to want to forget about DP's several 'online affairs' which I've discovered.

[ilovehugs]

DP didn't log out of hotmail last night. I went on, and without even looking I could see some emails which were very 'suspicious'. From women, sexy, over friendly tag lines etc. I was shocked and wanted to know if he's been having an affair so I opened them. I've discovered that over a number of years, DP appears to have been visiting websites and having 'messenger sex' with other women. I know DP looks at porn and I haven't had a problem with that as long as he keeps it to himself - but this is something else. What I'm most shocked and hurt by is he has told allot of these women my name, our kids names. As well as the 'online sex', he's been chatting about our personal life. One women was asking after our daughter and how one of her operations went and how my 'nerves' where. He he sent them photos of himself which I have taken with him of the kids. There are messages with one women where he has been chatting to her in the day to, saying that he 'can't stop thinking about her', 'want's to touch her', if she came here he wouldn't be able to stay away and he would fly back to her country and have loud mile high sex in the toilet'. He's been sat at work doing this too. It seems to have mainly been happening over a year ago, but there was a mail from a few days ago which he sent to a women saying 'he missed their chat's'. It was her reply at the top of the mail box which I noticed first and sent off alarm bells. A number of the women have sent him sexual photos and videos of themselves. He may have done the same, but there is no evidence that he he's sent anything like that. One of the most hurtful things was a comment from him about me 'she's still floating around, I'm waiting for her to go to bed but I need sleep tonight and it's getting late;.

It seems like the women have partners too. Most are in the USA. I am fairly confident it's just limited to online sex. DP doesn't know that I know and I asked him if he's had an affair/slept/snogged anyone else. He swore on our children that he hasn't and looked me straight in the eye. I asked him if he had had the chance and he said 'I think so', but we left it at that.

I'm trying to forget this because...

• I've been a nightmare to live with at times. Big bouts of anxiety over the kids (now resolved touch woods).
• At those times I had no sex with DP, which made DP feel rejected and frustraighted. Maybe this outlet stopped him having an affair IRL.
• I do not, rightly or wrongly want to break up because things are much better than they have been for years and I don't want to loose him or our life.
• The majority of it seems to have been during a 'bad patch'.

At the same time I feel sick/hurt/shocked. How bad is this?

I will never understand why women's default position is guilt for ruining a ma n's life that has treated them so appallingly

You've done the right thing. Good on you.

DO NOT feel guilty. He is in the wrong here.

Do'nt feel guilty, it's not your fault that he was unfaithful, the only person responsible for his actions is him.

Don't agree to sign over the house so you can stay in it! Don't let his tears (which are his fault, not yours - he's crying because you're upset at what he did, not because of something you've done) make you cheat yourself out of what you are entitled too. Speak to a solicitor, find out your situation, agree to nothing until then, and don't leave the house!

Just remember he looked you in the eye and told lies, then went out with mates when you were obviously distressed.

I haven't been able to have sex with my DH for just under a year, due to gynae problems. He didn't go online and look at sexual photos or videos from strangers or slag me off to women on the internet. Because he is a decent, caring man who would never do anything to hurt or humiliate me, which is exactly what your partner has did. He was only interested in his own gratification. Men don't die through lack of sex.

Hello all,

Another update and another thankyou for your posts and support.

Lots of talking. DP has agreed to lots of changes. I've found my strength now I think .He has deleted his FB account, perged his hotmail, blocked the women's emails and is going to give me his password. Of course, if he still want to do it he will find a way. But he has now sworn on his sole that he will never do it again.

I told him it was was over and we needed to talk about the logsistics of us seperating perminantly. We talked and cried about allot and I have agreed to give it one more go with allot of changes in place.

I hoping that my feelings for him will come back if he sticks to these changes and I'm feeling quite optimistic about that. But, I'm still getting flash backs about what I read and saw, what he's been doing and it makes me want to vom. It's like, for years, he's had a secret life of this betrayal snd only time will tell if I can ever forgive him.

I feel I owe it to him and the kids to give it one last try. But if it doesn't work out, I'm no longer afraid of being on my own and won't hesitate. This will either be the saviour of our 12 year relationship or the end.

