to want to forget about DP's several 'online affairs' which I've discovered.

[ilovehugs]

DP didn't log out of hotmail last night. I went on, and without even looking I could see some emails which were very 'suspicious'. From women, sexy, over friendly tag lines etc. I was shocked and wanted to know if he's been having an affair so I opened them. I've discovered that over a number of years, DP appears to have been visiting websites and having 'messenger sex' with other women. I know DP looks at porn and I haven't had a problem with that as long as he keeps it to himself - but this is something else. What I'm most shocked and hurt by is he has told allot of these women my name, our kids names. As well as the 'online sex', he's been chatting about our personal life. One women was asking after our daughter and how one of her operations went and how my 'nerves' where. He he sent them photos of himself which I have taken with him of the kids. There are messages with one women where he has been chatting to her in the day to, saying that he 'can't stop thinking about her', 'want's to touch her', if she came here he wouldn't be able to stay away and he would fly back to her country and have loud mile high sex in the toilet'. He's been sat at work doing this too. It seems to have mainly been happening over a year ago, but there was a mail from a few days ago which he sent to a women saying 'he missed their chat's'. It was her reply at the top of the mail box which I noticed first and sent off alarm bells. A number of the women have sent him sexual photos and videos of themselves. He may have done the same, but there is no evidence that he he's sent anything like that. One of the most hurtful things was a comment from him about me 'she's still floating around, I'm waiting for her to go to bed but I need sleep tonight and it's getting late;.

It seems like the women have partners too. Most are in the USA. I am fairly confident it's just limited to online sex. DP doesn't know that I know and I asked him if he's had an affair/slept/snogged anyone else. He swore on our children that he hasn't and looked me straight in the eye. I asked him if he had had the chance and he said 'I think so', but we left it at that.

I'm trying to forget this because...

• I've been a nightmare to live with at times. Big bouts of anxiety over the kids (now resolved touch woods).
• At those times I had no sex with DP, which made DP feel rejected and frustraighted. Maybe this outlet stopped him having an affair IRL.
• I do not, rightly or wrongly want to break up because things are much better than they have been for years and I don't want to loose him or our life.
• The majority of it seems to have been during a 'bad patch'.

At the same time I feel sick/hurt/shocked. How bad is this?

he's also a wonderful father and a kind person for the most part.

DO NOT try to ignore this and forget you've seen it in the hope that you can avoid all the issues you mention. You won't. You will also drive yourself insane thinking about it because you do know.

I think you need to talk. Tell him what you know & give him an opportunity to explain. I had something similar a few years ago (texting) and I asked dh to leave. He was mortified but moved out, although I asked him to come back after a week.

We talked till we were blue in the face & decided that we both wanted to stay together. We also went to Relate. We're still together and things have improved but I will never entirely trust him again.

Hope you're ok, I know the hideous stomach-turning feeling you're probably experiencing

I hope you find your anger very soon. At the moment you are blaming yourself and that is a huge mistake. You would not be responsible if your relationship were to founder. What a shit your husband is, and a totally inadequate partner.

You've had a big shock and understandably feel very shaky.

I would suggest not sweeping this under the carpet but also not doing anything impulsive which you might regret later.

If you can, talk to him. Let him know that you know and that it needs to be discussed. It would of course be best to schedule this discussion for a time when both of you are rested and undistracted, the kids are out, etc.

I would also suggest counselling as a way of moving forward. The reasons for your DHs behaviour need to be understood and he needs to hear and understand your hurt.

It also sounds as if there is a back history here, where things were not good between you and you think this is when he started having these on-line affairs. That also needs to be explored and understood.

Counselling may be very uncomfortable and painful at times but it is also very supportive and gives you a safe space to look at all this stuff and decide what to do next.

If you are in London I would recommend the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, they are wonderful. Otherwise Relate has centres throughout UK.

Good luck OP. Hugs x

• hideous stomach-turning feeling -

That's exactly it. I've had no sleep either. I couldn't sleep.

Why couldn't he have just stuck to looking at porn and wanking? Why did he have to 'do this' with someone. Why couldn't he have used false names? I can't believe the night before one of DD's ops he was sat that having 'virtual sex' with someone who he'd told my name to and our daughter's name. I think that's the worse bit.

One minute I'm dead calm, the next I'm angry then I feel sad and guilty.

