What do you think?

[Redcorn]

Am I jealous (it's ridiculous if I am) or just thinking about his safety? and we need help...Hi everyone I noticed that my husband has un usual behaviour towards children...He is a good man and a good husband he loves me so much and taking good care of me and I believe I am a good wife too before we got married I did noticed that he is fun of children ( Female)that's why I told to myself he'll be a good father. (But we dont have children yet)

He's 7 years older than me and he is on his own when he was 19 and now he is on his forty's and we've been together for more than 2 years.

He has the tendency to stare at children unconciously specifically children ages 7 to 14, I don't think sexually but if I'm a parent of those children it will offensive on my part...as his wife i feel embarrassed ...I did point this out to him and he said he is not concious of doing this.. I said that he needs to be careful about this and discipline himself because he will be putting himself in danger that people might accused him of something. I believe and I have faith on him but everytime i saw him staring again I feel worried and I get upset as i expect that he is aware and we already discussed this issue and he said He really don't mean it he is a bit defensive at first and he is not doing this... as he admitted he likes looking at people but not offensively ,but again i pointed it out why mostly children? and he said sorry wife you need to help me then if I am staring to them call my atttention. And he said that it makes him worried that as his wife that I am thinking that he is a weirdo...

I don't know I love him so much and I know he loves me too I want to help him but I dont know how , i must admit I am a kind of person that thinks too much into details maybe I am the problem here maybe i just need ignore this and i'l let him to be himself to avoid upsetting each other.

could you please help..

So you hope to have a baby girl to teach him that his behaviour is very weird ?

Is that going to work, do you think ?

How about he doesn't act weird in the first place ?

Redcorn sorry I haven't been able to get back until now.

This is my perception based on what you have answered to my queries and those of others.

1. He has an unhealthy interest in this girl, and she has an unhealthy interest in him.

Or:

1. He is having an affair/flirtation with her mother.

Either way I would say his behaviour is perplexing and untrustworthy, and I don't think you are jealous or paranoid.

I think he is being dishonest but the reasons behind it are a bit of a mystery.

Keep talking.

Hi @izzy; thanks for your concern..he been on his own aroundb 19 -20 until he met me ..his got a girlfriend but its not serious he said it last 2 or 3 months even his doesn't know that and he even said they never had sex the girlfriend is religious...that's why hahaha.anyway wlim that worried. I have a constant contact with my friend and they does things together when they were young.

Wow I'm so overwhelmed with all your messages...I'm so thankful I have you all to express my worries...I helps me a lot specially choosing a right to say to him and its good to have a basis that I am no just over reacting and reading into details we went for drink last night and we did discussed them again as its bothers me again and again everytime I noticed he is doing it again.. -I expressed everything and all your technical words help me to say my real concerns... And it made him realized and he said its more clearer now he thought at first I'm just jealous and I said I'm so emotional with I raised it to u and all mixed up...I felt betrayed,disrespected and ashamed.,he felt sorry and he said he needs me to help him by calling his attention if he is doing it again..and he said he likes children as he like to be a teacher to teach them but I asked him why only girls and this kind of age..he said he didn't realized that he only girls as for him he likes any children..I told him as far as my observation concern u only likes girls...and about the girl I can sense that he likes my hjan even the mother maybe imagine a good man helping and like his child like a father to her dear child would u bot aspire to have him? As she is looking for a relationship anywy...but to be honest I'm not bothered with the mother sorry to compare o don't anything to be jealous with as he is older than my h..thank u everyone. We discussed also seriously having our own children and he said that time that his a bit worried now that he might be paranoid if were going out and if there's a children around he is not going to be feel comfortable.. To be honest I believe him..that he is innocent but he is stupid and ignorant, immature of doing or behaving that way and he didn't deny that...he feel sorry and willing to fix this bad behaviour of his

Dryjuice_-he never ask me to dress in a school dress when were having u know or even just to look at me in a school dress...

May I ask when you came to the UK, and did you have the excellent command of English that you've shown on this thread when you left Romania to live in GB?

More specifically, when you met your h did you have a limited knowledge of English and have you perhaps found it it harder to express yourself in the spoken word than the written?

