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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

weed smoking DP and fed up me

115 replies

broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 20:03

DP has gone to his 'friend's house to smoke weed Sad Angry
Which means when he arrives we wont be having sex (as usual), or having a conversation and I can't hug him in bed because he will absolutely stink from his lungs out through to his mouth.

Last Night he got stoned with this friend too, I let this go but why does he have to go again tonight?

I was invited but its not my scene.

Tomorrow (our only day off together for a week) he will be flat/ tired/uninspired/lazy/grumpy.

Tonight he said to me do you mind if I go round Steve's tonight?
I was annoyed he asked me like I'm his mother or something but I said he can do as he wishes but eventually this will create a wedge between us and we will end up going our separate ways.

Before he left I said that I am going to uni, have lost a lot of weight am nourishing my life with positive people and healthy eating whereas he has left a teaching job to work in a minimum wage job, I told him that we will end up growing apart if he keeps making these choices, he told me that I am nasty and that I ruin all his nights out Sad

We went for dinner tonight because he was hungover from yesterdays antics he wasn't much company and moaned about how expensive the restaurant was, even though we were going halves on the meal, then when I attributed his flat feeling to his weed smoking yesterday, he told me I was being nasty, I told him it's just the law of cause and effect what goes up and all that, but he just thought I was blaming things and 'you can just feel flat randomly sometimes.'

Shit- every time he does this I resent him more and more.

Tonight he said I better hold on to this friend (the weed friend) because I dont have any others Confused

But he doesn't take up hobbies or do anything which socialises with others so he wont meet better friends if he spends all his spare time with gun toting druggies Angry

If you got through that- thank you I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/09/2012 22:59

If it isn't things with your parents why do you feel so attached to someone so... Well... Frankly just utterly, utterly ridiculous and who you are idealising? You said he is humble on that egg thread, he doesn't sound humble, not. At. All....

Offred · 06/09/2012 23:02

Is he good looking as well as mental and an entitled manchild old enough to be your father?

Offred · 06/09/2012 23:03

You sound deep and intelligent and loving and patient. I don't understand why you are desperate to hold onto him so hard you are willing to let him flush your life away ridiculous story after ridiculous story...

AnyFucker · 06/09/2012 23:12

OP, you said in January you couldn't see a future with him because your relatinship was doomed

your future is here, right now

flogging a dead horse is your future, and you are throwing it away on an inadequate manchild

ArtVandelay · 07/09/2012 11:48

The eggs as well? :(

When I was at Uni, I studied in the library. With my friends. So that we could look at boys while we studied. So we could bump into people and find out where everyone was going to that night. Or to borrow notes. Or use the books that weren't allowed to be taken out of the library. Its actually quite restricting to study at home in terms of both your grades and your social life.

I have a feeling this is all falling on deaf ears though because for some reason you cannot consider life without him. What do your friends say about him, don't they tell you that you can do better?

Sorry if I sound a bit brisk but I'm literally stumped as to why you keep posting about his latest outrage, hear everyone get frothy on your behalf but then stay with him. Is it that you are hanging on for him to change? Because he absolutely won't and you can't change him. You can change though :)

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 07/09/2012 14:31

When he came back last night I was looking for rental flats online, he said stop over reacting and eventually went to sleep.
This morning he stumbled down stairs at 10.50, he could tell that I was not going to argue, I told him Im not happy any more and one of us needs to go, he said don't you want to be with me any more and I said not when you behave like this?
He then said can I take you into town and buy you a coffee we can take a walk around the lake I said I wish you were like this normally (he never normally offers things like this)
I said I have to clean the house, I wont really notice the difference when youre gone because I do everything anyway.
Then I said can you clean the bathroom (he's done this onece in one year of living here) hesaid yes I said NOW and he did, very throroughly too.
Why do I have to break up with him to get him to contribute to our well being?

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2012 14:35

Because he likes what he gets from you and doesn't really care about you. If you stay that one time he cleaned the bathroom will more than likely still be just one time by next year.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/09/2012 14:36

Oh no, not Mr EggMan.

He was and is still awful to you. And you're still with him...

Where is your own tipping point here, has he really only got to clean the bathroom, buy you a coffee and take you for a walk to bring you back around?.

Why is your own relationship bar set so bloody low in the first place?. That is a question I would dearly like you to answer.

Offred · 07/09/2012 14:37

Did he really listen to you do you think? Did he really hear what you said? Also is it possible for him to change? Really?

Chubfuddler · 07/09/2012 14:39

You're not going to leave him so you might as well save everyone's bandwidth in all honesty.

ArtVandelay · 07/09/2012 14:59

Sorry but Chub made me snort a bit then :)

Okay, well I'm not going to harangue you about this; your life and all that. If all it takes is a cup of coffee and cleaning his own bathroom to fix this, then I guess it is fixed.