I asked him to go to relate during our worse patch a while ago and he refused.

The biggest problem with all this is that I find it very hard to find him sexually attractive at times and this is not going help. I try and hide it but I think he knows and maybe this is where it all stems from.

OP I'm finding this thread really difficult to read and may have to hide it, please don't be offended but it's just a little too close to home for me and still too raw to talk about properly.

All I will say is that you really will get the most amazing support from the Relationship board. Ultimately the decision is yours, no one can tell you what to do.

I hope, once I am feeling stronger, to be able to contribute to the Relationship board and repay the time and kindness that was shown to me. It's no exaggeration to say they changed both my life and me for the better.

If you stay in your marriage the situation won't change, please accept that as fact, there is nothing you could have or can do to change who your DH is. The responsibility is his and his alone, you will see that in time.

What you have to do is decide if you can be happy in this marriage.

Nothing is impossible and you will be amazed at what you can do, don't underestimate yourself.

I'll be thinking of you x

I'm going through exactly the same thing at the moment, although I have found out a number of times over the years about these women.
This is not your fault, its not something you have done wrong.
If he is doing it at work, he needs help, he will lose his job, my dh has lost his job twice in the last 8 years because of this because he is unable to stop it even at work, and at that point you start to think its controlling his life, and actually yours too.
If you want to chat, drop me a pm x

It doesn't really matter that it's 'just' limited to online sex. It's not as if it's only a bit of porn; there's a huge emotional betrayal here that to my mind is much worse than a random one-off meaningless fuck. Maybe you should give yourself a day or two to clarify your feelings and convince yourself that your DH is the one at fault here.

Thanks MyDogShitsMoney and other posters for your comments. It's really helpful. I don't know if I can talk to my friends IRL about this.

I wonder why you were anxious, nd why you didn't want to sleep with him? I bet if it wasn't because he's a lying cheating bastard, that fact didn't help. You are taking FAR too much of the blame. I'm not saying leave the bastard, but do recognise him for what he is and base any decisions on that.

No but the realities of breaking up would be heart breaking for them.

< hugs >

I've been here. Found message online, sometimes there was a mention of me and how 'high maintenance' I was (I was going through a rough time as my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and wasn't putting our relationship first), other times there was no mention of me. We tried to talk it through, I explained how the message made me feel and Ex explained his actions, I tried to adjust my behavior accordingly as did he.

For us it didn't work. I thought we'd moved on, he had an affair while my Darling Father was dying. With Ex I think he took my attempt to move on as forgiveness and a sign that I would forgive anything as he had the excuse 'you've been so distant since your Darling Father fell ill'.

Not all men who do this will go on to cheat, but I know the similarities are there, your DH should be supporting you through the anxiety, giving you all of his extra care and attention, not some random woman. Perhaps he think's he's separated the two by talking to women in America rather than closer to home. But this isn't fair on you. I wanted to ignore it too, but it will eat away at you if you're anything like me.

My advice purely based on my experience would be to talk, talk, talk. Counselling, relationship therapy, you have a long history together and children, you've been through so much of life together and this doesn't have to be the end or even a 'bad thing'. None of us here can tell you how this will turn out. But from experience doing nothing will achieve nothing.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

It wouldn't.

Children are resilient. They are also not stupid. My parents hid my dads affairs - or thought they were - for years. It has had a profound affect on my life, and my view of relationships. My eldest sister is even worse - her two divorces can easily be put down to my parents marriage, and she's only in her twenties.

My parents still don't know that we know. We do. We probably know plenty of sordid details that they don't. We'd never say anything, we denied knowing anything to anyone who asked, and we'd only talk about it out of the house. We even heard my parents saying there was no way we'd find out. But we knew, and we still know, and there is no possibly way that going through a divorce could be more damaging than having your entire concept of love and relationships broken.

So make the decision based on you. Financially, you'll survive. Everyone always does. Emotionally you'll heal if you are away from him. This wasn't your mistake, it's nothing to do with you. If he was unhappy with your sex life than he had unlimited access to porn on the Internet - to bring other women into it, emotionally as well as physically, and to discuss you and your private matters so flippantly - that's unforgiveable in my book, and I'm sure it'll be hugely difficult even if you want to make it work. You have to be prepared for that, and make sure that there is something worth saving. But don't use the children as a reason to stay, because respect and love and all the relationship knowledge you'd teach them by leaving in this situation are invaluable.