Hmm.. it's very unusual, I'll give it that. A virgin till his 40's it would appear - or I hope so because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
I ended up getting lifts to school off my male form teacher at about age 14-15. Started out as would be driving past me on the way in, went onto getting lifts home. Everyone in class knew about it, I liked him as a person and found him fun to talk to, nothing untoward, just appropriate friendly chat and banter, no crush. I was never worried until a bit of piss-taking by others which we both laughed off. But it made me wonder why he would carry on if it could be seen as something else -being a teacher it esp looks bad and is sensitive. In the end it was I who stopped asking him and walked an alternate route.
But that was back in the innocent 80's. Not sure why I'm sharing that just occurs to me that what he did would be an instant no-no these days. It was fine though.

Open
I had something quite similar aged 11+
Nothing untorward happened and hoping this case is same as..

izzyizin: Hi I've been here for 6 years...I left home at my early as I want to help my family...I've been in UK for almost 6 years...I have a good english verbal communication as far as I am aware but in terms of expressing my concerns but I must admit I am struggling for my grammar at times...awful and in expressing it hard for me specially if I'm getting so emotional and I cant explain well in words if I am getting so crossed and plus if he is getting defensive and stubborn and he will ignore the discussion I hate it instead of being calm and nice in explaining my worries i became anxious,aggressive,emotional, unreasonable so maybe it's my fault too...

Opentooffers: You have a good point too ..thanks for sharing and for your concern I hope my h would think the same

... he is not doing it now he stopped and he is trying to focus on us he is not seeing this family anymore and he is proud of that that he is not doing it now and he is not seeing this family for long time...but in my part is not about not seeing them is about even he is seeing them is he can discipline himself and if he is going to do it again????????????????honestly I don't have the 100 percent trust on him on this matter...I want to bring my trust back you know what I am thinking is to invite them over for dinner out sometimes...with my hubby or to know them to make a friend on them...do you think is a bad idea?

Dryjuice25 : what do you mean is the same story? or the same people? that will be interesting...

Redcorn I find your posts very worrying.

Your feelings are telling you, very clearly, that something is amiss. Listen to your feelings.

It is not normal for a man to take an unrelated female teenager out. It is especially creepy that he is taking her to swimming lessons where he will be watching her stripped to a swimsuit, and other young girls too.

Appropriately-behaved grown men do not do this even out of kindness because they understand the implications.

She sounds like a vulnerable girl, young and without a father. She would be a perfect target for a predator.

I am not calling your husband a paedophile, but his behaviour is absolutely inappropriate and it needs to stop.

I was groomed by our family GP from the age of 13. When it came to court, many witnesses admitted they'd had suspicions but pushed them aside because he was so seemingly respectable.

If I can do anything to prevent this happening to another girl, I would like to start by urging you to take this seriously, and to confide in a professional counsellor or psychologist. They can help you to work a safe way of manaing your fears and this situation.

All a bit drip feedy, and sounding odder as it goes.

I look at kids both 7-13 and younger. I probably look at girls more (I think they're cuter). I tend to do it having spoken to their mum or dad. Usually along the lines of "How cute? Don't they grow up quickly. Mine is 'yea' high and x old."

To be honest, before I had kids I wasn't at all interested in them.

I've had a little girl get a crush on me; it was very awkward and I immediately told DW and avoided being alone anywhere with her.

I wouldn't give a child a lift if I suspected they had any inappropriate feelings. I wouldn't let a child come into the house unless I knew their parents were both aware of and happy for it to happen.

dysfunctionalme-Hi ahhh ...I never thought my situation could this be serious...thanks. Just to mention he didnt bring her to swimming lesson my h goes swimming and he will bring the girl before going to there singing club

...you know the other aspect that I am conscious about is let say my h is innocent and he likes just purely to help and being with this girl as she needs to have a company as fatherly way...

...my point also is if the girl will seduced him (i dont know if that possible for 13 yrs old to seduced 45 old man...and she let my husband tickles her and she will suddenly change the story round that my h harrass him ...I can sense that even i just met her few times ,I know she likes my h maybe thats why she is bit uncomfortable with me or she can be jealous too? and in regards with professional help or advice I did think that once but financially i'm sure I would'nt be able to afford that...as I need to do that wihout my h to know or do you suggest that we both need to go to this professional help?

OneMoreChap- I like that...that's exactly what i am expecting from my husband to do...that when he knew that the girl has a crush on her true or not true but still but the question maybe my husband would like too ofcourse knowing theres a teenager have a crush on you its flattering..

