to want to forget about DP's several 'online affairs' which I've discovered.

[ilovehugs]

DP didn't log out of hotmail last night. I went on, and without even looking I could see some emails which were very 'suspicious'. From women, sexy, over friendly tag lines etc. I was shocked and wanted to know if he's been having an affair so I opened them. I've discovered that over a number of years, DP appears to have been visiting websites and having 'messenger sex' with other women. I know DP looks at porn and I haven't had a problem with that as long as he keeps it to himself - but this is something else. What I'm most shocked and hurt by is he has told allot of these women my name, our kids names. As well as the 'online sex', he's been chatting about our personal life. One women was asking after our daughter and how one of her operations went and how my 'nerves' where. He he sent them photos of himself which I have taken with him of the kids. There are messages with one women where he has been chatting to her in the day to, saying that he 'can't stop thinking about her', 'want's to touch her', if she came here he wouldn't be able to stay away and he would fly back to her country and have loud mile high sex in the toilet'. He's been sat at work doing this too. It seems to have mainly been happening over a year ago, but there was a mail from a few days ago which he sent to a women saying 'he missed their chat's'. It was her reply at the top of the mail box which I noticed first and sent off alarm bells. A number of the women have sent him sexual photos and videos of themselves. He may have done the same, but there is no evidence that he he's sent anything like that. One of the most hurtful things was a comment from him about me 'she's still floating around, I'm waiting for her to go to bed but I need sleep tonight and it's getting late;.

It seems like the women have partners too. Most are in the USA. I am fairly confident it's just limited to online sex. DP doesn't know that I know and I asked him if he's had an affair/slept/snogged anyone else. He swore on our children that he hasn't and looked me straight in the eye. I asked him if he had had the chance and he said 'I think so', but we left it at that.

I'm trying to forget this because...

• I've been a nightmare to live with at times. Big bouts of anxiety over the kids (now resolved touch woods).
• At those times I had no sex with DP, which made DP feel rejected and frustraighted. Maybe this outlet stopped him having an affair IRL.
• I do not, rightly or wrongly want to break up because things are much better than they have been for years and I don't want to loose him or our life.
• The majority of it seems to have been during a 'bad patch'.

At the same time I feel sick/hurt/shocked. How bad is this?

No one can tell you what to do OP, but sadly a lot of us really do understand how you feel. The knot in the pit of your stomach is just the worst feeling in the world.

Your choice is can you live with that knot, permanently. Because regardless of whether or not he does do it again that fear will never go away.

I'm so so sorry x

I've just written a letter to him. But I don't know if I have the courage to send it. At the same time I can't go on knowing this without telling him. I keep thinking about some of the stuff he wrote and it's the fact he told them our names, our childrens names and at 9.30 in the morning was sending message to one women about how much he was 'thinking about her and wanting her'. Why did it have to get so personal?

I'm so scared of how much we will loose if I do this and I keep just trying over and over again to justify and understand his behavior. The children will suffer the most if I end this and through their suffering will be my suffering and I'm worried that the pain of breaking up our family, loosing our home and everything we have worked for will be worse than the pain of knowing what he has done/is doing.

He has threatened to leave before and I think the anger and shame he will feel when/if I tell him combined with his anger at being sexually starved and rejected by me for so many years might be enough to make that happen.

I have sexually rejected and starved this man to the point where he has threatened to leave.

I've got to pull the house and myself together and get through the day now but will keep checking back.

Thank you all so much for your support, it is helping .

He's done a really good number on you hasn't he.

Your posts make me very sad.

Of course you're terrified. Acknowledging it means turning the world upside down. I entirely understand the temptation to try forgetting all about it because what happens next is slightly out of your control.

I think you need to just start out by calmly stating -as fact - that he left his email open and you know what he's been doing. Then let him take it from there. Just look at his reaction and that will tell you all you need to know.

It may be denial, which would be bad and pointless.
It may be guilt, which means nothing in particular apart from that he knows what he's been doing is wrong and has been doing it anyway.
It may be defensiveness about his privacy, which I think you just need to calmly say that you didn't look deliberately, that you didn't hack into his account, but that actually, in a trusting relationship you should be able to see his email account without finding anything upsetting.
Take with a pinch of salt any tears or hand-wringing. He is sorry for himself at this stage - not for you. That needs some time to sink in.

