to want to forget about DP's several 'online affairs' which I've discovered.

[ilovehugs]

DP didn't log out of hotmail last night. I went on, and without even looking I could see some emails which were very 'suspicious'. From women, sexy, over friendly tag lines etc. I was shocked and wanted to know if he's been having an affair so I opened them. I've discovered that over a number of years, DP appears to have been visiting websites and having 'messenger sex' with other women. I know DP looks at porn and I haven't had a problem with that as long as he keeps it to himself - but this is something else. What I'm most shocked and hurt by is he has told allot of these women my name, our kids names. As well as the 'online sex', he's been chatting about our personal life. One women was asking after our daughter and how one of her operations went and how my 'nerves' where. He he sent them photos of himself which I have taken with him of the kids. There are messages with one women where he has been chatting to her in the day to, saying that he 'can't stop thinking about her', 'want's to touch her', if she came here he wouldn't be able to stay away and he would fly back to her country and have loud mile high sex in the toilet'. He's been sat at work doing this too. It seems to have mainly been happening over a year ago, but there was a mail from a few days ago which he sent to a women saying 'he missed their chat's'. It was her reply at the top of the mail box which I noticed first and sent off alarm bells. A number of the women have sent him sexual photos and videos of themselves. He may have done the same, but there is no evidence that he he's sent anything like that. One of the most hurtful things was a comment from him about me 'she's still floating around, I'm waiting for her to go to bed but I need sleep tonight and it's getting late;.

It seems like the women have partners too. Most are in the USA. I am fairly confident it's just limited to online sex. DP doesn't know that I know and I asked him if he's had an affair/slept/snogged anyone else. He swore on our children that he hasn't and looked me straight in the eye. I asked him if he had had the chance and he said 'I think so', but we left it at that.

I'm trying to forget this because...

• I've been a nightmare to live with at times. Big bouts of anxiety over the kids (now resolved touch woods).
• At those times I had no sex with DP, which made DP feel rejected and frustraighted. Maybe this outlet stopped him having an affair IRL.
• I do not, rightly or wrongly want to break up because things are much better than they have been for years and I don't want to loose him or our life.
• The majority of it seems to have been during a 'bad patch'.

At the same time I feel sick/hurt/shocked. How bad is this?

It isn't your fault. He has acted appallingly in doing this to you. Having anxiety is not a green light for him to cheat on you.

Its bad but in the end this is your relationship and it's upto you if you stay or leave. I would tell him you know though and he has to stop communication with these women and go with you to counselling.

I think it would be hard to forgive him telling them personal things about you and them discussing your 'nerves'. Not saying 'leave the bastard' if you don't want to, but don't feel you are over reacting to feel so hurt.

Hello op.
Have asked MN to move this to relationships, you will get more support there.
What a horrible thing for you to find out. Hopefully someone else with best advice will come and post.

Oh God. I feel sick. How can I tell him that I went through his emails though?

Thanks CockPants.

I think it will make things too difficult and will chip away at your confidence. At the very least, you need to have it out with him and not bury your head in the sand

Well. Just tell him the first line of your OP, which is perfectly reasonable. I imagine he would attack you on that one though, in an 'attack of the best form of defence'manner. But you didnt do anything wrong.

Yes, you need to talk about it. I imagine he will be horrified you found out and hasn't really thought the consequences through while he was playing his little games.

If you stick to the belief that you haven't done anything wrong and he has betrayed you and needs to earn your confidence you may just get through it together if you want to

Have a

I would spend today putting his smalls etc on the front lawn for all neighbours to see and for him to pick up. And leave. Talking about you and kids is emotional betrayal, on top of the crappy sex stuff. What a shit.

That sad thing is I can 'understand' why he did this to a degree.

He can be very difficult to talk to and I'm worried he will just walk on on us. I've rejected him sexually for so long.

I wish I didn't know.

Please don't be understanding of his actions, they were not reasonable and you did NOT drive him to it

Do you honestly think you're going to be able to have sex with him again after this?

He's done a total wrecking ball job on you love. The BEST thing that could happen might be him going.

Your anxiety could very well have been brought on by his being very difficult to talk to (lose the plot, does he?) If he were more approachable, it mau have helped you solve your issues certainly.

Keep talking to.us love, i think you have more to tell us don't you?

Thanks for hug fanjoforthemammaries.

I'm just to tempted to keep it to myself and just make more of an effort with him so so he doesn't feel the need to do this.

I can't be responsible for something that may well result in ending our relationship. With him no doubt moving on quickly relationship wise and me loosing my house and potentially the kids every other weekend. DP is the earner and I do all the childcare, housework and contribute a bit from working from home. I've been with DP since I was 18 and have invested my life him. I'm in my early 30s now. At the same time how can I go on knowing what he has been doing? Fuck. This just doesn't seem real. I'm devestated that he could do this.

You have to talk to him about it. Please don't take it upon yourself to change so he doesn't act shittily. I can see why you are afraid but it is him who needs to change, and if you have issues to work out you need to do it together.

He is responsible and not you

I would loose our family home on a street where all the kids have their friends. Probablly end up in council accommodation. He would sell our house and be able to get a new mortgage - that's the financial side.

The emotional side - I could regret it for the rest of my life and destroy my childrens happiness.

My whole life has been with this man.

I have heard about this often and usually the guy has not thought it through and is horrified when his wife finds out and attempts to make amends. I can't say they don't reoffend but I would be surprised if he just walked out. You hold the cards here and it's him who has fucked up.

Talk to him

Yours going to get a lot of "leave the bastard" replies on here. Don't set too much store by them, it's what people always say.

I'd say you need to talk to him. Good luck

Yes, don't go by knee jerk leave the bastard responses. But he HAS been a bastard

'I'm just to tempted to keep it to myself and just make more of an effort with him so so he doesn't feel the need to do this.'

It sounds like you are just blaming yourself. Plenty of people go through rough times but don't disrespect their partners like this. And the fact they chat freely about your kids etc would make me even more uneasy.
Also i think it's entirely possible he's sent them rude photos too, i can't see a woman entering into that alone.

I would find it hard to just pretend you know nothing. If you want to stay with him you need to work through this together.