Offred · 07/09/2012 15:29

Yes me too Confused but it is only because it is just SO ridiculous. He is ridiculous.

You will never ever in a million years be happy with him because he can do whatever he likes and you will keep chickening out of leaving. Why would he change in that situation, he has every motivation to carry on or get worse. You are starting from a baseline of him being completely self-involved and having zero respect for you, there's nowhere to go from there but apart. You do everything for him and he treats you like total shit, everything in the relationship revolves around him by the sound of it. He will drag you down with his emotional and financial irresponsibility and you will not get the degree or the life that you deserve because of his shit. You probably won't even get to stay in that house because if you start getting bailiffs round the landlord will probably give you notice...

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 07/09/2012 16:51

What youre all saying is true and Im sorry not to give you all the eastenders ending that you hope for.
I am feeling very low he is doing his usuall hiding in the bedroom for the entire day trick, Im off baby sitting tonight and will not tell him where I'm going, I hate this Sad

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2012 16:57

I know it is sad my love but everyone is just really really frustrated for you. He's not going to change. You are not happy.

Do you really think you deserve so little? Why?

Chubfuddler · 07/09/2012 16:59

I don't watch eastenders. What is really sad is this isn't eastenders. You live like this. Wake up out of your stupor.

joanofarchitrave · 07/09/2012 17:00

I do think it's probably more complicated than it's possible to post - it's not compulsory to act on advice from the interweb. I know I could post things about my dh that are completely true but would result in posts saying 'why are you still with him' (I have done this so I know Grin) but the fact is I do KNOW why I'm still with him, there are lots of positive things I could post too (very occasionally I even do that [grudging]). What positive threads could you post? 'My partner cleaned the bathroom today!'? Seriously, is that the best thing on offer?

I really don't think he sounds like a great bet for you but ultimately it is your choice and your life, nobody else is going to make that decision for you and you don't owe us anything.

Offred · 07/09/2012 17:02

You will be so much happier if you end it. It sounds as if he obstructs your attempts which makes it hard. You will successfully be able to leave if you can learn to value and love yourself.

We can all bully you into it, he can treat you like utter shit on his shoe and you won't leave if you don't value yourself at all.

This is what I would suggest you need to do something about as an immediate priority. Why do you value yourself and your happiness so little? Please work on improving this and everything else will follow.

Chubfuddler · 07/09/2012 17:05

Joan this is about the fifth thread the op has posted. Nothing has changed for over a year.

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/09/2012 17:06

OP, you are not still with Eggyfucker?

You are great and he is, well, HIM.

You can do sooooooo much better.

Offred · 07/09/2012 17:07

Katiescarlett - your posts on the egg thread were eggexcellent I thought. Grin

AnyFucker · 07/09/2012 17:21

YOu "hate this" OP ?

Then stop doing it

ArtVandelay · 07/09/2012 17:53

AAARGH! I don't want an Eastenders ending. I want to hear a happy post from you because you have been pretty unhappy for a long time with this chap! I can't give you a magic spell to turn Mr Stoned EggMan into a competent adult and partner, none of us can which is why we think you could benefit from moving on. Anyway, I really genuinely wish you well and hope you do well at Uni.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 08/09/2012 21:51

Im so gutted, Im sat here crying, I apologised for my angriness and asked if we could talk he really let rip saying that he has no desire for me and I always tell him he is bad a sex (I dont) I always say that we should look at why we dont have as much sex as we once did, and I do moan if he just comes and doesnt care about my orgasm every time but thats not him being bad at sex that's just us having Many domestic tensions, Ive told him that if we cant communicate and be relaxed about mundane chores then how would we achieve a satisfying sex life?
He said that no one has ever reduced him to that little and he said that he will feel depressed for a week now because of how I am when I get angry at him, but he wont COMMUNICATE so how can I tell him without getting angry???
I know you've all give up on me but tonight when he was sticking the knife in after I had apologised and went on to twist my words and say how he has no desire for me how he cant even get turned on any more because 'I' have reduced him to nothing.
He said that I list his faults and he would never disrespect me enough to do the same- I only mention stuff which directly affects our relationship ie, his inability to clean the house, pay bills, cook meals and care about nurturing our sex life, weed smoking is the anthithesis of these things (which I manage to do)

Ive moved into spare room, Im gutted really gutted but I think it's over Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 08/09/2012 21:57

Sorry to sound heartless but it's probably for the best.

I remember him from earlier and he's an overgrown schoolboy who would make an absolutely lousy dad to any child you might have.

Get out now whilst you are young, listen to all the advice and act. Or you will live to regret it.

It might seem like it will never get better but trust me - it can't be worse than this 'relationship.'

Whocansay · 08/09/2012 22:17

Dear Broody,
You have nothing to apologise for. He is not not a nice man. He is using you and playing on your good nature. He will not make you happy. He has given you an out. Please take it.

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