Thanks again and alhough it pains me to think of others having to go through this - I'm glad I'm not the only one.

living in this day and age gives men new and unusual ways to make total shits of themselves.

Good luck

Good luck sweetness. We're all here for you if you need us xx

You need to talk to him about it. And the days are gone when you lost everything - he is the earner and the one likely to lose out. If you have young children (as I assume you do) it is extremely unlikely that any judge would allow him to sell the house and move on. Most likely scenario would be that you and DC would remain in the family home and he would need to pay maintenance. He would be the one with limited access to his children. Think of it like this - by his actions he has put himself at risk of losing his wife, his children, his home and a fair proportion of his assets and his income for the foreseeable future. He is likely to be terrified that you will want a divorce and will be desperate to mend the relationship. Confront him with the fact that he left his hotmail account open and you could hardly fail to notice inappropriate emails hitting you in the eye! Ask him what is going on and how he would feel if he'd just discovered you had behaved in this manner. Take it from there. I would tell him I was considering whether I could continue in the marriage. If you bury your head in the sand and try to ignore it it will simply fester away inside you and damage your relationship anyway.

Sorry...ignore my ramble! For some reason I only got the first two pages of posts and added my ten cents worth and then when it posted the last two pages arrived and I realised events had moved on. Really glad to hear that you have had the courage to confront him and discuss events. Good luck.

Thanks again everyone hugs.

As the days trickle by, I can't stop thinking about how much I just dont want to be with him anymore. He has been helping out with the pots and being very nice. Took me out for a meal tonight. But I just can't stop longing for and dreaming about a life on my own with the kids. I've posted separately on the money forum. I feel like in some ways he's given me a 'golden ticket' out of this relationship now. Big issues remain 1) Kids feelings 2) His feelings - rightly or wrongly I do care. 3) money - I have child benefit, DD's DLA (lower rate) and what he give me. I do have a £20k share in the equity which is tied in the house - but this stops me claiming housing benefit - even if the house isn't on the market. And would stop any tax credit if the house was sold. There are two houses on the estate - identical to mine - up for rent. I wish I could switch on a button and love/fancy/trust him again. It would be much easier.

Is it possible for you to consult someone (solicitor/citizens advice?) about financial advice to get a fuller picture before making any decisions? I understand how you feel about 1) and 2) - but basically you cannot remain in an unhappy relationship purely because of worrying about kids/DH feelings. I would agree that it is something (or at least 1 is) to consider at least, but it is very difficult to remain with someone long term without love, lust or trust. Longing to get out may eventually turn to loathing/hatred for him and that will be a miserable relationship for all concerned. I wouldn't dream of advising anyone else on whether or not to leave their DH, only you can decide. I would simply say that I had real problems with my Ex after a betrayal. Although I still had feelings for him, and was prepared to trust him again I realised that I had absolutely no respect for anyone who could behave as he had done, and that made life very difficult. Good luck and best wishes.

So draw a line and carry on.

You admit that you made his life a nightmare, that you made him feel rejected sexually, but he's stood by and been a good father and husband. The online relationship thing isn't good, so ask him to stop it.

It's not him that has 'fucked up', it's both of you.

I missed the bit where texting/messaging some dozy bint the.night before his child's op makes a bloke a good dad...

Op is ill, yet she still does ALL the childcare, housework etc etc etc..

Remind me again what kind of a supposed partner that makes a bloke like this...???

Op, i think your instincts are talking loudly. Do what you know you want to do.

You're worth more than this.

Just reading through all this again. It's amazing how much my perception of things has changed in just a few short weeks.

LONG POST ALERT

First of all I have to say that I've been thinking about your posts and it's really helped me to look at things from a different perspective and question things. So thank you so much.

Well DP has been making a bit more of an effort. In the mean time I feverishly spent a week or so finding out how to separate from DP - rights/finances etc.

I think I've found my anger and the more angry and empowered I feel, it's like a fog is lifting. I'm no longer scared of him or him leaving.

When we rowed in the past I would always back down when he became angry or aggressive. He is one for hanging up phones, storming out, shouting. I detest that about him. When we have a bad one, he would often say things like 'go down the council thenbecasue what's the point?' - at which point I would grap myself and feel bad/guilty.