Hmm it is real hard. I discovered my boyfriend up to this. Couldn't keep it I myself and had a huge argument. He ended up begging me to stay. A week later I discovered he was still emailing these girls. I started to pack my things and leave him. He stopped me, begged me to stay, proposed marriage, and I decided to give him three months to see if i felt better. Fell pregnant the next month so I married him.
It's been very hard and there have been many times it's been too difficult and I've wanted to leave but been worried about the baby. On the other hand though, it's now one year later, and I am starting to feel better about it and heal a little.. Still, that was only a boyfriend and we'd only been together two years. It may be much harder for you. Please try to collect as much evidence as you can incase it is too hard- you may need it then.

OP I have the most wonderful friends in the world, I could tell them anything, they would drop everything for me in a heartbeat, any time, day or night.

I've still never told them the true extent of what happened. They know he did it twice and that's it. I've not spoken to the true details anywhere except MN.

The shame is too much. I know it's wrong to feel it, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, I know no one would think any less of me. I just can't. For me I think it's the last vestige of denial.

Be patient with yourself, take your time, don't rush in to anything. But also don't brush it under the carpet, it's not going to go away no matter how much you want it to.

It took 4 years and me finding things at least 7 times before I made the break. Each time he was sorry, it was an addiction, he hated himself, he would never ever do it again, he couldn't bear to see how much he'd hurt me, he'd never ever do it again.

I finally made the break on a wave of adrenaline, it's the only thing that carried me through.

We've been separated since December. I knew it was the right thing to do but that didn't stop it being the hardest thing to do.

I still hadn't fully made the break though, no psychologically. I just couldn't. Seeing him with our DS is so hard, I want my family back more than anyone can imagine. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how he can't bear what he's done and he'll never give up on us. That he is a changed man and I'll see that eventually.

I've never fully committed to divorcing him, always told him that "for now I can't be with you, I don't know if that feeling will change in time but I don't think it will".

Cowardly isn't it. I've never even admitted that on MN, I'm too ashamed.

Yesterday I opened my computer and he'd left his Facebook logged on. It was on the messages page. I didn't bother opening any of them. From the menu page I could see he'd sent "sit on my face" to 3 women.

However much I thought I'd disengaged from him it still punched me in the guts. I still got that sicky feeling. I still felt humiliated. Even typing it on here still makes me burn with shame. I still feel responsible and am making excuses for him in my head.

You have to make whatever decision is right for you OP, no one can tell you what that is. Everything you feel is totally normal and totally understandable but it's not right. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. I feel hypocritical saying that because I still feel like that too but I know it's not true.

I'm certainly not in a position to give you any advice but I can tell you you're not alone.

The first thing I would say is that this is not your fault. It sounds very much as though you are taking all the responsibility for your relationship going through a rough patch and, therefore, for this horrible behaviour on his part.

From what you have told us: You have tried to take responsibility for improving the relationship by trying to go to relate. Your 'D'P wouldn't go. You seem to think that being ill (and chronic anxiety is an illnes) is your fault too. Just imagine this: Your DP has an illness. He is not able to put much into your relationship right now - maybe even for months at a time. What do you do?

I know what you would do - you would go online, find some man in another country, complain about your DP's illness and confide in him about your family and private thoughts, post naked pictures of yourself and talk about things you'd like to do to him. After all, you deserve this sort of attention, right? and your DP has been inconsiderate enough to get ill and not be giving you any sex at the moment, so it's his fault, right?

No?

Really?

Why?

Because it's a supremely shitty thing to do and undermines your relationship?

Yes.

So why is it different the other way round?

I have suffered from depression over the last year. I am on medication and having counselling. My DP has had to put up with all manner of crap from me and I still have bad days when he can't do anything right and I am awful to live with.

And do you know what he does? He tells me he loves me, he gives me time and space, he is patient and understanding, he takes some of the burden of homelife off me. He does not put pressure on me to have sex with him, have an affair or seek some 'relief' online. Because, despite what some posters on MN like to believe, men are not dogs with uncontrollable urges, they are thinking human beings with the ability to make choices.

He chose this and you deserve better.

I'm not telling you what to do, just simply trying to get you to stop playing the self-blame game because it's not you, it's most definitely him.

