a helpless slave to your emotions. But you do need to stop excusing yourself with the much-worn and tired 'low self esteem' stuff. I'm afraid it's a less excusable character trait you need to work on, but a very human one - selfishness.

OP, you know what, you sound like you're burning yourself out with making other people the top priority in everything you do. Yes, you do deserve one little bit for yourself, in face you deserve a whole lot for yourself. But having an affair isn't the way to meet that very valid need.

Some people throw everything into a job that they may love, but that will ultimately demand too much of them if they can't or won't set their own boundaries. Then they end up breaking down, going off on sick leave or quitting altogether, which in the end doesn't help them OR their employer. Well, the same can happen in your personal life. You shouldn't be feeling such a non-entity, or so drained by attending to others, that a bit of spontaneous attention from another bloke is an unbelievable temptation. And that stable family unit could just as easily come crashing down because you've exhausted yourself trying to maintain it and suddenly can't be that selfless any more. It almost sounds like you've been suppressing all your ordinary selfishness, the normal levels you need to indulge just for self-preservation, until at last it all comes out in one great big act that really is unacceptably selfish. It's not a good way to manage things.

You said yourself the sex with OM wasn't that great, and that your husband fancies you too, so what is it you're wanting to experience rather than go without for the rest of your days? The feeling of being someone who matters in her own right, maybe - or maybe that's not quite it, but whatever the feeling is, you really can have that without cheating.

Can you see a therapist on your own to sort some of this out and find better ways to reestablish your own identity? (You don't have to tell your husband it's because you've been tempted to have an affair!) Or even just take a holiday on your own - NOT near OM! - and spend a week bumbling about doing what the hell you want, not thinking about anyone else. Work is good, but it's not 'you' time. You need to have some regular time away from the demands of other people.

And get on it asap, start thinking about this and what you can do to get back on an emotionally healthy track, because you're still talking about "what would happen" if OM texts again, rather than what you would choose to do. It is a choice. It is an action on your part. I think that at the moment you don't have any real hope that you can feel that good about yourself without the attention of OM or someone like him. You need to take responsibility for getting that feeling back, not looking for it from someone else, whether that's your husband, your family, a stranger, whoever. No one's going to magic it better for you.

Staying happy enough to fulfill your role in your family is not an extravagance, it's a responsibility.

Just read some earlier posts of yours OP where you say he is European and he says he lives apart from his wife.

Wouldn't someone who could get away very easily on a short flight, without arousing any suspicions, come over if he really wanted to?

And herein lies another problem, which really might give you low self-esteem.

If this bloke has decided to end things, either because he's just not into you or he doesn't want to cause any more damage to his marriage (and has been telling lies about it and his living arrangements) then coping with that sort of rejection might be very hard. You might never know the truth of it either.

You wouldn't be the first woman who coped with that sort of rejection by seeking out another affair as a means of self-validation, constantly seeking a man who is more into you and who is prepared to make more sacrifices to your ego.

Whereas if you take control of this now and end it, you can tell yourself it was on your terms.