Then give it some time. Stay dignified. I think the calmer you can be, the worse it would be for him. Crying and screaming will just give him license to say you're unhinged. You know when parents tell children off and they scream and bawl - they've lost it and the child knows it. The most potent of tellings off comes from a cold and impassionate standpoint - The old 'I am not angry, but I am so disappointed' line. This is all far, far harder to do than say, I realise.

Thinking of you. I feel awful for you and can't imagine what you're going through.

Oh God. I feel sick. How can I tell him that I went through his emails though

you say you left your hotmail opened and i see you are having a great time online,

this isnt your fault It is up to you if you forgive him or not but the reasons you gave for his straying isn't valid you didnt not make him do anything It was his choice to be intimate with these women online, I hope you can work through this

and stop with the sexual starvation and rejection stick, please!

Can I ask you what he has done to try and remedy that situation?

By that I don't mean that he's repeatedly tried to initiate things, I mean what has he done to communicate with you and find out what he can do to improve your relationship (because ultimately that is what sex is - it is a barometer of a relationship). Has he nurtured you, cared for you, given you time, given you affection, made you feel good about yourself? All of those things are what makes a person want to have sex with their partner. If he has been doing all of those things and you still don't want to have sex, then maybe you need to ask yourself what is worth saving in this relationship because you don't feel how you should.

On the other hand, if (as I suspect) he has not been doing those things then it is not at all surprising that his advances are rejected. It is not a case of you denying him sex out of mean-spiritedness or unkindness. You just don't want to be intimate with him. Why is that? Ask yourself. I think you may find that that has more to do with him than you think it does right now.

To also add to that. I have an ex-h, who I 'starved and rejected'. i thought it was my fault. I thought I was a horrible wife and a horrible person because I couldn't bring myself to get intimate with him.

Now I can think about it with some distance, I know exactly why I felt like that.
He didn't listen to me.
Ever.
He certainly didn't make me feel good or appreciate me.
He would always try to initiate sex by grabbing at me. Sometimes when I was cooking, usually when I was busy doing something else. Everytime i told him how offputting it was and how it made me feel and he shrugged it off every time and carried on groping me when he wanted to. Then it was me who was rejecting him. In actualy fact it was the other way round. He was rejecting me by dismissing my feelings. He was all for using my body without trying to make me happy. I know now that wasn't my fault.

Is that ringing any bells?

If he starts having a go at you for reading his e-mails your response is "stop trying to make me the bad guy, we are discussing your betrayal right now, if I decide I want to keep you in my life, then you can complain about my checking your e-mails, right now, that's not the thing we might break up over."

Also, I would go back on and print out all those e-mails, they might 'disappear' and then he start trying to convince you that it wasn't all that bad. You need to keep a hard copy so you can read it every time you're feeling even a little bit that 'its not that bad' - you need to read those words again and remember what he actually did.

(And you probably won't lose the house, it's far more likely you'll get it)

Whatever happens, whatever you do, you won't be able to 'forget' what you've found out. Doesn't matter how the cat got out of the bag really, two wrongs don't make a right. If you apologise for reading his e-mails, that's you absolved of responsibility. What he has done is far worse. Yes, there's something particularly sick about having cyber sex whilst casually mentioning your wife and kids.... you're entitled to be disgusted and offended. You shouldn't blame yourself. If things really have been going better as you say, you may be even able to move on from this constructively.

He's essentially been using your children and your anxiety to make himself look like Mr Wonderful to other women.

"Look at me? Aren't I so fantastic to be coping with a partner who has problems with "nerves"? And my child is having an operation and I'm being so brave about it. And I can prove it with these photos! Aren't I wonderful? Don't I deserve for all you lovely ladies out to pay me lots of attention?"

He's used his partner and children to try to set himself apart from all the other desperate, seedy little men out there who want attention from other women.

That doesn't sound to me like a "wonderful father".

"Sorry children, but I've been giving your names and photos out over the internet to complete strangers so that they'll have cyber sex with me."

OP, I fear that even if you confront him and he begs , pleads , tells you he will stop , he will either continue or eventually will go on to have a real physical affair with someone.

I can't see how you can ever have peace of mind again if you stay with him .

I suspect that his attitudes may have played something in your lack of libido.

Good men don't go and fuck other women (virtual or not) because their wives are not well and can't or won't have sex.