Things have been quite calm but I have been obsessed with the thought of just telling him to leave. I know now that even though it would be tough, as long as he paid maintenance (which I know he would) we would probably manage to stay in the house. If he wanted to sell/buy me out, the odds would be that it would cost him allot of money and he wouldn't win anyway because it wouldn't be in the interest of the children. If we sold, I would have enough equity to set myself and the kids up in a rented house. Knowing this and my anger at what he has done has bought me back some control and power which I now see has been lost for a long time.

The other day he said he was going to join another dating site but wouldn't use it - I could check - he wanted to earn some points for his game thing on his phone that he plays with our son with. He couldn't understand why I would be so angry about that.

Today, for the first time, I looked at the phone bill. I discovered that he had been texting my neighbour and close friend for three or more hours one night when I was out. I trust my neighbour and spoke to her and to DP and it's now transpired that he sent her a very inapproproate text - a sex scene that he wrote and wanted to send to me and what did she think about it! I was AGHAST. But he also lied, deleted messages and was caught out in the process.

I then told him exactly how I felt. That it was his personality and my perception of him being a kind, loving good honest, reliable person which is why I had wanted to be with him all those years ago and why I had stayed. I said that I didn't think that about him any more and that was why, I think, I avoided sex for so long. All the shouting and storming around when we argue, him just not 'getting' things or me. Never making me laugh. Still expecting me to do EVERYTHING even when I was in such a horrible place mentally and rather than trying to fix things or pick a few toys off the floor, cook a meal, wash some pots - all the while he was busy downstairs betraying me - the fact that i supported his career financially, put the only money I ever had into the house and to pay for his training courses, paying the mortgage on his own while he was off work for months - gave up my career to support him and our children. Since my son was born seven years ago, I gave haven't had a weekend off all housework, cooking, washing up etc because that was the price of me being a SAHM. Last year he used to come home drunk on Fridays (his weekly beer night) and quite a few times went mental at me, very drunk, about the lack of sex. Luckily the kids were fast asleep. Totally unacceptable, but for all those times, it's like I've been trained to think its my fault and feel bad about it. And that was why NO, I didn't feel like having sex with him.

I have flash back of us arguing when our DS was a baby and him kicking off and shouting at me with me sitting in the bathroom with DS on my lap. He once did an emergancy stop on a duel carriage way when I was heavily pregnant with DS - because of a row about a toasty machine. Whenever this happens, it's always 'probably shouldn't' but it's my fault for not backing off and giving him space to cool down - which I am guilty of - but that's no excuse.

I really, really, really want to end things. I don't trust him.There is so much stuff which he has done that I feel appalled by now that in my mind I am starting to think he has the facade of a nice, allbeit socially inept person. I am utterly confused by him and why I STILL haven't asked him to leave.

Why can't I do it? Why?!!!!

You can do it ilovehugs- you know you can..

Just get all your finances sorted and when ready (hopefully today) tell him to go.

Think of all that he has done and also of how free you will be. There is no point wasting any more time.Just now you are subconsciously thinking when you ask him to leave it will be then end of the life that you know--but also remember it will be the start of a new exciting independant one for you and the DC's

If you find it easier write it in a letter and email it to him at work if possible. Just take a big deep breathe and do it

ILH, I think I post on your thread a few weeks back- it was me whose h spent 5 plus years doing this stuff before I found out. He did stop, but getting the trust back has been a hell of a task, and he has been way more improved than your h. Still, the year since has been really hard.

But your h???? ON a dating site for his game? Is he taking the piss? Inappropriate texting your friend and neighbour? He is a no hoper, isnt he? A total no hoper, he has no real intention to change, he doesnt even see what would be involved and if he did, I definitely dont think he'd even try.

Why cant you do it? WEll, it isnt fear of losing him, is it?

So it must be fear of being on your own. Read a few of those threads by others who have done it, because they simply dont regret it. It make a few short weeks getting a new routine, and even that is filled with redecorating etc. Of course you will need to make a few new friends etc, but at least you will have the time to do it. It isnt as if he is a real friend to you, anyway.

Just let the thoughts sit with you, you'll find the way through this. We're all here for you.