My DH did excessive porn and online sex till sometime back. I was fine with it because I accepted it as one of those things that most men did. And then one day I found him browsing an adult friend finder website. And the shit hit the ceiling.

I screamed and shouted and we had the ugliest rows. This went on for several days till DH realised I was not backing off. I posted on MN and showed him the 'leave the bastard' responses I got. That made him understand that I was not being silly and uptight and he actually got quite scared that I may act on the advice.

He went to his GP and discussed this problem. GP wasn't much help but referred him to some counseller appointment. All this set the wheels in motion and DH himself gave up porn completely. We had long chats and for the first time in our relationship, I set some boudaries about what is acceptable to me and what isn't.

Three months down the line, DH doesn't do porn any more and we have a better physical and emotional relationship. However things are still WIP and I have learnt to accept the validity of my own feelings.

So to cut a long story short, you must speak to your DP about this. He is being emotionally unfaithful and you should not have to accept that. This isn't your fault. But keeping quiet will be. And their is a fair chance that your relationship may survive this, but yourt DP will have to be the one doing the hard work.

We'd been together 12 years in total btw, my whole adult life.

I don't know how to be without him.

I'm learning though.

The reason I told him to leave the last time is because I finally realised that he would never stop doing it. That there would always be a reason.

That time it was because he "could cope" with my being terribly ill before, during, and after giving birth. He also felt ignored and pushed out by me. I found out he was sexting a mutual friend when DS was 4 months old.

Trust me, there is no limit to how low they will stoop to batter your confidence and make you feel responsible. He genuinely wanted me to feel sorry for him.

This isn't you fault, you need to talk to him about it even if you decide to stay in the relationship have a hug xx

• "couldn't cope"

Did I get this right?
Your dcs have had some health problems. You were very understandably worried about it, and anxious.

During that time, he decided (no one pun a gun on his head and made him) to go onto website and have cybersex with women. He also decided to share very personal details about you and your family with them.
He was so obsessed with it that he was quite happy to do that the evening before the op of one of his dcs.

Can I ask?
How is that the behaviour of a good dad?
What did he do during that time to support you? What did he do to support his dcs? I am guessing that it was all left to you and that he was still expecting the house to run just as smoothly with no changes/efforts on his part. Did I get that right?

And now you are feeling guilty because you didn't want sex with him (who would have?) and that you don't find him attractive (again, who would find a man who has had some emotional affairs, especially in these circumstances, attractive?)

You really really need to clarify that situation. Relate was a very good idea. If he doesn't want to come, go on your own or go and see a counsellor/psychotherapist to talk through that.
But you do need to stop taking on all the problems as yours and no one else's. You do need to know what your boundaries are and not to let anyone, incl your DH, walk all over them.
And you do need to have a chat with your DH. Because things might be better now but without the assurance that this will not happen again and that he is taking responsibility for it, your relationship will not have to survive.

Also I would advise you to ask MN to move this thread to relationship. It will be a much place for it.

Firstly it isn't your fault, don't let him pin that one on you. At every stage he had the choice to talk to you when he wasn't happy, and if he chose not to do this that was down to him.

First thing to remember, this is your relationship, so people on here do not know all the facts, so cannot know what is the best route for your to take. They can give advice based on their own experience, but you should make your own decisions.

My H had a full on affair, but we are back together and working through it. He is desperately sorry, and has made every effort to prove to me that I can trust him. I have major issues yet, but I am giving things another chance. Many people have been very unkind to me over this decision - they tell me I am weak, and foolish, and have no self respect. That what he did was unforgivable, and once a cheater always a cheater. I don't need this, I know all of that, but I also know the full back story, and it is relevant. It may not work out for me, but I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face by walking away now.

Talk to your DP. I'd say his failure to log out of hotmail was at some level him wanting you to find out. It is impossible to say whether this is a deal breaker without first talking it through with him.

Thank you so much for all your posts.

MyDogShitsMoney - this is exactly how I am feeling.

Lifeissweet - Your post. I just keep re-reading it. I now know that I can't brush this under the carpet and forget about it.

I have to confront him. But I'm terrified.

I haven't read everyones responses, but I have been in a similar situation.

I confronted my husband (he has done this twice) both times. Most recent was just over a year ago. I hit the roof, and very very nearly ended it. I told him it was his last chance and I would leave next time. Thankfully it has resulted in a better relationship. There are still aspects of it that we are working on, but it has improved greatly.