He's not even having plain sex (or wanking). He actually connects with these women and tells them about your private life.

You didn't bring this on in any way.

And I don't think you'll be happy knowing that he'll continue doing this, will you?

Personally, I'd need to confront him. And he'd have to bend over backwards to get the relationship back on track.

The saddest thing about this thread is that there are so many of us who have been or are in your shoes, myself included. Online emailing, photos, explicit details of exactly what he'd like to do to her and vice versa.

I was livid when I found out & I kicked him out, I wanted him to go to the very darkest place possible so that in the future, if he decided to do it again, he would remember that black hole. He went for counselling for his 'addiction', said he didn't know why he did it, blamed his childhood etc etc. We went to counselling together and looked to the future. The future brought a full blown affair with a work colleage...........to this day I don't know why, maybe the children, but I let him stay. That was 2yrs ago.

Now, I don't trust him and fully expect him to do it again.......I have all his passwords, mobile bills, open access but I still don't trust him. Worse than the distrust is the anger. But I also pity him, how pathetic to need to stoop to that when you have the real thing at home.

Next time if there is one he's out, out before he can collect his blackberry charger on the way. I won't even listen to his excuses. Out and gone for good. He knows this and if he's willing to risk the package he has now (which is in manys opinion a good one and envied by others I'm told) then he has my sympathy.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...............it's last chance saloon for him as much for my own closure as for his sake.

I really hope you can discuss it with him and he sees the that what he has done is disgraceful.

If nothing else please remember, NONE of this is your doing and none of it is because of who you are. It's because he has been a class one bastard.

Rooting for you.

So sorry this is happening to you

None of this is your fault.

It is all about him and his issues - so don't let him blame you. Even if you were the perfect wife, he will still continue to cheat.

Good fathers do not cheat and disrespect the mother of his children.

Not sure if anyone has already said this but the porn does not surprise me. There is a strong link between porn use and infidelity via online chat, webcams etc.

ilovehugs

He has done a bloody number on you and has you well trained to get you to blame your own self for his actions.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Yes you. Do not mention the children or the supposed fact that he is a good dad (he patently is not). What do YOU get out of this?. Something keeps you there.

You won't be able to forget and what he has done is extremely selfish with no thought or consideration for you whatsoever. You're just his possession to use as he sees fit. Bad patches there may have been but its still no excuse or justification for his actions. You cannot blame yourself for his actions.

You could be the perfect Stepford wife and he still would do this. He is a serial cheat and you would be foolish indeed to put up with his behaviours any longer.

OP - you've had some good advice on here. I just wanted to add a personal note: it is not necessarily the case that you would have to leave your home and certainly not that you would have to move into a council house. Your spouse remains responsible for supporting you in the manner you are accustomed to - he doesn't get to walk away and not pay, that's not how divorce works in this country.

Please don't ever say that any of his actions were justified by being sexually starved and rejected. Don't ever say that, and don't ever believe that.

Men always turn it back on the wife. Mine did. If you didn't feel up to intimacy with your H I am prepared to bet any money that was in no little part down to the lack of support, and emotional connection you had from him. Sex is more than the physical. Sometimes we all just fancy a bit, but long term we have to desire someone. It is hard to desire someone who is being an arse.

Retain your dignity, don't beg, don't plead, be calm. There is nothing more unattractive than someone begging. If he isn't willing to give it up, and apologise then he isn't worth your time. If he is, he may be. Only you can decide that.

Jimmeny - they aren't married...

Bum! :(

Well he still has responsibilities towards her and the kids.

In that case I'd just tell him you know and tell him to sort it out.

i.e. he has to make things right, not you, and don't bloody blame yourself. If he can't stay faithful through thick and thin, he isn't worth your spit.

If they are unmarried he actually has no responsibility towards her whatsoever, only their children.

She may have a claim on the house though tbh. If she has been living in it and contributing and they intended her to share it.

Mine did this for 5 and a half years before I found out for sure.

That was last September/November.

You absolutely must confront this. You are not responsible for his anger. You are of course responsible for some of the problems in the relationship, just as he is. But you are NOT responsible for his decision to solve problems with infidelity.

It is vile. My h used to pick them up on Yahoo pool- hundreds over the years, he says, and go on messenger with some of them. Roughly 18-30 year olds, when he is now 50, and we have a 25 year old daughter.