...so that's disapoint me so much...that he let this to happened

..I am scared maybe if this is the right word that my h has a crush on her too..thats why he didint think and did exactly the same as you say ...that's very shameful I am not jealous for god sake but i feel embarrassed and ashamed and again DISRESPECTED if thats so,...or let me give a benefit of the doubt that my h just like her as a daughter as he wants to have a child of his own...I hope this is the case...

Its nice to have an opinion from male point of view too ...are you a male onemorechap I suppose...I wish you and my husband can be a good friend so that someone could give him an example how to react as a grown man in this kind of situation...

Redcorn a 13 year old girl cannot "seduce" a 40yo man. No matter how sexual her behaviour, it is absolutely for the adult to behave appropriately.

If her behaviour is inappropriately sexual, that is a sad indicator of how she has been raised/abused.

Whether you think she is nice/naughty/seductive/jealous, she is a child. The onus is on you, your husband, her parents, to protect her, even from her own behaviour.

Really you have to take her out of the equation because if he didn't have her to prey upon, he would find a replacement. Sadly there are very many vulnerable teenage girls.

You can definitely go to counselling on your own, absolutely, and sometimes it is a good start to what might become couples counselling.

I am sorry I cannot provide you with links to help services but perhaps someone else on here can?

Perhaps start by reading this information about grooming, it may help you to either recognise your husband's behaviour or to allay your fears.
www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming

I've had a little girl get a crush on me; it was very awkward and I immediately told DW and avoided being alone anywhere with her.

Yes, that's the point. It wouldn't be normal, knowing a 13 year old girl had a crush on you, to drive her to school and take her swimming!

Redcorn I think your fears are understandable, and if (as I suspect) we are getting close to the real problem - which is that your DH has an unhealthy interest in young girls and this girl in particular, I would think very seriously about your future.

Certainly don't start inviting them round, having told him to stay away!

Even if you don't want to do anything drastic right now, I would certainly be very observant if I were you.

A 13 yo is not going to 'seduce' a 45yo man.
If they end up having sex (which would actually be rape), it is because of the 45yo's behaviour.

A 13yo may have a crush on an older man, and might flirt BUT it's up to the adult to deal with the situation appropriately - by limiting/ceasing contact, not encouraging it.

I agree to all of you that's its more to the adult to act appropriately...even how the girl can sweet...that's make me feel bad why my h hasn't think this way...why he let it...and one of you mentioned that even he is not seeing the girl now but he might find a replacement that's i think makes me anxious ot him staring of those children in that bracket of age...

I am so tempted to print all your messages and read it aloud to my h; for him to know that I am not a paranoid and I am not only the person that think his behaviour isn't appropriate

..but I don't think it's a good idea he will feel bad and he would feel that I'm talking behind his back..and It's what i want him to feel that I love him...I am impossible ain't I?

Have you spoken to the mother of the little girl? Why on earth is she letting this occur?

Does she fancy your husband?

I certainly wouldn't allow a man to take my pubescent daughter anywhere!

You really do need to wake up here OP, as most have explained, your husbands behaviour is very very inappropriate.

...*its not what I want him to feel...I love him some of you might find it crazy ,but i can't deny it he is my husband and i love him to bits but it doesn't mean I am obsessed with him and I can't live without him...I am a reasonable person and wise but i must say I need all you advice...Thank you again..

ClippedPhoenix Fri 14-Sep-12 11:44:57
I certainly wouldn't allow a man to take my pubescent daughter anywhere!

Gosh.
How odd.

Presumably I should have made sure no women took my son anywhere?

I gave all sorts of kids lifts to school/swimming/Scouts & Guides/sport/cinema.

Aged from about 4-15. Sometimes in groups, sometimes alone, depending on what other parents were doing and how busy I was.

...To tell you all the truth right now I still believe that my husband is not pae* or have any horrible interest with this girls but i do feel that time he is also interested or has a crush to this girl or maybe just enjoying the feeling of having an teenager admirer it doesn't mean he wants to have sex with her...but i must I was alarmed by all your messages/advice I really need to do something to make him realize and understand the context of my worries...I don't know if would be helpful to have 3rd party in our discussion maybe not a counselor or any professional help as we couldn't afford maybe one of our family member like Mum or Aunt...what do you Mums?