I did tell my two of my closest friends and my family because I needed the support, and I dont regret it either.

Regardless of the problems in your relationship, I do not think this will ever go away on its own.

I really envy those of you who saw the evidence. I never did, because my h deleted it all the day after I finally managed to get him to tell me the truth, after a month at Relate.

I will always be unsure of the extent to which it really was all 'one off conversations'.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. Without it I couldn't have done what I did on Friday. I confronted him. I did it with a letter. He phoned up before he came home from work and I told him that we had a very big problem and that I had found out something unforgivable that he'd done. He said he had 'nothing to hide' and when he read the letter I think he was genuinely shocked that I had found out. It was awful. He did a very, very poor job apologising. Allot of his focus was on how I had found out and quite early on in the conversation he even said 'This is why I picked women outside of the area - so you wouldn't meet them'. He also brought up the whole 'what do you expect when we have had barely any sex for years' thing. I was vivid. I didn't tell him how I had found out or what I knew so I could test his honestly. He swore blind that he would never - upload pictures of himself or the kids, chat to women with me around telling them I was 'still hanging around and to wait',. I know that he did both of these things and he looked so genuine when he lied. When pressed he said that he couldn't rememeber eveything he had done and said and maybe he had been drunk. The cherry on the cake was when he still went out for his weekly Friday night early-doors drinks, despite me telling him that he needed to stay and talk. In the past he has come in drunk on Fridays and had a go at me about all the lack of sex and other things he is pissed about. I find it so hideous when this happens that after he left I started shacking. I phoned my mum - who to be honest was crap because she adores him and doesn't want us to split up. I then phoned a good friend who told me to bring the kids and stay over. I left and took the car. he text me when I told him we had gone, but only to say that he supposes 'my friend' will know now and he wont be comping to her party soon now. He phoned me the next day. I told him that we had to keep things cal, for the sake of the kids, expecially DD who has started school. When I came home, he had done nothing to make amends, like wosh up any pots or anything (petty I know, but a bug bare). He was lovely with the kids as normal. When we had some time to speak, we ended up both crying. I told him that I don't want anything except to be able to live in the house so the kids world isn't blown apart. I even said I would sign it over to him as long as there was a contract in place that meant we could live in it until they are much older. I would get about £25-30 k equity if we sold. But I work from home and it's only now my yougest has started school that I can start to increase my work. I certainly do not have the means, at the moment, to support myself and the kids.
I looked at him and he was so heartbrokem when he realised that I was serious about it ending. I stopped feeling angry and just felt guilty and like I had taken this mans life away. I'm a sicky confused mess today. The plan is that we will look into ways of splitting up but keeping the house for the kids and he even agreed to go to relate. But I'm not sure i can ever feel right about him. I've only ever been with DP and I'm worried that the idea of meeting someone who I am deeply compatible with and attracted to, is just a fantasy. I do care deeply about DP and feel responsible for his feelings. But I can't carry on with him. God knows where I go from here. Sorry for long post. I needed to get it all out I think.

You did the right thing. You couldn't have carried on keeping it to yourself. I hope things work out well for you.

Oh OP stop apologising! (meant in a nice way of course )

You've done the right thing. It takes a huge amount of strength and courage but you've now proved to yourself just how strong you are.

It's not going to be an easy ride from here, I won't lie. There will be lots of ups and downs and it will test you more than anything ever has before.

But every little step will build your confidence.

Every time you see through his attempts to make you feel guilty, every time you refuse to take responsibility for his actions, every time you pity his lies, your self-esteem will grow.

The hardest is yet to come but you can do it. A lot of people will tell you making the decision to separate is the hardest part. It isn't.

Sticking with the decision is the hardest part.

Just keep everything that's happened fresh in your mind. Every time you want to take him back think of how you felt when you saw the emails.

Every time you think how easy it would be to just forget it all, remember how small he made you feel day in day out.

Every time he tells you how much he loves you and how sorry he is remember how he looked you in the eye and lied to you.

When he moves out you will feel bereft no doubt about it, but I can also guarantee you will feel a sense of relief you never expected.

Imagine never being shouted at again. Imagine never feeling guilty for not wanting sex. Imagine going to bed and completely relaxing. And I mean completely. Not making sure you don't accidentally touch him in case he wants sex.

Imagine being as anxious as you damn well want to be and not feeling guilty about it.

You can do it, you really can x